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By The Time I Realized, We Had Booked Down Everything And Paid Deposits To Many Vendors

Hello Mrs Eya, I'm a male reader of wives connection blog, married for just 8 months but already want out and happy. 

I’m 33 years old. I’ve been married to my wife for 8 months now, and I’m already so unhappy that I’m considering leaving for good. Prior to getting
married, we dated for 1 year, 


Over the past 8 months of our wedding, my wife? she’s become very lazy I don't know why. I would say she’s worked a total of 3 months during that time.  Since I've known her, she's worked like 3 jobs, whenever she  gets upset about something, she becomes very impatient and quits. I convinced her about  going to school instead, and she did the same thing; she went for 2 weeks, got upset with her computer instructors, and dropped out, just 2 weeks, who get's upset with her lecturer and leaves school in this economy? I don't blame her because she doesn't feel the pinch of fee payment.


Another thing that worries me is that  Whenever I’m home, which are the weekends, she sleeps on the couch till 11 to 12 noon, On some weekends, she either reads her large novels in bed or hangs out on the couch. I tried asking her why and She tells me she only does that when I’m home because I throw off her routine, but it’s hard to believe that when that’s all I see. To be fair, she does cook even though rather late most times, and cleans the house when she feels like it. On the other hand she has a huge list of tasks that have been waiting to get done for months. Unless I decide to do something myself, or help her out with a task, it won’t get done.


Myself, I’m a  hard worker (workaholic). I got my work ethic from spending a year in the military that's long ago before this boko haram nonsense started. I work at a high paying but very stressful job. I value hard work, my father used to be very very hardworking, my mother as well, they worked so hard and gave us a good life, and I easily get upset when I don’t feel people around me are doing their fair share. Even before we got married, I was bitter that I had to go to work every day while she just gets to stay home and do whatever ( I have known her for sometime and we basically lived together for sometime before the wedding because her family members are not based here. Now that we’re married, the unwillingness to work hard  just seems to be magnified since I now have to permanently pay her beauty bills, hair bills, fashion bills, shoe bills  and every other other bills as well.

We talked about preparing to start having babies and raising a family here in Nigeria. We agreed on certain things, have been trying to make lifestyle changes, but I’m the only one that follows through. She’s gained weight since we started dating, she loves junk and fatty fried foods that only help her increase in size. Immediately after the wedding, I suggested that we start going to the gym together, but I’m the only one that works out regularly. She always finds excuses not to go, her registration card still looks as new as yesterday. If now that we are free she cannot find time to go work out, is it when babies start coming? I'm not the kind of guy that will come home from work stressed and wish to see a round fat wife opening the door for him. I like slim and fit and she knows it. She has gained over 12 kilograms since we started dating till now and doesn't seem really bothered about it.

I won't lie here, I have to bare my mind so that help can get to me. It’s reached the point where I’m just completely fed up with my wife. I’m sick of her being lazy all the time and not working or showing interest. After she left her last job and stopped attending the computer excel and power point classes, I asked for an updated CV and uptil this moment, she hasn;t given me her CV. as it just makes me feel resentful. I’m sick of her drinking a glass of wine every night before bedtime claiming it helps her sleep better,  I’m sick of her not trying to get back in shape (Honestly, I’m not really physically attracted to her anymore). I don’t really want to have sex with her, and we only have sex once a month. I’m not even really sure if I love her at this point. And there is no other woman in the picture. I'm not the flirting type and cannot change now. I promised never to cheat on her and I won't but I can leave the marriage if it doesn't bring desired happiness and I feel it's better now that kids are not involved.

We’ve already tried church counseling together. We sit before the pastor and it's just the same one sided forum. I’ve explained the problems I’ve had with her, she acknowledges the problems, but then doesn’t do anything about them. I’m the only one that brings up issues each time we went to see the pastor or his wife. My wife doesn’t seem to have any issues with me, or at least won’t bring them up when I try to ask, so when we do discuss issues it seems like it’s just a one way conversation. I look like the fault finder before her. Now I don’t even feel that going to see our pastor is worthwhile because I don’t think she’s going to do anything about her issues. Within this period of living together as husband and wife, I’ve basically lost faith in her ability to follow through with anything.

 My wife is not the same person I knew before we dated, and not the same person I fell in love with. I knew all these problems existed prior to getting married, but somehow thought that getting married would fix things up. I think I realized a few months before the wedding that it wasn’t going to help, but by that time we had booked everything and put down a bunch of deposits, sent Invites and I didn’t want to back out and disappoint so many people.  I’m also concerned that I’m so down at this point that even if she does change, it’s not going to make a difference in my feelings towards her.

I tried to write down reasons that I want to stay with her, and the list is short. She flows well with my family anyway, they really love her but I can't remain unhappy and unfulfilled to please my family. Any advice w'd be appreciated.

