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Leaving Him And New Wife An Option?

WhatsApp Conversation:
04:12, 18/05/2015] Blog Reader: Morning aunty,u're doing a nice job,pls keep it up.I really have a burden in my heart dat I want to share wit u,nd I really nid advice from ur blog.                           I've been married for over 8yrs now,still believing God for d fruit of d womb,done 2 failed ivfs,just to discover dat my husband has a wife nd two kids outside,I've heard about dis kind of stories,never believe it could happen to me,honestly I'm shocked by his betrayal,will leaving him be d best option?
[08:25, 18/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: Oh my, how did you find out?

[04:31, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: It's God,for d pass 4 yrs,he's been locking his fone,on dis particular day he
slept off without locking it,I decided to go thru his messages,dats when I found out in his watsapp messages, when I checked his fone album I almost fainted,no wonder he has a password on his phone,I also discover from their conversation dat d lady knows about me,is like my husband promised her dat he was going to bring her home after having children for him,cos there was a message I read she was saying dat my husband deceived her,nd dat after two children,she is  still outside,my husband replied that U've always wanted to be a single mom,so y are u complaining,nd she replied dat she didn't know taking care of two children would be dat difficult

[14:15, 19/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: Does he know you have seen the messages?

[14:16, 19/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: Leaving might not be the best option now. Is the lady someone you know?

[14:17, 19/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: Has he married her or just a baby mama?

[14:34, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: I haven't confronted him,honestly I don't know how to go about it,I actually don't want him to know I got d information from his phone

[14:34, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: I don't think I know d lady
[14:36, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: I'm suspecting he has married her,cos their was one messages she sent her bank details,she was answering my husband's name,and again d Valentine's message my husband sent me is same he sent her,"to my sweet dearest wife

[15:28, 19/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: All those names tinz can be done without him marrying her. Are you and hubby from same tribe?
Did you marry at the registry too and you have your marriage certificate?
Do not dwell on suspicion now. Confront that confusion wisely ok. Tell him there's something you want to discuss with him when he is free. When you are seated, pray silently for wisdom and self control then put it straight to him like. ..Honey do you have another wife somewhere? Listen attentively and refuse to raise your voice. Are his friends still as close to you like they used to? What about his family?

[15:32, 19/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: Your husband is not the only one with that name you know. Her surname could be the same as your husbands. You know you can tell him you dreamt about him with a second family and listen to his response. Did you send the messages to your phone in case he denies?
[15:51, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: Thanks a lot
[15:51, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: I will confront him dis evening

[15:51, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: We did court marriage,nd I have d certificate
[15:51, 19/05/2015] Blog Reader: We are both same tribe,d girl is ibo

[17:57, 19/05/2015] Eya Ayambem: Maybe you leave the confrontation till tomorrow let me post first incase a reader has better advise for you ok?

Comments

  1. Anonymous5/19/2015

    Na wa o! Just read a post on another blog about a woman whose husband is sleeping with her sister bc she is yet to have kids for him.............This childlessness thing is really causing issues in marriage and I wish God would intervene in a major way. But to be honest its not because you dont have kids that your husband strayed if you guys did IVF then I am sure you are aware of surrogacy, your husband didnt have to go that way because lets face it is, it is more expensive to maintain another family outside the current one you have so its not because you don't have kids for him that he cheated so lets get that out of the way. The truth is no one can tell you what to do! That man has been keeping such a secret from you for years and thats really messed up. If you feel you cannot stay with him anymore then by all means leave, the other woman would most likely move in or ..............he may beg you to stay. I think your reaction would be influenced by his attitude, but like I said no one can advice you. We are all on the outside looking in, you are the one that understands your situation the best and you would know whats best for you. But if you leave, what next? Whats your next line of action. I personally have always said that if for whatever reason I leave my husband I would never remarry because i dont feel the stress is worth it but thats my opinion. If you want to remarry you will probably find someone to marry you. I guess what I am trying to say is (forgive my rambling) that you need to think this through. But by all means dont hesitate to ask him o! I'm sure its eating away at you. So sorry you are going through this bullshit

