Dating A Nigerian Married Man Who Wants To Take Me As Second Wife

Hi Eya, I am an ardent reader of wives connection blog from South Africa. who needs your advice and that of other women to help me make one very serious decision of my life. In 2014, I met and fell in love with a Nigerian married man here in South Africa. He is based here but his family hasn't moved to join him yet. His wife works over there in Nigeria and visits with their two kids. I met him on the saddest day of my life so to say, I had just lost my father and been jilted by my boyfriend who found a prettier woman to stalk. While I went out to meditate on my life and seek ways to move forward,and didn't realize I was in tears until he walked up to me and offered to drive me home, although I hesitated because I don't like strangers showing kindness to me, he insisted, I got convinced he was sincere and let him take me home in his car.

Eventually, we became friends as he continued to visit me and with his wedding ring on his finger, I
told him off and didn't want another relationship so soon after being jilted. He was patient, understanding and above all very very caring. When I discovered his family is not with him here in South Africa, we started an affair which has now grown beyond my power.  I have seen his beautiful wife and kids before, but they don't know me. Although he says she is not really that caring about him and his well being, I still do like her down to earth simplicity and would like to be a co-wife with her, that's if she accepts me.

I know a lot of women will hate me for this, but personally, I do not see anything wrong with getting married to a married African man. The culture doesn't forbid it, neither do I. Age is still very much on my side, In my late twenties, I have come to fall head over heels in love and cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with any other. I know he loves me, even though my friends think a man cannot love two women. He loves his family too and does not plan on relocating me to Nigeria. We are good here in South Africa and his wife and kids will always be free to come visit. She remains his first wife and I don't want to be misunderstood, my marriage doesn't bring an end to his first marriage, no way, not that in any way. I am not like one of these desperate young ladies who mount pressure on lovers to divorce their wives. I want to be friends with his wife, if she accepts me. She looks to me like a nice lady, her kids are very friendly too and I know that, if their mother is good with it, they will also not reject me.

Yesterday he proposed and I accepted. However, I need help from other Nigerian wives.I need to know if there is something I am supposed to do. Well, although I accepted his marriage proposal last night, there is still one condition attached. I explicitly told him in very clear terms that the marriage can only hold if his first wife accepts me. Though I won't live in Nigeria with her, I still feel strongly that her acceptance is the blessing needed for the success of my marriage.

My fiance is from the Nigerian Yoruba tribe and he tells me polygamy is not forbidden in Nigeria. He says I don't need his first wife's permission because the woman is not the head and that over there, the husband has the right to marry more than one wife even though legally he is allowed only one wife. They did  a traditional and Registry wedding.

I don't mind skipping the legal stuff and performing just our traditional marriage rites. I need help on what to do to make his first wife receive and like me as her co-wife. I am very much convinced that I have met my husband. Are there tips please? Are there any Nigerian second wives with successful marriages? Please help me out ladies.

Comments

  1. Anonymous11/04/2015

    What? How can any sane woman say she wants to become a second wife. Tufiakwa.

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  2. My dear, no sob story justifies dating a married man. When you start to enjoy the marriage and he suddenly announces he's bringing in a third wife, how would you feel? I haven't heard of Nigerian wives that are welcoming to co-wives, maybe other readers will have breakthrough tips for you. I don't know.

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  3. Anonymous11/04/2015

    Anu mpampa, did your mother teach you to marry another woman's husband? In Nigeria we practice one man, one wife.

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  4. Anonymous11/04/2015

    If you are in the position of the first wife, will you accept a co-wife? If you sincerely answer this question then you can decide going forward. Secondly, in Nigeria under the registry marriage, the man must divorce the 1st wife before he can take on another wife! If the marriage were only traditional, then this law is not binding on him! I will rather advise that you drop this idea!!!

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  5. I do have an advice for you and it is RUN!
    Do you think a woman would allow you into her home while she sits and watches? Do you think she doesn't remember the humble beginnings she shared with her husband? Do you think she'll run to you with arms wide open and say, 'welcome my beloved?'
    My dear, if she welcomes you, her family members will slap sense into her head and when I say sense, I mean.
    1. Consult a huge oracle on your behalf and ruin you before you begin to spell the word, marriage.
    2. Embark prayers (strong prayers) that would send you tumbling down.
    3. Look for ways to eliminate you.
    I might be wrong ooo but truth is, you wouldn't get that man without a fight (battling things) and when you finally enter the household, you'll keep asking yourself, 'was it worth it?'
    Accept the fact that you practicing adultery with a married man and ask God for forgiveness then, humbly walk away from the relationship.
    As you said, you are in your late twenties and age is on your side. So, do not settle for less!
    Besides who says that your ex's girlfriend is prettier than you are? Do you have a mirror that measures beauty? Or do you own Snow White's step-mother's mirror in your house, which gives you daily updates on the prettiest girl in the planet?
    Walk away now before it's too late.
    I wish you luck!

