Am South African, I Want To Know If This Is How All Nigerian Men Behave

Dear Eya and Wives Connection Readers,

My name is Tuti and l am frequent and read your blog. Please hide my details. I have learnt a lot from the comments and stories of other ladies. Please help me with my situation.

I have been in a relationship with a Nigerian man for nearly three years now. I am from South Africa originally and we met at the University. He is 9 years my senior and when we met fire works erupted in my world. He was the perfect gentleman and a Christian.

As it stands now he is ready to
get married but l am not sure if l want this. I say this because there are some attitudes he displays that l don't feel comfortable with. For   example he often times closes up ad refuses to speak to me when things get stressful for him or l do or say something that he doesn't like. He can ignore me for up to a week at times. When he comes around he says that he needed space so that he will not burst with anger.

I am not sure if his idea of respect is correct if it is oppression because if we have a fight he will insult me with all sorts of words but if l say anything in defense then l am accused of disrespect.

At times when l am about to go and Hang out with my friends or go to a movie with them, he refuses for me to go. If l say that he has no right to limit my movement l am met with the silent treatment for days after that.

Furthermore, l am young and adventurous but all he likes to do is spend time at home and play Playstation.

I am so confused because there are good things to him like his love for God, he is hard working and he is supportive in times of trouble. However, l am not sure of the drawbacks. Plus l want to know if this is how all Nigerian men act and how they expect their woman to act.

Please help me because l want a marriage that l will not regret.

Thank you

Comments

  1. Johnson14:09

    Not all Nigerian men are like this. From your story, your guy is better than most Naija men – loves God, hardworking, supportive… You have a good product that can be improved upon.
    Naija men, like others, generally want to be respected and believe our women should submit to us. When they don’t get it that way, their attitude/reaction will vary from person to person. The silent treatment your guy is using is an example of a typical reaction. Though not a good sign, this can be improved upon through effective discussions when the situation improves. Plenty communication before you say ‘I DO’ will help to sort things out. Address this so that you won’t be sorry in the future as this reaction has the potential of degenerating…

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    1. Anonymous11:15

      Hi poster, It's clear he has communication issues and I would suggest pre marriage counselling to help improve his communication skills and your ideas of what marriage is really about. It will help to equip you both with the skills you both need to make marriage work. I am not sure what part of the world you are but there are lots of church's who offer these services...I did mine at Trinity Chapel Rccg London. Also there are loads of Godly books on marriage to read they help prepare you for marriage even if you decide not to go ahead with your man. Good luck sweetheart.

      Delete
  2. its really offensive that you ask if that is how all Nigerian men behave? Every man is different, So the answer is no. As for your problem, you should talk to him about that, and weigh his good and bad sides then decide if you can overlook his flaws. i wish you good luck.

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  3. Lizzy16:01

    Not all Nigerian men behave the same. Be aware of the culture difference and that generally in relationships the 2 are rarely the same therefore, yu either accept the difference and live with it or try to change it or back out since you are fully aware of these differences.

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  4. Anonymous16:52

    your question is very offensive. how does South African men behave, am sure Nigeria men are better off if not why then do u chose a Nigeria. as for your problem men are different, he is better, the most important is that he loves God, supportive, just find a way to deal with his bad sides. good luck

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  5. Anonymous17:06

    pls poster dis a minor issue. D most important is he fears God. 4 his bad sides just talk to him vry u both are happy or in a gdmood. Dnt say u are this or dat say pls i want to knw y u behave dis way. Note nt all naija men are bad.

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  6. *** All Nigerian men are not like your boyfriend.
    That being said, one thing I advice my people on is this "If you ain't gat peace about it, take a "step back" and WORK on it. If you still ain't gat Peace, WALK"
    My man of God will say "If a woman says her husband is a man of God then he truly is one". Know ye that he's a man that loves God doesn't make him an Angel of Light.
    He's honest enough to tell you why he walk away or would you have preferred he stays talking and then tattoos you with his fist in your Defense?
    If you truly love this guy and value what you share then get closer to His God on your knees and he'll change him or even you for the better.
    In 5 years of marriage you'll need this type of man coz then your adventurous life will be decorated with lots of diaper changing, cries, laundry, cooking, bedroom work, etc and by then your desired adventurous man will adventure away and go to the movies with the boys, then you be like "Ma Eya, the hubster just doesn't help with the kids nor stay home".
    My dear I thought like you but I thank God he didn't give me what I earnestly wanted but what I truly need.
    Wisdom is more profitable to direct

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    1. Anonymous19:03

      Wish there was a like button for this comment

      Delete
    2. Anonymous20:09

      I second that!