    ReplyDelete
  2. To be honest with you, neither leaving or staying will mend what has been broken. You will have to confront him at some point. As much as I do not condone what he has done, i must mention that he respects you to an extent that is why he has not brought in the other woman and her kids or leave you and move in with them.
    Let your decision be what will make u happy and give you rest of mind and not what people or society will say or judge you on.
    I pray God will give you the direction you desire at this difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello Eya,
    I think I will personally like to combine your advise with that of Lizzy and sift the best from there cos it's pragmatic.
    However you see marital issues are way too complex and like Lizzy said she is the one in the middle of things and I am very sure she can only relate 1% of what is actually going on. While a sympathise with what she is going through some questions beg for answers for good advice to be given vide - how old is she, - are they Christians ,- what's her relationship with her parents in law . You see a man that can keep a woman with two children for that long and comfortably comes back home must be a licensed liar. So if she is young I will advice she sits with ppl she can trust e.g her mum and discuss the way forward. If Christians, then something is wrong somewhere spiritually and serious intervention into that home is required. Now if her parents in law are reasonable and reliable ppl then it becomes interesting. My reason is I will suggest after confronting her husband and if all goes well and she decides to stay, she should insist to children be brought home and her husband never sees the other woman in private again. If for any reason it should be in the presence of an uncle, aunt or parent, the reason we all know- to prevent a third. Then no money should ever be disbursed in secret. In fact she takes care of the children. It's not easy, but the situation demands it. Now look for the best fertility clinic and insist on a deposit for check ups for both of you. I wish and pray that your home stabilises and God will give you your own children. Any advice to leave should be weighed properly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my God! I feel so pained. This kind of thing happened to a family that I know, the woman had no children and the man went outside to get two kids. The kids are now through with Uni and even working. The wife of the man still stayed with her husband but eventually adopted a daughter of her own.
    My dear, this is a big case, a very big situation and I honestly do not know what advice to give you. I am really sorry that you have to go through this. I advice you to go to church and maybe meet a pastor or a priest and tell him what you found out. I am sure you'll get the best advice there and I'm sure you'll sort this out once and for all.
    I feel your husband still loves you deeply and I am sure the other woman knows it too since through her chats, she sounds worried about the fact that she's not in his house already. Don't take any drastic decision yet. May the Holy spirit guide you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/20/2015

      Thank u so much

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/20/2015

      Thank u so much

      Delete
    3. Anonymous5/20/2015

      Thank u so much

      Delete
    4. Anonymous5/20/2015

      Thank u so much

      Delete
    5. Anonymous5/20/2015

      Honestly I'd love to leave,but where do I go from here,just turned 40,my parents are late,same as his father,his mother is very old

      Delete
    6. It is well with you my sister.
      However, I will suggest you take it easy. Please still hold off on the confrontation for now. I will suggest you start beefing up your personal account before you confront or leave. Set up some business to do first. Please note that if you leave, the other woman will move in..sso please start by looking for how to address the issues at home.
      In all..try and forgive him. Show him more love..I know it's extremely terrible and painful, but pray more for God's direction. Get a surrogate and have your children. Set some condition as regards the other woman as earlier mentioned and learn to have peace within yourself. You will be fine in jesus name. Xoxo

      Delete
  5. Just last year in my area, December precisely, a married man with 3lovely kids, brought home a new wife with her newly born into his house. It was very shocking to the whole neighborhood. The wife couldn't comprehend such a development - no previous information or suspicion of any type. She was dumbfounded. She cried her eyes out; grieved (and still grieving). She starved herself to the point of unconsciousness.
    What an Evil way to Reward a wholesome beauty who has done you no wrong.
    But, how did she handle the ugly situation? Did she moved out? No - she stayed. She wiped hers and faced the monster. With fearless heart and prayers, early this March, her husband relocated the babymama to unknown location. Some men (women inclusive), are really animals when it comes to marriage.

    On this case:
    Please madam, the deed has been done, so you can't undo it. But you can still find happiness. Whatever solution you adopt should be tailored towards keeping you healthy and happy. You must not jump from frying pan to fire.

    Looking at your story, your husband still have some regards for you. He still want to be responsible in the eyes of the society. He doesn't have 'the liver' to do what my neighbor did. Why should 'confronting him' be the first step? Please, here are the questions you need to ask yourself:
    1. What is your view about your husband? Before the heartbreaking information, can you say he is your God's sent? Has he been secretive right from day-one? Does his lifestyle suggests somebody with deep human value? Who are his friends? What is his relationship with God like?

    2. Do you think the man's family, his parents in particular, know about this second woman?

    3. If in the end, your husband decides to take the woman as his second wife, will you accept such fate?

    4. Can you be financially independent?

    5. Deep inside you, is there anything you are believing to be the cause of many tries without success? (as in getting pregnant)

    6. Are you getting visible pressures from his family on this pregnancy issue?

    7. Did a gynecologist certified you healthy and fertile to the knowledge of your husband?

    8. Can you say that, you have been encouraged by his support and efforts towards having a baby with you? Has he be very friendly and upbeat?

