I Have Done All The Begging And Trying That I Can With My Husband Over The Past 12 Years

Hello, wives connection bvs and my dear Eya, please help. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, we have two children. Ages 12 and 10. He also has a daughter from a previous marriage who is 14, who he really does not have a relationship with. (That is a whole different heartbreaking story).
So anytime we have the slightest disagreement he demands
that I move out, calls me horrible names and on a very rare occasion has been physical with me. He has had 3 different times that I caught him texting other women (girls in their early twenties). He has shown very little remorse for these issues. The minor issues are causing major fights and the fights are getting to be more and more often. And no, the fights are not about his past indiscretions, I am not allowed to speak of those.. apparently they were my fault anyways.
Every fight we have of course goes back to s+x and the fact that I do not give him enough of it. Honestly I feel like a whore who isn't doing her job, because I do not think he really wants anything else from me. He says if I would do it three times a week he would be happy. But he has never been happy. NEVER
At this point it is very clear that he no longer loves me, and at times tells me so. I am at a point where I just want to be loved. It hurts too bad to stay. Because I do still love him and I feel so empty and hungry for love. I feel that if Iseparate,  got out I could heal and be just fine without a man at all. I used to cry over the fact that I didn't feel loved by my husband, or he was mad at me, or I was scared of losing him. Now when I cry it is just that I know the only real love I have is from my God and my children.
The major issue here is that after he makes these threats I have two problems..
one is when I start looking for somewhere to go he gets angry and places blame on me. As if I were the one who wanted it all to end to begin with. He says if I leave, that the kids will lose everything, he will withdraw every form of assistance. So I stop looking and start trying again and again, only to be disappointed.
The second issue is my children. I love them more than life itself and I don't want them hurt. In the past couple of years my husband has no longer tried to hide the fights or his feelings about me from the children. In the past two years they have heard him call me names, heard him tell me to leave and seen him get physical with me at least once.
The children both freak out and get very emotional at the thought of us divorcing. My daughter has said "I cannot live if you and daddy are not together" My son's more emotional than he has ever been and so is my daughter. I feel like I am damaging my children and that is killing me inside.
I don't want to leave and be selfish. I want my kids to be happy. I want them to be healthy. I want them to have healthy relationships one day and I know this is destroying their chances of having healthy relationships in the future.
So, I don't know what to do. Continue to live like this until the children leave for Schools? Leave and risk them hating me or causing them damage? (of course I would not leave them, I would take them). Ive done all the begging and trying with my husband that I can over the past 12 years.. so please realize that I am now empty when it comes to him. Sometimes he lures me back, but it is always brief.. and I am always full of caution. It's so confusing and hard for me. Please any advice will do.


  1. Anonymous11/29/2015

    Poster i know you may think staying in an abusive marriage may help your children, the truth is in the short run it will but in the long run it wont. imagine the example you are setting for your son or daughter, i hope you are constantly telling them that this is not what marriage should look like. the way i see it you have about 4 or 5 years to get your act together, that is save money to send your kids to university and after that time has passed if he asks you to leave, dont waste time looking for a place, dont even pack anything except your essesntials, wait for him to leave. honestly i think he keeps telling you to leave because he actually doesnt think you can. My husband tried that with me once, the speed at which i packed my stuff shocked him and i was about to grab my car keys and leave before he started begging.....men can be so silly

  2. MY dear in as much as i do not like divorce or seperation, i will encourage u to stop all this pleading and begging. it doesnt usually help with abusive men but rather encourages them to maltreat u the more. they will view u as a desperate weak nobody with no self respect for your self. I have been there for 18 years before i broke free. it wasnt easy, but i did otherwise my marriage would have destroyed me and my children.
    start now to plan your life without him, I might not agree to divorce but seperation form him is crucial for your sanity and that of your children. if he changes in future all well and good, but bear in mind that abusive mean only change by the miracle of God. Plan your life without him, start doing good things that make u happy, socialize more , try new things dreess neatly and appear happy all all times, when he sees that u are doing really well without him, that will shock him. if he is not willing to be a loving father and husband you deserve, please draw closer to God, ignore him and move on. Obama was raised by a single mum, Ben Carson was also raised by a single mum and many more. you can do it if he is not willing to work along with u. Goodluck

