Is Her Husband Insecure? Should She Obey Him At This Time?

Hi aunty Eya,  pls a friend needs my advice soonest on this issue.

She lives in Owerri with her husband of four months. They are married traditionally but not yet in the church. The husband works & for 3years she has not worked.


 Her husband told her to resign from her former work due to stress 3yrs ago. Now she
has a good offer in Warri & her husband is saying NO. He agreed all these while & she is to resume today Friday & her husband said he has changed his mind this morning.

He doesn't provide all she needs as she lacks many basic things though he is not paid much too. Saving for their white wedding is taking too long & she wants to assist, now he says if she goes, it's the end of the marriage.


Pls what should she do? Should she ignore him & go or still stay @ home doing nothing? We need advice please.

Comments

  1. Anonymous8/23/2013

    Marriage ooooooo, this thing can kill a woman's destiny kpata kpata.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      It also can enhance a woman's destiny. You get what you deserve...

      Delete
  2. Anonymous8/23/2013

    If the husband doesn't want want her to go to warri cos they live in Owerri then he shud get her a job in owerri or set up a business for her there.Its kind of dicy anyway cos distance has dealt a lot of blows on some relationships and marriages.She shud find out from her husband why he is saying no when he had earlier consented.It is nt easy for a woman to b idle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Probably married

      Delete
  3. Anonymous8/23/2013

    What does your friend want to do? If it was me since the husband is not providing all she needs I would go wetin be this if not modern day slavery it's like he wants her to stay unemployed so he can control her in all ways he is afraid of her being financially independent. If he really loved you he would let you follow your dream. If he really loves you and you go he will come looking for you and reach a compromise. If he doesn't want her working then start a business for her instead poster this one that you stopped working even before marriage based on his decision says that he has a very strong hold of your brain and it seems you cannot do anything without his approval so any advice on here may not be of help. You first have to be your own person capable of making decisions for yourself able to stand your ground before you will be able to take anyone's advice unless you are comfortable sitting at home doing nothing, the ball is in your court.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous8/23/2013

    If she goes ahead with that marriage whatever she sees she should not complain. God is showing her the type of man she is about to chain herself to and she still doesnt want to leave. It is not late to back out.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous8/23/2013

    If she goes ahead with that marriage whatever she sees she should not complain. God is showing her the type of man she is about to chain herself to and she still doesnt want to leave. It is not late to back out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Urmm..it's a bit too late to back out cos she is married..trad marriage is 100% marriage.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/23/2013

      It is easier to walk out of than trying to get a divorce from the court once she is legally married according to the law this one will just involve the elders no paperwork plus it has only been four months much easier to walk away now than four years and two babies later when she is still jobless and depending on him for everything. Legal court divorces can drag for years and will cost money so poster if your friend cannot live with what she is seeing now she better walk out now many women have walked out after a wine carrying ceremony and are doing just ok and have moved on to the husbands that were actually intended for them. Marriage is not by fire or by force neither is it the end all be all be very wise in choosing who you marry because that will determine your happiness or lack of for the rest of your married life.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous8/23/2013

      @Anon 1:43pm. Some good points made - e.g. '...be very wise in choosing who you marry... All need to enter marriage with the two eyes wide open, and when you enter it is better to close one eye. This will help the 'walking out' syndrome that seems to be reigning. God said, marriage was designed for life (Matt 19:8).
      @ Poster, tell your friend to have a heart 2 heart talk with her hubby and if that does not work, she should seek counsel (from a pastor, elder - esp. someone the husband would respect/listen to).

      Delete
    4. Anonymous8/24/2013

      Lol @ pastor, no be dis ones wey dey fuck women up and down? Abeg talk to God direct.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous8/24/2013

      @ Anon 12:36pm - so you don't have a pastor? If no pastor, at least a priest or bishop.
      The point here is to seek help from someone the hubby will respect and listen to. If hubby no get anyone wey im respect - na im bi sey you don enter one chance!

