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Stress From My Husband's Cousin, I Need Help

Good day aunt eya, please hide my ID. I have been married for about 5months now and my husbands cousin has been living with us since we got married. Tho they were staying together before we got married, we talked about this issue several times before getting married and he promised the guy was going to move out but when our wedding drew close about 3months to the date when I reminded him about the issue he shouted and raised hell dat d boy wasn't going anywhere that if he's my sibling will I throw him out bla bla.
This boy in question is a full grown adult probably in his late 20's tho he is yet to finish with his university education. The issue

here is the boy does series of things that gets on my nerves eg he will eat and drop his plate for me to come & wash, bring his friends over eat my soup dat I cooked and still have the guts to leave his plates & friends for me to wash *tho I put a stop to the dumping of plates immediately* it goes on and on it just gets to me how he just opens my pot & takes what eva he likes whenever, when I report to

 my husband he shouts at me and tells me am being childish I should learn to remove my eyes from things, I know am not perfect but God knows I try. am tired of having arguments with my husband over this guy am not free in my own house can't wear anything or do anything I like as a newly married couple I have to be dressing like nun up and down in the house ( all these I pointed out to my husband like 2months ago) he promised to get an apartment for

the guy but now he don change mouth everytime I remind him about wat he promised na serious shout. Please I need advice on wat to do should I keep quiet and look or keep voicing out wat am not comfortable wit.

Comments

  1. It must be really uncomfortable for you but for the sake of peace try to endure, he will not leave with you forever. Since your hubby is already screaming at you after only 5 months of marriage you may need to tread softly and let the guy leave on his own

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  2. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Be patient at least when he is through with school you can ask him to leave,if he was your brother will you be complaining like this.

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  3. My dear try to tolerate d guy I knw is not easy bcs am passing thru same tin som how but learn to remove ur eye frm somtins so as to be happy,thou I hve neva told my hubby to tell his cousin to leave bcs mst times I try to reason too if d guy ws to be my own broda ll my hubby ask him to leave and my dear no one knws tomorw,dt guy in qus.might be of a grt help to U guys tomorw,so dear try and accomdate him and try to be free wit d guy too,take him as Ur broda and maybe try to tell him wat U dnt like dt he does in a gud manner and U ll see tins ll change and u guys ll get along jst fine.relax dear,he ll not stay wit U guys 4eva.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous2/04/2014

      @ Stephanie,U are a good woman with a good heart, U jus said my mind cos I wonder how a woman shld tell d hubby 2 ask his cousin 2 Leave dia house, D guy is not goin 2 stay wif u 4eva, so tolerate n b Patience wif him, Nobody knws 2mrw oo, u will bear children n dey will hv cousins 2. Look unto d Brighter side of Life Poster, n worry less on tins dat don't hv meaning. U can call him n Talk 2 him abt ur grudges. Mk Peace cos Life's 2 Short.

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  4. Anonymous2/03/2014

    You people that are agreeing with her husband and asking "if it was your brother would you ask him to leave" should really take a step back and think about it.
    1) Would her own brother leave plates for her to wash in the sink?
    2) Would her own brother come and disrespect her in her own house and leave her with no recourse?
    If it was her own brother she would be able to reprimand him properly. However, because it's her husband's cousin she doesn't feel comfortable to
    So pity her situation!

    ideally, she should not have agreed to enter the man's house with another man living there. This is what happens when couples don't communicate properly. She probably kept quiet thinking she shouldn't say too much as a woman. now she's suffering in silence.

    The fact that she can't even walk around comfortably because a strange man lives there is just so unfair. She should be able to walk around in sexy negligees for her hubby. After all is she not a newlywed?! Newlyweds should be busy enjoying jerusalem trips in EVERY room of the house. instead she's waling about like a prisoner.

    Or maybe you all are waiting for the boy to make a pass at her, before you'll understand her situation. hmm. Maybe she should tell her husband the boy made passes at her (i'm just joking). I'm sure he'll kick him out FAST!

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    1. Anonymous2/04/2014

      Yes oooo,i dey feel you with the jerusalem trips of a thing! Its a slang on babes redefined on facebook.Gud to see u here,babes.

