Should I Advise My Sister To Leave?

 My sister has been married for 9 years with 3 kids. Her husband lost his job about three years ago and she has been the one paying their bills. He is so  relaxed now that according to my sister he is no longer looking for a job.
 My sister is fed up and is always threatening to leave him. Recently they started fighting and even went physical. My sister came with her children to my home on friday  night with swollen eyes and cut in her lips. 


Yesterday morning her hubby came begging and in trying to settle them I discovered they were fighting over fuel. The husband spent all the fuel watching television during the
day,my sister came back from work and that night there was no fuel to power the gen and she refused to buy any and made a comment about adults wasting their lives watching tv while others are working. 

I settled them and took my sister aside to tongue lash her for that comment and both of them went home together leaving the kids to spend the weekend with my family. But something happened this morning .I came upon the youngest child 3+ flogging the bed and repeating this I regret marrying you, you brought me nothing but bad luck, leave if you want to leave. Then she will lay on the bed and say lazy man that cannot provide for his family, if you don't kill me today shame on you and your family. I almost fainted.

 As if that was not enough, when we came back from church, after lunch I told the kids to pack their clothes and I will drop them in their house later in the day. But as I am typing this, my sister's first son 8yr old is with me in my room, he came to tell me that he and his siblings have decided that they want to stay in my house ''forever and ever'' that mummy and daddy are always angry and somebody cannot be happy in their house that I play with them and I got talking with him and he told me he is ,not going to marry' forever and ever' so that he will not be fighting. 

Aunty eya am crying while typing this. My sister made up her mind to divorce him last December but I couldn't hear of it. I told my parents and other siblings and we prevailed on her to stay and to assist her we share the school fees of the kids among us and my youngest brother paid their house rent for this year. But seeing the damage they are doing to their kids, should I advise her to leave, wait for the next time she raise the issue and encourage her to leave or what do I do? Thanks

Comments

  1. Jazmyn8/18/2013

    That man just succeeded in securing himself a meal ticket in your sis. Tell her to leave his lazy woman beating ass.

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    Replies
    1. This is sad really. Please I think your sister should leave that man before he baters her and renders her jobless just like him.

      Delete
    2. Well I'm not a fan of divorce but hitting her and d psychological impact on their chilldren??? Can't advice her 2 still be in that marriage o..at least stay apart for a while and sort yourselves out, also please when all this is done, please get a good christian counsellor 2 talk 2 ur kids, if not, the cycle will continue already hear what d eldest son is saying...
      Above all pray o, God bless.

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    3. This piece brought tears to my eyes. Biko as a man if u are not ready for marriage just sit back, gosh

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    4. jesus! this made me cry. :( . please whatever u decide to do, pray for them too.

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  2. Jess! I can imagine the damage this is doing to the kids mentality. Serz am dump founded.I don't think dat he not being able to secure a job is enuf reason for divorcing him bt the man too is not helping mata as he's now so relaxed abt it. If he had been home one day and slept wiout food den he would ve known how impt he needs to secure job. MONTH is just to kip d kids with u for time being, talk to them against dat nothion thjey already have abt marriage and family.

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  3. Anonymous8/18/2013

    You guys are paying rent and school fees for the good for nothing man? She should leave him then you continue sharing without including his feeding and flogging of your sister.

    Imagine, she lays on the bed while he flogs not minding the kids, what the hell is that? Let her use the next quarrel as an excuse to leave for her sanity.

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  4. Anonymous8/18/2013

    I wish I have a sister or family member like you that can house me till I get a good job, I would have ended this misery called marriage. Your sister is lucky. I will keep watching and praying for now.

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  5. This is a touching one. Probably the man's unemplyment is at the root of the family dysfunction. Divorce may not be the first option but separation may be called for. Have a family meeting with the husband, give the man some rules - like he has to get a job, promise to stop abusing his wife, be a better example for his kids, etc - and time to meet them. The wife and kids can stay with any of you till he meets the requirement. They also need counselling to learn to communicate better.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/18/2013

      I can't believe you just said that Myne wow! So she should stay and be flogged to death while her children watch abi?

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    2. Anonymous8/18/2013

      Anon 5:37- did u really read Myne's comment at all? Tip: Read.-> Understand. -> Comment.

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    3. Anonymous8/18/2013

      "Promise to stop abusing his wife" when did promises ever stop a wife beater from pounding his wife to a pulp?