      Delete
  6. In this age and time, which woman resigns cuz of her husband? Abeg quit that relationship! By the time you marry it would only get worse! When the kids start coming how will you sustain them? Am sorry but I think its the lady that is insecure. Maybe she fears if she opts out she may not get another man. Biko, emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse; this man has abused you. Quit before your psyche is damaged

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous8/23/2013

    Why did she in the first instance leave her work for a man you have not totally married to. You want to do white wedding and he cannot provide all what you need. Pls my advice for you is to go for the job, if he really loves you he will come for you and both of you will discuss on ur future. No matter how rich or wealthy my husband is, he can never stop me from working either collar job nor personal business. Men of nowadays......eh, Women shine your face.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Definitely not married

      Delete
  8. This ur friend's husband must b a dream/destiny killer, what can fa d BS, 3yrs of her beautiful life no work, now she got a good offer he changed his mind??

    Advice ur friend too to change her mind about marrying him n let's see what he will say,its not too late for her to back our of d relationship afterall na traditional ceremony them do not d white wedding yet, hope she never go sign for court o?

    "At dis juncture" she shd do what will make her happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Most likely unmarried.
      Traditional marriage is the one recognised by God and is mandatory. Church marriage is an option (not mandatory).

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Really so why is there a need for certificates of marriages or church weddings. Which God recognises traditional marriage is it the traditional marriage where men are allowed to have as many wives as they wish or which kain traditional marriage are you talking about? Last i checked the church advocated for monogamous relationships unless you attend one special polygamous church like that your comment does not make sense

      Delete
    3. Anonymous8/23/2013

      @Anon 1:54, the marriage certificate from the church does not carry any value - ask your pastor. They might use it to ordain you as a bishop, pastor, etc. But before the court it is 'worthless'.
      Marriage as recognized by God is when the parents of the bride hands over their daughter to a man becos he has fulfilled the customary rites.
      Don't get me wrong, Church marriage is good and should be done by all for all the necessary prophetic blessings and totally committing your future home to God. However, the marriage ceremonies that are mandatory are the traditional and registry (court). Church own na jara!

      Delete
    4. Anonymous8/23/2013

      I am talking about marriage certificates that are issued by churches that are legally licensed to conduct weddings that is the same certificate they give you is the same one you will be given if you have a court wedding. You wait until you have to prove to international authorities that you are man and wife and wait and see if they will accept your traditional marriage photos as proof lol I don't know how authorities work in Nigeria but where I live to prove that you are married you have to produce a legal certificate that is either issued at the registry or by a licensed church.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous8/23/2013

      All that unlicensed churches do is perform a blessing because legally they cannot join two people but licensed churches whose pastors are licensed to perform weddings do issue out the same certificate that is issued at the registry. Court weddings are very popular in Naija because most churches are not licensed to perform legal wedding ceremonies this I think is partly due to the thousands of one man show churches mushrooming all over the place an example of churches that are normally licensed are the Anglican church and the catholic church your pastors should inform you of this and if they don't then it is up to you to find out if your church is licensed because if it is all you need are two ceremonies according to your background traditional and church. if your church is not licensed then you can find a licensed church to wed and perform a blessing at the same time you may have to pay a fee since you are not members if that is not an option then you will have to get your marriage legally recognised at the registry at some point.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous8/23/2013

      @Anon 3:18pm and 3:27pm - thanks for clarifying.
      One point that should be made, however, is that without traditional, you are not married in the eyes of God. You cannot claim that it is the court/registry that gave you a wife - that is tantamonth to kidnapping someone's daughter!