      Delete
  5. marian O2/03/2014

    Since you have told your husband from the begining and he did not do anything about it and till now don 't let that cause misunderstanding between you and your husband, he might be imagining what kind of wife is this, just go on your knee and tell God to touch the heart of your husband and pray to be able to tolerate the guy and let him leave in peace, men don't like it when you can not accomodate their people just be wise about it. And don't let it be a conflict between you and your husband and as for the cousin communicate how you want things to be running in your home, communicate with love and don't let him suspect you don"t ever wants him around when the time comes he will leave,

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  6. Anonymous2/03/2014

    My advice is that u try and look the other way for now. Your problem is not the young man but your husband who has refused to see reason with you. But all hope is not lost. My elder sister had the same issue in the early years of her marriage with her sister in-law who was way older than her. When all effort to convince her husband to get her an apartment of her own failed on deaf ears, (by the way she was a teacher in a military school and still is) we went to God in prayer and the prayer point we raised was that God should put a confusion between her and the brother. Lo and behold two of them traveled to the village one Xmas (my sister did not go with them) and the Almighty God took over. They had a very serious brawl and the brother barred her from returning to his house and that was it till today.
    Just tell God what you want, and watch God in action. It is well with you.

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    Replies
    1. Will you be happy if someone said the same prayer for God to set confusion between you and your sister. Just so you know, my God is not the author of confusion, the devil is. So you better pray to God to amend the relation between your sis husb and his sister. You never know who may be of help to you

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    2. Anon: fear God ooooh! What kind of prayer is that? I would rather pray she gets married and leave my house.

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    3. Anonymous2/04/2014

      Rmbr wat goes around comes around, u prayed 4 confusion btwn siblings n u tink it was God dat ans dat Prayer? Smh! U r alrdy dinning wit d devil in Hell cos Ur heat is full of Evil n hatred. U had beta go ask God 4 4gvness n try reconcile ur hubby n his Sista

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  7. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Poster; thank you very much for the advice but I tell u am not the nagging type and I don't complain un-neccessarily @ people saying if he was my brother, if he was my brother at least he would be able to help me with somthings in the house not live in my house and not lift a finger. I have been praying, praying hard and I believe God will sort it all soon.amen

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  8. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Dear poster,I think you should try and be friendly with him.don't treat him like ur inlaw but like ur brother.that way u won't take all his wrong doings to heart.wen u are close,u can correct him and he won't feel bad.just be a big sis to him.he's nt goin to be with u forever.so tolerate him.when u show him love,he wil reciprocate and there wil be peace.don't give him a wrong impresion that u don't like him cos its a small world.lastly,pray for Gods intervention.

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  9. Anonymous2/03/2014

    My dear, I think u should talk to the guy in question,tell him to always help u remove his plate after eating and know what his reaction will be but talk to him in a gentle manner,I am living with my brother in-law and he was they when my husband married me, I don't wear any how dress, I don't do tins with my husband in the sitting room,at times the boy will start misbehaving thue just clock 20,I will call him and tell him that this thing he did is not right and he will tell me the reason why he did it may be he is tired or sick and for weeks he will not repeat it and if he do it again I will still caution him,like when he stopped sweeping the house and I was pregg,I called him and told him that I'm not well enough to bend down and sweep that he should pls help me in sweeping the house every morning,my dear he will sweep it in the morning and at times three times a day cos of the kids littering it with papper and food and for once I never told my husband that I don't like what his brother is doing,at times my husband will even be telling me to give the boy his cloth to wash and if I ask the boy to wash it he will do so without been angry but my dear their is alwasys a way to get what u want from people and mine is that I treat him as if he was my brother,he even prefer confinding in me than his brother,so my dear try and free ur self alittle to see the guy like ur brother and see if any thing changes.Good luck.

