Having issues in my marriage and any attempt to talk to my husband about these problems has turned into an argument

Hi Wives town hall connection, I'm  a silent reader of wives connection who has learnt so so much from the blog, having issues in my marriage and any attempt to talk to my husband about these problems has turned into an arguement that has gotten nowhere. I am married with four kids including a pair of twin. Our oldest son is just 6 years, a four year old and two year old twin.
I think the main issue we have in our relationship is that I dont feel like I am getting enough support and help from my husband. He feels that because he works and I stay home, I should be responsible for everything relating to the house and kids. A lot of the other issues we have I think all stem from this e.g. our sex life is almost non existent, this is because I
rarely have any interest in having sex with him as I go to bed most nights feeling exausted and resenting him for his lack of help through out the day. e.g. We dont spend alot of time together anymore because I get angry being around him when he sits there ignoring or shouting at the kids and expecting me to do everything and then clear his plates and wash after meals. We tried twice to get househelps but they do not last even with all my kindness, they just leave for Christmas or Easter celebrations with their families and never return, the whole housework has been on my head. The stress of looking for a help was getting to me so I decided to manage until any day God sends help. We live in a big house, so it's not easy for me with kids.
When he isn't at work he thinks he should have that time to relax and do what he wants to do, I dont have a problem with him having "me time" but I dont feel that he needs so many hours everyday when me and our kids get none of his time. I dont even have a problem with doing the majority of the houswork but I dont see why he cant help out even on weekends, I'm not expecting him to do a lot but something as simple as putting the dishes  away in the kitchen  after I have made dinner and helping me tidy the dining  room at night would atleast show me that he actually cares and make me feel much better. It would only take him 10-15 minutes but he feels this is too much to ask from him. 
On his days off he refuses to do anything. A common issue we have is that I want him to either take care of the kids while I go food shopping or take us all shopping. He hates having to do either and feels that I should take the kids food shopping myself when he is at work. I have tried a few times to do that shopping myself with the kids but it is extremelly difficult difficualt as I dont drive so I have to take a bus or keke napep taxis which means I can only buy and carry a few items so I can deal with the kids. Or if I walk and take the keke so I can carry more items it means I can't use a trolly at the shop and can only buy as much as I can carry while pushing the trolley with kids everywhere. I understand that it is not fun to have to do food shopping on your day off but it is something that will only take an hour or so each week. I also know that I can buy mama put not far from our house but it's one of the few chances I have to get out of the house other than the walk to kids school in the morning, the twins have't started school yet till maybe September.
I am really starting to get angry about the way he treats our kids (he isn't particually bad to them but it feels like he would just rather they weren't around) e.g. he'll come in from work and the first thing he does is to send them all up stairs to play, i'm fed up seeing the dissapointment on their faces when they are excitedly trying to tell him about some acheivement in nursery or something for him to just turn around and tell them to go upstairs and play. He them expects them to stay upstairs quietly playing for 3-4hours until I go put them to bed. It usually ends up with me spending most of the evening up in their room with them as I dont want to leave them unsupervised for such a long time. This then leads to an argument about how he feels I dont want to spend time with him. How is that possible???

We got into a really bad argument last week and I'm now at the point where I either need things to improve or leave him but with four kids? My 6 year old is asthmatic and wasn't very well so I made an emergency appointment at the hospital for him, my husband moaned and fussed about having to drive me to the hospital but it was really very cold with harmattan breeze blowing  and freezing so I told him i wasn't trying to get a bus with an ill child in that weather. When we got to the hospital,  the doctor wanted to put him on admission as his Oxygen stats were low. 
 My husband complained and complained the whole way there about how this was ruining his day off (he planned to play his  xbox all day). when we got to the hospital I told him to take the other kids back home and I would phone him when we were finished but he insisted on waiting with us. He spent the whole time playing with his phone leaving me to try and amuse 4 kids myself and keep them away from all the many things in a hospital that they shouldn't touch, all while trying to talk to the doctor. I was getting really angry and so was the doctor by the look of it, he eventually asked me if my husband could take the other kids out to a waiting room or home. My husband said he would take them home.
 After a few hours and a nebuliser my son was much better and they said I could take him home. I phoned my husband to let him know and he told me that he had decided to just wait in the carpark. I went out to the carpark and found 3 screaming really upset kids in the car with him sitting trying to play on his phone. He started shouting about how stressful they were and how they haven't stopped screaming and crying the whole time and it's made it hard for him to read his book on his phone because of it. I was so angry and disgusted at him that I took the kids out of the car and went back into the hospital for a while, then came out and took a taxi to go to my parents house because they are also here in Abj. One of the twins was absolutly soaking from peeing so much in her nappy and the other ones nappy was huge and I was amazed it also hadn't leaked everywhere, the 4 year old was desperate for a pee as she doesn't wear nappies anymore. 
After I calmed down a bit I left the kids at my mums and went home to talk to him which ended up in us having a huge fight and me telling me I wanted to leave him. He couldn't see that he had done anything wrong and kept going on about how unfair I was being to him for expecting him to give up his day off after all the night calls to drive me about (OUR child was ill and needed medical attention, i wasn't asking him to drive me about for my own pleasure, I also did not enjoy the experience of sitting around hospital rooms but it is just part of being a parent). his reason for not taking the children home was he wouldn't get peace with them all running about and would just have to come back and get me anyways so he might as well wait outside, that would have been fine if it was a 10 minute appointment and he spent that time amusing the other kids but he was told before he left it would be at least a few hours and possibly our son would be kept on admission. Why go and wait at the car park instead of taking the kids home? That's the height of insensitivity and irresponsibility. 
I am still really angry about the whole situation and have avoided him or barely spoken to him in a week and unsure where to go from here, I want things to change and get better between us but i'm not sure how to do this or if they even can get better. his attitude and behaviour have gradually gotten worse over the last 3 years. 