      Delete
  7. Anonymous20:35

    Not all men behave like that. Your boyfriends behaviour is typical of a control freak. Think very carefully before you marry him. If he is already verbally abusive i dont see how you can describe him as having the fear of God. He obviously wants you to be obedient and submissive without question. It is only going to get worse.

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    1. Anonymous03:42

      Well said

      Delete
  8. Anonymous21:36

    Well said Johnson&Debbie
    B obedient,submissive,prayerful & u‘l win hm ova rimeba dat u nid patience,its well.

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  9. Anonymous21:57

    Tread very carefully because the little things that bother you in courtship will be amplified in marriage, and you will be locked away with this person in the same space. He has an anger and communication problem which is to me, NOT a good combination for a successful marriage. I assume you are asking if these negatives are traits possessed in Nigerian men to placate yourself from how you truly feel. I bet you figure if people say yes it is a cultural thing then you would feel a bit of comfort in following through with marriage. Feel free to directly address your fears with him and see how he reacts. Silence is nobody's friend in relationships; communicate, communicate, communicate, and if he is not interested or dismissive then weigh for yourself if he is worth it.

    Only you can decide my dear, only you.

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  10. Hey lady.... Trust me, it's just his kinda specie or persona!

    That's his style or lemme say modus operandi. Some men are hostile, some violent, some cool and some just plain stupid, but ur man is who he is.

    Take ur time to talk to him or with him instead of being judgmental. I'm sure he also is putting up with some character of yours, marriage is not perfect and so are the people who go into it.

    Trust God, take ur time to study him... Do his will but above all, God's will 1st...



    Tchuss!



    Nuff'Said....

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  11. Hey dear! it is good he is a christain, it is even great but christainity is a plus and not the most important thing in the relationship, what about character? what about how he makes you feel after those fights, will christianity help cover that one orhavent you heard of holy brothers rendering their wife's unholy slaps. If i read very well, when things are stressful and other stuff he gives you space, that will definately increase inthe marriage, the words he says to you when you annoy him would increase as well and can result to emotional or even physical abuse..
    It is important for couples to celebrate their differences if not one will be feeling trapped, bored, sad or even taken advantaged of as in your case, he is an indoor person and you love the outdoors then compromise especially in marriage (some days we stay indoors and somedays we go out) but now you are still single, i perosonally think you should enjoy the freedom

    I know you are inlove with this guy but pray about it because marriage is a lifetime decision and yeah he can be born again but IS HIS CHARACTER BORNAGAIN? i am not saying there is no room for change but have you guys talked about it? If you have not, then do so. please but if you have and he has not still changed, its been three years, if he has not changed now, it will be hard to. change in future.....Marriage dont hide our flaws, it brings them all out. Goodluck sweety

    Bride2mum blog coming soon.......follow@bride2mum....Thanks

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. chukwunonso08:34

    With all due respect, this is my humble and precise opinion.This is what your man wants from you...

    1. Submission-total and absolute 2.Obedience at all times 3. to spend time with you, only you always so you can know him and HIS WILL, not just his nature and Character...HIS WILL and all this is tied to your ability to obey and submit but sorry you are not ready for it. Every Man is unique.a Nigerian man is usually brought up by a Nigerian woman who teaches him the Values and Virtures he needs in a woman to make a home and start a family. He was part of one and he wants to create one with you ,the type in his head and heart. Do you share in his vision for a family?If you don't,you have no business been with that good hard to find kind of Man who happens to know what he wants.He keeps quiet and awaty from you for this reason...he wants you to reflect on your actions and understand the situation that led to that conflict so it dosent repeat it self...but no you are not seeing it that way.

    If you want to marry and have a successful home , there is a lot you have to drop fast! you got to start hating what he hates, dislike what he dislikes and spend your maximum time with him.I don't know who is advising you,but you are getting the wrong ones.

    Please if he loves God,becareful with him,if you mess with him God will mess you up too.Get to know God also and have him as your very centre. Marriage is Sweet,very delicious...but only when you know your place and find pleasure in it.Marriage is not an idea to procreate or an idea of society...it is ordained of God,designed by God and Preserved by God even before any church was constituted.

    You sound like a girl that wants to play life and at the same time marry,no way. Choose one.A man builds a house,buys the furniture and materials things....blablabla...but its only a woman that makes it a home.