  3. Enough of the pleading and begging already! Do you have a source of income? Can you rent an apartment or a small flat? My dear, take your children and go! It may seem hard now but your corpse can't raise your children. If this man has been threatening you to leave, then it's high time you do so in order to find peace and happiness.
    Speak to your family about it to and ensure that you have their support! All will be well.

  4. This is serious, poster i think you need to try separation and take it up from there. meanwhile keep praying, the heart of the king is in the lord's hand. God can still change him. all the best dear.


  5. poster, i think you need to separate from him for a while. above all, keep on praying. no situation is too big for God.


  6. Hello poster, now I do agree with all here that has advised that this is serious. However I want us to be very careful here as the poster started her narrative from 'anytime we have the slightest disagreement he asks me to ...'. Now all the advice is ok, however we need to tread carefully as our advice could make better or mar the situation. My reason, she has not told us about her faults, is she perfect? How did 13years come to this? She must have been hurting over the years from the guy's various infidelities, how was it handled? what is the part the in-laws has played in this? Did you have a job before marriage, if you gave it up, how? If you are still working what does your work hour look like? Are you both Christians, if so is at least one of you a bible believing Christian? Have you ever been unfaithful emotionally or physically? Can you say your home is well kept and finally do you keep on top of your looks, which with the number of kid I know is difficult but you still got to look pleasant and fairly sexy. So my dear, without this details which is not easy to place all on screen I will advice at this point to follow all the advice that says slow down and try to work this out, if Christians the Christian way as long as you can get the violence out of the equation. Your sex life with hubby is at base, if its that mechanical its not overnight, is sex still interesting at all? I can answer for you from your tempo, how about him? Please,please understand me, I am not trying to assist by looking inward, if we cant find what brought out the untoward attitude from your husband then sincerely you might start looking at a future without him, but please exhaust all the options. There is much more to this case because your home is an ongoing counselling issue. I have to run now. I pray your home settles. Yeah I almost forgot, and this goes to all women, next time a man yell often move out of my home , tell him to follow the process by which he moved you in. Your people, dowry ......and even a separating party inviting all friends and family.

    1. Anonymous11/30/2015

      thanks. O.k. to answer your questions. ... ..No bros am not perfect at all.
      And yes I have been hurting over his previous infidelities because he doesn't know how to have a conversation. Evrrytime I try to raise the matters we end up arguing and leaving angrily with issues still unresolved. Yes I had a job but gave it up to take care ot my family. We are bible believing Catholics. It's just too much abeg

  7. Ok my dear I feel you. Now I always say when a marriage fails let it be such that when you look back in future you can tell yourself its ok cos you did everything possible to prevent it. In this light now you have come to this blog for help and now that I know you are Christians I would start by saying that you should remember God speaks through man, hence please take a chill pill and try just once more as long as there is no immediate danger to your life. Divorce is not pleasant and I have seen it destroy the academic runs of erstwhile bright children. Have you tried counselling? He is short tempered you indicated, have you tried the middle of the night talk after giving him his best meal before bed? Have you pleaded with him using the children's angle? Are there reasonable family elders that he respects? Have you tried telling yourself before going into any discussion with him that you will not raise your voice no matter what? I know its easy to say leave joor.....what nonsense, but my dear the truth is that your husband can turn around to be the best later, I don't know why most men in the 30 t0 45 age range are driven by their third leg but prayer is a powerful tool and believe me at 52 years I know what I am saying. Finally, get that job back it will boost your self esteem, and if at the end all does not work, get a life before its too late. God bless.


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