This Temptation is Too Strong For Me, I need help

Hello Aunty Eya and Wives connection readers, the temptation is very strong, please help me. I have thought over it again and again. Have prayed and even fasted. What is there that I still need to do? When a husband treats you like trash, doesn't care about your feelings and feels like he is ashamed of you in public cos you are not  yet a University graduate? (My Nursing Certificate has given me a job!)

Then the old love that adored you but
it didn't work out cos of his religious background. For me I didn't mind marrying a man from another religion because I loved him.

Finally it didn't work out and we went our separate ways and also lost contact. My husband is the one my parents accepted, we got married and honestly Aunty Eya, the marriage is just there. It is everything but romantic. I loved him and tried my best to feel loved but he is not trying at all. We belong to the same religion and all but I am not convinced he loved me. He might have married me for reasons other than love and does not even pretend about it. He is nasty and callous.

My feelings are not his cup of tea and we have just been there like that with him freely cheating and claiming it's a man's world and accusing me of being suspicious. Out of nowhere my love appeared, he just returned back to Nigeria and is still single. He is trying as much as I am to control myself but emotions are running. What do I do? 

For all am going through in this house, even if I cheat on my husband, I won't regret it one bit, I will pray for forgiveness and feel happy for once. I have lived a miserable life all my marital years and didn't know I could still feel wanted with deep and true happiness. I don't want to live in misery all my life. I want to be happy again.

This temptation, if possible I want to overcome and continue with my life but how do I overcome. He lives not too faraway  from my street and am still fighting the temptation not to visit.
What should I do please?  He keeps inviting me and I want to go. I know it's wrong but am weak willed at this time. Please help me. Please post and help me with advice.

Comments

  1. Nothing justifies cheating on your spouse! The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom! You must put efforts to make your marriage a happy one, its not always easy but when you hold on to God and is determined to make things work, you will laugh again.

    Your ex lover should be left with the past and face your future. Honestly,

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    1. Sweety i know people are going to advise you not to go, not to do dis and that and i wont either. cheating on ur husband is a sin called adultery and i will not be in support of that . However why i wont tell you to cheat, i would ask that you take a step back and re-evaluate yourself as a woman and as a human being. do u truly believe that u deserve the best life has to offer you as a human being or do u feel that you should accept whatever life throws at you. i'm asking you this because from your mail you never even said anything about wanting to leave this ur husband, seems ur comfortable with his philandering, with his callousness, with his non-nonchalant attitude towards you. do u really feel u should be in that marriage, are u so scared to get a divorce and reunite with the love of ur life and be happy. By the way, since u feel ur husband is ashamed of u, y have u never bothered to improve yourself academically or otherwise. people will tell u to go down on ur knees and pray, oh yes u shud but i doubt if this same God would give u sth that will bring tears and pain to u. u probably didn't even seek his face before entering the marriage hence all u r facing now. atm u have a chance to correct the issue or forever live a life of sorrow because i can advise u that he will never change. And in as much as i wish u the best in life, if u decide to ff the advise of the kneel down and pray people kindly come back in 6 months or a year and tell us how it all went. wouldn't mind knowing that somehow i was wrong....all the best!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/18/2013

      Watch tyler perry's temptation.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous8/16/2013

    Don't worry it is well, dont cheat on your husband because it is not good, marriage is for better for worst anyway i will join you in prayers but First TELL ASUU TO CALL OFF STRIKE !!!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/17/2013

      Eh! Haven't they called off d strike??? With that N400b demand, sweetheart, better go and learn a trade oo

      Delete
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  4. Anonymous8/16/2013

    My dear,I ve been in your shoes and to be sincere with you,I cheated on my husband. It made me feel gud then but I regrets it every moment of the day. There is nothing God cannot do,jst take it to him in prayers nd u will be amazed.