      Delete
    4. "Like he has to get a job, promise to stop abusing his wife, be a better example for his kids, etc - and time to meet them."
      @ anon 5:37PM- the operative word here is, "and time to meet them"- meaning, they will not be together, yes?

      @ anon 6:24PM-Im guessing the whole essence of giving the man some rules and the stipulated time within which to meet them is to enable him evaluate his life and take proactive steps (in keeping to the laid down rules, he could be said to be taking proactive steps) to create a more stable environment for his family.
      It should also give him some time to miss life as he's come to know it for 9, albeit, tumultuous years- the fact that, regardless of the instability of the family and marriage, the certitude of having a sure partner to come home to was always there.
      In the absence of that, he would be forced to come to terms with his irresponsible ways, become truly repentant and, hopefully, turn a new leaf( which includes not beating her, getting some kind of job, etc).

      Delete
    5. Anonymous3/29/2014

      Haba!! Can't u guys even read her comment to the end before jumping to conclusions? She said separation may be an option.And she can stay with any of the siblings till he meets the requirements.. Ha.

      Delete
  6. Anonymous8/18/2013

    She beta leaves dt prison yard she calls marriage, i can endure nythn n evrythn in marriage except an abusive one. D rate @whc men beat deir wives to death is becomin alarmin. It tkes Godly men to handle n contain deir wives sucesses witout becomin jelos n violent. IMO , i ll leave d marriage, nt becos i can't foot d bill bt becos of my life. Gv her ur own bit of advice, i just pray its nt her corpse dey return one day. Olorun maje sha... Mrs. O

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  7. Anonymous8/18/2013

    What is she waiting for? another pregnancy?

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  8. Lucylicious8/18/2013

    I think she shud call both parents i.e her sis nd husband to order... Tell them that their incessant bickering is causing damage to the children and they had better resolve their disputes amicably or take it away 4rm d children. She shud 'shame' d husband(in a nt so condescending way)4 acting lazy nd hitting his wife(tell him also to man up nd resume his duties as d head of d hse by going job hunting) nd appeal to her sister to correct with nd in love.*first time here*

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  9. 28 year old mother of 48/18/2013

    Wow. What a touching story. My first concern now is her safety. Remember the young banker that was brutally murdered by her husband? Well she was in a similar situation. One day he might take d beating too far. Frustration and all.

    Maybe she should just leave. And whatever you are planning do, do it fast and 'codedly' so the guy doesn't snap. Please oh.

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  10. Anonymous8/18/2013

    If it was just the bickering I would have said try and get some help counseling etc pool resources to help him start a business or something but the beatings and the psychological welfare of the children did it for me. LEAVE as soon and fast as you can leave and do not turn back we do not want to hear stories of her being murdered by her jobless husband imagine the jobless fool is not looking for work, mismanaging the little resources they have and still has the audacity to raise his hand at her! Chei women have suffered all in the name of marriage!

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  11. Johnson8/18/2013

    It might look like the husband became relaxed (and lazy) after losing his job… I think he had always been lazy. There are several lazy wo/men currently working (especially in paid employment) and single ladies think they've seen a man that can take care of them. Ladies – please watch out for signs of stinginess & laziness in your man and begin to deal with it. The bible says that the lazy man does not roast what he took in hunting (Prov 12:27). Would you say a hunter is someone that is lazy?
    Poster - call a family meeting and narrate the issues, including the demonstrations from the kids. Like Romance Meets Life said, rules should given to both parties… hubby needs to go out and earn some money (even if it’s not a paid monthly job). Most importantly, he should stop the abuse. Your sister also needs to watch her utterances - she no like her face?… Let them know that the family will have no option but to save their daughter’s life if this intervention does not work.
    Both parties are better separated than live the current way they are doing… death/hell is waiting at the corner if positive progress is not made.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also support seperation for now.. They have to seperate for now and let d man try to get a job mayb when there is no one to provide him food he will be serious about the job..

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    2. Mrs Anon.3/29/2014

      I agree with Johnson. I know its annoying but clearly the wife has unleashed her nasty tongue on him. Perhaps he would never have beaten her but for her provocative words ... Who knows. Two of them should be called to order by someone they respect who can mediate, most especially for the damage they are doing to their kids. Separation for a while may be necessary let the man get off his ass and find something to do. The kids should be spoken to and the wrong impression corrected. So sad.

      Delete
  12. Hmmmm my fellow woman don suffer, choi!

