Hello Madam Eya,
Good evening to you and all members of wives connection blog. I keep reading other women’s issues and the wise counsel and help they get from the blog and I am inspired to share mine, hoping someone will give tips on how to solve this problem.
I have been married for six years to a very good and handsome man. My husband and I relate very well at home. We
talk, watch movies and get along very well playing indoor games. For as long as we stay home together, I have no grudge against him. The problem comes when we attend events together.
We are either tensed and worked up before leaving the house or having an argument in the car or minding our business when we finally get to the venue. I don’t know what is wrong with us.
The last time we attended a wedding ceremony together, I promised myself that I won’t take this embarrassment anymore. I rather stay home with the kids than go have NO FUN OUTINGS.
My husband’s colleague was a wedding, we live in a kind of small staff estate with other of his colleagues in other bungalows.
First of all, after all the excitement that I am going to this wedding (Normally he leaves me at home because of the kids). The excitement that he asked me to get ready since my younger sibling was around to look after the kids, I was overjoyed. I don’t know what happened, but later he said he was leaving alone cos he felt I took too long getting ready and it was getting late.
An older colleague insisted they all wait for me cos according to her, she married early and even at this age feels like she missed out a lot in life , cos she was always at home with the kids while hubby enjoyed his life alone. For that reason she insisted she didn’t want me to feel I missed out in life and asked my husband to wait. She also waited anyway, because I had to cook for the kids and make them comfortable before leaving, we got there a bit late.’
My surprise came when he abandoned me with colleagues and went along socializing all alone. At a point, I saw another of my neighbor holding his wife’s hand and introducing her to colleagues while mine just kept minding his business without thinking about my feelings. I had to pretend like I was very comfortable in the company of the ladies and let him be until it was time to go home. He managed to introduce me to a few colleagues who greeted while we came in and those who met us on our way out. I don’t know why but I feel like we do not get along well like a couple whenever we are in public. This is not the only instance madam, just that I don’t want to bore people with stories of him keeping to himself when he takes me for events/ ceremonies.
How do I get hubby and I to behave as close and romantic as I see other couples do? I need help please. I don’t want my young husband and I to be so unromantic and unfriendly in public. I want him by my side when we go out. Am I not beautiful enough?
Nelly
Good evening to you and all members of wives connection blog. I keep reading other women’s issues and the wise counsel and help they get from the blog and I am inspired to share mine, hoping someone will give tips on how to solve this problem.
I have been married for six years to a very good and handsome man. My husband and I relate very well at home. We
talk, watch movies and get along very well playing indoor games. For as long as we stay home together, I have no grudge against him. The problem comes when we attend events together.
We are either tensed and worked up before leaving the house or having an argument in the car or minding our business when we finally get to the venue. I don’t know what is wrong with us.
The last time we attended a wedding ceremony together, I promised myself that I won’t take this embarrassment anymore. I rather stay home with the kids than go have NO FUN OUTINGS.
My husband’s colleague was a wedding, we live in a kind of small staff estate with other of his colleagues in other bungalows.
First of all, after all the excitement that I am going to this wedding (Normally he leaves me at home because of the kids). The excitement that he asked me to get ready since my younger sibling was around to look after the kids, I was overjoyed. I don’t know what happened, but later he said he was leaving alone cos he felt I took too long getting ready and it was getting late.
An older colleague insisted they all wait for me cos according to her, she married early and even at this age feels like she missed out a lot in life , cos she was always at home with the kids while hubby enjoyed his life alone. For that reason she insisted she didn’t want me to feel I missed out in life and asked my husband to wait. She also waited anyway, because I had to cook for the kids and make them comfortable before leaving, we got there a bit late.’
My surprise came when he abandoned me with colleagues and went along socializing all alone. At a point, I saw another of my neighbor holding his wife’s hand and introducing her to colleagues while mine just kept minding his business without thinking about my feelings. I had to pretend like I was very comfortable in the company of the ladies and let him be until it was time to go home. He managed to introduce me to a few colleagues who greeted while we came in and those who met us on our way out. I don’t know why but I feel like we do not get along well like a couple whenever we are in public. This is not the only instance madam, just that I don’t want to bore people with stories of him keeping to himself when he takes me for events/ ceremonies.
How do I get hubby and I to behave as close and romantic as I see other couples do? I need help please. I don’t want my young husband and I to be so unromantic and unfriendly in public. I want him by my side when we go out. Am I not beautiful enough?
