Should I Accept This Cheating As punishment For My Bad Behaviour? Is He Lying To Me?

Dear Aunty Eya and blog visitors,
I need to get married and settle down as sokn as possible but a
past mistake is pushing him further away.
When I started dating my current boyfriend, it was as if everything fell into place. It finally felt like what I thought a relationship should feel like. I was really  happy. He was uncomfortable with the number of people I had slept with and though he felt bad about it but he was still fine because I told him everything honestly. 
But, there is one thing in particular that bothers him. I had a threesome with some guyslong ago as an undergraduate, it turns out 2 of them were his  friends in the same group.  
Things haven't been same since. The night I told him I’d had a threesome, he cried and said he felt sick. He became so angry with me that he began to pick at me, and it seems like everything I do is wrong. Overnight, I went from being in a relationship that made me even more confident and happy with myself to being in a relationship that brings me down and constantly reminds me of my shortcomings.
It’s been 11 months since I told him. He says as a girl, I should have kept a tab on what people are talking about me (I actually don't care) or I shouldn't have fallen for him because he was a part of the same group and knows what all those guys talked about me. He says he has been forced into this relationship. I'm not asking for his approval of my past actions, just understanding and forgiveness.
 I’ve tried explaining my past and why I did the things that I did. I was in the worst phase of my life, I had had a break-up, my ex boyfriend was blackmailing me and my parents. And in such a stressed out state, I got introduced to some things, I did everything under the influence of those things. He knows it all, he says he understands but he is reminded of what those guys were talking about me(slut and shit like that). I’ve also tried to make him understand how much he means to me and how much I value him, but nothing seems to make any difference. 
It was in December 2014 that we came really close and I told him everything. We started dating in February 2015. Now, since last month he is saying that he needs to have sex with other girls to get over my past. He says he loves me and cannot leave me but my past is killing him so he is doing this. He plans to continue this until marriage. He has already cheated on me twice. Problem is, I don't have a job and that is why I am extremely emotionally dependent on him. I am living with my parents and my parents keep pressuring me a lot because they don't approve of this guy and so I only have him for the support. 
So, because of his cheating plans 'our' time gets cut down. In the past one month I have only had long talks with him for fighting in the last one month. I am unable to handle his behaviour, how can he do this now when we are so close to getting married. I have lost confidence in myself, both career wise and his perspective. I was so confident he wouldn't cheat on me but he did. 
Last weekend we met at a friends wedding, I checked his phone and got upset and angry over how much he is attached to one of the girls. I got drunk at the party and to control me he slapped me several times and real hard. He even broke phone and a mirror in the hotel. I cannot handle the violence. I am going into depression. He says beating would never happen again, I don't know how much to trust.
I can’t keep feeling so ashamed of a past I had come to terms with, but I also can’t bring myself to give up on someone that I love so much. We’d been talking about marriage and our future, and now I wonder how he could have meant any of that. He says he loves me really madly and cannot lose me for that threesome thing and that's why he is doing this. If he loved me so much, how could his love and respect for me be so conditional?
 Is there anything he can do to get over this, or am I going to have to forget about how good things used to be and move on? Should I accept this cheating behaviour?
Please Aunty Eya, post or reply soon. Please.

Comments

  1. All shades of wrong dear. Cheating on you even makes it worse and shows he doesn't wanted tomarry you. So, he is punishing you, for how long? I can't even put my head around this whole everything. Maybe you just let him go and when in another relationship, while thanking God that threesome didn't give you HIV, you also keep mute about some things and let that past rest inpeace. Being honest in a relationship is not the same is being unwise. This relationship now, you think it will end in marriage, I think heis just using you for the moment. Get serious with your life and meet someone that doesn't know about you doing all that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Forgive my autocorrect grammar.

      Delete
    2. Thank you Eya.
      Poster, this here is the advice you were seeking. Please heed.

      Delete
  2. Wow! Your story ...got me thinking...'fix it Lord'
    My advice is, walk away from that relationship. If its giving you undue stress, please walk away. The things you did were in the past, long before you knew him right?
    He is not God so he has no right to condemn you, I also think that you need to start forgiving yourself and once you do that, everything would be just fine.
    No one is a saint, if he doesn't want you because of your past, someone else will!

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  3. Mistakes women make.did he also tel u his own past? Mcheww!

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  4. My dear walk away from him and like madam Eya said keep ur past a secret everybody has a past and all the things u did doesn't make u a bad person u don't owe him or anyone explanation cos it's BTW u and God,this guy will not marry u even if he planned to before he has changed his mind and now he's just gonna keep abusing u and beating you until he dumps you so my sister look for a job to do,build ur career at the same time pray and search for Mr right cos even if u succeed in getting this guy to marry u,u will never enjoy d marriage cos he will keep holding this over your head for d rest of ur life.

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  5. Anty Eya, anty Adaeze n chinny thanks for saying my mind. It's so true dt most of us women love with only our hearts n forget our head. Anyway they have said it all. Leave the guy mbok. He is not ur God to forgive u or not. Besides he doesn't even luv u. Some people pick prostitute marry n love dem whole heartedly. Mbok face ur life. Move on

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  6. As a woman you should know that it is not okay to tell a guy about your past relationships. Men easily get jealous and might not be able to handle such information, even when it happened in the past so the best thing is for you to keep mute on such things. There is nothing like been dishonest or honest here, never tell a guy about how many guys you have slept with, or who deflowered you or stuffs like that. Even if you have to talk about it make sure, you say it in a way that will not make you look like a bad girl. Telling your boyfriend you had a threesome was absolutely wrong no matter how honest you want to be to him. Having said that, I think it is time for you to move on. Your relationship with your boyfriend ended the day you told him those things, no matter how much he says he loves you. The fact that he knows you have had a threesome and it turns out that you had the threesome with people within his circle means that he is never ever going to take you serious. He is probably hanging on to you now for a reason. So my advise for you is to move on with your life. Try to get a job and don't allow anybody not even your mum put you under any pressure. By the time you start working you may probably meet somebody who will love you much more than you are getting now. Just learn to keep your mouth shut next time and also please stay away from stuffs and alcohol, it is obvious they are not good for you. Wish you all the best. Cheers

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  7. Hello poster, please send me a mail on emicolsy@gmail.com, I am a lady and can totally relate with your situation, I understand you and will never judge you, you need a friend who you can confide in and will be a good friend and not an acquitance. Please send me a mail. Be well.

    ReplyDelete

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