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Am I A Heartless Wife?

Hello Eya, and wives connection readers. I just realized that my husband doesn't like to see me save money. Everytime he knows I have money, he won't rest until that money is finished kpata kpata. He either borrows never to pay back or becomes very stingy and makes it almost impossible for me to see his money, that way I have no choice than spend the little I have on the house.

Recently, I told myself that things can't continue this way. I took drastic steps to make sure I have a little savings for myself. How can a woman be married for good
seven years without even a fifty thousand Naira in her account as savings?( I deposit today and withdraw next week) What if tomorrow becomes rainy? What do I fall back on? My three kids are here growing so fast like Agric fowl.

OK, I started being a little private with some of my monies and keeping little by little away. You see my husband, he is smarter and has successfully known how to make me desperate and helpless so I end up spending every dime I have, all the time. 

These days, when he refuses to bring money, I keep quiet and just watch ( knowing he has). I try my best to feed the kids before he comes back and then we stay and look at each other's face. When I tell him there is no food because there was no money, he says 'AM HEARTLESS" having made up my mind. I will continue this way. He saves, even has domiciliary accounts which he spends at will on matters that really affect him personally. So my money is not good for savings? When he doesn't give me an allowance for feeding, I just sit down and look. Sometimes I drive out with my kids, feed them and return. I have tried too hard trying to make things work and this is why a woman like me has no savings. I work and spend everything on the house because of my naivety and perhaps lack of wisdom.

"No money, no food," that is my new policy but he hates it so much and thinks am the most heartless woman in the world. I want to know of others please, am I really heartless and should I continue spending every dime without being able to save for myself. I need advice on this matter please. Looking back, if I continue this way, I may never have my personal savings. Is what am doing wrong?  

Eya please hide my ID and post let other women judge this matter and advise me.
Thank you.

Comments

  1. Anonymous8/08/2013

    Don't mind him Oo┬║°˚ u r sooooo not heartless in any way. Try and save something. As long as you feed your children cos trust me that man is eating very well outside and is coming to pretend to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Personal I dnt believe in any sneaky business cos one thing leads to the other. I am also an advocate for 100% transparency in marriage. I am also not good at lies or deception. If I try that one I will just fall my hand tots!

    Pls madam talk to your husband and cone to an arrangement with him. Pray for him too. Have a serious talk with him and tell him all ur frustration. Then both of you shud sort things out and agree on the way things shud go moving foward. Be subtle but firm...and use all the persuasive weapons you have in ur arsenal.

    Pls dnt be hiding things like that from him. One thing leads to the other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Queen Bee8/08/2013

      Madam Ahdaiyse,make una leave all these transparency talk aside,cos I know even he is not transparent to his wife,else she will know and have access to all his funds!eeeehnnn?so it should be one sided ko?
      It's obvious she would have tried talking to him,such pple naturally think they are even too wise for God.
      So pls madam poster,u are not in any way wicked,continue hiding ur money very well.let him also understand dat by right he is supposed to be the sole provider of the family,anything u have is a bonus and u choose or not to add it!
      Smh#somemendou#

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/08/2013

      Ahdaisy u need to understand that life isnt black and white. People are not perfect. Things are not perfect. People come from different backgrounds and see things very differently. This transparency thing can only work on certain types of people and its obvious this man doesnt belong to that group. I love you(well elove) but please when advising people try to be balanced.

      Poster please if you can feed your kids and save some money, please go ahead. I am sorry but you have to have something to fall back on just incase.

      Delete
    3. Mrs Anon3/22/2014

      Gbam. It doesn't work for everybody. Why? Because of different personality types. E.g. I have a sister who does joint account with her hubby from d beginning of their marriage. Well it works for them but she will be d same person to come and tell me how frustrated she is dat d husband went and cleared d last money just to install some fancy decoration in their shop when there is no food at home... Me am not interested in joint acct and neither is my hubby. As long as i have an idea of my hubbys earning range (tho not100%) and he does of mine we are cool. Even when I knew he was earning mega bucks I didn't care cos am not d materialistic type and he adores that about me, and trusts me so much financially. When I wasn't working I stayed like that, took whatever he gave me without thinking oh he shd be givin more cos afterall he has plenty... He knows what I earn and he will never ask no matter how tight he is, even when I see that he doesn't have and I offer my little one he will decline and tell me to save instead. I have to virtually force him to take cos I know that when he has he never deprives me... but he will rather borrow from outside to feed me and my kids. For this I can gladly give him ALL my life salary / savings I tell u. And he appreciates too. It is strange to see the opposite in a man.

