Advice Please: Should I be Worried?


Dear Eya,
I am an avid reader of your blog, I love this family! I need your advice and the advice of pple in the house ASAP.
Before I got married, some months ago, there is this friend of my husband, a female, they are very close. 

Always chatting and calling and exchanging texts. I never read anything into it until some weeks to our wedding I saw some text messages I wasn't comfortable with.... With stuffs like " missing u right now" love you" dear" sweetie" i saw it quite mistakenly wen I was searching for something else o, I do not snoop! Besides I see him like a very good guy, God fearing and all. I brought it to his notice, he said if i am nt comfortable he will  stop talking to her in such deep terms, he apologized. 

Again, during our honeymoon when all his attention should have been on me, he was constantly calling this same girl, in fact she complained about something and my husband was so worried all through that day, he kept on discussing her plight with me and ways he could help it bothered him so much it spoilt my whole day.
There was this time she followed him somewhere and they came to pick me up he said I didn't greet her well!
They still talk almost everyday on fone, I try not to let it bother me until two weeks ago I saw some messages again!!!! He calls her his love, she calls him her love, they talk about "their song" .

 I feel they have a bond. Like She is the third person in my marriage. She is always there. Should I be worried? Please Men in the house, what is your honest opinions?

Eya dear, pls withold  my email add and identity. God bless you.

Comments

  1. To those who say a man cannot be in love with two women, what then is happening to this new husband??
    Let's be realistic about life please:(

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    Replies
    1. Pls what do you define as love? So the torture he is putting this woman through is love?

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Poster POSSESS UR POSSESSION!!!!! Call the bitch and warn her seriously .....threaten to go spiritual. Send boys to beat her up, fuck her up at work.....what rubbish kit *spits*

      Delete
  2. Be very worried o... In fact, transfer the worry to him. What's that? Mscheeuw...I am already pissed sef.

    Sorry for the outburst but men why? Why? Women too, why? Why will a woman have that kind of bond with someone else's husband? And why will a married man keep such relationship? Especially since the wife is not OK with it.

    My dear, confront him. Dnt walk around on egg shells cos you dnt want to hurt him. Like you said, she is the third person in your marriage. Ask him to define exactly what it is they have and ask how he will feel if you were that way with another man.

    Dnt take anything for granted or else one night someone will tell you to shift for her on your matrimonial bed. Special song ko!

    Attack the situation both spiritually and physically. He is cheating you, and cheating on you. Even if it's only emotional, not physical (which will be a surprise) .

    For now, tell him you dnt trust his actions anymore. Cos that relationship is not normal at all. If the lady cannot respect you, one day, you'll come home and she'll open the door for you and ask who you are looking for. Then she will serve you biscuit and fanta while you wait for HER husband.

    I pray God grants you the strength and wisdom to tackle the situation. I really feel for you.

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    Replies
    1. SHALOM5/23/2013

      I seriously concur oh.... my husband always tells me that a married man is never suppose to have any kind of relationship whatsoever with a woman and vice versa except on professional ground. its very obvious your husband feels something for the other lady and don't want to hurt her feelings.

      Be it an ex lover or whatsoever, my dear do something about it. be concerned because men sometimes act like babies, he may not even see anything wrong in his actions.

      so please poster,like the saying goes "desperate times calls for desperate measure" talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, let him know you trust him but not the other lady in your lives. more importantly, talk to God about it. your marriage is just to fresh and young to have third party issues.

      i wish you all the best.
      One luv

      Delete
    2. @ Ahdaisy I totally agree they'll tell her to shift commot 4 bed very soon. Haba wich kind yeye closeness b dat. All d attention u d wife shld be getting some woman lady friend is getting. If na me I no go gree @ all.
      Poster u have every right to be worried X 100 sef. Another woman calling mt man 'love' and they have a special song too. I'm really vexed up jare. Do something very faster b4 she fully crawls into ur home o.

      Delete
    3. Ada you took the words from me. She should be worried.

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    4. Ada you took the words from me. She should be worried.

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    5. Gbam!! It can't get gbammer than this.

      Delete
  3. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Dear poster, I'm going to repond to this based on my personal experiience. If two people are really into each other but couldn't get married due to some reasons. That bond will still be there unless both parties decide to really let go completely. I have the same attachment with my ex and we speak almost everyday and my hubby knows abiut him. We both know our limit that we can't sleep with each other (that's something we discussed). I guess that's why we're still close cos we have defined our boundaries. Ur hubby might not be seeing his ex, but if u are still worried please speak with him about it.

