My Fiance Confessed, Should I Leave Him?

Hello Aunty Eya and everyone on wives connection, thank you all for the things I've learnt on the wc blog. I just found the blog a few weeks back and have learnt so much already from recipes and advice given to posters. Having just graduated and planning to settle down with my fiance but he just did something I don't know how to manage.

One thing that freaks me out is the mere sight of an arm (gun), any type. I can't stand the sight of whatever causes harm to humans. 

While discussing last weekend, my
fiance confessed that he had carried a gun before while an undergrad in School. He said that he and a few of his broke friends went robbing for money, snatched a car, dumped it somewhere and escaped with the money they realized. Even though he says that was his first and last adventure back then as a student. That no one fired and that the empty guns were just to make people part with money.

It leaves me worried that he must have been a cult guy. Sincerely,I don't know how to handle this.

My mind tells me to dump him and move on with my life. Yesterday, I went to see him but couldn't even eat from the same plate with him cos of that confession. He swore that he doesn't have any arm with him right now, that those were his childish days he has overgrown. He calls it a childish stupid adventure but I don't believe  because I have heard that any dog that goes to taste a chicken's egg may try it again in future. I am too scared right now to feel free with him. 

We have both met our parents but I don't think I can go on. I would have preferred he never told me this cos I don't think I  have the guts to handle it. 

What can I do? Shouldn't I move on and wait for a good man to come my way?
My head is so confused Aunty Eya. I need advice. ( Please delete all my details).

Comments

  1. hmm to be frank I do not know what to tell you..reading it alone got me scared and I can't even imagine how you feel.. If you are religious, you can talk to your pastor or priest. I do hope you come to a reasonable decision. Take care.

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    1. Once an armed robber, always an armed robber. God forbid u have really difficult times in future wen u married to him. I'm sure u know wat next? Na to enter street once again be dat with armoured tank this time sef. Mehn, dat guy na badest market. Pls drop him like its hot.

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  2. Anonymous7/27/2013

    This is a case of the man revealing too much early. If you feel that you can't stand the thought or the man, take a break without letting him know that you are doing that and examine how you feel about him after the break. But remember that he took you into confidence when telling you that and believed that you could handle it. If I was in the man's shoe though, I would never tell that to any soul.

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    1. Exactly @ your last line. There are some things better left unsaid that ought to follow one to the grave. He may be telling the truth about it being a one off though.
      Poster, I understand your concerns and fears but I'm tempted to believe your man is being honest. Prior to this recent development, has he ever given you a reason or reasons to think he's still carries gun about? What's his source of income? Is it a 9-5 job or business? If its the latter, do you know the kind and nature of the business as well as his business associates? Is he a night crawler? Does he take his calls in your presence? Do you know his circle of friends and what they do for a living? If he's a salary earner, do you think his lifestyle is above his income? Is he an extravagant person? If the answers to this questions gives you any cause to be concerned, I suggest you chill and think of what next to do.
      Above all, listen to your heart and work with your head. Talk to God about it and He will answer you.
      I sincerely wish he's truly repented and not lying to you. Best wishes darl.

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    2. @Nekky awesome u spoke well, I really like ur analysis, u broke every thing down good job.

      Delete
  3. Anonymous7/27/2013

    Follow your heart and be proud/glad you did at the end.

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  4. Anonymous7/27/2013

    See an elderly for counsel&guidance esp a pastor,as leavin @ ds stage may b risky as he az taken u into confidence&pray always.

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  5. Anonymous7/27/2013

    What if the confession came after u had married him and even had kids for him before the confession came?

