I Hate My Son Now, How Do I Change It Please?

[04:15, 23/06/2015] : Anty Eya.
[04:15, 23/06/2015] ‪: Goodmorning ma.
[04:16, 23/06/2015] ‬: I guess it's easier to reach you here than mail.
[04:16, 23/06/2015] ‬: Bikko read and post this asap. It's urgent and important.
[04:16, 23/06/2015]‬: HELP, I DNT LOVE MY SON.


I'm not going to bore you with the very long story, help is what I need and help is what I'm asking. But for clarity sake, permit me give you a brief summary of the entire story as it is.
I'm a single mum,my son is 9 years old and im 19years older than him. I'm a very dutiful mother. Right from pregnancy till now, the irresponsible man I got pregnant for hasn't contributed up to 10,000N in this boys life. He is the only regret I have in my entire life, I wish he wasn't the father of my son.

I have loved this child right from pregnancy, when I held him in my hands as a baby for the first time, I loved him more, as a toddler, I still loved him silly. He was my entire world, I lived for him. Until.... well, until his father yanked him from me at the age of 3yrs, and went to dump him with his elder sister...story for another day.
I prayed and fasted, I kept in touch with the sister, id send money, food, sch fees, etc. In short, I was still there as a mother for my son. I kept praying for his return,17months later, the aunt miraculously returned my son to me, without me asking him.

The love of a mother knows no bound, but when I saw my son, he looked so unhealthy. I couldn't believe it. This was a child that was very chubby and healthy before he was taken away. They returned a healthy soul but sick body to me. What could I do? He was my son, my first.Love drove me to action.I took him and nursed him back to health. And it was indeed a battle, cos for another 3years, I kept treating one boil, and rashes after the other.... too long a story... Thank God. He's whole now.

Hate is such a strong word to use here. No,that's not what I feel for this child right now. I just don't  like him. I dnt love him either. I dont have feelings for him. Don't get me wrong. God has really helped me. My son attends one of the best private school in my area. I buy good clothes for him, feed him well, he has a private tutor, cos we stay together,he's also smart too. Damn, im to Damn well a dutiful mother.
But,Deepdown, I can't bear to show him affectionate love. I dnt know when this thing started, 3yrs ago?
4yrs ago? It crept in subtly. I get angry with him at the slightest misbehavior. I should look away sometimes right? It's what mothers do, they dnt always talk and react at their kids nuttiness. Not me. I just can't look away. I always talk, I would talk and hurt him with words, unkind words sometimes. I'd remind him of how irresponsible his father is, how he should know he is fatherless, how im the only one he's got and all...

God. I hate myself for saying those things to him, most times I try to make it up. I'd call him aside and talk to him heart to heart and all. But I end up repeating the same thing again two days later. Its a cycle of hurts. We are both hurting. I hurt him with my words alot, and I hurt myself to see him hurt, I hurt myself when I see him unhappy. Oh my,he's such a sweet boy. You could see all he wants to do is please me. He'd look sombre when I start my rants. He'd look genuinely sorry when he's done wrong. Most times he'd come back to tell me " mummy I'm sorry". He's a good child. I know.

As I type this, I have tears in my eyes.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I show love to my own child? I love other people children, we play, we talk, they ask me questions and I answer. But when my son does, I answer 2 out of 10questions. Most time I shout him down. I want to reach out to him, I want to share his life with him, his joys,his challenges at school, and all. No, im not a monster, we talk. No, he's not scared of me o. He walks up to me anytime, he's quite free with me. The only times he rocoils is when I lash out. But when I'm back to normal, he comes out of his shell. He's such a forgiving child. And a happy one too. But lately,... hmm. lately... he seems to be withdrawing.
Pls, im crying out for help. I had to cry out before I self destruct myself and him alongside. Thank God, I dnt have killer thots toward him yet. But, who knows what will happen if I dnt seek for help now. If I had cried out for help earlier, wouldn't this have been nipped in the bud? It's growing. I dnt want to kill my son, im killing him emotionally now. I have prayed about it. I'm tired of this cycle.How do I melt this heart of stone towards my own child? I have not asked for insults and bashing. I need help. I need advice. I need counsel.
I WANT to love my child and I want to show it.
I dnt just want to be dutiful, I Want to be a loving mother too.
I want love to be my propeller, not duty.
But I Cnt. I cnt give what I dnt have. I dnt love him, hence I can't love him.
I WANT TO.