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    Replies
    1. Duchess5/23/2013

      Haaa, na so cheating dey take start o. I'm sure you don't want to know the kinda emotional trauma your hubby is going thru cos of this rship with ur ex. Where is your thinking faculty madam anon? Rme.

      Poster biko you ve every reason to be worried oo. God no go gree make dem collect sleep from ur eyes sha! Your hubby needs to cut all ties with the other woman abeg, i don't care what brought them together but, one thing is for sure, you are sharing your hubby already!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Sorry to burst ur bubbles madam duchess. We aint cheating and we don't intend to. Has it ever occured to u that in certain tribes it's an abomination to sleep with a woman whose bride price has been paid? Perhaps u should put on ur thinking cap and stop this rubbish insinuation!!!

      Delete
    3. Anonymous5/23/2013

      i can totally relate. i'm in the same situation right now. i can't marry my ex( i will call him that) but we are still best of friends. he wanted us to start a business together while we were dating but somehow it didn't kick off. he's got a girl he wants to marry now but he said no matter what,that i will always have a spot in his heart and that even when we are old, he still wants us to be friends.

      Recently, he told me that i slacked the business we were supposed to start together and i was like it's even better we didn't start it cos his wife will certainly not like the idea of doing biz with ex and dude was like which wife? that his wife cannot tell him who to do business with and bla bla bla. well, i've taken the proactive step of not having sex with him anymore and reduced calls. he's ok with the no sex but gets upset whenever i don't pick his call or don't call him. The dude is so into me cos we flow very well and he said just cos we didn't end up together doesn't mean we should not remain friends.
      So yes exs can be friends without having sex. it's all about maturity, fear of God and understanding. I will definitely introduce him to my hubby and hopefully my future family and his will become family friends.

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    4. Dayo's mum5/23/2013

      @ Anon still in touch with her ex, u r lookin for trouble with ur two bare hands.
      Ex's are ex's for a reason.there is no such thing as "my ex and I are still very good friends.." Som feelings will always crawl back in btwn u two. U musnt sleep wit each other before its called cheating, having thoes feelings alone u are cheating on ur husband already.
      U think ur hubby doesn't mind? Trust me,he is paying u back another way. Karma definitely will.

      Delete
    5. michi girl5/23/2013

      Madam anon its not only wen 2 pple tk off their clothes n lie dwn on d bed it is called cheatin.u r cheatin n ur husband is quiet for peace sake or hes also cheatin.

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    6. Cyndrella5/23/2013

      madam,anon 3:07 please if u are the one she is refering to kindly give the man a break as the woman may not be able to understand the relationship btw u two.

      i no things like this happens but please free the guy and let him understand why u dey free am .Am sure if its vise -versa u would not take it.

      please and please free the guy,it happened to me sometimes in my early days in my marriage but i just let go to avoid intruding into other ppl's space.

      Delete
    7. Duchess5/23/2013

      @Cyndrella, u have a point o. This anon could be the poster's pain in the butt and we are all here blowing grammar.
      @anon,You berra leave another woman's hubby and go find/make urs your best friend! Best friend ko, friends with benefit ni...

      Delete
    8. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Duches and Cyndrella, u too are sick!!!! i'm laughing here seriously. why would you think i'm the third woman in her marriage and what makes u think i know the poster or her hubby? when did Aunty Eya start letting us know the identity of posters? like i said ladies, put on ur thinking caps and let ur brains work faster than ur mouth and key pad!

      Anonymous 3:07

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    9. Anonymous5/23/2013

      @anon ...u wl surely get married someday n ur hub ex wl @do same t u. Only then wl u know how painful n heart breaking it is. Pple lyk u disgust me.mtwwww

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    10. Pls, flee from every appearance of evil. If you ever had sex or were intimate with ur ex, there is already a bond that only time and space can break. All this 'we keep in touch everyday' is very suspicious. Tell urselves the truth. The way you guys even described ur exes, I can literally read out the love there.... It is not good, HOHAa... Nothing like maturity for this one.

      Maturity is supposed to make you guys understand that this kind of relationship is unacceptable and you shud cut all ties and move forward. Maturity should make you understand that there are about 7 billion other people in the world. You will not die if you cut all ties with ur ex for good. THAT is maturity... Not all this one you guys are justifying here...

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    11. The misunderstanding from the two experiences described is that you both dont understand that you are still emotional attached to your exes. And itself is a form infidelity. For us women, sex aint everything. INfact that emotional connection is EVERYTHING. So if instead of being emotional attached to your husbands or current BF, U share the bond with another man - That is infidelity. And what it takes to have sex with these men is just a finger snap like cosy environment, teary story with shoulders comfort etc.