I feel so alone and tired like I'm a single parent. What should I do?

Comments

  1. Anonymous1/25/2016

    Go where with 4 kids. Your husband is just used to using you. He feels paying school fees is all he needs to do. You gat to buckle up and show him you cannot be his slave or better still get a househelp asap.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous1/25/2016

    I can relate to the poster as I am in a similar situation. I have been married for a year and a half and I just feel fed up and starting to regret getting married. I pray God grants us the ability to be able to do the right things.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous1/25/2016

    You talk too/write too much, wahala woman..

    Just get a nanny!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is just pure irresponsibility from his side. How dare he want to seat and play xbox when his child is ill and he was complaining that you ruined his day off. He is not mature at all, not ready to be a father and he forgets that once you are a parent regardless of being a man or woman it means you have no day off.

    I can understand when he gets home from work he might be tired but spending 1 hour with his kids every evening is not too much.
    It is so unfortunate that African men believe the total responsibility of raising kids is a woman's job. Your children may later resent their father if he carries on sending them to their rooms once he gets in, not spending anytime with them and generally being horrible to them.
    Please ask around from reliable sources on where to get a very reliable househelp. You desperately need one.
    Please learn how to drive, it will really help you getting around with the kids. You might need to drop your kids with uour mum while you go for driving lessons.
    Your husband does not seem like he even wants to try to change. I don't think talking to him over and over again will change but still give it a try.
    I totally understand that you often resent him because you have the kids to deal with and he is quite annoying. However try to see if the kids can spend the evening and have a sleep over at your mums once every 2weeks to help you two talk and have a date.
    Finally pray that God should touch him and make him to be more grown up, more fatherly and to be more responsible.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Johnson1/25/2016

    I laughed when I got to ‘he planned to play his xbox all day’… In reality you have five kids! You don enter 'one chance'.
    Things can get better, but it will take serious ‘hard-work’ and patience.
    The number one thing is to realize that you have a big child as husband. When the head of the family is a boy, you have to take charge and be the mum. Apart from providing financially, I do not see what other major role he performs - except sleeping with you under tension (lol). If you’re not careful, you will age quickly and develop high BP for nothing. You need to stop being the super woman and tactically assign some task to him. For example – ‘sweetheart please check the food on fire while I attend to junior’. If he does not do it, let him eat burnt offering for dinner. You just have to device crafty ways to get him involved… It will be difficult at first as this might mean leaving the house untidy, not giving him food, etc. Except if he’s a man that is likely to abandon the home and run after small girls, he will have no choice but to help. And don’t forget to commend him for the little things he will do.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous1/25/2016

    House help u need agreed but no body can take better care of ur kids than u. If u are a full time mun, I suggest u forget about house help they are no better. I am a mother of eight and fulltime housewife and so I understand your feelings .I survived it but can't pretend it was easy. The problem here is your hubby lack if support and selfishness. If u have tried taking to him without success, I suggest speak to his parents or any of his family member s he respects and let them educate him on what family life and fatherhood Is all about.it seems like he hasn't got a clue. Everything is not money. Back it up with prayers. Again what is his family background like? Does he belong to the group who believes that women should do all domestic works while men's duty is to impregnant and provide money only.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous1/25/2016