    Those outings and hanging outs you go to, how does it help and prepare you for the Journey of marriage?Perhaps he sees that it isn't going to be a good influence on you and discourages you...but you are obstructing.If you go on like this ,you will loose your man big time and God whom he serves will find him a better woman.wether or not he is Nigerian or not...

    Girl be wise...

    From

    Mr.chukwunonso

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous12:19

      Excuse me? Your number 1 got me thinking, Submission? Please how? In my own understanding, submission only comes in when you are married and, that same chapter talks about the man loving her as Christ...
      I just had to reply this long essay because e get as e be o. The 3 points you noted are all annoying so let me not even start

      Delete
    2. Anonymous11:02

      Excuse me Mr Chukwunonso,With all due respect, all you have written does not make sense whatsoever. It is people like you that make women have heartache's and dread marriage. You have simply said it is right for a man to be Selfish, Self-Centered, egoistic, Arrogant, domineering and manipulative.

      A man that displays such attributes has a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE personality, which in simple terms is a method of control and abuse, which is detrimental to the victim's health and on no account should be used as a means to command respect.

      A real man that his God-Fearing will TALK to his partner about something that he isn't happy about and not use silent treatment as a method of control. It is called Maturity.

      Less I forget, Yes the bible says a woman should submit to a man in everything. However the same bible also says that a man should be ready to die for his wife even has Christ died for the church and gave his life for her. This shows that men are to love their wives unconditionally, and unconditional love does not hurt.

      All in all God tells women to submit to their husband because the most important thaing for a man is to be respected and God also tells the men to love their wives because the most important thing for a woman is to be loved. I therefore beg to say that the type of man you have described here is not a man that knows how to love his wive because he lack empathy. I think he should also be put in the victim's shoes to understand how emotionally draining this can be. It sucks out the little energy you have in you.

      Delete
    3. mrs anon19:34

      @ Mr Chukwunonso.. Excuse me indeed! Can't believe what I am reading from ur post... You have just told her that her fiance is Idi Amin or some other dictator who demands total submission and obedience from her.. Just like the african princess in Coming To America.. Is she now to worship him as God too?? Why do we read Ephesians 5:22, 23 only and refuse to see 21 or 24 to the end?? When a man loves his wife as Christ loves the church and gives himself for her submission becomes automatic and easy. I do not see anything Godfearing about a man who is happy to punish the lady he "loves" with silence and malice rather than sit with her and table his grievances for resolution. what we call godfearing sometimes is just a churchgoing attitude. Many times the woman is left to guess endlessly about what her crime is because she doesn't even know what she did wrong!! is this fair? Would Christ keep malice or give silent treatment?? So she has to hate what he hates, like what he likes and generally become a clone of him and lose her identity or personality in the name of being a good wife.. Wow. What a life... He loves God, don't mess with him or God will mess u up??!! Wow..Read 1 John 4 from vs 7 down, and esp the last 2 verses so we are clear on who loves God abeg.

      Delete
  14. Anonymous12:47

    Am a Nigerian guy dating a south africa lady who is rude, ask for money always, sleeps around, doesn't know how to cook to mention a few. Well she sometimes goes to church. South africans in the house, are all your ladies like that?

    Ooooo kidding...

    You just came here and listed his weak points are u saying u are perfect and there is nothing you are doing to trigger him off. To me, you hv a good man! Learn to understand him and adjust, make sacrifices becos that's a big part of relationship. And mind u he won't change for you overnight.

    And lastly, do u see all south african men as the same? Asking if nigeria men are the same is very lame.

    The man you got is a good one.

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  15. i think your guy's way of getting space is okay.He does not sound like a control freak at all just a normal guy who gets moody when he does not get his way.I think you should build your communication medium before getting married.
    for Autism and other special needs info,visit sensorycare.blogspot.com

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  16. Anonymous17:47

    Eya have you read Chimamamnda Ngozi Adichie's "Purple Hibiscus"? If not I highly suggest you read it to the very end please read it then you will understand why so many women are against DV victims staying in their marriages. Poster I don't think your man is behaving in a Nigerian way that is just who he is if you are having doubts about the relationship then maybe you try and find ways to resolve the issues that you have if you still want to be in it.

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  17. All Nigerian men are not like him, so stop being stereotypical my dear!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous20:22

      She isn't being stereotypical, that's why she asked instead of making it a statement..

      Delete
  18. Anonymous22:45

    Debbie I like with all my heart!...
    For me enh, since he is a xtian, show him the scripture that says do not let the sun goes down on ur anger... I hope he truly loves God oh...
    One thing I cannot stand is a cheating hubby oh, contentment with Godliness is great gain!
    Sorry oh, It's like am deviating...