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  6. Scary...To handle a gun while still in school means he was probably a cultist then.. The question now is,is he still a cultist? U know some people still continue after school.. They join the ones for graduates.. How is his relationship with God? Is he a good christain now or is he a sunday sunday christain? What type of friends does he keep now?.. The situation is a whole lot complex but I will advise to talk to your pastor as suggested or u seek d advise of an elderly person (definiitely not your parents or family o and don't tell them its ur fiancee,just paint a scenario)

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  7. Anonymous7/27/2013

    Question:"Shouldn't I move on and wait for a good man to come my way?"
    Answer: What's the guarantee that that so called good man didn't have a worse past?...
    You don't trust your Fiance, and he trusts you (probably gave out that info too early though), but what if he had told you 2weeks after marriage? would you have considered divorce or seperation?
    Find out if he's the man for you,and don't put into consideration his past,otherwise, you wouldn't find peace within. if you have a spiritual mentor, discuss with him.
    P.S: The so called "good man" you may want to wait for may have been the "devil's Handbag" in the past or even the present, when you see him, kindly inform him on time not to reveal any of his ugly past.

    At the end, do whatever makes you find peace within yourself....
    (Note that this is my answer to your question).......however, just wanted you to consider the above ....ehnnnmm...sorry, can't remember the word/s right now, but u understand.I should just call it paragraph.

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  8. Hmmmm see how my guy went selfdestruct,just coz of spineless female waist pipe. I guess you gave him a rare treat that made him to start confessing.
    My answer goes in form of a question.
    WILL YOU FORGIVE A FIANCE THAT HAD MAYBE ONE OR MORE ABORTION IN THE PAST,If you were a guy?
    Ka Chineke mezie okwu.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

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    1. Johnson7/27/2013

      Forgiveness (from God) will come out of true repentance - no matter what the situation had been. However, it's only the Holy Spirit that is able to bring one to genuine repentance.
      @Poster, does your man love/fear God? What are the visible testimonies to this fact? Who are his friends?
      Take a step back and weigh your decsions - who you marry is the most important decision you'll make after salvation!

      Delete
    2. Sincerely, this guy loves you to his core bones... If he doesn't he won't have divulged so much of his heavy past.

      You need to take a chill pill, I won't force you to marry him if you sincerely think you can't anymore cos this same matter can rear it's ugly head all through the marriage and you both up in a divorce.

      Think about it...

      1) What if you marry a man who looks responsible but a real thief after you leave this one, one who will never disclose until the day the police come knocking? NOTE: most kidnappers her like that, they have a cover kinda business and their main wealth comes from kidnapping.

      2) Get a grip from the fact that he told you and you dint find out from any other source, that alone speaks volume of his sincerity and newness.

      3) Give him the benefit of doubt.... No man is holy, na who talk him own naim we know, what of those wey no talk nko?




      Nuff'Said!

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    3. Anonymous7/27/2013

      Bonaventure! U gave the lamest advice. What is happening to u these days? Oh! I can see you are on your period.

      Delete
  9. Often I hear us preach Transparency transparency in relationships and marriages but yet we've not asked if we truly can handle it. Just like someone said, if he had told you a week or two after marriage would you have divorced him?
    Truthfully, how many guys does what he did? Even the conc born-again? And some will claim "ah God has forgiven me so no need to re-visit it". This guy is rare I tell you(that's if he has never given you any strong reason to doubt him before now).
    I don't think its too early nor blame him for telling you his past, it takes a man to come to terms with who he was/is and be sincere to a lady he loves; he loves you and most of all trusts you with his worst.
    Taking that he's saying the truth, a guy that stole and a lady that's had abortion in the past or even allowed a guy train her thru school and end up disappointing him, who has a greater sin? All are same. We will argue that its not enough to leave a lady coz she murdered an innocent soul out of ignorance and youthful exuberance and so if God has forgiven who are we not to?
    I understand you're hurt but am happy he told you this now so that if you can't handle it you just quietly take a walk and wait for the "good man" with a perfect past.
    My take is that you take sometime apart(say 2weeks) and lay down your cards clearly to know which piece to take; let it be a time to truthfully reflect.
    Use your head before your heart

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  10. Realist7/27/2013

    What scares me about this story is that he ACTUALLY robbed people. Did he kill anyone? has he completely turned from his ways? These are questions that will always hunt you. Maybe in the future he might fall on hard times and decide to go back to his old trade. Then he will tell you that you knew he was a thief.