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    1. Excellent response. Just the right answer for the poster

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  10. Anonymous2/03/2014

    I agree with your husband dat u r childish. Reason? U call everything "my own pot, my own this and that". And then u forget that most grown men dont do chores, so i wonder y u expect him to do chores for u. Woma its ur home. I guess he sees dat his bro married u to be a home care taker not a nagger. My only advice for u is to grow up and think frok diff sides of a coin. Try and understand him. What is his upbringing like? How does he feel doing house chores with u around? Is he comfy with u? Or has he planned with his friends to always show u pepper cos ur own is too much by him. Instead of giving urself headache, cool down for Jesus and have fun in ur house. and see with ur hubby if he has funds to rent a place. Help ur hubby go house hnting with agents and bring it to him. Be nice to d guy. I am sure he is even more hell beny on leaving than u r.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous2/03/2014

      Lol I don't need him to do anything for me o.I just don't want anybody compounding the work I have to do and I say my pot because the kitchen is refered to as your kitchen please try and understand before you judge.

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    2. Anonymous2/03/2014

      You spoke my mind! Be tolerant and accommodating madam. Am 101% sure u hv bn frustrating the boy and ur husband knows too and thats why he keeps shouting at you. His stay with u is for a while and you too might need him someday so relax

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    3. Anonymous2/03/2014

      Excuse me but it is definitely HER pot. Can she not lay claim to things in her marital home again? What nonsense. And who says men don't do chores? Plenty of men do chores abeg. And somebody who is living in your house for FREE should definitely pitch in to help with chores. hab

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    4. Anonymous2/03/2014

      Huh? Who said men don't do chores? And you are living in my house... Please!
      My 2 brother inlaws live with us on and off when they close from school, 1 is 24, my age mate and the other is 21 and they do house chores, they sweep and clean the house,they wash plates, they run other errands that's comes up.

      You can't be in my house and be a liability to me, eating food FOC without contributing anything.

      Poster, I understand what you are going thru. Just be patient. This is Africa and this is one of those things we have to tolorate in marriage. Talk to the boy andtell him what he is not doing right. Don't shout at him while at it, be as gentle as possible. Don't be rude to him or treat him like a kid. Appeal to his concisence. I believe he will change. Goodluck

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    5. I am sorry that I've to disagree with you. Men can do chores, more so when it isn't your house. That kind of attitude stems from those who have the entitlement mentality. Even as a worker in a new town staying with a family temporarily, I helped out with the dishes occasionally. One definite thing is that I wouldn't leave my plate to be washed by the madam of the house. Why can't a undergraduate do more if I could do that? Let us do what we know is right and respect the position of the 1st lady of the house, even if we're older than them.

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  11. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Most women of today are so hostile that they dont want anybody in their home including mother in laws. When you marry an african man, you are married to his family too! Be friendly, open and stop finding faults and before you know it, both of you are best of friends and ur hubby will be happy with you

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  12. Anonymous2/03/2014

    That's why I'm an advocate of women wrking!!! Be industrious! Do sometin! Trust me u no go get time for who open your pot! On the other hand, it's just food for crying out loud! Haba!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous2/04/2014

      I do have a job and I work hard the more reason y its annoying after a long day @ work you come home to see things you don't want to see. I don't mind having a relative stay over @ a little later I just feel not now when myself and my husband are trying to blend our living habits together then there is another person to join also. Well I dont know about other people as a newly wed there are certain things you expect in your life and it just doesn't go down well when its not haappening how you want am not ready to feel like I have been maarried for 50years when its just 5months.I want to be able to do WHATEVER I want in my home and yes it is MY HOME. To those that gave reasonable advices thank you very much I will keep praying to God to do what is best in my marriage and those that are quick to lash out well.......... Poster

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  13. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Madam newlywed, pls biko be patient, it will come to pass, it always happen, d boy will not b wit u foreva, pls tolerate him, n ur prayer point shuld b, God shud bless him abundantly so that he can stand on his own. Pls endure, it's not an unusual situation. Pls ignore it all, d food taking without permission n d piling of work for u, pls do it, it's ur duty as a wife to do all these for ur husband n his people! It won't take anything from u. Pls b a humble wife. God wil bless u d more

