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I Was Raped, Should I Tell My Son?

Hello Aunty Eya, happy weekend to you and wc readers. I bumped into your new blog this morning, read the child rape post and am a bit worried about what we have kept from my son for the past 12 years. I was raped about 13 years ago, discovered the pregnancy when
I was almost five months gone. Although I wasn't ready at the time but I can tell you my boy is the best thing that ever  happened to me.

Very soon he'd be a teenager and I don't know if it's right to tell him he was conceived out of raped. 
He's named after my Dad, has my surname, and we told him his Father died. Should I tell him the truth or just let things be? 

Comments

  1. Anonymous7/28/2013

    I think you should tell him cos soon he'll be asking after his paternal uncles and aunties,or will want to see his daddy's picture. You could delay though,and tell him when he is older ,say 18.

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  2. Anonymous7/28/2013

    This is hard o. Lemmi sit back n see oda pples advice. Sis Ada whr r u??

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  3. Anonymous7/28/2013

    the teenage yrs are very turbulent tym. I wld advise u 2 wait until his an adult. He myt nt b able 2 cope wit dis news @ dis tym of his lyf. It is well! Miss peony.

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  4. Anonymous7/28/2013

    please do not tell him. it will damage him. Go with the original story. Some secret are best kept secret. Telling him, you don't know anything about his dad, you don't even know his family members, it was just a fling.

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  5. This might not be the popular opinion but really, if you're sure he can't hear it from anyone else, maybe you shouldn't bother and just keep it from him.. I'm trying to imagine how bad he would feel cause even at this age, I can't imagine hearing this about myself.

    However, its ultimately your decision to make so if you feel like doing otherwise, I'd advise that you don't tell him now... Wait till he's older and more mature because he probably wouldn't understand at this age and the last thing you want is for him to start acting out.

    All the very best

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  6. Anonymous7/28/2013

    Hmmm,I don't think you should yet cus a teenager will feel bad knowing he's lived all his life with a lie. I think somethings are better left unsaid because rape is one stigma nobody wants to be attached with talk less of being a product of one. Enjoy the good times you having, don't spoil it with the issue of his paternity. Maybe when he is an adult, yourself and your parents can break the news to him. Telling him can damage his self esteem. Amaka

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  7. Johnson7/28/2013

    Ultimately he has to know... the question is when? You'll be the best judge of that. What will (could) I do if in your shoes? Probably I will look for a good movie that tells a similar story - does not have to be a movie on rape... but a movie that has to do with keeping secrets, from a child, with very good intentions out of love. I'll watch the movie with my child and start up discussion to get his opinion and share my views... After this, God will give you the right utterance at the appropriate time. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 12years is too young to know... let him get to adulthood... probably when he's through with his first degree.

      Delete
  8. If I were your son, I'd not want to know, ever!
    It will not make me feel good or better about life or myself. It'd only make me build lots of hatred in my heart and feel that I'm a mistake, brought into the world through a devilish act.

    I think it's best you forge a story for him. Just try and gist him of a story you heard of a woman that was raped and had a daughter and didn't tell the girl, but lied instead.

    Try and listen to his reaction to this your forged story. What does he think the woman should have done to handle the situation better?

    This should guide you on what to do with his situation. To tell or not to tell. If to tell; when to tell.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous7/28/2013

    Pls let him be an adult before telling him if you have to. I was told d one i call sister was my mum when i was 10 and i was conceived from a rape. It scattered my life and i m yet to fully get it right. Maybe i would have handled it better had i been older. I cant say, but i suppose so. I probably would have remained my happy self otherwise. So IMO, let him be older if u must tell him.

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  10. Anonymous7/28/2013

    If u are sure no other person will tell him bout it, dnt tell him cos I dnt if you will still have ur good boy after! He is a teenager now! But if and only if u knw he might hear form another source pls tell him carefully! You could talk bout rape and gradually let him in on what happened to u! All the best and God bless yah. Eniee

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  11. Anonymous7/28/2013

    Ur story reminds me soo much of one of my favorite novels, the atonement child by Francine Rivers. Its a must read if you love good books. I sha advice like others have told you to keep it to urself for now cos he may not be able to take it and may start acting out. In all, may God see u tru all the struggles u have to endure. God bless u real good.

