Sad:The Closest Person In My Life Does Not Want To Ask About My Health. Says 'You're Not Depressed, You're Just Miserable'

Hello Eya and WC peeps, This is my first post on the blog. I don't really know where to begin. My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years. Though we are very conservative, we both from the North, Communication is very important to me but it's something my wife struggles with a lot. I feel that she's not interested in my feelings most of the time, and isn't all that interest in  feelings and communication contribute to the health of a relationship?  She's a very 'practical' Hausa girl with a strong impulse to just 'get on with it'; if there's something to be done, just do it and don't waste time talking about it and how it makes you feel, expressing emotions,etc.
This manifests in all sorts of our relationship problems, but what's happened over the last 24 hours illustrates the point well. We've been through a bunch of crap in the last two years:
two miscarriages, lots of relational stress, drama with the in-laws, we've both had some work-related stresses, I've been very homesick (having just moved from KD to PortHarcourt) etc. I never really moved even as child, schooled  in the North and got married in the North, all my friends are in the North.I've been feeling like I'm depressed:
 I haven't wanted to get out of bed most days, can't concentrate at work, have been gorging on food even when I don't feel like eating, have a generally bleak outlook etc. I mentioned yesterday that I might be depressed and didn't want to go to work, and my wife responded (angrily): "You're not depressed, you're just miserable and everybody gets miserable sometimes - you've just got to push through it."
So I was able to go to the hospital  this afternoon and went to have a chat about how I've been emotionally down in the last few months. My wife knew I was going and why - I saw her 5 minutes before I left for the hospital. After I finished from there, I called her as I was running into the supermarket - she didn't ask about my hospital visit. I've since returned home, we ate dinner at the table together, and we've been sitting here watching TV and she's still not asked me how my appointment went. It's been more than 2 hours since I've seen the doctor, and my wife hasn't been apparently interested enough to ask how it went?
I mean...what do I do with this? How am I supposed to feel protected, looked after, loved and cared for if the closest person in my life doesn't want to ask what seems to me to be normal, important questions about my health? Is there a way for me to improve this situation? I urgently need advise, has anyone experienced what I'm going through in my marriage?


  1. Hello poster, your wife still cares a lot about you but it is you that's not getting it. You are only thinking about yourself, stop it, you two may have gone through a lot of stressful drama but she feels it more than you because she is a woman. If you want her to ask you how your day went you must always ask her, always let her be happy when ever she sees you treat her has your angel free her from her burden, take her out, buy nice things for her, go outside with in the night and look at the stars with her like oyibo people, talk a walk with her in the evening after work or on weekends, if you live in a neighbourhood with sidewalks, get jogging outfits for you both, to hit the roads on Saturday Morning, jogging side by side, and walking when you are tired, it will make her feel alive.
    Remember before you proposed to her you onces loved her more than anything you must show her that you still do. She's had two miscarriages in the last two years, she has no baby yet. Your wife is going through a lot. work related stress while pregnant and after miscarriage maybe, If you feel depressed, I think she is depressed too but is not expressing it like you are. She also needs attention and care. You both need some little help by way of counselling. She has a lot on her mind I can bet.

  2. Don't play games, waiting for her to ask what happened at the hospital, just tell her what happened. You need her support to get well and healthy.

    1. Johnson2/19/2016

      Thanks Ken... Bros, tell ur wife what happened! U know she's conservative and not the talking type which could have been influenced greatly by cultural background.
      To break out of this conservative mode, at least with each other, you need to use some unconventional methods alien to your culture - watch movies together, attend parties/events (leave her with friend's wives for ladies gossip), etc. Then discuss every topic - incl talking about sex. If possible, try find something to occupy her time - job, volunteer role, etc. This will keep her busy and draw her out.
      As aunty Eya said, she's equally going through some tough moments and not expressing it might be really dangerous for both of you.

  3. Anonymous2/19/2016

    You don't want what it feels like for an expectant mother to lose her baby, not once but twice.

  4. Anonymous2/19/2016


    1. Anonymous2/23/2016

      Exactly!it is terrible. You can br happy this moment and crying the next. You should be the one trying to ask how she is feeling all the time and not getting depressed over changing your location. You want your wife to baby sit you because you are homesick when she has lost two pregnancies. Please brace up and show some concern and support for your wife. I am not saying you dont need to be cared for but this feeling of homesickness, not concentrating at work, etc cos you relocated are not necessary.

  5. Your wife is the conservative type, reminds me a lot about my cousin, she cares ooo but you won't hear her ask about your welfare. I am mostly very outspoken about it and I tell her a lot, now she's changed. I think you are the needy kind of guy who likes attention but your wife is the tough type so, you both have to balance things and work it out.

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  6. It's just some psychological ish. Everything will be fine soon.


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