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  14. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Madam newlywed, pls biko be patient, it will come to pass, it always happen, d boy will not b wit u foreva, pls tolerate him, n ur prayer point shuld b, God shud bless him abundantly so that he can stand on his own. Pls endure, it's not an unusual situation. Pls ignore it all, d food taking without permission n d piling of work for u, pls do it, it's ur duty as a wife to do all these for ur husband n his people! It won't take anything from u. Pls b a humble wife. God wil bless u d more

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  15. Anonymous2/03/2014

    Chai.....marriage no easy ooooooooooooo

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  16. Anonymous2/04/2014

    Poster for the fact that you started talking about the young man leaving even before you got married sends red flags to your husband and it shows that you just don't want anybody in your home no matter how good the person is. And I think right now the poor guy has adopted this bad behaviour just to get on your nerves.

    Forget about all your romantic imaginations of what you and your hubby will be doing after the wedding if you do not have a 3rd party in the house because you guys can still carry on. Forget about those sexy clothes you will be wearing for your darling. Forget about all your friends that told you they did not have a 3rd person in their homes during honeymoon because you do not know what else they have to deal with. If you piss off your hubby so much about this issue, there will be no romance for you o. Be careful because some men never forget the "bad things" you do in the early days of marriage. It may haunt you for the rest of your married life.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous2/05/2014

      One million likes....

      Delete
    2. Anonymous2/05/2014

      ROMANTIC INDEED HOW WILL THE ROMANCE COME WHEN U DON'T HAVE GOOD RAPOUR WITH HIS FAMILY

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  17. Your husband's cousin should realize you're a newlywed and find his own place to live. I understand what you're going through especially since you are a newlywed. I believe this is the best time for you and your hubby to spend time by yourselves and live alone without any distractions so you can get use to each other first, Unfortunately that's not the case.... I don't know what to tell you but maybe you should sit down with your husband and explain to him the real reason why you don't want his cousin there. Right now you are just complaining about the small annoying things. Let him know that you want to feel comfortable in your own home and spend time getting to know each other as husband and wife without any distractions. I'm sorry for you right now because the first few years of marriage are not easy and you need time with each other first.

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    1. Find his own place to live? Where & how? Was it stated anywhere that he is a worker that earns money? The first few years in marriage isn't easy but your attitude can make it better or worse. No two marriages are the same and everybody comes from their own unique background. Poster, be patient and accepting and then, lovingly correct what you don't like in your cousin's attitude. I said yours because the 2 of you have become 1 and you should try adopting your husband's family and friends as yours and vice versa. If you do that, then you would see that you have no situation in your home.

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    2. Well I think it's the right thing to do. If I knew ahead of time that my cousin was getting married (A NEWLYWED), I would do everything possible to find another place to live or look for another family member to live with. I don't think it's a good idea to have someone living with you when you are a newlywed. There are too many things they are trying to figure out themselves and to bring another person in the mix is asking for more stress.

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  18. Anonymous2/04/2014

    Ok oooooh! @ pple advising d poster to endure it.my own experience wasn't funny @ all. Men are always free with whomever stays with them bt its not always easy 4 women. Mine I accomodated dem,did every thing 4 dem bt d simplest thing,dey cannot do it 4 me 2 d extent dat I wash my car myself nd I will even give dem ride on d same car. Infact d day dat d bubble burst was d day I came bk from work 2 meet d generator on cos we usually run d generator all night,I calmly ask him why he is running d gen @ dat time of d day.he didn't say anything bt went straight and off d gen. Wen my husby came bk,I dnt even kn wat dey told him bt he was so angry with me dat he was shouting @ me in dia presence. To cut d story short,I and my husby quarelled 4 one wk nd I had to leave d house 4 dem . A wk later,he came 2 my parents house nd appologised.
    Third parties are not permitted in d house wen u guys are newly wed,there are some things that ur husby will want to do bt bc a third person is there,he will not do it so dat d third person will not tell pple @ home dat d wife is controlling him. Let d guy stay with other relatives till you guys have known urselves well.