    9. What is your relationship with God? Have you ever crossed any of the life obstacles/challenges using prayers?

    10. Finally, and you have to be honest, do you still want stay in this marriage?
    Continue from the next post.....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Continue from my previous post.....
    Now, my advice for you will be a two-way traffic. whichever direction you chooses, should be supported with your answers to the above personal questions.
    •I just hope you can do the permutations•

    *Solution One:

    Simply forgive him; see him as a blind man who needs you to lead the way. How?
    Be yourself and pretend to your feelings. Continue to be a good wife both to him and his family; don't stop the love song; spicy up your marriage; let him know that you married him for his personality; encourage him always; commends his goodwills; tell him why he is different from other men, tell him that in your next world, you will still want to be his wife; make a boast to him that you can forgive him about anything. Stop grieving, drop your worries and be his best friend. Have fun together - you can do all these if you want.

    If you are able to play out my script, bringing this woman into your home will not and can never be an option for him. You would've succeeded in leading him from dark to light. You will watch your blind husband regains his sight.

    The two likely results will be:

    A) Either your husband summons courage and brings you into his messy life, and ask for your forgiveness and way forward. Or

    B) He will go extra mile in keeping that woman (his babymama), out of your knowledge in order to remain in the sainthood where you've placed him.

    Whichever way it turns out, your reaction/s must be supported with the answers you provided above. Remember that your happiness is the key.
    NB: don't underestimate the power of prayer while you are acting out this script.


    *Solution Two:
    I just changed my mind; I don't have the nerves to post it here. Some people might be offended because of it nature. However, I can send to your email if you don't mind. Goodluck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well thought advise. I hope she can do this.she will be fine

      Delete
  7. If the poster decides to stay, she should make sure she gets the man to pay for fertility treatments.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous5/20/2015

    Sorry OP but don't you work or have any savings or family that can assist you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/23/2015

      I did the first ivf aug 2014,fully paid by my husband,d second one in feb dis year combined effort of my self nd my younger sis

      Delete
  9. Madam where are you leaving to? That is your home and sorry to burst your bubble, once you step out of your home sooner or later your husband would bring in the other woman.

    Pls follow adaeze's counsel, applying wisdom even when you speak. I honestly pray that your womb would bear fruits soon, you are not permitted to be without your fruits as long as you serve a living God.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous5/24/2015

    I feel so sad reading this. The things that women go through.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous5/26/2015

    mmmh, we women! God is our only help.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous5/26/2015

    mmmh , we women,in God we trust

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous5/28/2015

    Such a sad story, but you will eventually have to have that conversation with him because your heart will never be at peace until you know the truth. You are likely so anxious to have the answers right now it is eating you up inside. This is a huge betrayal that no woman wants to find herself in. Do not blame yourself, do not say it is because you could not bear children, you are not responsible for anybody else's character flaws and sins, so do no lay any blame at your feet. Believe it or not, not every couple is physically compatible to making children, some always make babies with disabilities, and others are not able to conceive, then they both go with other partners and conceive in no time. Nobody ever discuss this little truth.

    I cannot in good conscience tell you to remain in this marriage, because infidelity is a legitimate reason for divorcing; as a matter of fact, a partner who cheats has already spiritually divorced themself from the union. However, get your answers, and know the full truth first so you know what you are doing, also remember that as much as he deceived you in this, he may tell you one version of the truth and omit the full truth, so take whatever he tells you with a grain of salt, he could still lie to you in the end. If you are in a good job you at least know that economically you will be ok, if things are financially unstable for you, you may have to stick it out for a while and beef up your resources before you can make a move, if you choose to. If you are leaving, do so stealthily, do not make any big declaration, go the stealth approach, because he stuck with you for some reason that may be wrapped up in his ego, so do not do anything that would shake that...meek and mild, meek and mild.

    You have not spoken about any deep love, affection, or respect for your husband even prior to reading the text, so I do not know how you truly feel about him as a man and a husband. You did check his phone though, so I am thinking there was something about him, or a lack of trust there why you checked it when you noticed it was not locked, maybe deep down you knew something was off about him.

    I wish you all the best, and no matter what you decide remember you deserve to be happy in life, you deserve the best life possible, filled with utmost joy and peace. Do not ever sell yourself short in life, have courage, have faith and hold on to the staff of God.

    ReplyDelete

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