      Delete
  3. Anonymous8/08/2013

    First of all I will say you spoilt your hubby. Any approach you start with a man csn never be changed. You were trying to impress from the onset and nailed yourself. What he's doing now is to pass guilt trip on you.
    My advice, in order for you to save your money without batting an eyelid is to do monthly savings with an insurance company. You can do 1, 3 or 5 years plan.its very helpful and you won't regret

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous8/08/2013

    Plssss save for the childrens sake,God forbids if anything happens 2morrow u will go begging

    ReplyDelete
  5. I knw someone in exactly this position in her home. D marriage is just one year old. This man collects her nysc allowee and even any money someone dashes their new baby. Wen d lady complained to her moda inlaw all she said was "that was the problem I had with his dad, he must ve taken after him in dat".. Let me relax and read comments from other married women and knw how to counsel her.. Aunty eya wat of Mrs B?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pinkyberry,
      I'm fine :), sorry I haven't been on here often. I've just been trying to rest.
      Just catching up on all posts now and saw this. Thanks for asking, God bless you

      Delete
  6. Anonymous8/08/2013

    My dear I ain't married but my aunty went tru dis for yrs! She would even convert naira to pounds sometimes to pay her kids tuition and her husband works too even stays in d UK! You spoilt him, if u had been firm frm d on set, e no go be like dis! Abeg SAVE oooooo. You are not heartless abeg!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Madam poster I dey vex for you ooooh, I am an advocate of transparency, but at issues like this please bend the rules. Just as anon 6:24 rightly said, you started it all by trying to be helpful or impress your hubby and now he has moved the small responsibility to you. If you don't take precautions you will end up paying for food, school fees and even rent aswell with your little earnings.
    I would usually not comment on marital post, because no two homes are same, but am writing this one out of experience. Pls you are not heartless in anyway, just keep your cool and save your tiny earning. Or better still open another account don't collect a passbook or cheque book either. He won't find out about it and when he does your hubby would be happy you did. Please save for financial security and reject rainy days in your life. It can only get better.
    Also try and help out in the home but not with all your savings. Pray about your hubby and talk to him. He would turn around for good.
    I am entitled to my opinion, please don't sleep on a fence madam.
    Goodluck

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous8/08/2013

    You are not heartless my dear. I am in the same problem. My husband does allow me work. He pays me allowance monthly. Though he brings in money for food, its so meagre I end up using my allowance for feeding. At the end of the day nothing to save. I've been married for 20 yrs now with four children. I don't even have up to 50k in my account. Try as I may, I'll always go withdraw because the children always make demand. He make himself so unapprochable that the children will rather go without than ask him. By the way, he is well to do but rather prefers spending it outside, building gigantic houses just to impress people on the outside. My advice put your foot down now and demand he gives you money for family up keep. He will change if he sees you're not bulging. For as long as u feed and cater for the kids, u'll never have enough to save.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Division starts when you feed urself and kids and not feed him...

    You won't want to see a big line dividing ur family. So I'll advice that you both list ur responsibilities and share them.

    A friend of mine, in their home, the hubby takes care of all the bills, rents and family upkeeps from his earnings, while the lady takes care of the kitchen exclusively from her own pay.

    Think again, those pay other bills?



    Nuff'Said...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs Anon3/22/2014

      The big line dividing this family is the one created by the husband who refuses to feed his wife and children. What kind of heart has he got?? To think that he can call another person heartless....