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    1. Anonymous2/04/2014

      Pls tell dem o! Its those dat haven't bn in such situations dat will say endure. I tell u it isn't easy. These relations, God have mercy. Mine was hubby's bro who brought in gf, hubbyz cuz who'll share my food outside + bring her bf in while m sleeping or out 2 feed/habor him. All trying 2 be bosses in my home. Yes I endured but it got too bad. Evn d so caleed bro in-lawz gf started claiming madam. Enters my kitchen @ will 2 cook and all sorts. Evn spreading gossip abt me in d neighborhood. I endured 4 a longtime but I paid d price. My name was dented real bad. But God dey. He'll pay dem all back in der own coin. I used aggression 2 send all packing. Now I have my peace in my home. No1 steps in2 my home without my permission

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    2. I agree completely.

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  19. Anonymous2/04/2014

    All of u attacking d poster do u think it is easy living with hubby's relations esp in d 1st few years of marriage. Evn during marriage course b4 a wedding d counsellors advice couples 2 live alone in d 1st few years of marriage so as 2 know each other more b4 inviting relations. Its not easy @ all. It is just a few inlaws dat respect dem selves in ur home. Vry few. And yes it is her HOME. Pls poster set ur rules on how u want ur home 2 be run. No1 has a rite 2 dictate 2 u. If u don't start now u'll live 2 regret. Talking frm experience. And above all put evryting in2 God's hands. Iphy

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  20. My dear patient is the key,a woman does not get married 2 jt her hubby only u get married 2 d whole family what u r doing may bring family problem btw u nd ur inlaw,nd it may only mk ur marriage bitter,I av 2 of them living wit me nd de eatin lik pple dat fell frm 20story building they do thinks that piss me off bt I jt endure,even d way my inlaws do praise me I sense they belive am treating their children well nd rember u will bcom pregnant nd pt 2 bed that boy will help u in something wen u re weak

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  21. Dis stanley chuks is jst thr contradicting himself... Wc one u dey self.. Hian

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  22. Anonymous2/04/2014

    I feel u dear, u can subtly kick him out, outline specific chores for him in the presence of ur husband, eg please can u wash ur plate when u eat, tell him nicely, wash ur Bros clothes, carry on as newly weds in his presence, lie on ur oga's laps when watching TV, feed ur oga food, etc, he might feel uncomfortable or ur husband will be more aware of third party and be self conscious and rent a place for him.

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  23. get a very nice cupboard with huge padlock, or any other thing you can use to lock up your food after cooking, that way he will be forced to ask you for food. as for staying in your house, just stay out of his way since your husband gets mad at you when you bring it up, and pray that one day he will leave on his own. he is not going to stay with u forever, is he?

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous2/05/2014

      That's going to an extreme. I disagree with you. We, women should learn how to accommodate.this life is so short and one deserve to be happy

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  24. Anonymous2/04/2014

    am nt married o but i will NOT ALLOW ANY BODY TO STAY WITH US. NEVER! POSTER U HV TRIED O. KUDOS! SUM JUST CUM TO CAUSE PROBLEMS. This was what my elder sister xperience and she regrettd it

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  25. Anonymous2/05/2014

    I want the believe the young man staying with you is from the East! there is this believe that men don't do chores in Igboland. However, in my case, my husband newphew who lives with us came with this mentality but I made him to drop that thinking!. he learnt how to wash dishes, sweet etc in my home to the extent that one of his aunties that visited shouted that he didn't know this boy could sweep. All this was with support from my hubby anyway @Poster, pls talk the man in question and let him know the rules of the house like no dumping of plate in the sink, assisting with sweeting etc. You can do this one on one with the man without recourse to reporting to your husband. sometimes, to much complains to our husbands is not could. I am sure he will turn a new leaf.

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  26. Anonymous2/05/2014

    I really understand how you feel my dear. I've been married for 2 months and my husband's brother stays with us. My husband told me he was moving out before we got married, then after the wedding he asked me to give him a week but his brother is still with us. I have put my mind off it patapata. Sometimes I get so angry when I come home and meet my soup almost gone or I meet his friends in the house when I get home from work. I just talk to myself that its not worth it. Should I talk about their relatives tell him they are visiting and then pass the night, without informing me? You can imagine how it feels like being a stranger in your house. However, I don't allow that stop me from enjoying my husband and marriage. Things are not the way we think o, my dear. I will say I am very lucky, he washes his plates, he cooks when i am not around, he goes out in the evenings to give me and my husband space (except if there's football match). My advice, think of him as your spoilt brother who has no place to go, then you will see the difference, and please do not allow it get between you and your husband. Its not worth it.