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  6. Anonymous11/04/2015

    Me i want to know if it is a sin to be a second wife just asking oh...because from what i have read in the bible,i know of deacon and pastors are not allowed to marry two wives

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    Replies
    1. Pls stay way from other women's husband.Are you not ashamed of yourself with this stupid question you are asking here Anon 18:52.Lady like you makes me sick!!!!!

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    2. Poster,you have a serious problem.

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  7. Anonymous11/05/2015

    Wow it seems you man has the best of both worlds. he gets to make a new "legal" bedmate in South Africa while maintaining a respectable image in Nigeria...And what do you get? umm I cant see it. You are in love with him because he is your rebound man. He came right at the most vunerable point of your life. he preyed on your vunerability. i can say this because it happened to me. I had to take a break in order to see what was really happening behind the curtain.
    Please Poster..leave this man or at least separate for 6 months. At least give yourself the chance to think about this. Since you are young,why stick with excuse me to say "used goods"? You are young enough to catch your own husband and not borrow and maintain someone's property.
    Whatever you do it will never be yours!!!! The proposal is fake!! A smokescreen to throw in your fsce so you will continue having sex, cooking for him and taking care of him. Thats all it is. See it for what it is.
    If he really really really really loves you tell him to divorce his wife.... Goodness knows the analysis he will bring up. DONT FALL FOR IT!!!

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  8. Anonymous11/05/2015

    Trust me, it's better you pull out now. Being a second wife is not so glamorous...think about the damage you will cause to the man's wife and kids. I'm sure you are better than this and I know God is waiting for you to do the right thing so that he can send the perfect man for you to you.

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  9. Aunty Eya I can't comment on the blog wonder why. People take a chill pill she came here for advice not castigating. Please poster is the guy in question a Christian or a Muslim? If he is a Muslim then I think it's ok. If he is not then I will advise you leave him. Atimes love is not enough. As for the 1st wife accepting you,that Will happen only in a Muslim setting. Bear in mind also that soon a 3rd woman will come,hope you will be accommodating then. Best of luck dear. From Lisa Ephraim

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  10. Anonymous11/05/2015

    From your write up I can see you are not a child of God.. Please my beloved God cares too much for you to want you to jeopardise your life and future. My advice is quit your ways of life by first RUNNING to Christ. The law from God Himself is ONE man, one wife. In the beginning He made them ONE. That was why He made Eve out of Adams rib. He did not create two women from Adams rib. No sane Nigeria woman wants a third party in her home. The man will later make life miserable for you and you will regret the day you said ' I do to him' and will sooner or later ask your self what have I done to myself? In Nigeria now most Muslim women are not in support of their husband marrying a second wife. Many go into diabolical things.You are still very young please embrace Christ. and He will give u a man that will love and cherish you for who you are and not an object of self pity. What you are calling love now is nothing but pity. The bible says that we are wonderfully and fearfully made by God. You are unique, believe me there is no other you in the whole world. Pray for God to bring the man He has wired you for and you will not regret it. I wish you well .

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  11. Anonymous11/05/2015

    Dear Poster instead of relying on what other people will say why not do the fact finding yourself? Take action!!
    Ask your fiance to set a date to call the first wife in Nigeria together to introduce you to her. Then you will know if she accepts you. Or on your own, take a trip to Nigeria and go and introduce yourself. Then you will know for yourself if she accepts you. Remember that you still have to deal with her family members as well as the children in the marriage.
    Remember this is 21st century 2015 not 1956, 1980 or 1990. Do you recognize that? Do you know any of his friends or family members? Has he introduced you to his own family members and friends? Or you are hidden away? The best kept secret! Thats what one guy told me when I asked to meet his family and friends. He said oh baby you are too good. I dont want anyone to see the gold i have!!! I immediately raaaan!!!!
    Please find a friend or relative of the man and make your own inquiries. Dont rely only on what he tells you. People on the forum can give you millions of advice. But for some things you will have to find out yourself.