      Delete
  10. Anonymous8/08/2013

    To be candid, no matter how much a woman has is a man's duty to bring money for food, school fees and house rent. And a woman is there to assist him esp when he has a project like building. Honestly u started it that's why. My mum told me b4 I got married that I shld never take d responsibilities of food stuffs, fees and house rent. And also said whatever u can't finish don't start it. My advice for u is that call ur hubby and discuss with him bcos u can't continue this way bcos whatever u r doing ur kids r watching. U guys can share d responsibilities in d house. U can take d responsibilities of buying cloth for ur kids,take care of urself and other small things. And he will bring money for food, pay school fees etc if need for assist u can help him out. Above all ur money is also his money. Pls avoid collecting money from him every week. As d month is ending make a list of all u need, give him and collect d money esp for food. Pls have a secret savings for ur kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your mother is a wise woman..

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/14/2014

      very wise indeed

      Delete
  11. Pls u r not heartless. It is only he hu wears d shoe dt knws wher it is paining him. Save ur moni 2 avoid stories dt touch 2mor. Somtyms I hv 2 wonder hw som peo r wired. Pls sav ur moni. If being heartless wld save u heartache 2mor, den by all means remain heartless.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That is d problem people make... I always tell people, don't take advise hook line and sinker, look at your own situation and take the part of the advise u know will work well for you...

    Look, there are some men dat don't care if u have money in your account, they will give u upkeep money even if na borrow dem go borrow am cause they believe its their responsibility while some believe whatever u have has to be spent in d home since u are a helper..People have differnt orientation..That's y when people talk about transparency in marriage,u have to sit down and think and pick an advise that best works for your situation...

    Now to the question at hand, u are not a wicked woman,he is just trying to work on your conscience probably because dats how u started with him from the scratch..

    First of all, try to talk to him, tell him how u feel and what u need from him and hencefort,u have to be firm on your decisions.. no money means no Money!.. Start doing monthly savings, atleast when there is no money in your account there won't be anything to withdrawl..

    I know a woman this type of thing happened to and to turn situation around,it wasn't easy at all..It got to a point dat they were always quarelling and their home was hot, close family friends had to intefer before the Man finally gave in and started droping money but u can try the easy way, before u approach him, try praying and fasting for 3days dats God should touch his heart and make him do whatever u want, then after the 3days,the holy spirit will direct u on how to approach and tackle the issue...I know am sounding all spiritual and all but believe me,the prayer way is easier and better, except u want to try the fire for fire method..

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous8/08/2013

    Dese type of men don‘t change becos dats how dy r;my dear u‘re nt heartless bt i‘d prefer u cuk&let hm partake in d meals as i dnt belve in starvin a man becos he might start datin sm1 outsid&ds might affect d kids wen dy grow up;no more moni 4 hm&stick 2 it,Its well.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Godchic8/08/2013

    When I hear stories like this,I almost develop instant migraine, these days marriages are a joke.not to digress,madam have u heard of investment savings?for the sake of ur kids and for ur own sake,pls walk into any bank and make enquiries,u won't regret it,and No ure not heartless!! One more thing,now for the sake of ur marriage,pls kindly take a day or even 3days to pray and cry to God,commit ur situation to him and then like adhaisy said call ur husband and speak to him as a loving wife,if he responds as he should then God be praised,u can be a family again,but still do ur investment savings,what sane man wouldn't want his wife independent to an extent anyway!! P.s I should warn u I'm not married ooo.totally speaking from a young,well balanced,single 27yr old's perspective. Selah.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Godchic8/08/2013

    Godbless u Lnc if I had read ur comment I wouldn't have even bothered wiv my epistle.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous8/08/2013

    You are not heartless. Pls save. If something happens tomorrow,and your all husband's money goes down the drain(God forbid), you'll save the day with your savings, and he'll bless the day he married. We are not hoping for that though. Bottom line keep saving your money.and also talk to him about it. Kpele

    ReplyDelete
  17. It sure amazes me the type of marriages we have in Nigeria. Gone are the days when a husband says, this is my money and the wife says, that is my money.

    Shouldn't it be OUR money?

    Saving money is a great idea which every man/woman should support so my dear lady you are not heartless but there's a problem in the fact that you have been pushed to hide and save the money. There's also a problem if your hubby needs to hide to save money or in this case, stop providing the family's basic needs in an effort to play on your emotions so that you spend on those. I don't think money is the root of the problem. Please both of you should go back to the drawing board and really find out what the problem is. It may be a problem of trust.