    Patsy

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  19. Anonymous00:54

    The fact that you're even asking questions like "Is this how all nigerian men behave" tells me you're a bit immature . especially if you think all men can be lumped into a group. That indicates you're not ready for marriage really

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  20. Anonymous03:32

    You have a diamond. Pls keep him.

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  21. You both should talk talk talkand talk.
    Keep your communication channel free and open!

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    Replies
    1. mrs anon18:36

      @Rubynnia... that's the problem, such people bluntly REFUSE to talk. Will you talk to yourself??

      Delete
  22. Your partner is using the Silent Treatment which means he has a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE personality, which in simple terms is a method of control and abuse, which is detrimental to the victim's health and on no account should be used as a means to command respect.

    A real man that is God-Fearing will TALK to his partner about something that he isn't happy about and not use silent treatment as a method of control. It is called Maturity.

    Less I forget, Yes the bible says a woman should submit to a man in everything. However the same bible also says that a man should be ready to die for his wife even has Christ died for the church and gave his life for her. This shows that men are to love their wives unconditionally, and unconditional love does not hurt.

    All in all God tells women to submit to their husband because the most important thaing for a man is to be respected and God also tells the men to love their wives because the most important thing for a woman is to be loved. I therefore beg to say that the type of man you have described here is not a man that knows how to love his wive because he lacks empathy.

    I beg you to reconsider your decision in marrying him. The fact that this is bothering you is a RED FLAG! Trust your gut feeling girl. Do you find that you are not able to express yourself freely? Do you most of the time find yourself walking on egg shells? Are you afraid of giving your opinion on something because you feel he may get upset? Do you find yourself crying most of the time and can't figure out why he's upset with you? Does he lack empathy? Do he find it difficult to say SORRY when he is wrong? If the Answer here is YES or if you answered YES to most, then you are dealing with a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PARTNER. Please do some further research on this to verify what I have said.

    Your relationship will only work out if you decide not to have a VOICE and let him have he's way in ALL things. If you are going to be happy giving up your individuality for him, then this will work. If NOT, its better you let him know and if he's genuinely willing to change and understand that this behavior is unacceptable then maybe it will work but I can't tell for sure. I have however heard that it is almost impossible to change such types of men.

    I have been in the shoes...And it hurts so BAD, so I can relate with what you are saying. It isn't healthy.
    The truth is you CAN'T change him, he can ONLY change he HE chooses too and with the help of God.

    Most ppl that exhibit this type of personality either grew up in a family where one of the parents had this sort of approach to handling conflict and as such grow up to see it as way to resolve conflict or they were SPOILED as a child or grew up in dysfunctional family or Never had the opportunity to give their own opinion on matters.

    I wish you luck girl. But please note that because he loves God doesn't mean he has a GOOD CHARACTER.

    I really hope and pray that God leads you to make the right decision because marriage is a lifetime commitment.

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    Replies
    1. mrs anon18:34

      Gbam!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous20:41

      I needed to hear this. Thank you. After suffering for so long and praying the guy would change, I can't take it anymore. Silent treatment is just so abusive. I'm walking out. I have no way of changing him, I stand no chance as his father is exactly the same, so he thinks solving problems this way is natural. I am just grateful to God for giving me the strength to finally leave.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous11:58

      I have dated a couple of Naijas over the years now before being married to one. I am also Southern African. We hold very different opinions regarding our cultures and most are not willing to learn and accept other people's cultures. Most are very controlling and demand respect. Don't be fooled by his being a Christian facade. What happens behind closed doors is something else. It doesn't matter which part of the world they are in Europe, US etc. This one certainly has a passive aggressive nature. No amount of counselling will change an ingrained personality. Ultimately the decision is yours.

      Delete
  23. Hello Dear,

    This is something I took from a website and pursuing this may help you take such attitude away from your relationship. I am not in any way asking you to do the same but it has worked for some. It is your choice to use or dis-regard it.

    Below is how a lady stopped the silent treatment her partner was giving her.

    "I had someone who used silent treatment as a weapon - and since I had never experienced silent treatment - it was very painful to me and hurt me deeply.

    Then after a few years of dealing with this person (a mate) and I studied that individual closely to ascertain/figure him out. It dawned on me how to remove "silent treatment" from my life.

    The first thing you have to do is to immediately go into "automatic pilot" and stop caring about him speaking or not speaking to you and START focusing on yourself.