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  5. Anonymous8/16/2013

    This is what I am going to say if you are a bible believing christian adultery is grounds for divorce and is allowed in the bible. Your husband is a philanderer, doesn't love you you are miserable at least you have a job so you can take care of yourself so what are you waiting for? If it were me I for divorce the useless man tay tay! Don't rush into old loves hands yet take it slowly with him but please divorce your husband first why stay in a miserable relationship when you can be happier alone or with someone else abeg life is too short to care what people will think run before he brings AIDS home or something. You did not mention any kids but remember children turn 18 leave home to start their own lives and you are there still miserable with a man who treats you like trash. I have a feeling you know the answer to your question but are just looking for confirmations. Anyone who advises someone to stay in a miserable loveless adulterous marriage does not wish the person well. Nigerians wake up even our grandparents divorced when nothing more could be done to save the marriage! Women be staying there with adulterous husbands and don't go writing on blogs when you have been infected with STDs I salute any Nigerian woman who has had the guts to say enough is enough as a woman you deserve to be happy shebi you want to go and live in your grown up children's house when they finally leave home and you still can't stand their father? Your life is your own to live live it to the fullest! Prayers are good but faith without action is dead. MARRIAGE IS TO BE ENJOYED NOT ENDURED

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  6. Johnson8/16/2013

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Johnson8/16/2013

      Posted in error - Eya, please delete!

      Delete
  7. Johnson8/16/2013

    I sometimes get confused reading advice given by Christians trying to justify divorce – God hates divorce! How do you feel doing something God said he hates?
    @ Poster, I must commend you for taking this step of sharing your dilemma. Visiting your ex is exactly what the devil wants you to do. I can assure you, like anonymous 4:01pm, you’ll regret it. It’s like jumping from frying pan to fire.
    While striving to workout the relationship between you and hubby, you can take the following steps:
    1. Let hubby know how you feel and let him know you want to make him happy and proud of you. Ask him for his advice on the steps to take and kneel before him for him to pray for you. You must have also spent some time with God before this encounter.
    2. Tell your hubby about your ex and how he has invited you. You need hubby to help you overcome the temptation.
    You might have made mistakes – but God can turn all this around. The devil cannot/will not offer you happiness.

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    Replies
    1. God also hates it when the devil tries to keep His children in loveless marriages with philandering spouses so that at the end of the day God's children end up wasting their youth and their lives. Prayer changes and fixes all situations, i totally agree but why are u Nigerians calling for new governance, y not pray that the present one changes and becomes better. Y wont parents allow their daughters get married to a man who pummeled his last wife to death, i mean prayer can change him right.

      Now my point is this, no matter how much God hates divorce which am sure is very much, He created a caveat in the form of divorce in case of adultery. If God who is all-knowing did that, why do u think he did. Let me posit a suggestion, because God is quite aware of the fact that the devil hates unity and would do every and anything to destroy all good marriages. But the devil is smart as well, he knows there are people who would refuse to be divorced and what does he do,he ensures that he makes life as difficult and unbearable for them,sometimes leading to death and complete emotional trauma. This will only happen wen u have not obeyed the will of God by marrying the spouse whom God destined for u to marry. so when u marry a child of darkness what do u expect, is it not the same Bible that asks us what darkness has got to do with light? and how can two walk together except they agree?

      Christians have to start looking beyond religion and look into God's word. Religion is a moral excuse for low self esteem, fear, cowardice and to give the devil an even stronger hold on ur life, Christianity is having confidence, assurance that through Christ we can do all things. its been able to walk away from a philandering spouse, a violent spouse and an emotional or abusive relationship, knowing that no matter what happens He will take care of u in every situation.

      To the poster as one person suggested, sit ur husband down and ask him point blank y he does not love you? don't mince words, don't even try to be diplomatic. Blot it out just like that while the both of u are in bed and watch his reaction. He will definitely ask why u r asking him that sort of question, then u start giving him instances and examples of things he has said or done to evidence that. u might have to write them now beforehand so u will remember. Watch his reaction, if he softens then there is still a chance, if he acts like he dosent care ask him if he would be happier with you out of his life, Trust me only a callous man would have a ready answer to dis question. From there u would know if there is a chance to work things out.

