My Family Has Brainwashed Me So Much, I Can't Even Enjoy My Marriage

I have been an orphan all my life never knew my parents and was raised by my moms older sister. They really took very good care of me n loved me more than their children. I was well educated till I was a graduate, but i started having problems right after marriage. I got married to a good  n religious man, the type i had always wanted. He was so kind and respectful to them until they started to control my life.


Two months after my wedding, my aunt gave birth, i must say am not much of a social person so don't like gatherings as such, have never been to any naming ceremony before
marriage. Suddenly, it became an issue after marriage that i didnt go for her naming ceremony and then his work place were on strike n no salary. They suggested i go with them but he refused knowing it will be another issue.

He tries as much as he can to take me to my hometown when anything happens like grandpa's sickness, deaths n meetings but they dont appreciate any of his efforts. They see it as a must.
When anything good happens to him no one congratulates him from my side like, buying a new car rather they want him to buy it for me, I dont blame them they want d best for me but anty he doesn't have d means to do that. He spend his last kobo on me. When he got an opportunity to travel out b4 our marriage they insisted he must go with me or leave me behind n buy me a car. He told dem he couldn't promise anything yet becoz even if u r living  within Nigeria n you are transferred, you  hv to go there first before  coming for your family.  Hmm... that nearly prevented d marriage bcoz they were saying that  he will go n abandon me here. They even went as far as telling him that "in our culture when a girl is married off, she never comes back home to sleep except visit"  so he shouldn't expect me to go back to them.



Things got worse when i gave birth. It's customary to go home for first delivery but he says am staying in my house. They called his parents asking them to force him to let me go home n they say since it's not ordained by God they will not interfere in his marriage unless when he strays from d right path. They were supposed to bring an elderly woman to stay with me but no arrangemnt of that sort was made. When i put to bed they asked my MIL to get a temporary alternative which she did d very next day.

He tried his very best to make me comfortable , provided everythng i needed. His relatives were very helpful coz his cousin stayed with me for 6weeks.
I get so confused as to who is right or wrong. Mostly your in-laws are usually your headache but in my case it's my own family. They hate him to bits and he knows n that has never made him not to respect them. He bought foodstuffs n sent it down to dem but could not even get an acknowledgement.

He refused travelling then b4 we were married until last year when our daughter was 1. He has never told me we will b joining him n i nvr bothered bcoz i now him whn he wants to do sumthng he nvr tells or promise any 1. I continued my nysc as i was abt rounding up. 1 week after pop we landed in London. He made sure he made everything rdy b4 he lft. I can  rmbr gng to d passprt office n i asked him y we needed a passprt since he has no intentn of taking us along. He just said passport z getting more n more expensive by d day n soon u cant hv a job without it.
Hmmm..... thats my story now d feelings.




I just dnt feel d oneness btwn us bcoz most time my aunts call me when he says am not going for an occassion or dat issh abt going bck hm afta birth that he doesnt luv me he z jst obsessed n that oneday he will lv me n marry sum1 else. I get brain washed n start thinkin it might happen. I hvnt bn leavn with him with a clean mind i always hv those  thots in my hd n dat hv md me not to enjoy my marriage. I c him as a stranger n d person dat will tear me away frm my family. Sumtyms he does harsh things to thm lyk not picking their phn calls bcoz he knws whst d outcm will be but i caused it sjmtym. Here i am in a marriage where i am not bn a submissive wife to my husband n always acting in what dey tell me lyk a zombie, always attacking him and on the other part not un gud terms with my family. What do i do? Who do i turn to? I hv tried explaining thing to dem but they said he must obey thm n dis is just d begining n on d oda part he say its all ova once they stop interfering in his mrg n stop insulting his parents. Am jst so confused.
I don't want to be ungrateful for their kindness but should that cause me my marriage? Is it worth it. Where do i go from here? What if he turns his back on me?

Comments

  1. Hi Poster, you wrote like a text message and I am struggling to complete the words so that readers understand your story and advise. You are an adult now and married, your husband is your head right now o. Your family shouldn't destroy your marriage because right now they can't take care of you and your baby. Why all the interference? They should leave you alone and please don't be confused. Yes, they helped after your parents passed, that doesn't mean they cannot free you to live your life in your marriage.

    You are no longer a child, chose this day where you belong o. You are married. They are still your EXTENDED family but your husband is who to obey first not them. They should mInd their businesses and leave your marriage alone na, na wetin?

