I Feel Like A Roommate, Invisible And Insecure Everyday

Hello Aunty Eya, please post this on wives connection. I've been married going on 14 years, my husband and I are in our mid and late forties and we are no longer having any intimacy, there is no intimacy at all, it feels robotic and forced when anything does happen in our
room. I feel like a helpless prisoner since I lost my banking job. He needs me to leave the room when he uses the bathroom like seriously? Sometimes I want to be stubborn and go nowhere but he is very controlling and I don't want neigbours to hear that roaring voice of his, so I leave and return when he is done if I like. Aunty Eya you won't believe my own husband that begged me to marry him is now the one that says to me "I'll get back to fucking you soon, just be patient with me.

Honestly, I don't know how to reply to that. I don't even touch him on impulse anymore because i'm afaid of rejection. But it's ok to massage him though and he won't say he's tired when it's a massage. Anything other than that or a little bit more and he starts complaining of tiredness. I used to at least give him oral everyday but then I got discouraged and tired of being the one on the giving end all the time, it became once in a blue month and eventually I stopped completely. If he cannot quench my desires, why would I bother satisfying him? So it has been that way since.  He has alot on his mind he says. But that doesnt stop him from looking at porn. He cheated on me last year, and maybe about a month ago when he stayed out till 5 in the morning and didnt answer my call. 

 When I used my FBI skills to find out who the lady is, called her and he got to find out what I did, he cursed me out all the way, told me she was an option and he would leave her if i just didn't call her. When we fight he'll tell me if i had a "fatter backside, maybe that would help", Just Imagine my husband saying that kind of stuff to me. But then again he always doubles back to say he didn't mean any of what he said and he loves me. I feel like a roommate, invisible and terribly insecure all the time. I'm just going crazy, he used to be so attentive so its hard not to notice so much has changed in this period of our marriage. There are days when all I have to do is wake up to be on his wrong side, I'm greeted with, "you just have to get you a hobby or something, I can't be around you all day. I used to do so much, now I'm just crippled by fear. No intimacy, no friendship, no empathy, my daughter has gone to boarding and it feels so alone. Will he change or am I fighting a lost battle praying and hoping everyday? Any advice will do.


  1. Johnson3/16/2016

    It will be worse if you do not fight for your marriage…, but what fight? The good fight of faith that all will be well again. It seems u had not paid much attention bcos your daughter was there to fill the void created – but that’s changed now cos u’re ‘idle’. The following are suggestions:
    1. Love & care for yourself irrespective of his actions.
    2. Learn to enjoy his company and initiate joint activities – watch movies together, take a walk together, etc.
    3. Get busy or look for something to keep you busy during the day… Better you wear yourself out & be tired at night that all you want to do is sleep. But remember to look ‘inviting’ at night when u go to bed…
    All this & other suggestions you would get have to be backed up with prayers; the potency of which will depend on your relationship with God through His Son…

  2. Madam please and please try as hard as possible to get another job so u ll get busy. Dts all I have for now. LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF AND LOVE YOURSELF. SELFLUV IS NOW IN VOGUE.

  3. Try and look for another job even if it doesnt pay as much as your former job. Try and hang out with friends but DONT discuss your husband there o please. Try and learn something new maybe a sporting activity like swimming, tennis or anything of interest to you.Still treat him like a loving husband its hard but try.Look good as much as you can and again try and look gir a job. Remember to always Pray, pray.

  4. Anonymous3/17/2016

    I knew it. Getting a job is number one in my list right now and I'm very hopeful. Thanks for your advice. Trying my best to love myself more although am the very clingy type. Working on my self esteem esteem too, can't wait to get a job and ask for transfer because I already feel like living apart as husband and wife is more peaceful for us.
    Thank you

  5. Madam, self love is key. While you're praying and patiently waiting for a change, invest time in what makes you happy. Happiness is a state of the mind my dear and we all have to consciously fine tune our minds to be happy. Please stop the pitty party and engage your self in things that will make u too busy to sit and dwell on it. A wise woman once said 'never contact your husband's girlfriend cos it will only bring them closer'. As difficult as it may seem, all you have to do is pray. My advice to you is to engage in a self loving, self discovery journey. Provoke his attention by dressing in the must stylish way ever. Invest in sexy night wears, classy clothes, perfumes etc and go get your self a vibrator. Trust me, it will get his attention. Good luck

  6. I think as women its high time we start looking inwards and to God for happiness and not our spouses. Man at his best is still man, meaning he can never be perfect. Poster when I read your post the first thing that came to mind is that this woman's self esteem is shattered, its almost as if you are living for this man and he can sense it, he can tell which is why he is doing shakara for you. You should be able to tell him by your actions that you really dont care whether he comes or goes. A few months ago my husband warned me that I should never ask him about his whereabouts again........because when he is out for too long I call him to find out where he is. Being the "obedient" wife that I am, I stopped asking him, in fact there are times where he would come back and I won't be home, he will call me and I won't pick, small time the man stopped going, the sex that I used to beg him for, in fact na me dey tire, why because I stepped up my game, the skirts got shorter, I started attending parties that i would normally not attend all because I wanted to be there for my husband and I closed off emotionally because I said this man would not continue to hurt my feelings, not that I dont love him o but i needed to let him know that I also have a choice.
    Madam please there is nothing wrong with you o! While looking for a job maybe you should start a small business on the side (a woman must always have something doing) and totally ignore the man, if you need to validate that you are still desirable dress up, go out and see whether you won't get a few men admiring you. Learn to have a life outside of him because he is definitely having one outside of you.

    1. Anonymous3/17/2016

      Wonderful Advice!! I love the part you have your husband a little taste of his own medicine by also having a social life jare!! Well done. Poster please take this advice o

    2. Yeah I always like dis advice. Going out and getting ursef involved with good activities. Yeah let d skirt strt getting shorter, build your self esteem. Very very important. Your happiness should b from God not human mbok

  7. amakandidi3/17/2016

    @tayo you are so on point, me am learning soooooooo much here o no be small thing.

  8. You should see this movie "WAR ROOM" There's where your answer lies. See how women that had similar problems with you came out of it.

  9. Anonymous3/18/2016

    You're too dependent on him, he knows this and it is annoying. Find something to do for yourself. Spend time with your own friends. Go on holiday etc. Don't be too clingy .... lots of people find it irritating.

  10. Anonymous3/19/2016

    Gb am!


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