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Comments

  1. Poster, it seems your wife is suffering from an acute case of laziness and passiveness. She needs something that will keep her on her toes. Have you told her you are considering leaving? Maybe that will spur her to word harder. Laziness is a bad attribute for anyone to possess. Doesn't she have dreams, ambitions or goals in life? Is there anything that motivates her?
    "All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today."

    Heartbreaking story: how my father got me pregnant

    ReplyDelete
  2. Johnson3/24/2016

    Brossss – I feel you… 8 months and you’re having these issues – even sex is once per month - the devil is a liar! Visiting the pastor was not a bad idea but that was medicine after infection. Counselling is most appropriate before marriage cos you'll be guided & have the opportunity to share your fears/challenges with more matured counselors.
    With the scenario you painted – u don enter “one chance” and u definitely need divine wisdom to avoid casualty. I would advise the following:
    1. Identify someone your wife respects – better if this person is married and lives with the spouse.
    2. Go to identified persons and share your story with a plan to subsequently include your wife in the conversation.
    3. Take wife with you for the conversation and be very firm.
    4. Agree on actions for both parties after this meeting…
    Poster – you will need God to help you; so please ‘cry’ to Him. Also when you pray with wifey (I hope u do?), be sincere in asking God to help you, your wife, & marriage – and be specific in the help you need. Let her hear you say, for example, “Father, help (wife’s name) to become a better person & wife. I cancel every spirit hindering her from fulfilling her destiny. Help her to make the right decisions concerning her career, health, etc”.
    And lastly – take the idea of ‘walking out’ out of your mind – it can only be the devil bringing the idea. This will not make you better / happier…

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  3. Marriage doesn't fix anything in a person it only magnifies it because you are now toge824/7. Oga to be frank with you counselling or talking to her won't work at all, have seen her type before. The more you talk the more she will relax, she may even desire to change but because you have spoken to her she will decide to be nonchalant. Probably libra lol. Decide to act on it, whatever pocket money you give her cut it down, reason being the economy is bad. If you normally subscribe for full bouquet dstv, go for the cheapest one or no one at all. If you have to take away the chairs, pls do. Just take away all comfort till you start to see improvement at this point you can start talking to her. Talk in a very subtle way, when you both are playing you can quickly ask where she sees herself in the next five years, ask her what motivates her, tell her about your dreams and work, she would notice how her life is empty and hopefully make amends. For the weight because I can't access her emotional sensitivity, I can't really advice appropriately but start by buying her clothes, get a size smalle. If she complains just say y8are used to her in size*** if she is the fashionable type she will look for a way to drop the weight. Meanwhile forget every idea of separation and decide to make your marriage work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous3/24/2016

    Poster, i feel for you!! Truth is your wife is mega lazy and you are also kind of her facilitator. I would suggest you give money for food and house Bills but let her sort her beauty and wardrobe needs herself just to motivate her to earn her own money. Threaten to send her packing if she doesn't get herself together. The truth is i am actually alot like your wife and my husband noticed just before we got married, he had to show me tough love and he actually broke up with me for a while and i was sooo scared of losing him, omo i adjusted myself and funny enough i prefer my hardworking and slightly independent self now to how dependent i was on him. When he noticed i had started a buisness and was more interested in making a living ofcourse he came bk, i tried to do shakara o but i really missed him even though the break was just for 4 months. Now we are happily married and no laziness in sight(most times anyway lol).
    So I'll suggest you:

    1. Take away the luxury of paying for her clothes, hair and other things

    2. Ask her for a separation because the laziness is really making you lose interest (just to wake her up a little)

    3. Also pray for her and with her because laziness can have a very strong hold on an individual.

    Oh and make sure she snaps out of the laziness before you start having babies because with pregnancy comes even more laziness in some women.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Please don't divorce your wife just maybe she needs another woman to teach her what real wife responsibility are.(1) Contract an unknown actress,(2) she will act as your babe who came to spend the week with you,(3) let her be the kind of woman your wife once was, I mean the slim body type, let her be intimidating and an every man's dream girl,(4)let her present herself as a working class,confident, and a great wife material, she has to cook and clean too oo!! All this is to set an example to your wife and let Her see how happy you are and make feel unimportant and invisible. My dear, if you can achieve this Hehehe!! You will get your woman back except she be born dundy my brother. If it worked call me and thank me: 07061332874

    ReplyDelete
  6. As harsh as ds sounds I think u need separation. Well,not divorce yet. Give her some space n if she dsnt change,let her go! Dont live a miserable life in d name of marriage n going by ur write up,u have tried to fix thns. Personally I can't stand ds kinda person talk more of knowing she's a woman n a wife. Ds sucks abeg.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Johnson3/24/2016

    I like the idea of depriving her of some luxury - cable TV, makeup allowance, etc. Blame it on GEJ (lol). U can also take official leave and stay at home with her while making her believe you lost your job.
    I have seen this play out the other way - woman married a lazy man. I tell you, this is not a situation one wants to be in! It's very difficult helping a lazy person...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous3/25/2016