      Delete
    12. Anonymous5/24/2013

      Thanx cyndrella. U're on point. If she was to be in the woman's shoe will she take it.Can you imagine the man referring to the wife as which woman.

      Delete
    13. Anonymous5/24/2013

      i mean if she were to be

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    14. Mrs Anon4/08/2014

      @ Anon 3.07 You ain't cheating? Ur Maybe not having sex but pls and pls, as long as ur giving the emotional intimacy, time, attention you shd give to ur hubby to anoda man my dear u are cheating him. u speak almost everyday...about what? Reading ur post may I ask why you have refused to "really let go" in your words? Would you truly be comfortable if ur hubby was doing same to you? having the same type of 'attachment' you're having with his own ex and calling her everyday??...Pls think about it and reconsider...
      @Anon 4.21 If hes got someone to marry why don't u give them some space? Don't u think the lady deserves it.. you said u took the proactive step and stopped having sex with him, it means if u hadn't stopped it by now u guys would still be doing it while the "wife" is in the dark... So ur stopping hasn't changed anything in terms of the attraction and emotional connection between u. He even disrespects her before you already, by making it clear that her opinion doesn't count as to who he does biz with etc...In short she's the 2nd fiddle from ur story. Have u ever tried to imagine how hurt u would be if u were in her shoes and she were in urs? It is a very painful feeling which u may not understand because u are the one enjoying the attention. AS Luchi put it aptly, we women are much more about the emotional connection and once that is missing in a marriage it's like the woman is in misery. Why would you deprive a woman like you of this most important need and feel it's ok? Won't you like to be the only one to occupy your husband's heart when u marry... or will u like another woman to occupy his heart and affection while u answer Mrs for nothing? You agreed that he's so into you. Where does that leave his wife pls?. If you cut him off then he will be able to focus on his marriage. As long as you make yourself available emotionally it will never stop and it's only a matter of time it spells doom for his marriage. Im not judging you guys but think about this in your quiet moments... Don't let another person weep because of you, God hears the cries. God bless u both.

      Delete
  4. kendra5/23/2013

    you should be more than worried... The mistake u made first was not getting to the bottom of it from the beginning,you should have asked him during your relationship days why he didnt marry her? cos with that,you would have a better understanding,and if it was cos of family issues or health issues,then u would have worked away cos if they didnt really break up cos of irreconcialible difference,then it would be hard for them to stay apart and some women dont know when to stop....


    so pls,talk to ur man,he has to choose between the both of u,if he still wants her,biko,find ur exit way and dont be there 3rd wheel cos thats what u are... if he values ur marriage,let him stay away from her plus follow her with prayers o,serious one. let God break every bond and connection they share together..

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  5. Hmm. After reading this, I felt like it was the other way round. Like you are the third person in their 'whatever' it is they have. Which is absolute rubbish!

    I kind of understand your plight. But I think you, your husband and the lady are all to blame. Yes, I think and know so. When you were dating, you knew they were close. Probably 'besties'. What did you do about it then? Did you just fold your arms and keep quiet and expect it to stop when you got married?

    I blame your hubby because it's common sense. When you have a special woman, your wife, you are to drop all unnecessary attachments that will seem like 'cheating', mostly with supposedly female 'besties'. Those ones are serious problems. Extremely close female besties and a wife on the other hand don't go hand in hand at all! There has to be a form of space. But here, there is non. She probably never gave you guys space while you guys were dating, you kept quiet. Now see what is happening?

    As for the lady, I'm so sure she's single. Some female 'besties' are like this; it pains them so much when their close male bestie has found a woman. They wish secretly that it wouldn't affect their relationship with the man. At times, the men assure them that it wouldn't. I am sure your husband told that to her. If her head 'dey ground', she would have disappeared out of the picture for you both. But since her head no dey ground, Poster, your own head now has to 'dey ground'.

    You have to enforce it. There is only one way. There aren't two ways. It's either YOU or HER. Not BOTH of you. Tell him how you feel cheated because he is cheating on you. He is married for goodness sakes, not just a boyfriend.

    Poster, stand your ground oh, this is not the time to be calm and gentle. Don't go and be shinning teeth with the lady. Next time he asks you why you didn't greet her well, tell him that why would you, when she is trying to take your space. She needs to give herself a break. Na wa o. This thing is annoying.

    That's how he will now go and be discussing your marriage with her? Na wa o. Poster please o, take a stand. Create boundaries. Tell him there are do's and don'ts. Why the "our song" and the other endearment? Does he like her or what? However you decide to do it, just make sure it's not something that makes the relationship to cool away for sometime and bounce back to full force later. Make sure it's lasting. Try and start doing those things he normally does with only her, with him. Then most importantly PRAY!