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  27. Anonymous2/06/2014

    It is hard! H-A-R-D!!!! My husband invites family and friends over without telling me. Some invite themselves over. I've had to cook at 11pm because he didn't tell me someone was coming from Kaduna to stay. The last 2 weeker stayed almost 3 months. The other one has spent over 6 months under the guise of looking for a place. Now ge has moved his gf in with him. In this room. In my house. Redecorated the room. Refuses to eat my food when I'm home but she sneaks down to help herself when I'm out. Buys her own food and drinks and tooioes them in separate bags so we don't use them. In short, they have become tenants! Ion my first year of marriage. I finally stopped complaining and just ensured hubby noticed. Leaving plates for me to wash. Eating me out of house and home. 6 pieces of meat. No kidding! Soup don finish na. Frying half a crate of eggs at once. A whole can of milk at once! To all those saying it's just food, I have a set allowance for the month. When one person eats half of my allowance in a week, how do I handle it. I was using my money to supplement spending an extra 12k a week.

    As per the soup issue, I got tired of complaining to hubby. Poster, invest in a freezer and microwave if you don't already have them. Any soup or stew you cook should be portioned into plastic bowls. Put the smallest with one or two pieces of meat in the fridge and put the rest in the freezer immediately. I'm guessing you don't have a househelp. I warned mine to the hearing of all guests to never open my freezer. Install a lock on it or politely tell your in law that anything in there is off limits and for other times. Always ensure you leave small in the fridge. I still do it and it saves me stress. Imagine getting home at 7 since 5am to discover there's no stew. Hisss.

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  28. Mrs anon3/21/2014

    Na real hiss... I wonder why our people will always justify lousy and bad behaviour in d name of tradition or whatever. And it must always be the woman that will be on the receiving end. My mother taught us that whenever we are in sombodys house we MuST help with the chores whether or not we do it in our father's house. As a graduate over 25yrs with pg degree sef i wd join small houseboy to go to d well to fetch water and fill drum which I've never done in my fathers house,+ other chores sef, all for a woman who locks her fridge and doesn't know whether I will eat or not in my uncles house... Yet when I married my sis in law who does nothing for her uncle (not me cos she was older ) will enter my pot when I go to bed and eat all d meat. Sometimes when I come back from work wit hubby around 10+ at night I will not see meat in d pot to give my husband to eat. What kind of rubbish is dat one?? And somebody will tell me its just food. Should an adult not know how to behave in sombodys house? In these hard times when you run ur kitchen on some budget things will be finished long before the time and u will look like a woman that doesn't know how to manage her kitchen just because of someone else's foolish acts.By the way how easy is it to go go market and cook for a week? When you are running such a hectic schedule. The last thing u need is to come back by 11 and not meet what you planned to give to ur husband. Why shd u pack ur friends to come and finish sombodys pot of food if u arent working to know how diff it is to earn the money? I just respected her but I tell u it wasn't easy living wit her for 5 yrs. She wdnt participate in anything we do as a family. But we were feeding her and hubby was paying for her expensive mba.when I gave birth she didn't come to see me tho everybody else came to d hospital. I will say God gave me exeptional grace cos everybody including her parents greeted me at last for managing her without quarell cos she is known to be troublesome. My dear try to be nice if u can,pray for wisdom and grace but draw some line and stop telling ur husband cos he won't do anything. For me I had to divide my food into two containers and label one 'oga' in d freezer. Yes sounds silly but only if u are mad will you still go there and remove all the meat after seeing d name of d owner. Lol. Please don't wash plate for adults. Let the plate be there if they refuse to wash after eating. Try to ignore as much of the stuff as u can but maintain ur respect, don't ever become a doormat in the name of pleasing in laws.They should respect you as u are respecting them too.

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