Should I Ignore And Just Be The Quiet Wife He Wants?

Hi Aunt Eya, 
How is everything. Well there is this issue that has been disturbing me for a while.


I just went through hubby's phone and I realized that every little argument

we have he goes on to tellother people. I'm just a bit sad to see this because I am someone who keeps my private matters to myself. I don't even divulge them to my patents because I believe that if you only share the bad sides of your spouse to someone, they will get a biased view of the person and as such they might not advice you.

Now my husband runs his mouth about me to almost all his friends and family. I just saw a chat with one of his sitters and the thugs he told her about me I was even amazed. 
The surprising thing is that he gets angry when I tell my parents general things about how we are faring.
I really don't know how to go about this because he hates me correcting him, he's even told people that I act like I know everything.


I would have ignored this whole issue and I saw that his sister was helping him get back in touch with his ex-girlfriend of many years ago. I think he has painted such a bad picture of me to her that she doesn't even care if she hurts my feelings or not.


I know I have my flaws, ( I studied my husband and noticed that he doesn't like an outspoken wife, he doesn't even like listening to my opinion) so I'm trying to be quiet about things at home.

How do I tackle this issue of him spreading our issues at home without him getting annoyed? Also is it normal for guys to be open like that? Cos the guys I dated did not really like sharing personal issues with their friends much more their sisters! Please I need advice on how to tackle this issue. Should I ignore it and just be the quiet wife he wants me to be? 
Aunt Eya please post me as completely anonymous, don't use my pseudonym and also please do not link my previous posts.
Thank you very much.

Comments

  1. Anonymous6/24/2013

    No wonder u ve not been commenting as usual.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ashawo6/24/2013

      I hope its not who I think it is.the Lord is ur strenght

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/24/2013

      Yes,i no who!

      Delete
    3. Anonymous6/24/2013

      she is 1 of d epistle writers.

      Delete
  2. Be the quiet wife he wants you to be...

    Many women are so oblivious about how and when they push their men outside. You must be grateful he hasn't been divulging all ur flaws and wahala to young girls that'll treat him real good.

    Even if you tried to paint ur self as good. You accepted your flaw(s) and ur need to change, plz work on that.

    Do you know the reason you don't share family issues with outsiders or parent is because you are actually the one frustrating him, if it was the other way round... Wow! You will be singing his name to the high heavens. NOTE: There's no one who experiences real time family frustration that don't wanna talk about it to at least some1.

    You are comfortable, make him comfortable with your way's.

    Nuff'Said!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/24/2013

      Ace this ur comment smacks of ignorance and immaturity! Ah ah. How do you know the poster has been d one frustrating the husband? Just because she has not being telling anybody outside? Please its not necessary to comment on every post if what u r saying is not constructive/helpful! And I used to hold u in high esteem o. Abeg take several seats!"All her flaws and wahala indeed"! U know her? Or are u d husband?

      Delete
    2. @Anon, I feel you. Ace's comments lately reeks of chauvunism. The way he blames women for any problem in their marriage is ridiculous. Ace, I used to like your comments but lately they've been shallow.

      Delete
    3. Jazmyn6/25/2013

      Shallow because he didn't praise women?
      @Nekky and Anon, are you guys feminists?

      Delete
    4. Anonymous6/25/2013

      Ace if u don't ve anything to say pls keep quite. Get married and stay married for yrs and then cme bck to give advice.
      Wat king of advice is this?
      U r just a little boy.

      Delete
  3. What an unfortunate situation! This is a tough one.

    One question:
    - was he like this during courtship?

    In my opinion a man who doesn't want his wife to have an opinion is being domineering, and if you decide to keep quiet for the sake of peace, one day you will not be able to contain it anymore and you'll explode (like a pressure cooker). It's just not natural!

    Find a way to put your concerns across in a calm and reasonable way and do so consistently and prayerfully. Hopefully he'll come around with time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. He probably feels that whenever he has a misunderstanding with you, you do not give him the opportunity to speak, you do not listen to him; even if you hear, you don't listen and you keep acting like a 'Know it all'.