    Its scary really but you know him more than we all do. Do you really believe it was a one off thing? Can you live without this guy? I always say 'follow your own instinct' Do that which your heart asks you to.

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  11. Anonymous7/27/2013

    See if he's changed frm his past, n hw do u go abt it? Check his kind of friends n his conversations on phone, wat nature of work, his salary, expenses, his attitude generally n his relationship wt GoD. He's doing d right thing 4 telling u d truth, but u've 2 knw d reason y he's telling u ds, is it so that in d future he'll not be blamed 4 not telling u his true kind of person or is it a genuine repentance? These r d things u shud consiser. Though he can still change 4 d better, u can't tell who's d right man. This' not d tym 2 run n leave him pls he needs ur encouragement. Kattyreality

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  12. Wht of he didn't tell u? Search urself as long as u r convinced dt he is d man u truly xpct him 2 b, 4giv his past.

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  13. Ladies we always demand for the truth. And when it comes,some of us cant handle it. The guy trusted you, told he what he told you.. i understand your confusion. But since u guys were dating did you see any signs of him being harmful or him being an armed robber? Has he really changed? dont judge him by his past please. now i see where ds stupid saying came from 'a man who has never lied to his girl doesnt respect her" ..if i were in ur shoes, i'd talk about this with him, let him know my fears,he's supposed to be ur bestfriend abi?... if a guy dumps a girl who had had abortions in the past.. or who was a runz girl in school but has turned a new leaf..we say the guy is mean. plz think about this properly, pray about it, talk to him about it..if u feel peace after all these, go ahead. But just know, its not always greener on the other side. That's a truthful man u've got there.. and guess what? they are hard to find.

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  14. Queen Bee7/27/2013

    Pls don't leave him,cos the devil u know is better than the angel u are yet to know!
    And pls don't make him know dat it really bothered u to the point of wanting to break the relationship cos he will feel really bad and will never tell u anything negative about himself whether now or in the future.
    Pls don't judge him,none of us is perfect, but we thank God for the blood of Jesus.

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    1. Anonymous7/31/2013

      The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. devil and Angel can never be compared, i say you will say that devil was a former Angel, but his name name and act changed the moment he veered off his divine assignment

      Delete
  15. Hello poster,
    I think that what he told you had weighed on his conscience for years, he probably never told anyone and decided to confide in you so as to get it off his chest but also so that he wouldn't hide anything from you.

    To be sure whether he's stopped that act, you should ask yourslef the following: Has he asked God for forgiveness? And like some people said, what is his character like now? What does he do for a living? If its business, what kind of business? What type of friends does he have? Does he keep late nights? etc.

    Also, you need to confide in someone who can give you advice as well as pray for and with you. Please see your religious leader and I highly recommend counselling for you both. That will also help.

    If you leave him, you can't be sure that the next person you meet will be better than him... As long as you're sure it's in his past and he's told you the truth, I think you should forgive him and try to move on... It could be worse, what if he told you after the wedding and was still involved in it?

    Also don't forget to pray...

    All the very best!

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  16. Anonymous7/27/2013

    What is so wrong about this story is that you could even bring it up with some else and the worst part is putting it online. What the hell is wrong with you?

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  17. Anonymous7/27/2013

    If it were me,i would run.simples.
    An armed robber!! Innocent citizens would work hard, sweat blood make money and buy car,someone would snatch it from them and to top it off,threaten them with guns.
    How are you sure he has never harmed anyone?His excuse is that he was broke.Hmmm..why didn't he go home and steal from his parents and siblings.Is he the first broke person?If we all resort to armed robbery when we are broke,no one will be left standing.

    A guy handling a gun while in Uni means there's a huge chance that he was a cultist.We all know what the gun handling cultists get up to.

    Personally,i will never have anything to do with a former robber,a politician or a cultist.This is my personal opinion.Thank God he confessed.The ball is now in your court.
    Yes oo God is love,he who has no sin cast the first stone,bla bla.I'm not Jesus abeg,self preservation is the name of the game.