      Delete
    7. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Can you please clarify which God you are refering to? As you well know there are different religions who worship a God worldwide and have different customs so you cannot claim that it is only traditional marriages that are of God because if that was the case then Christians would not need to have a church ceremony after the traditional rites. AS long as both families are in agreement all marriages are recognized by the God that the couple and their families believe in. That is why if one married traditionally only he can take other wives and this is allowed traditionally because the God of African customs is a polygamous marriage God. But if you wed in church then you cannot marry more than one wife you can only remarry once your wife is deceased because the Christian God only allows for one man one wife. So you cannot hold the claim that traditional marriage is the only marriage recognized by God

      Delete
    8. Anonymous8/23/2013

      @Anon 4:21... I am talking about the Almighty - the One that instituted marriage. He is the one & only God - all other are man-made. Irrespective of the religion (and tradition), He sanctioned one husband and one wife. That men began to have multiple wives does not make it acceptable by Him. Being a Christian does not automatically mean you must marry in the church - ask your pastor. The church (proper Christian church) will also not join you as man/wife if you have not fulfilled the traditional rites.
      One good point you made is 'as long as both families are in agreement...' that is what I call traditional marriage. It is simply asking for the man of your wife in marriage and fulfilling the required rites within the customs of the family.

      Delete
    9. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Oh and in some customs the grooms to be traditionally kidnapped their wives still happens somewhere in Eastern Europe and the families have to accept

      Delete
    10. Anonymous8/23/2013

      *... asking for the hand of your wife...

      Delete
    11. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Interesting discussion can I just mention that I find your arguments very contradictory here you are most likely talking about a Christian God that was brought to Africa by the white man and still claiming that traditional marriage rites which existed way before the white man came to Africa are the only ones that are recognized by God and also putting those rites way above the Christian marriage rites (I assumed it is the Christian God because you used the term Almighty)? Sorry oh but you dey confuse me small sha but i will leave this for another day gotta go was fun! Ciao!

      Delete
    12. Anonymous8/23/2013

      @Anon 4:41, tradition has nothing to do with Africa. Everyone (incl the white man) has a tradition. The white man only brought their tradition to Africa - they did not bring the Christian God. God had always been here with us. We just did not know Him - neither did most of the white men that came to Africa! Most of them came here for business, except for the missionaries. It's so amazing that we (Africans) now take God (Christianity) to the white man's land.
      I go by what the Bible says - not what the white man said.

      Delete
  9. Interesting views - willing to 'listen' to what others will say.
    I can tell who is married/not-married by the responses they give...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous8/23/2013

    Staying at home for 3yrs doing nothing and she lacks basic things wich he cannot provide,If thier children come what will be your fate? You better go for the job,if he truly loves u he will look 4 u to settle things amicably instead of making urself miserable at home doing nothing, what for? Is that really love.....(slavery love)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Unmarried

      Delete
    2. This Anon tagging married n unmarried which one u b, is it until pple post their marriage cetificate b4 u know they r married...

      Delete
    3. Who is dis Anon tagging married n unmarried, r we to start showing our marriage certificate b4 u know who is married or not...

      So in some traditional wedding ceremonies that idols r used r u saying God is recognizing dat?..so in other countries dat traditional weddings r not done,God does not recognize those marriages abi to u its just format?

      Delete
    4. Anonymous8/23/2013

      @Balo, please give an example of a country where you do not go and ask for the hand of your wife from the parents.
      Every country has a tradition and marriage, as recognised by God, is same in all countries. You ask the parents of the girl to release their daughter in marriage... this has nothing to do with the idols that could play out, as it is in some places. Hope this clarifies.
      Tagging married/unmarried becos by their fruits you shall know them.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous8/23/2013

      No marriage is not the same in all places Google is your friend

      Delete
    6. Anonymous8/23/2013

      The Bible is ya friend @ Anon 4:31

      Delete
    7. Shayor@Soup-aBowl8/23/2013

      Pls this anonymous, ow av u helped d poster so far? U just tag 'not married', no concrete advice so far! Did u just come 2 argue abt which marriage is accepted by God? *confused*

      Delete
  11. Situations like this u need ur parents..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Probably married

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/23/2013

      It depends on what kind of parents you have if it is the traditional my daughter must bear MRS no matter what then am sorry they will only make things worse. If they are educated, exposed, enlightened parents who are open minded and want nothing but the best for their daughter then she maybe lucky am sorry but older as they are and wiser as they may be parents do not always know best. Especially since this generation has a totally different mindset and way of living from our parents who were raised in the 70s or early 80's.