      However if the discussion does not prove fruitful, then i suggest u take a stand and decide if you want to remain in the marriage or if u want to work things out with someone who isn't willing, lol remember,it takes two to work it out. Oh and by the way pls don't forget to pray before the said discussion.

      P.S: no matter ow much people tell u to pray and fast and discuss, a man whose hart is elsewhere is irredeemable. As i always tell my friends, if u cant save the relationship, at least save ur dignity!!!!!!!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/16/2013

      Johnson, if a woman was married to a murderer and an adulterous man who sleeps with anything on skirt and even beats her black and blue, what's your advise to her? I'm willing to learn your view on this. Since you are against 'justification'.

      Delete
    3. For the 1st time also, I disagree with Johnson's 1&2. How can he help her overcome a temptation he has been falling for? PS: he sounds like he doesn't give a damn about her from her description. Some men like this will say "go ahead". Her husband isn't her God. If she's to talk to anyone to help her overcome her temptation, it's God and not her husband. Cos if she ends up having the talk with the hubby, he may even frustrate her even more to go ahead with her plans, so as to feel 'good' about herself. That method is not safe, biko.

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    5. Queen Bee8/19/2013

      Johnson,from her description of her husband,she will only make him suspect and accuse her of cheating if she dares tell him of her temptation!he will make life unbearable for her and use it as a better excuse for his cheating.
      We know God hates divorce,but should someone die in a bad marriage?
      @poster if u talk with him,and no improvement,maybe u move!
      But then,ur old flame #thinking# ur religions are different?how do u intend coping with that?think deep madam,dont go from frypan to fire by then u will be a laughing stock of pple.
      There is a syndrome they call'the grass is better on the other side'that usually affects married pple,search ur soul and be sure dats not the issue. Then u follow ur heart!
      Wish u happiness my dear,in life the pursuit of happiness is the ultimate.

      Delete
  8. Anonymous8/16/2013

    @eifee, well said but i doubt if d suggested discussion wld yeild any fruit (talkn frm experience). Many men feel dat it is d woman's duty 2 magically mk d marriage work evn while they live d way they like - cheatn, keepn late nights, not providn 4 d family, etc.... & smhw u won't blame dem cos no matterwhat they do, their wives still endure n try 2 prove dat they can b dat "superwoman"!
    @johnson, God not only hates divorce but every single sin includn cheatn, neglect, wickedness, etc. For d first time i disagree wt u. She shdnt evn mention d matter 2 d hubby else he may start suspectn her n using it against her. Let her jst steer clear of d ex to clear her head n seek God's direction on hw to tackle d situation in her home.

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    1. My dear,I only told her to engage in discussion so I wouldn't be accused of telling a woman to leave her marriage without even trying to make it work.Secondly,if u re read my response another importance of having d discussion is to watch his reaction. Sometimes a persons reaction betrays their hart,a man who still loves his wife or infact has feelings for her would feel bad after d questions she wud ask.

      If he dosent send her,trust me dis discussion wud come as a relief.if he makes it seem like its in her power as u suggested,all the better too as it shows he dosent care.so from dere she can take a stand so dat tomorrow it won't be d case of she never tried to make it work.

      P.s; to poster u dint talk of children.pls if u av none better leave,if u have any,still leave.then go back to ur parents and tell them a big thank u for imposing their choice on u.mshew

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  9. Anonymous8/16/2013

    Hmmm! YOUR HUBBY LOVES YOU MY DEAR... For how long have you been married? Has it always been like this? Has he never proved himself a loving husband once? Is there an habit you hate about him, is there any you love abt him... Ask urself these questions girl. Have u been fair enough, did he change all of a sudden...
    I was once in your shoes, I tot my hubby hated me.. Back then when I tell him to stop talking to me in hash tunes or treating me like trash, he wld say... WHO ARE YOU! I hated those words... My hubby wld not appreciate anything I do, he always find faults, hence the hate... Oversabi(I know it all) was the name he gave me... It was hard, but I overcame those trying times.
    The magic was submission... I became very submissive to my hubby, and he started coming back again...
    And now my hubby listens to me, and do anything I ask him... It's so easy these days I tell you.
    You don't need your ex, you will cause more harm than good to urself..
    just forget him. Period! Your ex shld respect the fact that u're now married, that's if he truely cares about you.