Could it be cos I dnt love my own self? I'm a thriving young lady.God has been helping me. But I just dnt see anything good in myself, I dnt see myself as pretty( of which a lot of people say I'm a stunner, you should see me).No, im neither married nor in any relationship. No,I dnt want to blame it on the fact that I grew up under a father who was never home, ( parents divorced when I was young...story for another day).
Please, JUST HELP ME. Maybe God has been speaking to me, but I'm too BLIND to HEAR.
Maybe he'd open my EARS to SEE what's he's saying tru this platform.
I await response. Godly responses too. Advise me as mothers, advise me as a sister. Advise me as a friend. But dnt advise me like I'm evil. Co[truncated by WhatsApp]

Comments

  1. Anonymous6/23/2015

    You are just a wicked soul.c all d excuses ur making for hating a child that did not ask to be born..u think your not a monster?ur hurting?...d 9yr old child that is apparently confused nko,who will he write to.who will give him advice as ur seeking advice..before you put a knife in him oneday from anger n hatred that has consumed you please give him up for adoption or put him in boarding school.i cant even imagine what he is going through.my heart bleeds bcos i can relate to what he must be going through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/23/2015

      N u r a fool,cant u see its not intentional as she's cryin for help? Plz get lost jor mumu level 70

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/24/2015

      And i concur with anon 22:35. Anon 16:29, cant u see that the poster is hurting, seeking for help?

      Delete
    3. Anonymous6/24/2015

      Anon 16:29,gosh!what trained you?you sound bitter and angry @ d world.fyi the poster in not d Cause of ur woes.judgemental fool

      Delete
    4. Anonymous7/16/2015

      Dear Anon please dont be too quick to judge. The woman is not at all a wicked soul at all. Shes going through something serious psycologically that she herself may or may not be aware of. People are too quick to judge others these days is the problem. We should be more understanding is something I have learnt. But for the mom please the first thing is turn inward. You have to change your thought patterns it is so so so important or teust me you will set some things in motion you will never ever be able to correct. You will equally mess up your sons life as well as your own in future. Please cherish what you have and most important TELL GOD TO SHOW YOU THE WAY.

      Delete
  2. Wow! This is deep! My dear poster, I think you are building up all the hatred you had for the boy's father. I also think that somehow, deep down, you feel that your son has hindered you from somethings in life. Things like, marriage, being in a good relationship, maybe getting a very good job, being carefree e.tc
    I am glad you spoke about it here but I'll suggest that you pray about it and talk to a therapist or counselor about it. You need to rid yourself of the hate that's building up within you before your child grows into an adolescent and starts detesting you.
    You are a courageous woman and I admire you for that. Everything will be fine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1 million likes!
      I think you're also courageous to ask for help knowing you'll be judged and rather harshly too.
      You need to speak to a therapist and a God-called counsellor.
      You definitely are transferring the hate you have towards his dad to him.
      I wish I could appeal to your innate maternal side and ask to you draw out that unconditional love that I believe is inherent in every mother - if only for your innocent child who you'd end up breaking if you carry on like this- but you already seemed to know all these so please speak to a counsellor.
      Please, and don't stop praying.
      A little self help whilst you're at it, refrain from saying even ONE unkind word to him and if you do, please do well to call him back after to, not only apologise but to cancel whatever effect that word may have in his life and consciously BLESS him- for that very moment - even if the hate is choking you.

      Then, begin to tell him that you love him. Tell him EVERY TIME - if the hate wants to choke you, better it chokes you than to hurt this child further.
      Keep forcing yourself to do these things that you feel you can't do- trick your mind into loving your child again.

      In all of this, don't stop praying.
      God will infuse your heart with love for your child.

      Delete
    2. Dear poster, this is exactly what I came here to type, please read it and other comments and get help ok?

      Delete
    3. And, please, if you feel or think that you are on your way to having "killer thoughts" towards your son, Abeg, no vex eh, but just go to an orphanage and drop him there or find out how you can give him out to a good family for adoption.
      Please.

      Delete
  3. Wow this is a tough one.. I think you already know what's wrong, deep down we all know what's wrong with us but we always prefer to transfer our anger on the person close to us.. yes life didn't go the way you planned it but that's why it's called life, adress your situation and stop pouring it on your child before you loss him both physically and mentally.. you have to understand that as a parent whatever you do to your child they would forever remember.... my mum once told me that she hates me and that night I cried, but she was bold enough to come to me and explain her situation about how things was hard for her and how at that moment she was venerable and how she loved me beyond life and promised me she would never hurt me that way again... you better understand your problem now before it is too late be it the fact that you got pregnant at an early age or unplanned to a nonchalant man or the fact that you are not at the place you thought you would be at this stage of your life ( not married ) before you destroy the most beautiful bond you would ever have with someone in this life .. just don't make him resent you later in life that's why I would always advice you to adress your own person situation .. have a blessed day and always pray and with time things would work out for you..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous6/24/2015

    poster, there is hatred and bitterness in your life towards yourself, your son and the father of your son. you opened the door of your heart to the devil to rule of your life and he knows the best way to hurt and ruin your life is through your son.