      Delete
    3. By saying she needs her parent or an elder,I want to believe there are people in her family the husband will show some respect and listen to..

      I also don't want to believe that we have parents that train their kid through primary,secondary and university at this age,with d situation of the country,only for the child to get a form of employment and they will be against it..Especially when d know d salary will come in helpful for her and her family.

      However,I have a question for d poster? Why did you resign from your job three years ago? U knew quite well he couldn't provide all your needs like dat or was his situation then better than what it is now?

      Anyway,for him to actually agree u take d job and then disagree now means he can still agree.. Try to get people he respect to help talk to him or u forfeit the job and scout for job in your current city.. If after getting job in this current city he stilll disagrees then dat na another case.. *cheers*

      Delete
    4. Tagger8/24/2013

      Mama Ijebu - I dey feel you...

      Delete
  12. i don't know how the traditional marriage works but in these days and time marriage insist of 2 people working or if money is really good, one can stay home while the other works. In this situation, i just thinks she needs to have a talk with him. if he doesn't want to re-evaluate his decisions, then maybe its time that she took a break, a permenant break that is.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Unmarried

      Delete
  13. Anonymous8/23/2013

    i dont understand this they live in owerri and she got a job in warri. Am thinking the distance and when they eventually do church wedding who is going to relocate? Poster plz give specifics because ur story is kinda vague lacking some more necessary details we need. So is the job expected to be temproary. Why not get a job in owerri and see his reaction. Miss peony.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is a very difficult situation. I won't advice her to take the job rather I will tell her to look for job closer to owerri maybe ph or even in owerri there. For her to accept initially to quit her job long before her weddn shows she wanted d marriage more than d job. If a job is stressful for u get a new one before u quit that one very very necessary. Its not easy any where either. This is not a gra gra issue, I knw everyone want self fulfilment either married or single but once u are married u learn to live for each other.. Don't act nonchallantly here, work wit wisdom. If he refuses u to take d warri job den he should assist u to get one around. Warri is too far to owerri as a married lady. You never can tell how both of em can handle d vises that come wit distant relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  15. He stopped her from working 3yrs ago while they're still dating and she accepted. Why is she seeking for advice now that she is married? That we tell her to leave her husband? She knew him and what he's capable of doing before the marriage. This is just 4months living together o and she stayed 3yrs alone without job. Is the marriage an eye-opener for her? Let her search herself, What did she really want? Let her pray for herself and hubby, Let her talk with her husband and know why he doesn't want her to work, let her tell him what she really want. I believe they will work thing out as always. Remember, she has been obedient to him before she married him.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous8/23/2013

    pray about it dear pls.
    SEA MONSTER FOUND IN SPAIN BEACH... VISIT www.thenewslately.blogspot.com catch eye popping stories here

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Wetin pesin no go see for this blog Sea monster hahaha

      Delete
  17. Anonymous8/23/2013

    3 years and no work?? Hian!!! Naija women and marriage sha. There's nothing better than being financially independent! Do you boo!
    We have to find men that support us. I don't know how far both cities are so what are you guys plans? And all this start business talk.if you went to school use your degree abeg. Unless you have a passion for something then start a business.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Why are Ů people telling her to leave her marriage?why don't Ů guys just advice her to sort out things with her hubby and look for job in owerri where she will be together with her hubby.hmmmmm....people and their advices

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      Thank u my sister... seems it's so easy to just walk-out of marriage. I bet >90% of those asking her to walk out are not married. As marriage is not for boys, so is it not for girls.

      Delete
  19. Anonymous8/23/2013

    This girl is not wise at all no wonder the man walks all over her. He asked you to resign 3 years ago when you were still girlfriend with no other job in site you agreed. What have you been doing all that time? Did you go back to school to better your education? Did you start a business I mean were you just sitting at home idling? If yes then that is why the man is behaving the way he is.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Fyn Ijebu Chic8/23/2013

    Dear Poster or Poster's friend,
    My 2k advice is dat u look for a job close to ur base.
    Husband live for sokoto, wive live for ibadan is nt too gud. I personally dnt want u coming back here to ask us wat to do cos he is cheating on you.
    By the way, didn't u make pre marriage plans for ur life. Was ur plan all, after school, I marry.
    I wish u luck!!!
    B4 dat anon come tag me, I am single and planning wella!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      You are definitely planning well... You are a good candidate for marriage - carry go!