    Patsy

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    1. Anonymous8/16/2013

      I tried being submissive to my hubby he then used it as an opportunity to even receive calls from his gf right there in my presence, I pretended as if I was NT angry he did d worse. Some men are just unbearable but @ least for d sake of d kids I endure but its NT easy o to be sincere

      Delete
  10. Johnson8/16/2013

    Thanks for the various thoughts – very good points were raised. I will not attempt to respond to everything but would clarify the points I raised.
    1. The first and most important decision in getting married is to make sure you marry a believer (that’s if you’re one). If you marry an unbeliever, you will have problem with your father-in-law (the devil). The father of every unbeliever is the devil.
    2. The devil rejoices at every successful divorce case – no matter what caused it.
    3. Should one stay bitter in an abusive marriage, which might lead to death of one partner because God hates divorce? NO! The post under review has not gotten to this ‘extreme’ case, and I pray it does not. So it’s better to be separated in certain situations.
    4. Asking her to kneel before her hubby does not make him God? However, I believe there’s great gain in kneeling before your head and having him pray for you. Have you ever knelt before your father and have him pour his heart in prayer for you? It is God that is being acknowledged in these situations.
    5. Sharing a secret, such as the feeling the poster is having with her ex, with someone that knows the ex will help to prevent you from going ahead with taking the wrong step. My advice for the poster to discuss this with her hubby is to guide against her taking that wrong step with the ex. I might have taken it too far – but @ poster should please tell someone that can keep a watch over her and protect her from making the move.
    You cannot honour God and He allows shame in your life. @ Poster, please honour God with the decision and actions you take going forward. However, this starts with total surrender to Him.

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    Replies
    1. Johnson8/16/2013

      Additional thoughts for the poster:
      1. Husband treat you like trash and does not care about your feeling… – VAT yourself. That is, add value to yourself by improving your self-worth.
      2. The grass always looks green at the other side. You think your ex adores you? Just wait till he sleeps with you – you will become his foot mat!
      3. You said hubby is everything but romantic. Your husband not being romantic can be worked on. Stop being suspicious and seek ways to work things out.
      4. You need to be grateful to God for what you have and make yourself happy in your marriage. Your happiness should not depend on anyone – not even your husband.

      Delete
  11. chioma Duru8/16/2013

    Madam. Abeg i beg u in d name of God dont ever think of leaving or cheating on your husband. U wil definetely regret it. And anyone tellin u to do dat is wicked! GOD HATES DIVORCE, RATHER 4GIVE HIM AND LOOK UNTO Jesus!

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  12. Poster pray to God abt ur marriage n husband, he is d only one who knows d begining n end, he knows what ur passing through.
    I think u shd think positive, if God does not want u to marry ur husband my dear u will not marry him o, so pls go back to d manufacturer(God) to do a total rebranding of ur husband n he will do it for u.
    Its amusing sometimes u c relationships dat d wife does everything d man wants n she will still b unhappy(treated bad) and u see the total opposite(d woman not giving a hoot) abt d marriage/husband and will b treated extremely well..
    My point will still b go to God n pour out ur mind to him, YES God sees what ur passing through but u have to still tell him what u want, ur happiness is Paramount to God and urself.
    Pls DO NOT go and visit dat ur EX cos u will complicate ur issue, and also pls for now do not tell ur husband abt ur ex and feeling u have for him until you are soughted by God.

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  13. You wrote: ...doesn't care about your feelings and "feels" like he is ashamed of you in public...

    Has hubby ever told you he is ashamed of you because of your lack of a university degree? You don't need a university education because you already have your nursing certificate. You write very well and I guess you speak well too so you can't be shaming hubby in public in that department.