    1. Get out. Stay in a hotel room for one week straight. Tell her all your complains and since she isn't changing that you want a separation. Be very very firm abeg no sentiments. Then leave, dnt tell her it's a hotel u are staying don't tell her anything. Guy, within this one week trial with diff you will see will even amaze you! Then you can go bck and work on the rest. Divorce isn't an option for God's children no one is irredeemable. She just needs a fast eye opener

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey,a successful marriage is not a marriage without conflict but is a marriage where conflict are resolved successfully.And I know you desire that success that was y you are opened up on this platform.
    I understand you are disturbed about your wife's indifference despite your effort to make her a better person.Assuming she is your child giving You such attitudes will you disown her?Going out of the marriage is not the best option but patience and tolerance is.
    Is normal for conflicts to surface in marriages that was y you took d oath "For better for worse .......Till death do you part" now face it! Testing time.
    Remember You are from different backgrounds,you had different orientation and family upbringing and now you have to be one.Do you think it will b that easy?open up your heart to love your wife.Your experience is not different from other couples experience.Marriage is full of adventures;sadness ,loneliness ,hurting anger,hatred etc.These emotions take turns as situation warrants.Tell your heart to God and pray for your wife to change.Mostly,this challenges comes in the early stage of the marriage but as you get older in d r/ship things begin to get better.Reconsider your wife and don't all this temporal emotion ruin your lifetime commitment and Joy yet to come ok.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Reduce her comfort especially d once she holds in high esteem,nd make feel d pinch a bit,pretend as if tinz aint rosey @ ur place of work again.stop takin her 4 functions,since she doesnt want 2 change.talkless abt it,dont let her knw wats in ur mind again @lest 4 nw.some times pipu undastnds tins beta pratically.finally interceed 4 her thru prayers.d lord is ur strength.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes u ve to be patient with her but pls dnt loose d love u ve for her,so dis is wat u do,if u were subscribing for Dstv or any cables stop it,if u buy beverages nd oda can food nd stock in d fridge stop it,if u buy food stuff in bunch stop it,if u ve prepaid meter stop buying credit,stop taking her to functions,if she asks u y,tell her she is becoming too fat 4ur liking,let her learn d hard way,stop complaining to her,rather if u knw any of her family member whom she listens to nd can tell her truth,report to her,if she ask for money to buy her tins tell her they ve not paid u,tell her to start looking for a job dat tins are not d way it used to be,save ur money.if u knw d way to treat a stubborn daughter who is growing tails,treat her dat way bcos it seems her parents pamperd her alot.so its up to u to groom her to ur liking.if u both wants to go out together pls drop ur car keys nd use ur legebenz,if she complains u keep her quiet,stop stocking wine in ur bar,keep more water water water.anytime she complains of anytin just keep her quiet,stop telling her tins or how u feel,keep it to ursef,let her be d 1complaining,if d gas in d cylinder got finished pls buy her a stove.tell her d economy affected d price of gas,if dere is washing maching go behind it and remove one wire to stop it from functioning,buy her bucket soap nd detergent,she must learn d hard way nd begin to blend,when u nw see she is beginning to comprehend pls start releasing all dis tins one by one,above all two of u should pray together on ur knees tell God hw u want ur wife to be,say it to her hearing.I belive this ll help,pls be patience with her,u both are made to help each other,help her now,dnt leave her tnx.

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  12. Stella-Maris3/25/2016

    My advice is,a little patience and prayers. Good luck

    ReplyDelete
  13. But y knew dis same person while dating na. Better u are hard working to complement her. Dis is what u should know n think if u can manage with before marriage. Are sure are you dt if u leave d marriage u ll b perfectly fine with the next? Think about it

    ReplyDelete
  14. Friend you just have to live with what you have, its not going to get better until you decide to manage your problems, the honest mistake of ignoring the red flags before marriage has been done so what you have left is HOW TO LIVE WITH HER ISSUES.
    work hard s you do, get a maid/steward to help you do somethings, if you can afford it, open a shop eg food stuff biz for her to keep her busy, then travel alot if your business allows that and clear your mind. if you leave this relationship, there is no guarantee the next one will be awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The part about not telling you anything about your faults is so me! I can't put those things in mind. It's not like you are perfect, but your wife has accepted you in your imperfection and does not feel the need to keep a record of all the things wrong with you. It's just too much work keeping a record of someone's faults especially someone you care about.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kpele is your name!I dunno how some ignorantly go ahead with marrying someone despite red flags.No miracle happens at the altar,what you see while dating, would even worsen after marriage.There is no point delaying the evil day,if there are issues you cant deal with, please take a walk!People will talk,your parents are sure going to be disappointed and embarrassed, but your happiness and peace of mind should come first.If not,Last last,na divorce go end am.

    ReplyDelete

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