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  18. Anonymous7/27/2013

    I opened up to my supposed boyfriend about something that happened at a stage I wasn't sure were he stood in the relationship. He got angry I didn't tell him at the initial stage but had to wait for some months before telling him. I feared telling him initially because I didn't want to loose him but had to because I loved and respect him, that I didn't want him to hear from another ear that I kissed another guy. My relation was strained because of this and I cannot forgive myself for been foolish enough not to defend myself by fighting the guy involved, instead I allowed fear take over me before I came to my senses. My mess, my wrong, and my cross I'm carrying now. Most times I find it hard to forgive myself and wish it never happened. Sometimes I wish I never told him about it, but then I say to myself, a secret is a wound that wouldn't heal until its exposed for medical attention. I opened up because I wanted to come clean and be accountable to my boyfriend and never repeat such again. I have never had sex or cheated on any partner until this incidence happened. I couldn't hold it to myself I told my friends who stressed I had to tell him and some said I should keep it as a secret. I believe in transparency and that forgiveness is key. The pain from this experience is so strong and has left a scare in my heart. I made a promise and prayed to God not be caught in such a mess again because I don't want to keep secrets from the man I love.
    MEE

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  19. My dear run 4/40 oh. We always ask God for a sign and when he shows us, we ignore it. He told you not because he has stopped it, but to give you a false sense of security to continue his deeds and not make you suspect again. This his confession is the hand of God right there.
    Hmmm, no one will come and live with you when the katakata go burst. Why don't you conduct your own findings. Didn't he attend Uni in 9ja? Ask around, from former schoolmates etc
    Cultists are usually well known, there should be people willing to download the gist for you, don't rush into this in the name of marriage.
    That's how my friend's sister's wedding turned into Seadogs confraternity meeting, with cutlasses, bandana's, folded legs of one trousers etc. All d guests had to flee.
    I will advice you as a sister, don't marry him! I just turned down a proposal from a guy that was heavily into Yahoo! Yahoo!, he said he has stopped, but the boys he trained are still in it in this Abuja. His current car is a proceed from the stuff, no one advised me, omo I took to my heels. Even if they say they've repented, there's always restitution, it may manifest in your Children's life, is that what you want?
    Don't ignore this major red flag! I have said my own!

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  20. Anonymous7/27/2013

    As 4 me I won't dump him bcos he wnts 2 b honest wif u,wat abt if he had decided not 2 tell u,dia is no way u will no,accept his past bcos God accept us d way we are if God can forgive us of our mistakes dem I don't c reason y u will wnt 2 dump him 4 been honest wif u.

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  21. Don't dump him oooo. He has confessed to u and he must have repented. Most of those things are usually youthful exhurberance. Pls dont leave him. Remember the story of the adultrous woman, jesus said 'let he without sin be the first to cast a stone' and told the wonan 'go and sin no more'.In my opinion, I don't think the best option is to leave him cos of his confession

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  22. Anonymous7/27/2013

    Hmmm! Its left 4 u 2 decide, n this' a tym 4 u 2 draw near 2 God, only Him wud directs ur footsteps. Ask God is there 2 answer u

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  23. Anonymous7/29/2013

    I do not think you should dump him. What I think you should do is not to rush into anything but study him for a while longer. I think if he told you, he probably loves you very much, it better than deceiving you until you are married. If you are a christian, pray to God for guidance.

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  24. MY DEAR PLS RUN FOR YOUR DER LIFE.LIFE HAS NO SPARE ND BESIDES A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT IS FAR MORE BETA DAN A BROKWEN MARRIAGE

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  25. Anonymous7/30/2013

    Is God invovled in this union in the first place? If not, pause, ask for his mercy and help, then start afresh by praying about the relationship, its better to kill a snake while its an egg. Once u a joined & no man can scatter ur union. I know how hard it is to follow this option. But trust God, it works. It worked for me once. And am happier, freer and alive than ever. Don't marry to cope with wat u ar not sure of. O...

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