For 5 Years Living Together, Nothing Changes, Should I Go On With This Wedding?

Dear Aunty Eya, I  need you to post a little something for
me on the WC blog please. At this point in my life,  I don't want to waste any more time,neither do I want to go the wrong direction due to my foolishness.  I have been thinking lately about my future if things continue this way. I will sincerely appreciate the opinions of other blog visitors. I need to do something either move on, backwards,  sideways or anyway rather than just remain stagnant while the clock ticks along.

I've been with my current partner for about 5 years. We are due to get married in 5 months time, just before or after easter 2016. Please don't judge me for living with him. No one is perfect here. We didn't think it will drag this long and my mum is not complaining. 
Now, I don't know if i do want to marry him. He is a really nice guy and does have a lot of good points but there are loads of things, some little and others not so little that really bother me. I don't know if i'm staying with him because I've been with him for so long and its better the devil you know kinda thing. We did split up a year ago but after a few months of being apart i realised how much i missed and loved him. I told myself that although there are things in our relationship that bother me i'd rather put up with them than not have him in my life at all. For a while things were all well but now the doubt is starting to creep in again.
For starters - The planning of the wedding. I asked him at the very start if he would like me to plan the wedding of if he would like to do it together. He told me he wanted to be a part of planning the wedding which i was happy with. Hes done NOTHING! I've had to plan all the appointments and make all the decisions. An example of this is - We had planned to go wedding cake shopping so i asked him about 1 week before if he could have a look at cakes and pick out the kinda thing he would like so we could give the cake people and idea of what we both wanted. He didn't bother looking and turned up to the appointment without a clue. This is just an example, its much the same with everything else. I've tried saying things like could you please think about who you would like to invite and get back to me by the end of next month and he never gets back to me. Every so often he will tell me needs to look at whatever it is i've asked him about but he never gets back to me with an answer.
Then there is his job - he had a breakdown about a year ago because he was so stressed out at work. We discussed what he should do i.e get another job or stay where he is. To begin with he said he was going to get another job then after a few months off sick from work he decided he would stay where he is. Every so often he mentions that he isn't happy with his job. I keep telling him that the problem isn't going to fix its self, its not going to magic itself better. He either needs to speak to his boss and sort things out or he needs to get another job. I know that easy for me to say but he does absolutely nothing to help himself.
Then there is the fact he smokes weed. I knew this from the very start and make it quite clear that i wasn't happy with it. He would tell me that hes going to give it up over and over again, he wouldn't and i would go mad. He would just hide it from me and go to his friends. As the time went on i stopped going mad (coz there was no point, it made no difference) and then he started doing it in the house, which i hate as i cant stand the smell of it. As he smokes it in the kitchen i'm often left in the living room by myself for about half an hour so i just get fed up sitting on my own and end up going to bed. We cant really afford for him to be spending all this money on it, we have a wedding to pay for but he doesn't seem to be worried. I've tried everything to stop this habit - going mad, not going mad, not speaking to him, talking to him calmly and all i get is the same response - i need to stop and i will. Nothing changes!!
Then there is the sex - i think its been at least a year since we last had any. Its maybe once or twice a year for the last 5 years. Hes mentioned it recently and i told him i always go to bed on my own so what does he expect. I would have thought he would come to bed with me after that but hes either out or stays up and watches tv.
Then there is the little things. He is so laid back i cant stand it at times. He does try at times, every night he does the dishes though. The furniture wont fit in the garage because when we had the bathroom taken out about 4 months ago instead of taking the rubbish to the tip he put it in the garage so there is no room. I would do this myself but the bags of rubbish are too bloody heavy. Its like this with pretty much everything, hes never in a rush to do anything. I will mention something once then after that (i dont want to nag) i will just leave it and its never gets done. Its fine when its little things but when its money going to waste coz your just plain lazy it really gets on my nerves.
He does have a lot of good points - he will tell me he loves me every day, tells me i'm beautiful (even when i look a mess), kiss me goodbye in the morning before work and go to the shop for me when i fancy a piece of chocolate while watching a film at the weekend. I'm not sure its enough. He follows me to church on Sundays when he feels like it and never drops any mkney for offertory because he is not ready to further enrich stinkingly rich pastors. I pay my tithes and offering for God to keep blessing us, he has all the money, enough to be grateful to God, yet wont pay tithe. He is generous and kind towards  me, so why cant he give to God who gives us the strength to make wealth? My Dad is late, my mum and the rest of my family love him to bits and think hes the best thing since sliced bread. 
Overall he is a good guy, he treats me good, never raises his voice to me or anything like that. What should i do? Should i stay and try works things out or should i go before we get any further into planning this wedding???
I  need to get married as soon as possible. In the past, twice I turned down his proposals cos of my studies, yet he waited although not without ups and downs. In the future, with age and family responsibilities, will I cope better or will things go downhill? Should I listen to my family or just follow my worried instincts,  I don't know.
Please be brutally honest in your reply's