    Anyway, I don't know what or how other readers will feel about your situation... but that's my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous1/20/2016

    Your story reminds me of that of my parents. My moms people till this day don't like him despite the fact that he is successful and he gives her everything. The truth is the bible says a man shall leave his father and mother and the 2 shall become one flesh. Can your husband abandon you? Yes! Can your family abandon you? Yes! Can God abandon you? No! So what does that tell you? Madam face your home! If they don't like him pack them to one side and deal with them when you need to. If you can afford to go home go home if you can't stay out after all they don't pay your bills. You can't be dancing to the tune of your family and neither can your husband. Focus on taking care of your husband and kids that is what a wife should do and be a good daughter to your people but do not bend over backward for anyone. So my dear if they don't like him that's their business o! Don't let it bother you

    ReplyDelete
  3. Poster, I didn't understand your narrative. You should have gone through the texts several times to see if you understood it well before posting. Well, that's by the way.
    I was able to decipher that your family for some reasons best known to them do not like your husband and it's beginning to affect the way you see him.
    However, my advice to you is, face your home. I didn't say ignore your family, no I don't mean that in any way! Do you know that if your home is destroyed, your family wouldn't want to take you back? At that point, you'll begin to regret things and even begin to openly address the situation with your family but it would be too late. You might even get into quarrels with your aunts and extended relatives.
    I guess what I am trying to say is, you need to take things easy and stop entertaining false news about your husband from your family. When next they call again to complain about him, quickly change the topic and firmly tell them that you do not want to discuss about your husband in his absence as you wouldn't like him to discuss about you in your absence.
    Subtly stop talking about your husband with your family and subtly stop them from saying things about him in your presence.
    The way you sounded at the beginning made it feel as though you are walking on eggshells around your family because you were kind of 'adopted', you began by saying that you were an orphan and that they gave you everything. That singular message alone comes across as though you are trying not to offend them and instead, you are destroying your marriage in the process. You are their 'CHILD' whether an orphan or not, you are theirs and please begin to see yourself as one. Face them the same way, their blood would face them and stop creating a fear factor over your head.
    If it were my aunt that called me to tell me nasty stuff against my husband, I will quietly tell her never to talk about him in such light again. Anyone that disrespects my husband, disrespects me and anyone that disrespects me, disrespects him! Besides, I'm not the first person to get married from the family and I definitely won't be the last.

    In this case, whatever ideologies your family has about your life partner should be their opinion and their cup of tea and not yours! That's my take.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Johnson1/21/2016

    Talk to your 'parents' - what do they want? If they say they want respect from your husband, let them know that he is making effort... However, you need to explain to them that their care/love for you is affecting your marriage negatively and that if care is not taken your marriage will break up. Ask them if that is what they want.
    Would have helped to know if your 'parents' have other grown up children that are married and how they are fairing...
    In this matter at hand, you would be the BIGGEST loser if your marriage breaks up and you have only yourself to blame!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous1/21/2016

    I feel this poster is a hausa woman this is what we are facing mostly now in the north most especially when the lady is from well to do home I am facing the same problem too.
    As for me I started drawing bak from them slowly they did not even take note then I drew a line between them and my husband for example if a wedding is taking place I don't even tell him cuz I knw he will not attend so when they ask me if he knows I tell them no.
    Also he too I stopped telling him anything that is happening in my family or even if they complain or send me to him I don't tell him cuz I knw it will cause an issue between us so basically it is me and them or me and him and our kids.
    I feel I have small peace now, my husband is even the one asking now that is there nothing going on in my family then I reply with there is but I knw u don't care so no point then I immediately change the subject from his face I knw he is feeling guilty about that.
    Pls just try and make ur slf happy u are the important person in this situation

    ReplyDelete
  6. post sender1/22/2016

    Sorry for how d email turned out, have never written anything that long with my phone. My daughter is very hyperactive as such could not get full concentration while on the system had to switch to my phone which was faster n i took days to compile.
    Thank u

    ReplyDelete
  7. POSTER1/23/2016

    @johnson i am the eldest cousin in the family and the first to get married but they have younger siblings who are married. My 'parents' just want my husband to do as they say and he is not like that even his parents dont command him, they only advice him. They had wanted to end the marriage after i gave birth but but my husband stopped all form of communications to avoid being provoked because he sensed what they had in mind. Now they are saying i should 'threaten' to leave him if he wont let me get a job that they can take care of me and my daughter.... hmmm....
    What baffles me most is how one by one they are retrieving what they have bought for me first it was my jewelry sets(including those of my late moms), textbooks, laptop, phone etc all with the intention that they will return it which ends up sold or lost.
    Thank u

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmmmmmm.
      I'm really pissed off, really.
      What does your family really want? For your husband to "do as they say"? Do not yourself even hear just how wrong that sounds?
      Poster, give your family a wide berth. It will hurt them and make you seem ungrateful to them but it is very necessary that you do this.
      I have a lot to write but it's late and I need to sleep.
      Be guided.

      Delete
  8. Johnson1/23/2016

    Poster, one thing is for sure - your parents are not happy with your status as a housewife, which is understandable. No one trains a daughter only to get married and become a sit-in-the-house wife. Have this conversation with your husband - except na u no wan do anything.
    However, let no man break your home. You will be the looser if that happens. God will continue to grant you wisdom...

    ReplyDelete

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