    House help u need agreed but no body can take better care of ur kids than u. If u are a full time mun, I suggest u forget about house help they are no better. I am a mother of eight and fulltime housewife and so I understand your feelings .I survived it but can't pretend it was easy. The problem here is your hubby lack if support and selfishness. If u have tried taking to him without success, I suggest speak to his parents or any of his family member s he respects and let them educate him on what family life and fatherhood Is all about.it seems like he hasn't got a clue. Everything is not money. Back it up with prayers. Again what is his family background like? Does he belong to the group who believes that women should do all domestic works while men's duty is to impregnant and provide money only.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous1/25/2016

    Enter your comment...u can't go anywhere with four kids, some Nigeria men are like that not all, some are better. Just manage till u get house help,then when d twins start sch, u will ve time to relax. as a nursing mother is not easy at all, but is a matter of time this kids are growing everyday before u knew it they will be independent . kudos to all women , is not an easy task.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I hate it when men have to play those stupid games...yep I said it! I mean...play games if you want but don't get addicted.

    Dear poster, I want you to take a deep breath, relax, be calm and smile. It will be fine. The first thing you need to do is, get yourself a good house help or house helps as the case maybe. I know how hard it is to get dedicated house helps, but if you really persist, you'll get the good ones. Where you said 'that even after all your kindness, they still leave' I laughed because the truth with these helps is that, they never get carried away by your kindness, infact it's even the wicked madams that get to keep them (not that you should be wicked ooo)
    I think that you should plan a weekend away for a me-time, drop your kids with your parents, arrange to get a nanny or househelp, and look for somewhere and chill before you get stressed out! If you need a nanny agent's number, I can help you with one but he's based in Lagos.
    When you get back, together with the new help or helps, begin to re-organize your home. Start teaching your children (even though it could be difficult at first) a routine of eating and keeping their dishes at the sink, the eldest should clean the table after eating and should be in charge of the kids during playtimes and be rewarded if they are of best behaviour. Don't let the matters of the house overwhelm you. Most importantly, bond with your kids and still create space and time for your husband. Look your best at all times, and always, have your me-time, (a day or weekend set aside to go and pamper yourself). Look at the brighter side, you have four beautiful kids and soon they'll grow up and learn to pick up after themselves and make you proud.
    I can't tell you to talk to your husband because I know you have spoken to him to no avail but then again, stop getting upset, because stress lines will only make you look older than him.


    For refreshing stories, visit www.adaezewrites.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous1/25/2016

    Madam I understand ur plight, and ur man is not supportive! Some pipo r naturally lazy with such tins, b it male or female it's just dia nature! The more u stop expecting him to assist u, d less annoyed u will b with him, u r idle, u need to b busy with official work or business! It takes ur mind away from all diz domestic issues, den try n take a maid use agents! Dey can easily replace 4 u! Don't kill ur sex life it will create another issue in ur marriage! Ignore ur man's childish behaviour! I wish u all d best

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow! As i was reading i just kept picturing, my sister! House help go run away o.. Dem no fit last.. I can understand your situation, i think your husband knows he needs to help, he is just use to the fact that you have being doing all the work so he feels well... Thats her job,what else does she do.. It is well.. Na patience you go fit use quench this matter, you will not give up ni. Try Johnson's style. Ask for help, say thank you when he helps. Dont keep the struggle to yourself. Pele.. You will be fine

    Please reduce sugar and sweet things intake for your kids.. Sugar makes kids hyperactive. When dem chop sweet things dem go just dey charge

    ReplyDelete
  12. Mbok jump on n take @bros Johnson's advice asap

    ReplyDelete
  13. My dear.....as Adaeze said, take a deep breathe, relax and be calm. I totally imagine what you are going through and it can't be funny at all. Raising a family is stressful...but doing it alone is almost suicide. I imagine you have shown your hubby that you are superwoman and can do it all in the past and he has gotten lazy. .....I have no words for your husband. God help him realize that he is pushing his kids away and before he says 'jack' they wont need him any more and he ll be the one complaining that his kids dont love him.

    Some have given good advice and you should take the ones you think will work. I strongly suggest you get help!! If you haven't had success with the ones that leave-in, try the day helps (7-7) by the time they leave in the evening, they would have fed and bathed the kids and all you do is spend quality time with them before bed. A stressed and depressed mummy is worse for the kids than having a help assist in taking care of them.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous1/28/2016

    In addition 2 d advice above,Just let d tiredness u feel really obvious once a while dnt even raise a finger those periods n see if he wnt buckle up n appreciate ur efforts after helping u out...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous4/11/2016

    woah... you have five kids not four.

    ReplyDelete

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