    Ideally, savings should be discussed between the hubby and wife and a certain amount of money agreed on to be put away monthly for the FAMILY savings, not personal savings.

    I don't really have much to say because I am so used to I and hubby having the same account that I am shocked that in this day and age, a wife does not know exactly how much her husband is worth and vice versa. I strongly believe that 2 people who do not know this basic information about each other have no business being married to each other.

    This is why lots of people die and leave millions of Naira in banks because NOBODY knows they have such amount. They even make their spouses next of kin in such accounts without telling them. They prefer to make the banks richer than have their family enjoy the money after they are gone. This is never a smart move in a marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elisoft8/08/2013

      Aunty Flo, thank you for your exposition. This is how a open one should b to his/her spouse in a healthy marriage. If only most of our Nigerian men will see this and make amends.
      Most men treat marriage like a contractual agreement with selfish motives.
      Poster, I know you must have discussed this matter over and over again with your hubby before coming to this conclusion.
      So pls keep saving and keep doing what is best for your marriage. U know your husband and how best to handle him.
      All d best

      Delete
    2. Thank you Flo, I can't add anything more.

      Delete
  18. ijeoma8/08/2013

    You should tell your husband to add you to his account.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous8/08/2013

    @Poster, if all things are equal, I think your hubby is being self. A responsible man assume his responsibilities irrespective of what the wife earns. On the other hand, there is no trust/openess in the relationship because you ought to know when your hubby has or not. He may be struggling at his business/work and just trying to cover up that all is well. The best line is COMMUNICATION! If he is working, is he being paid or working in one of the companies that dont pay salaries? if business, is the business thriving? All these are fundamentals and needs to be addressed before concluding that the man has money but does not want to bring. He may have hidden this part cos of ego as most naija men do but will jump at every possible offer to assist financially.

    concerning saving, FLO has already answer that question. Both of you need to come to agreement on running the home, projects to be embarked, savings for the rains and the modality. In such situations, a decision is reached on whose money should be used to keep the home running, put to savings or put to the project.

    I do not believe the man is 100% to be blamed from your story.

    As for me, I take responsibilities of everything in our home when hubby does not have - of I know when he has or not!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Go for counselling with ur husband. There may be underlying reasons fr his attitude n hurtful comments. And u will be able to air ur grievances too. Hopefully n with prayers there will be resolution.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well said Flo and Ace. They really need to sort things out. It is neither normal nor ideal nor healthy for a family to live this way. Sadly so many women live like this so they think it is normal. It isnt. when one or both parties start trying to do 'sense' on each other..things start to get senseless.

    Husband and wife are a team, not oponents in anyway. They are to encourage and complement each other. Imagine if ur husband finds out one day that U have secret savings, 'heartless' is the nicest word he will call you. He can even accuse you of infidelity.. Such men will not be happy you did even if ur savings saved his life. When he rembers ur days of not giving him food...hm...

    Like I said before, one thing leads to the other. From selective feeding and secret savings to more secrets, lack of trust, blacmail, emotion and/or physical abuse, lack of unity and so on. Sit Oga down and bring out the drawing board.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/08/2013

      This woman, y do u trust people so much????

      It is well

      Delete
    2. Mrs Anon3/22/2014

      What about the secrets the man is keeping in his own accounts ?? Is it not the duty of a man to provide for his household again? If u can't or won't then u should remain single now.. Or are we no longer in Africa again?

      Delete
  22. Anonymous8/08/2013

    Madam poster, I'm sure u're a xtian... Who is ur mentor, what is ur standard? If anything happens to you tomoro, what happens to ur secret savings?
    Do u know u're teaching ur children deceit, lies and unfaithfulness... This is how most parent subject their kids to unruly behaviour unknowingly... Those kids are watching you my dear... Save them the drama!
    My advise is... Provide food in the home, but in lower quantity. Reduce ur spending both on ur self and the kids... The money used in taking the kids out can be used for pot of soup or stew.. Give ur hubby food no matter what and reduce the quantity and the orichy orichy in the food! Just cut down spending on every side a little bit and u get to save too!