    Also introduce him to "gorilla warfare-type of attention grabbing conversation items"

    1. I started spending his money (normally I am a saver-when he stops speaking it initiates that very lavish spender that resides within )
    2. I started selling things out of the home that I knew he would miss
    3. I interrupted his daily routine (relocated his hygiene products and shaving/bath items as well as his underwear)

    I also did not do the above list in the order listed and I did not do them ALL TOGETHER - I also did it really QUIETLY WITHOUT SOUND or advance notice of any sort - and I would do them randomly and then go to the gym or the spa or visit friends for hours and hours and hours so that I am not seen or heard when he comes home and I MAKE SURE THAT I intentionally am not around as his frustrations peak as they usually peak whenever he cannot find this or that (he would arrange his personal items according to shape, size and color) - after a few times of not being able to find this or that - he immediately stopped the silent treatment and when he stopped and started speaking and asking me - "where is this and where is that and what I am doing and where am I going" - I decided on my own to extend his silent treatment routine FOR HIM - just because he wants to now stop doesn't mean that I am going to stop from staying silent so "I continued to stay quiet until I was ready to talk"

    When I turned and flipped "his silent treatment" back on him - he stopped - but it took me some time to figure out how to rid my life of that nonsensical manner of his.

    If you have a problem with me - we need to discuss it - or I will make you join me in the "hell you create" in your attempts to control me. Adults should learn to be adults or pay the consequences that comes from irrational behavior."

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    Replies
    1. Mrs anon18:23

      LOL!! This makes sense.. But seriously, i have suffered this silent treatment abuse for many years from my partner and it made my life so unbearable and miserable, until I stumbled upon a website that described the Passive Aggressive behaviour you mentioned and the description fit my case perfectly. Pls poster, read Temitayos 1st post again and try to implement the tips and see if there's a change. Secondly learn to speak up politely how you feel as much as possible cos if u keep shying away like I used to in the name of peace, u will only be feeding that behaviour in him and it will get worse and continue for longer. Another trap we fall into as women is to resort to crying and begging even when we have done nothing wrong...This feeds the very childish behaviour of silent treatment ( which mind you is a form of EMOTIONAL ABUSE which iseven worse than physical abuse sometimes) IF he decides to be silent over minor issues u have explained or even apologised for, let him be and engage yourself in things that make you happy or laugh. When he sees that your life doesn't end because he refuses to speak to you,he is compelled to open the lines of communication and have a real discussion on the issues u face rather than sweep them under the carpet as such people usually do, only for the issues to pile and pile until the day there is a massive outburst....and everybody will say, this guy is so nice/good, I can't believe he's the one who did .... to you. Please Google and research on this further u will find helpful info to guide you like I did. As soon as I learnt to ignore his treatment and make myself happy, rather thangive him the keys of my life to lock me in a cell of misery and sadness, things changed for me. Silent treatment is a form of manipulation. it is usually accompanied by verbal abuse, and demeaning words. It is unhealthy in a relationship. if it is allowed to persist, down the line the receiver completely loses her/his self worth, feels useless and becomes a shadow of her former self. Since you are not married yet, I say try all the above, with prayers, and see if there will be a change before you go ahead with the marriage. If after all efforts there is no change, please leave him and move on, as your happiness and peace of mind is paramount. some women have run mad in the end because of these problems..As others have said, what you have seen in courtship will only multiply ×hundredfold in marriage. So you need to be wise... Wishing you all the best.

      Delete
  24. Anonymous04:38

    Babe I am in dat situation and i would say RUN like hell im married nd blieve me if i had seen dis behaviours i wouldnr have marries him not all men r like dat but MOST

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  25. @poster,not all men are lyk dat..neva wave away warning signals,cos d difference btwn charming and harming,is letter 'C' u can't change a person until he is willing to change.if he is truely God fearing,it will reflect in his actions.a person who love God can't hv such attitude,a man hu doesn't respect ur singleness,will nt respect u in marriage.if he kips silent and walk away 4rm his troubles all in d name of controlling anger,dat means a day will come wen he wud want to let it all out on u..my dear dnt write a story of 'had I knw',so I tink d both of u shud read books on marriage and communication,try to see if he is willing to b a beta man,before marriage..dey say love is blind,bt I tell u,marriage will open ur eyes.. It is a life tym commitment,so look b4 u leap. God bless.

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  26. Anonymous12:42

    Arg man most nigerian men have bipolar tendencies and control issues....

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  27. Anonymous10:34

    Yes. Virtually all Nigerian men are like this. They're best left unapproached.

    ReplyDelete

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