Nelly
I feel you Nelly. I personally don't think ur hubby delibrately ignores your presence when u are out together as I've realised most men are like that. Some of my friends and I experience similar to what you have described. When we go to parties my hubby is taking me to (he was d one invited) he meets friends he has not seen for yrs and goes to catch up with them and if its his work party it might b colleagues from other branches hez not seen in years. I sometimes just sit there like a zombie while he comes to check on me a few times. I later realised that those kinda outings r not for me so I make sure its more of a couples kinda outing b4 I consent to going. You did mention that he introduced u to a few of his colleagues so I don't see that as a problem, if it bothers u so much then talk to him about it. Such outings I prefer to stay home with d kids, catch some sleep or go pamper myself.
Dear nelly, u asked if ur not beautiful enuf? We can't tell without takin a look at ur pic. That aside, ur hubby saw a beautiful woman in and out before he married u. It means something must have chAnged. Pls evaluate yourself from the time u were dating him till now, then u will know wat went wrong. Remember, men r visually stimulated whether we still believe it or not. He mite not want to tell u feelin he mite hurt u. Some men keep such to themselves and expect u to figure it out. While others voice it out and tell u how they want you to be and remind u that ur gradually loosing it. Either way, a careful evaluation should give u d answer u need. U can even bring it up to him and insist he tells you what d problem might be, whether or not it will hurt. There r several reasons why he is acting this way, without trying to sound somehow,maybe things have changed and ur not changing with it
I have to be blunt and say this husband appears to be ashamed of his wife.
There is no other reason a man will go out with his wife and then ignore her and fail to introduce her to friends
It also appears that the man is still behaving like a bachelor and that is down to his wife allowing him to behave like that.
Yes, bring it up with him and see what he says ……but it might be time for the lady to take a long hard look at herself and answer the question 'Am I less that who I was before marriage'………………..
ps – sorry ''Am I less than who I was before marriage'………………..
Hello Nelly,
the fact that your husband asked you to the wedding in the first place says that he did want you to be there. I'm wondering if you need to be a little bolder. Maybe he thought it was the right thing to do to leave you with the ladies. Did you say 'No, I'll come over with you and meet your friends', or maybe you could have walked over and joined him later and introduced yourself to them. If this is not the case then you will have to ask him about it, or have you already done that?
Personally I tink u shud talk 2 ur hubby bout ow u feel? Ask him if der r tins dts making him keep u aside wen u're in gatherings 2geda. I also strongly agree with Lizzy on d fact dt der are some outings dt are not necessary 2go wit ur hubby cos he might be so engrossed wit catching up with old pals Α̲̅n̶̲̥̅̊d̶̲̥̅̊ unknowingly ignore u. U won't know d probs until u talk 2him bout it,so pls: talk 2ur oga bout ow u're feeling. Also make sure u look gud 4him,if ur hubby's a fashionable person,tk time 2look gud Α̲̅n̶̲̥̅̊d̶̲̥̅̊ trendy if possible. Don't dress or make hair like a very old woman wen u guys are going out. And above all PRAY,it works O°˚˚˚° ,prayer works,pray about ur marriage ALWAYS!!!
Your husband asked you out on this date, and some others you mentioned so I won't focus on your looks. Rather, you mentioned that you both already get tense from the house and in the car and after that the occasion proper does not go well. I want you to think and remember what causes the tension and try to stop it. This last one you mentioned, you said you were late getting ready, and that got him annoyed. Instead of hurrying up, you took even more time to take care of the kids, yet you also said your sibling was around to take care of the kids. So why all the late preparation? I'm sure he told you on time, maybe the day before about the wedding so why being late?
I am woman too, and my husband usually finishes preparing for a date before me, but after the first few times when this almost caused tension between us, I had to tell myself to buckle up. Now, I ask him the time he wants us to leave, and I'm ready by that time. This has totally removed that tension between us as we go out for dates. He is happy, I'm not stressed cos I'm still putting makeup on in the car, or tying my headtie or something.
Now, I don't have children so I may not fully understand, but this is what I'll say on that. When you have someone to take care of the little ones, relax, and let the person take care of them. When you're too attached to your kids ALL the time, even when your husband needs your attention, he may begin to feel unwanted and tense and then he will draw away from you.
Also, when female friends become your confidant, like the woman you mentioned, it may also cause your husband to draw away, thinking you don't need him.
Finally, others have asked how you look. Also consider that and improve if need be. But if you're husband hasn't complained, and is still taking you out to events, I don't think you have much to worry about. All the best.
Nelly, I think you need to evaluate yourself. Sit down and think deeply, when you were dating, did you guys go out a lot, dis he take you how often, was there any form of tension at that time? If there was no tension then, there are a few things that might have caused this;
1. Your Appearance: this has nothing to do with your beauty, it has to do with the way you dress, your hair,nails, your smell, generally your outward appearance. Take special care of yourself, everything is evolving, I am not saying you should follow trend, but a lot is going on out there and trust me, your husband has eyes to see them.