    Abeg even though I detest divorce, the woman should pack out! Separation is d solution! As long as d man eats, see fuel watch ball he will nt look for job o! Yes! Some men are like that!

    Since u guys are already taking care of rent and fees,hmm not like d man is a good example to the kids anyway! There's no how the woman can control her tongue, unless una want make she high B P! The man too will not stop beating her, bcos is jobless/penniless man is a frustrated man!

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  13. Hmmm...I've been weepy all day and this story nearly set me off again :-(

    Sorry to say this poster, but u and ur folks have enabled this man by paying his rent and kids' school fees. I know u are doing it for ur sis and it's hard to stand by and watch her suffer.

    Like others hv said, a separation is needful, for the safety of ur sis and emotional well-being of the kids.

    I understand that setbacks can and do happen, but there's absolutely no excuse for an able-bodied man to laze about while his wife caters for the family. SMH!

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  14. chioma duru8/18/2013

    pls let her nt divorce, but seperate, pray hard, seek counsel. Report to their family people.

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  15. Redpearl8/18/2013

    Reading this piece brought tears to my eyes. Please tell your sister to leave before that wimp does further damage to her life and the life of those innocent kids. Am not an advocate of divorce but its better she stays alive and take care of the kids God have bless her with.

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  16. Anonymous8/18/2013

    Everybody is saying "leave" for d first time in a long time am seeing d WC family speak with one voice.
    Dear poster, dey can't all be wrong!
    I know men like ur sister's hubby and he won't change until his wife takes a very drastic step. As a mother ur sister's first concern should be her kids, let her leave d man to sort himself out and change his ways.
    Na person wey dey alive dey marry oooooo

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  17. Anonymous8/18/2013

    Everybody is saying "leave" for d first time in a long time am seeing d WC family speak with one voice.
    Dear poster, dey can't all be wrong!
    I know men like ur sister's hubby and he won't change until his wife takes a very drastic step. As a mother ur sister's first concern should be her kids, let her leave d man to sort himself out and change his ways.
    Na person wey dey alive dey marry oooooo

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous8/19/2013

    @ poster, let ur sister leave d man for a while,when there's no one to foot his bills,he'll man-up to his responsibilities.

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  19. Anonymous8/19/2013

    wow! for the first time there is unity. I beg she she run as fast as she can from the man and focus on having a better life for her kids and her self.

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  20. POSTER8/19/2013

    Thanks everyone, after sending in this post, my hubby and I decided that the kids will spend the remaining few weeks of their holidays with us. He went to my sister's house and came back very late. He told me he had a long talk with my bil and told him to think of any biz he will like to start and we will see what we can do about it. I have told my sister to come over on saturday, she has not gone for leave this year, I intend telling her to apply for her leave then travel to our parents' place to take a break from it all while bil is arranging himself, their kids can stay with us for that period. Thanks God bless you all.

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    Replies
    1. Johnson8/19/2013

      Well done, and thanks, to you and your hubby. it will be interesting to see what your brother in-law will come up with... Laziness is mostly in the brain - I can tell you this man will not have any clue! Until your brother in-law becomes restless and realise the need for change, he cannot be helped.

      Delete
  21. Anonymous8/19/2013

    Perfect poster, you have it all! God bless you real good for being a blessing to ur sister... And you have a wonderful man for a husband. For being so concerned... Most men will care less.. You are a blessed woman and I envy you..

    Patsy

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  22. Anonymous8/19/2013

    Wow! Well,I left secondary skl in 1998 but my dad was retrenched from his place of work in 1995.It was my mum who tuk care of us.Though my dad did d little he can do for d first siblings but it was my mum dat sponsored d remaining siblings thru their university education.One of dem recently finished from Uni of Ilorin.Even up 2d extent of keeping d home,buyin food stuff also.Though my dad didn't really appreciate but he neva laid hand on my mum.We children told him 2look 4sumtin doing,but he will decline saying he's too old.This made me conclude dat even if my husband be dangote,I must work bcos I saw d importance of working on my mum side.D problem is dat women shld not make men too comfortable wen dey r out of job bcos it will later tell on dem.They will just b doing it innocently only 4dem to realize d nos of yrs dat has gone and by dat time,its already 2late! May God help dis family- Amen

    ADEYANJU

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  23. Dear poster, please don't hesitate to show your sister this post and the comments. She will learn greatly from them. Lazy ass men everywhere looking for scape goats. KMFT!

    ReplyDelete

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