    first thing you need to do is forgive yourself, 2. forgive your son and 3. forgive the man. without this you won't make progress.

    finally you have to fast and pray against 1. every alter of hatred in my life, every alter of hatred in my heart 2. pray against every alter of bitterness in your life/ heart and lastly pray against the idol of hatred and bitterness that is ruling over your life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous6/24/2015

    poster, there is hatred and bitterness in your life towards yourself, your son and the father of your son. you opened the door of your heart to the devil to rule of your life and he knows the best way to hurt and ruin your life is through your son.

    first thing you need to do is forgive yourself, 2. forgive your son and 3. forgive the man. without this you won't make progress.

    finally you have to fast and pray against 1. every alter of hatred in my life, every alter of hatred in my heart 2. pray against every alter of bitterness in your life/ heart and lastly pray against the idol of hatred and bitterness that is ruling over your life.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous6/24/2015

    poster, there is hatred and bitterness in your life towards yourself, your son and the father of your son. you opened the door of your heart to the devil to rule of your life and he knows the best way to hurt and ruin your life is through your son.

    first thing you need to do is forgive yourself, 2. forgive your son and 3. forgive the man. without this you won't make progress.

    finally you have to fast and pray against 1. every alter of hatred in my life, every alter of hatred in my heart 2. pray against every alter of bitterness in your life/ heart and lastly pray against the idol of hatred and bitterness that is ruling over your life.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous6/25/2015

    Just Caution yourself, i understand this feeling, i was a single mother then too, i took it out on the little boy, but after sometime, i realize he wasnt the problem, his father not loving me enuff to marry me was the problem. my boy is 10 now, i love and care for him just as much as my other children. am proud when i see him. talk to God, talk to you self, you can overcome this hatred.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous6/25/2015

    And Poster u need to be happy to make another happy. love your self. the right man will come i bet you. Thank God you can provide for your son. dont make him lose his self esteem and seek bad company, love him and tell him God is his father. Forgive your self, trip your self and him. You can Win this battle!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Madam please can you dash me ur son.pls I'll love him already.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'll drop my contact with eya.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Look madam dis is d opportunity u have to get close to your son.try very hard to pray with him.u can't hate ur blood please. Start by speaking positively into his life.sit him down nd tell him how much u love him. Do things together like cooking playing nd anything dt makes u both happy.finally madam. , fall on your face nd talk to God. .In short I need ur contact.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous6/25/2015

    I believe you love your son deeply. You seeming "hatred" for him is arising because of the pain you felt when he was taken away from you. You are trying to protect yourself from ever feeling that way again. I advise that you go for counselling.

    ReplyDelete
  13. The good thing you have done is shouting out for help because you really need it. Firstly you need to attend a good church were good family values are taught. Secondly get help through a psychologist because it's easy to say you are transferring hatred for his father to him, but I sincerely feel it's more and only a trained person can help you get to the root. Thirdly my dear love yourself, cos if you don't you can't love others. You can't share what you don't have. Fourthly, learn to pray and pray for your son. You are looking at your future and hating it. I pray God helps you to resolve this quick

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/29/2015

      You are right. Poster kindly see a psychiatrist, not just a psychologist. I know you won't believe it, but it's a type of mental illness and it isn't your fault at all. Get help from the nearest psychiatric hospital immediately before you do something you will regret.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous7/01/2015

      I can relate with your feelings. Pray to God to soften your heartt twds ur son and try see a counseor/therapist. Here are 3 good ones I knw: mrs Bankole- 08174008459, will send the others later. They r. On my other phone. God bless u

      Delete
  14. Quite a sad story. Some counselling and soul searching is definitely required.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My dear sister, I am not in your shoes but I know something, if you will look inwards and choose to forgive the father of your son for all the hurts he has caused you, and see him the way God sees us, the love for your treasured son will rush back to you. You might assume it's been a while but you still hurt deeply dear. Pray and ask God to teach you how to forgive, and you will be fine.
    e hugs and kisses

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous7/01/2015

    The first And main thing to do is Forgive ursef n d father of ur child.U wil b Amazed to c how d hAtred flee from ur heart

    ReplyDelete

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