2.You didn't say anything about your job or your level of education, do your have a job or a business you run? This would help broaden your horizon on all levels. Men love beauty with brains, don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying you should match ur husband man to man in public conversations, but even the few things you say should be intelligent. Make sure you are up to date with things going on around you. Know one or two things about every aspect of endeavours.
3. Spend more time with your husband.you two should go out together alone, not to events, but dinners, movies and private hangout. Have your own couple time out. Watch how he reacts when you are out alone, build his confidence in you on such outings and he'd be less tensed when its time for an occassion.
4. Talk to him but pls DON'T NAG about this. State your facts affectionately.Let him know how you feel but be wise, don't state your facts like you are extremely bothered about it. It would speak low self worth.
5. When you are out at an occassion, drop a few words of praise of your husband in his presence. Say a few good things about him to people in his presence. Boost his ego but please don't over do it.
6. Prayer is key!!! A prayerful woman builds a happy home. Put everything to God in prayers, he listens.
There ar so many tins dat u need 2 luk into, lik ur size ur shape this ar tins our men is lukin out 4….. Nt jst 2 luk beatiful…. Jst Check ur self…. May b u ar nt meetin up 2 his standard ad he's ashame 2 introduce u 2 his friends.. U knw most men ll nt say lik my hubby my dear u need 2 check ur self
When I saw ur post, the first thing that came to my mind is "orishirishi, marriage counselors must av heard enough!" lolz but then, marriage is not easy and no two marriages are the same.
We women like to assume a lot. maybe I'm not pretty enough, maybe I talk too much, maybe he is cheating, maybe he is fed up, maybe, maybe. My dear, just sit the Mister down and ask him directly. "Why do you behave this way in public? let him answer. He might not even have a definite reason for acting that way so you both will figure it out together.
the second part which most of us dont like to hear is, have you become unattractive? too much weight? Ugly clothes? unattractive hairstyles? I'm sorry to sound this way but it is the truth! Dress for your age not status! if you are in your 20s, dress like a fabulous 20-something year old not like a 'married woman'. How a married woman should look is overrated. Make sure you are decent but on top of your game. Oga cannot ignore his wife when other man are staring at her!
what of your character? Are you timid? are you shy? do you speak well? can you hold a meaningful conversation? Do you contribute to an intellectual discussion or you just sit there smiling? are you razz? are you clingy? all these things matter. If people like to be around you every where you go, DH will want to be in the picture. carry yourself well, walk tall, shoulders squared with ur best smile. Practice smiling in front of a mirror till you get the perfect I-AM-GREAT smile! (NO be joke O)
Sometimes we might get angry that someone is embarrassed by us, but we don't think of our own part. dnt relax just because you are married. the way the world is now, NOBODY WANTS TO KNOW!
Whether he was the one invited or not, when I go to places with my husband, I try to socialize on my own. It is hard for me cos I easily get shy around people, but if I see that I'll start looking weird if I dnt socialize, I turn the heat up! Pls, ladies, make una no dey carry last o! especially if you are still young (in ur 20s or 30s) and married!
But just ask him sha. based on his answer, you will know.
My dear, they have said it all…..talk wit your hubby, communication is key. Assuming blindly will just damage your self esteem. You will never know what the problem is unless you ask him directly and hear from him. If you can, I implore you to have a long talk with him okay?
Bear in mind that they don't reason like we ladies do. There's every possibility that if you start to have the talk, he will say there's nothing wrong, and that he doesn't know what you are talking about…..even if that happens, still take the advice of those that have commented before me and assess yourself and also give yourself a makeover. The better you look, the more he'll want to take you out and introduce you to his friends with a possessive arm around you.
Above all, prayer is the key. Talk to your maker, ask Him for advice….he knows ur hubby more than anyone else (after all, he's His son) and He'll give you ideas you can use. Remember "You have not received because you have not asked"
Madam, I think you should sit him down and ask him if he feels ashamed of you in public. That's a good start-up point
Same story,different solution. I've got a husband who leaves me in an event an go on chatting up with friends. Firstly, I decided never to go out with him again. Whenever events came up I gave flimsy excuses though it can be painful,I took it up in prayer,read some books on relationship,stepped up my game abt my look,dress sense. DH husband. Is actually d uncomfortable one when we go out thanx to bb,I no longer live in self pity my friends ping me up on time to txt me their seat location. If my friends are not there, I ask God for confidence and before you say jack,I've already become a meaningful chatter box. When d party is over he is d one that asks if I'm ready to go home. We drive home happy with me gisting about how many new friends I made and there will be no boring friends story for him to tell. When he found out my game,he started telling everyone whenever we went out,this is my wife and she is a mother of five. ( Who say. Monkey wey dey chop Banana no deyfear). So dear prayer,confiendence,knowing ur self worth and appearance moves moutain. I call it my'Total package'.
I love that word *Total package*getting your groove on helps a lot too
Love this gathering… Matured