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  12. I might sound different because she only mentioned the man is yoruba but didn't say about his religion. We know that Muslim religion allows a man to marry more than one wife but that's not the case, my sister think twice and put yourself in the first wife's shoe. This is beyond asking questions on social media, I believe you already know the answer and responses you will get.
    But this thing called love ehhh!

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  13. He is Christian, though not a regular at church. I can't visit Nigeria to meet her, besides I've never been to Nigeria.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. HI Poster, you are about to step into a ditch, Please i advise you leave him.
      He's trying to take advantage of you. My dear, please just be patient and seek Gods face. He will definitely send you the right one (rmbr he said he knows the number of hair on our head) so no need getting worried about where u will start from. I pray God gives you wisdom..

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    3. HI Poster, you are about to step into a ditch, Please i advise you leave him.
      He's trying to take advantage of you. My dear, please just be patient and seek Gods face. He will definitely send you the right one (rmbr he said he knows the number of hair on our head) so no need getting worried about where u will start from. I pray God gives you wisdom..

      Delete
  14. Lisa Ephraim11/06/2015

    Dear Poster, since he is a Christian, regular or not advice you to stop. You are about to pierce the hat of a fellow woman with a dagger. Please I believe you are a good person that s why you are asking. Please stop now, you are hurting someone deeply. Your own knight will come, don't play second fiddle.You deserve better. Good luck dear.

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    Replies
    1. Lisa Ephraim11/06/2015

      *heart*

      Delete
  15. Anonymous11/06/2015

    Hi poster, my gut feeling is that you are a convenient bedwarmer for this my Yoruba brother. He wants to eat his cake and have it. There are so many odds stacked against you and I'm afraid that you will lose out on a lot if you go ahead. One day, this man will move to Nigeria and you won't have a husband anymore.
    And I doubt that he will introduce you to his wife for her approval. If you do go ahead with this marriage, make sure his family comes to ask for your hands. His real family, not some miscellaneous Yoruba people in south africa

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous11/06/2015

      You just took the words outta my mouth. If he wants to get married to you like he says then he should do it the appropriate Nigerian way. Bcos dis man so fit jst wan chop and clean mout.

      Delete
  16. Anonymous11/06/2015

    "He says I don't need his first wife's permission because the woman is not the head and that over there, the husband has the right to marry more than one wife even though legally he is allowed only one wife. They did  a traditional and Registry wedding."..for this reason alone, you should think with your head! When he's about to take on a third wife, it wnt be ur business as well because he's head; except in S.A, it's d women who head their home. That man is very irresponsible! He's a sexist!

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  17. Poster they did a registry marriage, so if he marries you the marriage would be void ab initio. Ehen so when you stt sending us a sob story of heartless naija men, knw dt dis one did not deceive u. bettr use ur tongue to count ur teeth. Not later you would join theband wagon of women singing the woes of naija men jilting them. He has a wife. GOSH.... how does this happen? u even accepted to date him. Avoid stories that touch

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  18. Anonymous11/11/2015

    If u were his first wife will u accept another woman to b a co wife with u? Just search itself and give a honest answer to that question. If the man's wife was dead it would've been very OK for u to marry d man...which will b right in the eyes of God and man. Since she is still alive ... PLEASE don't destroy another woman's marriage...put urtself in her shoes, u won't like it if it happens to u

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  19. Anonymous11/17/2015

    lmao. i have laughed my ass out at the replies from my fellow nigerians. kai! we won't change. so y'all mean y'all ain't got any nice advice for a sister in dilemma?
    anyways, here's my advice,adding to what a sister replied, poster, just think of it the other way round.Imagine when your so overwhelmed by love and they bring in wife 3, and attention is taken from you and ur kids and passed on to the new Mrs. If you'd feel good with it,continue, otherwise plz put ur slippers under ur arm and tika(run)

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  20. Today marriage and divorce is trivial business especially for nigerians! And now they began to find the tips of these situations! You can read about it on https://kovla.com/blog/celebrity-tips-on-marriage-and-divorce/ . Read it article, you'll know many new things about celebrities and their private life! Enjoy)

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  21. Anonymous4/11/2016

    when he told you that he was the head of the house and she didn't need to know... you should have realised then, that they know NOTHING about you, and he'll never let them know anything about you. you're the side chick he has in south africa, and i wont be suprised if there is a third or fourth wife/girlfriend/sidechick in other countries too.

    ReplyDelete

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