    If that's so, he is sharing the problems with others, probably because he wants to tell someone his side of the story and tell him he wasn't wrong in whatever was the issue between you both.

    Even if you are always right, let's assume, you have to learn 'talking/communication skills'. If you work 'well' in a team, you'll know that no matter the crap your team mate says, always commend them and intelligently raise a question as regards the crap they said, in a manner that you aren't saying they are wrong, but respectfully trying to make them know you respect their opinion and would love for them to see what you think about it, which may be different from the way they saw things.

    Work on yourself. Work on your flaws. You are probably driving him to talk to other people. Work on yourself, so that he will feel more comfortable arguing with you and leaving it there. But if you keep doing 'Know it all', even for him, at least do it respectfully.

    You should seat him down, not as a 'Know it all, that feels matters should be private' oh, but as one who's concerned as to why he'll rather discuss these affairs with 3rd parties rather than leave the issues between you both. Listen to what he has to say.

    And please, try to stop with the assumptions about him probably painting u bad to his sister and she probably not bothered about hurting you. Go and get your hubby's attention back and leave his sister alone. You probably pushed him to open up to her that much. Perhaps, maybe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/24/2013

      Madam Jay no be assumption na. Abi u no see where she say she read their chat? Hmmmmmm all these epistle writers I hope u guys are this good really o. Its good that u are advising one of ur fellow epistle writers! She need am. This goes to show that not all that is painted as gold is gold!

      Delete
    2. Hello Madam Anon, there was a part she used the words 'I think he has' -> Assumption #imo.
      Also, that someone is an epistle writer, doesn't mean that the person is 'good really' (whatever that means sef, I dunno) or that the person's life is perfect or that the person wouldn't seek opinion of others when it's needed. It just goes on to say that the person is humble enough not to be a 'Know it all'. So, cool down for Jesus. No one ever said people were 'god' or 'gold' for being long writers. Okay? Yeah, point driven.

      PS: Don't get it twisted...

      Delete
  5. Anonymous6/24/2013

    And Ace the wisdom of ages has said it all.what a joke!!!how can u ,evaluate the situation and just assume she's the one making him uncomfortable?? some pple actually prefer to keep their private lives PRIVATE and rlly talk to noone about it.madam,like virtuosity said was he like this during courtship???? U said smn about studying ur husband and realizing he wants a quiet woman,is it after marriage u started studying him??? Cus if he was always like this I sincerely don't know what ure complaining about now,this is how women put themselves in trouble oo .and if he wasn't then the problem lies btw U and ur hubby,noone's asking u to assume the siddon-look-I'm-now-a-dummy position but if u know u rlly act like a know-it-all then u need to evaluate urself and change before u get thrown out of ur matrimonial home.that being said,I don't see how broadcasting ur flaws to the whole world and their mother is the right thing for any mature-God fearing man to do..A man is supposed to be a covering for his wife..opening up on all ur flaws and then hooking up wiv an ex isn't a covering... U both are to blame for ur situation,and if he automatically attacks u when u try to correct him,then u as his wife should start learning loving ways to get ur message across to him and u better start praying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/24/2013

      Abeg help me tell Ace o. He just annoy my spirit this night!

      Delete
  6. Dear Lady, you both have communication issues; this is one of the causes of relationship problems. Man is speaking Hausa, the woman is speaking Igbo; so no communication has taken place.

    Please try to pretend you don't know somethings when he's talking to you. I do that a lot! I may know stuffs better than the one talking to me but I'll still let the person talk just to avoid unnecessary tension and problem.

    Also when he's talking, please let him talk without interruptions as doing so kills the communication spirit. When he's done talking, then do yours calmly. If you want to interrupt, please do it politely.

    You may think it won't be easy doing this but I tell you it is! All you need is self control. When that urge to interrupt comes, remind yourself to stop.

    I feel verbal communication isn't the only medium of communication; try writing notes, sending mails/sms just to pass your thought across.

    You could try waking him up in the night one day to express your thoughts to him. I advise you do it in the weekends.