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  12. Anonymous7/28/2013

    Ur story reminds me soo much of one of my favorite novels, the atonement child by Francine Rivers. Its a must read if you love good books. I sha advice like others have told you to keep it to urself for now cos he may not be able to take it and may start acting out. In all, may God see u tru all the struggles u have to endure. God bless u real good.

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  13. Anonymous7/28/2013

    Probably. Researchers estimate that approximately 12,000 children are born as the result of rape every year, and the majority of them are raised by birth mothers. The few scholars who have addressed the question of how to parent these children suggest that honesty is usually the best choice. Concealing the facts of the child’s conception requires an elaborate lie. Many children eventually discover the truth, often when a family member refuses to participate in the fabrication. When the facts come out, the child usually expresses frustration or rage at the mother. In contrast, children who learn about the circumstances of their conception at an earlier age often struggle psychologically, but eventually report that they prefer knowing to not knowing. A child who has just begun to ask about his origins is probably too young to be told that his father was a rapist. The best response a mother can give at that time is to simply say that she didn’t know the father very well. (Unless she was the victim of acquaintance rape or incest, which can complicate matters further.) Mothers often use what psychologists call a “soft truth,” saying that the father wanted to be with her more than she wanted to be with the father. When the child gets slightly older, some mothers decide to explain in vague terms that the father committed some act of violence against her. These disclosures begin to prepare the child to hear the truth, once he’s old enough to understand it. Most mothers wait until the child is about 12 or 13 before fully disclosing the rape. Children at this point become curious about the full details of the incident, and mothers typically feel that the only option is to answer those questions honestly. People involved in these cases say the most important thing is to avoid painting the father as a monster: Even small children worry that they might share some of a rapist father’s traits.

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  14. pls rape by who? If by a stranger, an armed robber, or a family member, I'd say keep it ur self and dnt ever tell him ever. If it's me, like Jay said, I wnt ever want to know. I'll even hate you for telling me.

    But if it's any other person, maybe like a boyfriend, or a friend or colleague or something, I'll say tell him when he is old enough to handle it...if he really cares to know. If not, keep it to urself...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please, what should she say to the child when he ask after his father? This child will continue to see his friends and their dad and he will ask questions. How do you determine if he would ever find out through other mean? This is definitely not a good situation to be in!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous7/29/2013

      This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    3. @Anon 6:59am - but why???

      Delete
    4. As in really? Anon, but why? It is really getting sickening. Such bitterness being expressed under the cloak of anonymity. You're being watched in 3D oh. Get a life, please. It will be good with you.

      Delete
    5. Thumbs up to the blog administrator who deleted such selective hate attack.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous7/29/2013

      Yawns and farts on Ahdaisy

      Delete
  15. Anonymous7/28/2013

    A man is always a man.if his peers bother him about his father he might likely get answers outside.the real question is from whom do you want him to know?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Queen Bee7/28/2013

    This is pathetic,cant even imagine it!
    Dat is y pple are advised to go to hospital for checkups and womb flushing immediately after any rape issue to avoid this kind of complications.
    How can u possibly tell a child that his father raped u and u most probably don't even know him?its crazy!better not to be born than to hear dis kind of talk'
    Pls madam just let it be@d old story.

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  17. Anonymous7/29/2013

    My dear, when a Father figure misses in a boy's life, chances are that he would become "a mummy's boy". Pls, now that he is 12 or so, kindly look for a male figure(someone u trust,like a brother, an Uncle, friend or even ur dad) who would indirectly act like a Dad to the boy, here is someone he would freely confide in and gist with, and he would groom him into a man(trust me, men are better at this)when he's matured enough, u will then tell him in the presence of that "father figure" he'd handle it maturedly, trust me.

    Pls consider this, u'd be glad u did in the future.

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  18. Anonymous7/29/2013

    It is still too early to tell him. You already have your work cut out for you s teenage boys are a handful. Dont add this to it. Not now. He will not understand. When he is old enough say in his late 20's he will be much able yo deal with this news. You can tell him you really didnt know his dad well. And he died before yoh could. God luck dear.

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  19. I think I buy ur idea @ annon 6.35am

    ReplyDelete

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