    Meanwhile pray endlessly for him.. And God sees ur heart!
    Gradually u're becoming ur hubby by being stingy...
    Like I said, God sees ur heart! So make ur way straight,
    Besides I'm sure u already see ursef as being heartless.. So amend ur ways and feed ur man b4 some1else does for you..

    Patsy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous8/09/2013

      Well said

      Delete
    2. Anonymous8/09/2013

      Anon 9:52, I don't support you! no way!... Do u know y she needs her secret savings,cause she needs money to buy some one or two things she needs for her self.. Didn't you read where she said d man doesn't give her money for upkeep of the house???
      God forbid,if anything happens to the woman's parents or her younger ones need something from her and her husband is not in town,what does she do?

      If it was a home where she knows her husbands worth, what he has in d bank account and he is open with her,then fine,it will be wicked for her to be saing behind him..But forget o, a man dat won't rest until u spend all your money before he starts giving, a man dat might probably have properties only in his own name,u kidding me right?

      God sees her heart quite alright and dat doesn't make her dumb..It is only fair to give based on people's situation and not your own situation..and am sorry,if u happen to be in d same shoes as d poster, then my advise for the poster also applies to you

      Flo made a very sensible advise, from her own point,the man and d woman should be open with themselves.. But from this situation they are not, so we have to advise based on this..

      Dear poster, u are not selfish, save,have some money just incase of emergency..

      Life is not Black or White, we have different shades of GREY too

      Delete
  23. The easiest way to save is to join a contribution. If you keep saving in an account in d bank, something may come up and that's how u'll run and withdraw everything.
    I'm sure other of your trusted colleagues will be interested if they have not already started! Maybe 50k monthly, each month one of you will pack. Ensure you are d one to pack last. After 6 months that's 300k right there. Look for an investment bank and chuk it there.
    By the time it's a year, u've gotten almost a million naira in savings. Please disregard what these people are saying, as a wife you should have your personal savings! Have you read about the Proverbs 31 wife?
    Recently my mom's car started giving her issues, it drained so much money that she parked it at home and started hopping public transport. Our eldest sister out of d blue surprised her with a toyota camry (fairly used) pencil light. It was jaw dropping, none of us thought she could afford that being a civil servant and all. Even her hubby started praising her not to talk of my mom's blessings on her.
    Aside your hubby and kids, your family may also need you soonest, ur parents are aging, you really need your own savings for when you'll be needed.
    Sorry for the epistle. I pray you get wisdom for this situation. Cheers :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. The easiest way to save is to join a contribution. If you keep saving in an account in d bank, something may come up and that's how u'll run and withdraw everything.
    I'm sure other of your trusted colleagues will be interested if they have not already started! Maybe 50k monthly, each month one of you will pack. Ensure you are d one to pack last. After 6 months that's 300k right there. Look for an investment bank and chuk it there.
    By the time it's a year, u've gotten almost a million naira in savings. Please disregard what these people are saying, as a wife you should have your personal savings! Have you read about the Proverbs 31 wife?
    Recently my mom's car started giving her issues, it drained so much money that she parked it at home and started hopping public transport. Our eldest sister out of d blue surprised her with a toyota camry (fairly used) pencil light. It was jaw dropping, none of us thought she could afford that being a civil servant and all. Even her hubby started praising her not to talk of my mom's blessings on her.
    Aside your hubby and kids, your family may also need you soonest, ur parents are aging, you really need your own savings for when you'll be needed.
    Sorry for the epistle. I pray you get wisdom for this situation. Cheers :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous5/28/2014

    This is interesting. Exactly what is happening to me. I have complained even begged my hubby to allow me have access to my money so i can save. Each time i complain, he becomes angry and tells me that he will never ask me of any money again but the truth is that before 3 hours, he will still ask me for money which he will never pay.
    i decided i will never give him again if he ask and managed to save 30,000 but i am always due for delivering my baby now and he has refused to give me money to buy babies things so i will end up using the money i save to buy the things anyway.
    Just keep praying, it is only God that will save us my dear poster.

    ReplyDelete

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