    And I succeeded in writing an epistle. But it's really annoying sha; your situation. I hope you really have enough strength to VEX cos you need lots of it. You need loads of Holy anger, as in eh.

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  6. Gosh my heart goes out to you, as a lot of people have rightly pointed out you should have addressed this issue before you even got married which would have made things less dicey. Emotional infidelity in my opinion usually precedes physical infidelity and if your husband is not already sleeping with this lady, it's just a matter of time before they do. You should insist your husband stops communicating with this lady and also have a talk with her and make her understand that she is over stepping her boundaries and ask her point blank if she wants your man or if she is trying to break up your marriage, from her reactions and responses you should be able to know for sure what her intentions are. I believe if your husband really loves you he will choose you above this so called friendship. Best of luck!

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  7. God help them married ones. most single ladies and their desperation chaaaaaaa.............
    Abeg ma sist, dont take it lightly oh, the other lady is an intruder and should be treated as such..

    tell ur guy, its either you or her.
    i rest my case.

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  8. You know what I think? Maybe they dated and for some reason couldn't get married cause you said they had been close even before you married him. So she's feeling like she's 'entitled' to a part of your husband since she's known him longer. Well, that's bullshyte.

    The point is you are married. Your husband might not be involved with her physically now but it might happen along the line. I blame both your husband and the lady but most importantly your husband for not drawing the line cause he has so much to lose.

    Please talk to your husband. Tell him you mean this and you expect him to take this seriously, you can not continue to be the second fiddle in your marriage. Then don't nag him about it. Just pray about it all. You can pray her away. Pray hard and fast and I'm sure things will turn around for the better.

    All the best!

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  9. Anonymous5/23/2013

    If u must "vex" and "show madness" pls be very careful, don't overdo it. Trust me, ur health is more important than all these men wahala. True, u should have talked about it before signing the dotted lines, it's not to late to adress it but do not let it weigh u down. My mum used to worry hersel a lot aboit my dad's philandering attitude. She had hi BP which let to stroke @ 48 yrs, she hasn't recorvered from that stroke since 2005. I have learnt not to give myself headache @ all. I see suggestive text messages and BB chats on my hubby's phone. But I don't give two fucks cos all men are potential cheats if the environment is enabling. Pls empower urself financially keep urself busy with things that interest u and if u hubby decides to go cheating or leave u he'll be the loser.

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  10. meeeeeeeeeeee5/23/2013

    This is a question you should have asked before the wedding not now. You should have asked your the fiance to define what his relationship with the other lady was as it is clear that he does have strong feelings for her. You can still ask him though, but you have to be wise about it as the bargaining power you had while you were still courting is no longer as strong.
    You also have to let him know that you are not comfortable with their close relationship, while not saying he cannot have female friends at all.

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  11. My dear be concerned for now but not worried. Even if they are "not sleeping" with each other, I believe they are emotionally attached to each other i think this is worse off in that they don't both see it as anything wrong since sex is not involved yet. It will soon get to a point when will she will be calling him as early as 6am on a saturday morning when he's supposed to be in bed with you.
    For her right now, you are competition and she will do everything possible to get your husbands attention; I am talking from experience, It took fervent midnight prayers for me to get my hubby to see that his colleague was obsessed with him. He was always playing the good listening friend/colleague until she started calling like 4 times a day, as early as 7am on weekend and she doesn't speak when i take the calls. Please call your husband attention to it and PRAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, its too early for issues like this to crop up in your marriage but not too early for you to stop whatever is brewing.

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  12. I think I would have taken the fact that some weeks into your marriage you by accident came across some text messages that you were not comfortable with as a warning. Sometimes things which we think are accidental are for a reason. The fact that he told you that he would stop talking with her in deep terms would not mean that he had stopped thinking about her in those terms, and as he is continuing to talk to her and you have come across those new messages, it seems quite obvious that there is as you say a very strong bond between them. I would say that as it is so disturbing to you the only thing you can do is confront him, and maybe her too, with how you feel. Also it would not hurt to ask them both how they would feel about the situation if they were in your place.

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  13. Anonymous5/23/2013

    @poster you need to fast and pray oh! Serious prayers I can give you prayer points if you like(pray that God will cause confusion between them) you are not comfortable with their r/ship and it is affecting your r/ship with your hubby so no gentleman prayer oh.

    Let me tell you, there is already a spiritual entanglement between your hubby and that lady.