    Being unfaithful to him will not make you feel better. This act will make you feel worse about yourself because any respect your ex had for you will disappear once you do the deed - I guess he knows you are now a married woman. It is not great for your dignity. Morever if you sleep with him now and eventually leave hubby and marry him, he will forever think you are cheating on him and that will bring new problems.

    You say you want to be happy again but unless you want to leave your husband for good and marry your ex, it will never be a permanent happiness. You will always go back home to hubby. So I advise you to continue to work on your marriage because you did not talk about a desire to leave the marriage. Make communication an important aspect of your marriage so you can banish all these thoughts that sow seeds of discord. That's the only way to find out the root cause of all these including why he is unfaithful and brags about it.

    I don't know how long you've been married for but in a marriage, it takes some time for a couple to sort out their initial issues especially as you married him because he is the one your parents accepted.

    Good luck!

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    ReplyDelete
  15. Hello poster,

    I'm going to look at this from a slightly different angle.
    First, no. I won't advice you to start anything with your ex. The grass always SEEMS greener on the other side. Yes, it'll feel good INITIALLY to be appreciated after a long time but eventually, you'll be left with guilt and emptiness. The said ex is most likely still attracted to you but what happens when he decides to get married and the attraction wanes? You'll be back to square 1. No, sorry. Square 0 cause he would have "shined your congo."

    Now, here's what I'll advice you. Thank God you have a job.
    Spoil yourself. Go out for manicures, do something different with your hair, change your wardrobe... If you haven't been dressing up sexy at home please start, walk around in sexy lingerie, exercise, take even better care of your skin. He's your husband and there must have been some level of attraction at some point. Take your hubby back.

    Lastly, and this should have been first, pray all these external bodies away. Marriage is a three-fold cord between you, your man and God. Pray away anyone not involved in that cord with you who wants to ruin your marriage. God listens and will listen to you especially if you stay faithful through your husband's unfaithfulness.

    All the very best

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  16. Even if things are not working out well for you with your hubby, please do NOT make the mistake of visiting your ex!! Right now, you are vulnerable and prone to doing stuff you will surely regret. Don't alllow the devil to win this battle. Two wrongs has never and will never make a right.
    As for your hubby, I suggest you have a heart to heart talk with him and continue praying for him.
    The same bible that says one can divorce his or her spouse on grounds of infidelity also says that once one is divorced, remarrying is not an option. In other words, once one is divorced, celibacy is expected from the person. Except you plan to have no other relationship and have sex with another man afterwards, then you can seek for a divorce.
    I pray that God in his infinite mercy will bring back love,peace and laughter in your home.

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  17. Fyn Ijebu Chic8/17/2013

    Dear Poster,
    I will advise that u get this book and read it. Digest every word in it and act on it. LOVE AND RESPECT.... The Love she most desired and the respect he desperately needs by DR Emmerson Eggerichs. I pray you find solution to your problems in it.
    BTW, I missed you all!!!

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  18. MrsB God bless you!

    Patsy

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    Replies
    1. Amen and You too Patsy!

      Delete
  19. Anonymous8/17/2013

    I visited your blog for the first the yersterday and left a comment but u didn't post o!
    *Mercy says so*

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  20. Mercy, If ur comment was an insult it wld not b posted...WC rule..#smily face#
    Ur welcome to WC #hugs#

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  21. Anonymous8/19/2013

    Poster I feel your pain. I know how it feels when ones husband obviously doesn't give a shit about you and there is someone else who loves and will always love you.

    I know how it feels to be married and yet be alone... and very lonely. And you know he is there just an sms away.

    I know what it feels like to be suicidal. Cos it all feels like a trap. And there is no where to run. And one must endure the pain.

    I know what it feels like to have that true first love who will never turn you away

    And most of all I know what it feels like to want to be loved, to desire it-that tender emotion....

    But yet I cant bring myself to cheat.

    I wanted to, but I just couldnt bring my self to. And i am talking emotional cheating. Not even physical.

    Join me poster. Lets not do it. Lets hold on. Lets fill the vacuum with our children, our jobs, our families, self improvement and excessive prayers. Maybe God will do something.

    I will go anonymous this time.

    ReplyDelete

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