      Delete
  21. Anonymous8/23/2013

    Miss Poster, tell your friend to follow her heart.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous8/23/2013

    Baby Uk and fyn ijebu chic gave replies I like. Saw this post almost after Eya posted it and waited for other comments. Dear poster, except na 'shell' job for Warri which ur hubby won't even reject, pls give up the job. There are lots of sacrifices to make in marriage and one person must somtimes be foolish for peace sake. U knew this guy and his job stance even b4 trado. Ok let's say, u didn't know it wld be dis difficult, that's y God always gives us plan B. I resigned from my sweet job wen I relocated to join hubby and wen no job was forth coming, I started working from home. Business dear! I started events decoration from home until growth forced me to expand. Now I'm richer than hubby, but he doesn't know o. There are many things u must like abt ur hubby, compare it wt this 'issue' and make the final choice. Believe me, distance marriage isn't sweet. God bless u

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/23/2013

      She dat has ear let her hear!
      Thanks for the sound wisdom... but sha, which one bi say ya hubby no know you're richer - hope you are not still draining the guy?
      @Poster, listen to sound advice from people who have either passed through that road or those with godly wisdom.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/23/2013

      I am richer than hubby but he doesn't know LOL!!! The issue here is that the man is not providing for her that is why she got the job because if he was she would not even have bothered looking and in Warri of all the places when they live in Owerri

      Delete
    3. Anonymous8/23/2013

      I pray my wife makes more money than she can spend! Dat is very difficult for a woman with all the trendy stuffs in town.
      JO - I envy ya hubby.
      WC - I love this site. I really appreciate my wifey for bringing this to my attention.

      Delete
  23. Yes o, I'm draining him as much as I possibly can cos the money is used in the family so he aint complaining. I've been the good wife who gave up her well paying job, familiar environment and all for love so its fair we spend he's money*winks*. Believe, women have got extra strength and wisdom they don't know they posses. She can raise money to enrol for a craft(yes she can genuinely do it) and have a sweet talk wt hubby......JO.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous8/23/2013

    Pls go get your job, you wil b happy later in life that you got one.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous8/23/2013

    My dear, tel her to pls talk 2 her husband and apply wisdom o. If dat didnt wk. U better accept d job in Warri o and wk.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This Anon tagging people married and unmarried! Na wa for u o, Instead of give advice to person, you spend your time tagging. Madam Poster, since it has happened like this, it's better you find out the reason for your husband's refusal. But personaly, I won't advise u to live in Owerri and work in Warri as a married woman. This is a marriage you're just building, it needs your full attention. Pls try find another job for Owerri or learn a skill. Bless u. Mr tag man, keep tagging.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/24/2013

      Its funny wt the tagging but there's a silent msg there. A married person, who has seen life from another angle wldnt give the same advice an unmarried wld(not all sha)
      P.S. I'm not d one doing the tagging pls

      Delete
    2. Tagger8/24/2013

      @Anon 6:42 - ese pupo!

      Delete
  27. Anonymous8/24/2013

    I am the one tagging... and there are messages in it. Advices from the married (& those with marriage wisdom) are definitely different.
    Marriage is a project that gives you quality products and those that are in it know that 'no bi easy project'. You don't advice someone to abandon his/her marriage so easily without putting in the effort to make it work...
    We are all in school here and learning - make una no vex for me o!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/24/2013

      Tagger, could you please tag anon 4:35pm 22 AUg. I'm so tripped by her opinion

      Delete
    2. Tagger8/24/2013

      @Anon 9:00am (Anon 4:35pm 23Aug) is definitely married - even if she had not said it...
      Marriage no bi school for the lilly livered - they always drop out!

      Delete

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