Comments

  1. Anonymous11/12/2015

    I like how you expressed yourself freely. You are clearly understood girl. A lot of times in the history of marriages, men aren't interested in planning weddings, so it's probably not significant. and there's the fact that he smokes weed so is likely to forget stuff.
    But, it doesn't sound like he wants to marry you either.
    Why don't you set him free?
    Do you really only want to have sex twice a year for the rest of your life?
    I think, when you've left once, you have left for good. Even if you go back. Sure you miss him, you love him, you must be very fond of each other after all those years. It's like losing a member of your family. But you will get over it.
    Let each other go. If you don;t do it now you will do it in two, five years maybe. By that time you might regret the years you wasted.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, I like what anon 13:05 said. You see, somethings are actually excusable, such as his disinterest in planning the wedding, perhaps he's busy planning your comfort in marriage. Then the part where he smokes, Erm.. you see, how do I put this, I have an aunt, who's been married for 10yrs now. She met her husband a smoker, and they have an enviable marriage. Uncle is an intelligent gentle man to the core. He recently bagged his doctorate degree. He still smokes. Lots of my aunts friend envy her alot. And you know what? My aunt is so confident her husband will not die a smoker. She would say, let him smoke all he wants, I have an agreement with God concerning his life.

    But then, sentiment apart, there are somethings that should be dealt with before venturing into marriage. Divorce shouldn't be an option for you. Its either you're in or you never went in.

    So ask yourself and be honest with yourself, looking at this guy pros and cons, can you live with both? Can you tolerate his bad side for the rest of your life? Can you stand the fact that he's laid back? Pls bear in mind that you can't change him, you are not the Holy Spirit, you can only pray for him.

    Hence, if he continues all what you listed above, say for the next 10yrs, and he doesn't touch you, he can't take decisive decisions, still can't stand his ground, would you still be willing to be his wife?

    Thank God he's even generous and kind. As for him not tithing, you have to pray that God opens his eyes so he sees how deep he's been cheating himself. Its his loss if he doesn't give back to God. If you eventually decide to marry him, I advise you should start paying on his behalf. That was how Abigail saved her husband from David wrath.

    As a young lady,I would advise you to deliberately fast and pray about this. The grass is always greener on the other side. You have no idea how worse other guys are.
    However, there is no problem that God doesn't have a solution to. Hence, seek Him first.

    3days fasting and intense prayer will present the answer you need. Try it. It works. Don't use common sense to answer deep questions. Its your life eventually. And don't forget, you owe your children an amazing father.

    May God grant you the answers to your questions.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous11/13/2015

    Marry him, just know that already you have one baby before you actually start giving birth. Seriously, though this guy seems to love you but you shouldnt marry him without him growing up. Can you live apart for a while? Can you let him know without fighting him that unless there are changes, you don't think you should marry just yet.
    And the sex is a big deal!!!! I'm surprised that a weed smoking guy is not more interested in sex. There might be something else going on, it could even be medical.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You have already been physically married for five years, that means you can marry him. You will need tolerance o cos he won't change. Whatever you have tolerated and survived for five years has already set the tempo and culture for your family. He might promise you he will change but can he? That is him.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hmmmm so many challenges up and down. Life itself is a challenge. Firstly I ll advice u do a one month prayer and fasting before your marriage. 2ndly are you ready for twice a year sex? How do kids come? 3rdly is only what you allow that will stay. Cheers

    ReplyDelete

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