The Situation of things in my marriage to a pastor

So, yesterday I  got a call, the caller was really really down,  not a regular wives connection reader.  Says she was just searching for some answers online when she bumped into the blog, read some topics and had to call me because she needed to talk and couldn't find who to trust.  She got involved in a domestimated  accident that got people rushing to show sympathy,  she fell on the staircase,  it was really serious with blood gushing out of her knee but hubby showed no sympathy, but instead was asking why she let herself fall like that. Things have happened,  where she expects that he makes her feel loved and appreciated but he shows no feelings and it's so bad she had to visit Google to seek solutions and see if there are other women in marriages like hers.We got talking and then Network became poor, we couldn't hear ourselves anymore and had to continue on WhatsApp.
Please read and also share your thoughts with her.

[26/06 16:53] Eya Ayambem: Hi, you there?
[26/06 16:59] Blog Caller: Yes
[26/06 17:08] Eya Ayambem: Sorry, I lost connection. is he at home?
[26/06 17:09] Blog Caller: No
[26/06 17:13] Eya Ayambem: How long have you been married? Kids?
BLOG CALLER : we been married 5 years, 3 kids.

[26/06 17:16] Eya Ayambem: Has he always been like this or he changed?

[26/06 17:17] Blog Caller: Always like this,even b4 marriage
[26/06 17:25] Blog Caller: We believed it was God's design so since I wanted to do God's will I continued despite all l saw

[26/06 17:29] Eya Ayambem: Then you cannot change him. See you are new to the institution that's why you still feel like this and let yourself be miserable. Most of our African, Nigerian husbands are like yours in some ways, they do not know how to show affection or emotions. They are not really expressive and only know how to be tough and macho.  Stop trying to make him notice your feelings,  so you don't live all your life trying. Start living and making yourself happy and that’s possible if you learn to ignore him, act like he's not there and as much as possible, treat him the way he treats you. My husband doesn't show emotions too and it used to really affect me but after all these long years together, I've developed strong kanda skin, I don't expect emotions or soft heartedness anymore, now a wiser, tougher and remodelled woman and we are happier because these kind of people even get angry when you complain too much.

[26/06 17:34] Blog Caller: U are right but wen I try to be strong and ignore,I exhibit some ungodly attitudes.

26/06 17:35] Eya Ayambem: Ungodly attitudes like.?
26/06 17:36] Blog Caller: Answering wrongy in anger,keeping alone,frowning
[26/06 17:38] Blog Caller: He knows how to give wot I need to others but finds it difficult to give me .
[26/06 17:40] Blog Caller: He has never looked into my eyes to say anything sweet,even during sex . I only manage to flow remembering other people's sweet words to me. I think this is bad.

[26/06 17:34] Eya Ayambem: Tell yourself that THIS is who your husband is and that if in 5 years you haven't been able to change him,  then you don't want to spend thirty, forty, fifty solid years of your life struggling to change another human.  Can I ask you something?

[26/06 17:46] Eya Ayambem: See,  eh? you need to train yourself to do it right. Not angrily. That's not who you are but you can act it out unless you are saying that you can't continue in the marriage. If you want it to work,  you adapt,   you cannot change him but can bend YOU.
YOU are in it already, that's who he is. Even if you leave him today, the next wife will complain about all these and decide to leave or make it work.
You said you are both Christians, does he take his faith seriously like you?

[26/06 17:48] Blog Caller: Yes
He is a pastor.

[26/06 17:48] Eya Ayambem: You know I can bet this is not the first time you crying about your situation and it won't be the last unless you do something differently.
[26/06 17:49] Eya Ayambem: Have you gone for Christian counseling or talked to a senior Believer about how you feel?

[26/06 17:49] Blog Caller: He is a pastor
[26/06 17:52] Blog Caller: Don't talk much but av always been advised to resort to prayers since there's nothing God cannot do. I believe but sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore

[26/06 17:58] Eya Ayambem: I'm not surprised, know why?  I know a few pastors' wives and know their pain. The flock enjoy them much more than their wives and kids.
[26/06 18:01] Eya Ayambem: They are so given to building the kingdom that they do not realise their families are crying, sobbing silently.  If the wives are not strong and depended on God and what they can do,  kids oftentimes go astray because  Dad is too busy to notice. You have to be strong,  God answered your prayer long ago and gave you a solution. YOU are the solution.
[26/06 18:06] Eya Ayambem: As a pastor's wife, you have only very very few people you can open up to without causing more problems for yourself. You have to daily encourage other wives going through even smaller challenges without letting them know you also have these challenges,  the Lord is your strength and you must learn to dish out a dose of his medicine, make him complain and that wd be the right atmosphere to let him realize himself.
[26/06 18:12] Eya Ayambem: One thing you may not know though, is that Most  hardworking pastors are almost always under pressure and stressed out. Your husband might be under very serious pressure that you his wife cannot understand.

[26/06 19:22] Blog Caller: Sorry pls my phone went off
[26/06 19:22] Blog Caller: Thanks for ur advice
[26/06 19:24] Blog Caller: I pray God will make me strong. Am only afraid cos the children are watching. He shouts at any little thing attracting d attention of every dick and harry in d house.

[26/06 21:20] Eya Ayambem: I understand you perfectly.  It will be alright.
[27/06 07:50] Blog Caller: Thanks so much


  1. Well, just as aunty Eya said, you know his kind of person so try to be tough, be your own woman. When he is having any issues that need you to be emotional with him, be tough and show him what it means to live life devoid of emotion.
    Funny enough, I was telling one of my male friends this yesterday. The more men become tougher, the more their women look for affection in the arms of other men.

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    1. Johnson6/27/2016

      Adaeze - I like d statement "the more men become tougher, the more their women look for affection in the arms of other men".
      For the mothers in the house - how are you bringing up your male children - to be hard???
      For the unmarried sisters - if you are interested in having a happy marriage (which I bet u do), pls do the due-diligence on the man u are marrying. Marry your friend; not a sugar-daddy!
      For the Poster - if your husband is indeed a pastor (not by title), report him to your father in-lay (God) and He will deal with him. However, do you have cordial relationship with this father in-law??? If not, u still have a opportunity to build the relationship.

    2. Anonymous6/27/2016

      Hmmmmm,true talk but God dey.

  2. I'm surprised she is complaining because the man has always been that way its not like he pretended in the beginning or he changed suddenly biko she should accept him for who he is. My husband is not like that o ah if i fall down the man will be petting me so please not all husbands are like that

    1. He is sympathetic then, I like such men. A man that is not emotional is hard to understand, you can't tell when he is happy or sad or enjoying something or not. The look is just there, always the same. Some men just feel like showing emotion is feminine and a sign of weakness.

    2. I still dont think my husband is very emotional i guess he just shows care. Her husband showed care in his own way by asking her why she had to fall down, she just needs to understand his way of doing things. He might be acting out of character in church and may be himself at home. The responsibility is on her to teach him how to show care

  3. Anonymous6/27/2016

    You saw everything and continued because you wanted to do God's will?

  4. Anonymous6/28/2016

    Hmmmmm its like d poster took words out of my hubby is tough nd I cry sometimes wen he doesn't show emotions. We have been apart for 2years now bcos he is not in 9ja. Number of times wen I miss him at nite I will text him that I love nd miss....he will neva reply frustrates nd put me into a depressed state.2day I have learnt from Eya dat I need to be tough as well nd stop d cry. 4years in marriage wit 2years all by myself...dis his behaviour messes up my day nd I get angry at my kids unnecessarily. Its nt goin to be easy to be tough but am going to give it my best.tanks Eya.


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