    Please study his moods so as to know when to engage him in serious talk that won't degenerate to unnecessary arguments and also know the kind of things you'll say to him.

    Doing a mind analysis to know the kind of things to say to him(and others too) will go a long way in fostering your relationship.

    Remember the place of prayers too. I wish you well!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous6/24/2013

    Dnt be quiet abt it, marraige is a two way thing. You either die in pretense by trying to please your spouse, or you discuss the issue and get it settled, and you both live happy.
    Don't trade your happiness girl, discuss the issue now, and get it resolve.

    Patsy

    ReplyDelete
  8. Johnson6/24/2013

    You are gradually pushing hubby outside and there are wolves in mini skirt waiting to devour. God has opened your eyes to see how your hubby sees you and what will happen. @Poster – mend your ways… be submissive to your husband and do more of those things that will make him comfortable with you. He will sing your praises when you have truly changed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous6/24/2013

    *silence is golden*
    nobody likes ITK.
    u supported 100% transparency, u c d backlash?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous6/24/2013

    sister,
    ahdaisy,
    jayne,
    jay,
    r all MIA,
    my detective radar is telling me they r likely d same 2 pence & dime? *Sherlock Homes in da house*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/24/2013

      Anons@9.34pm & 9.37pm give it a rest already! Leave these pple alone o. No be only Sherlock Holmes na Corporal Okon!

      Delete
  11. Anonymous6/24/2013

    lolzzzzzzzzzzz

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous6/24/2013

    jay is here, strike one.
    *Sherlock Homes in da house aka coporal okon*
    anonymous 11:34 try 2 loosen up a little. muah!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous6/25/2013

    Hi guys thank you all for your input. For the arguments I let my husband talk, but he doesn't want to understand anything I say. It is his way or nothing. I didn't notice this about him in courtship because he was very quiet, calm and tolerating of me. All of a sudden after we got married, he doesn't even involve me in decision making. Just his family and friends. He only tells me after a decision has been made. I complained about this and I saw he had told his sister that I want to know everything.
    There are so many issues but my own problem is the way he paints me bad to his people.
    Even he discusses our sex life with his family and friends. I saw all this on his Skype account. I want him to stop that but I don't want him to think I'm complaining

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/25/2013

      i am missing something here.
      y wud a husband whom u r 100% transparent wt b painting u black 2 is fam?
      i just don't get it, he makes decision b4 telling u, wt all ur honesty & love?
      there is no smoke wtout fire.
      i wish we cud hear d man's side of d story & no where 2 hit.
      4 now, learn 2 kip quiet,& go on ur knees 2 pray as u tell others to do.

      Delete
    2. Johnson6/25/2013

      @Poster. What u saw on Skype, etc is an eye opener for you - God is revealing all this to you for a purpose ... at least there are no infidelity issues here. If he talks about your sex life - then you are guilty as charged. Make you up your game & do the man well...
      Carryout the necessary adjustments and ask for hubby's opinion on those areas he's complaining about. Do the listening (not talking) and give him some form of assurance that you would make him a good wife – kneel before him and ask him to pray for you. After some thing, he will reverse his song about you. Good luck!

      Delete
    3. Poster, I'd advice you talk with him, not necessarily complain. Talk to him like someone that is being victimised. It's somehow if he gets angry when you open up to your parents about general stuffs but talks to his own family and friends about private stuffs. The 'no talking' rule is one way?? Just talk to him calmly on a good day. Try and choose your words carefully. Let is just be a 'having a conversation' kinda thing.
      The 'You want to know everything' statement is really a huge statement. Just talk to him sha, about your worries about this. Ask him in short if he wants you to 'not know everything' anymore. Communication is what you really need here. Communication (two-way, not one-way). You talk and let him talk too on these things. Then, of course, pray. I'm guessing you are one of those that find it hard to do 'confrontations'. The best way to do a confrontation is in your choice of words. They matter a lot. They have a whole lot of power. Choose the right time, mood and words. Good luck!

      Delete

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