    Trust me prayer works and God can put asunder any thing that want to put your marriage asunder because he has said what he has joined together let no man put asunder

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  14. Johnson5/23/2013

    You husband is being lured into a dip pit and he does not know it… you need to help him before it is too late! Imagine he still sleeps with her (very possible) and she conceives (very likely) and bears him a child – he will gladly accept. Then you’ll be in deep sh*t - madam, please wake up before it’s too late.
    Depending on your husband temperament, you can use a combination of the following strategies:
    1. Talk to him as suggested by others – emphasize the fact that this relationship will lead only to heartbreak and breakup.
    2. Treat this as cancer – because it has the potential to grow and as it grows amputation (death) is imminent. Possibly engage the babe – ask her to cut off the relationship with your husband.
    3. When you pray with your husband, add this to your prayer point “anybody wey dey waka for you, trying to bring confusion to ya marriage, dem go waka lost, IJN”. Father truncate the evil plans of every stranger in our home”.
    This not to get you worried, but to get you thinking and take the necessary corrective actions…

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Seconded!
      @everybody, am not the poster but have learnt a lot, God bless u guys for me, Aunty Eya u rock!

      Delete
  15. @Poster, it's you he married and not her. You are the one carrying his name. Most men are promiscous in nature. I didn't say all o, but most. If fowl yansh should blow and you see the things most trusted husbands do at their wives' back eh, you will be shocked.

    Why do you think experienced and old wives advise you not to snoop. Not to spy on your husband? but to just trust anyway. Don't you think if Cheaters should come to Nigeria, only a very minute fraction of husbands will be discharged and acquitted? It takes the grace of God for men not to chase women. They are mostly moved by what they see.

    Why am I saying all this? Trying to tell you that while you are worried and want to confront, do it wisely and not foolishly. Do it to win and not to lose. If he has feelings for her, if something prevented them from being together, it's their cuppa tea and not yours. Your own is to do the confrontation and let them know how you feel without trying to embarrass your husband or the ldy in question.

    Don't try to fight or insult her cos that might push your husband closer to her. Pray and ask God for wisdom before anything. Let it not be that after reading this post and all our comments, you tie a scarf around your waist and start to wait for him by the gate. Do not even try to raise your voice at him. Be wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove. #ThisIsMyOpinion o

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  16. Honestly, you guys are in a love triangle.

    It's just about time you sit him down and load him with feisty and rational words! If you condole this for too long you'll definitely have your self to blame.

    I have seen this happen with a friend, and as we speak he still has this mistress to himself while his wife is just in the picture. This same girl was at his wedding, visits with other friends when he has parties at home but She won't back out cos she thinks she loves him....

    Get into the thick, take actions! She's mos def his mistress who won't let go easily!

    Nuff'Said

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  17. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Call family meeting plus night vigil for their head.

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  18. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Dear poster, you've wasted so much time! I had this same experience when I got married newly, when I confronted my husband and ask him why he didn't marry her instead, hubby said she was too short.. So let her keep her short body outside my home abeg was my reply! It was so bad that she had to relocate to another state. Again I noticed all the ladies in his church won't give him space at all, I had to ask why oo, he told me he was the most eligible bachelor then in church, and every lady wanted him... We change church immediately! I don't want wahala at all... It is beta they are far away! By the time issues that creeping into ur home, she will lend him shoulder to cry on, and that's all! Set the pace now! Act fast oo, and wise.. Leave the lady out of it, only confront ur husband. But stop being nice to the lady, let her know by ur actions, that you are not confortable with her arround your hubby.

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  19. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Dear poster, you've wasted so much time! I had this same experience when I got married newly, when I confronted my husband and ask him why he didn't marry her instead, hubby said she was too short.. So let her keep her short body outside my home abeg was my reply! It was so bad that she had to relocate to another state. Again I noticed all the ladies in his church won't give him space at all, I had to ask why oo, he told me he was the most eligible bachelor then in church, and every lady wanted him... We change church immediately! I don't want wahala at all... It is beta they are far away! By the time issues that creeping into ur home, she will lend him shoulder to cry on, and that's all! Set the pace now! Act fast oo, and wise.. Leave the lady out of it, only confront ur husband. But stop being nice to the lady, let her know by ur actions, that you are not confortable with her arround your hubby.

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  20. Anonymous5/24/2013

    Dear Poster, u've been given a lot of useful advice here, I'd just like to add that this is the time for u to rev up ur feminine charm & win ur husband's heart with love... Plenty, plenty LOVE!!!
    Also u need to invest in developing ur relationship withur in-laws & husband's friends. Trust me, having them on ur side will add power to ur position.
    Above all, know that God is on ur side bcos as his wife, u r in a covenant relationship with ur man. Pray for him & mind ur words at this time, always make positve confessions over him.
    U will also testify in Jesus name.

    ReplyDelete

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