Married To An Only Child, My Challenges

Problems With Mama Started From The Wedding Day

Hello,

As instructed, my name is ....., a mother of 3, married and live in ......... My phone number is 0805.......

I am married to an only child that was solely brought up by his mom and it's been a little over 4yrs since we got married. For financial reasons, we started off with court wedding after which we did the church and reception

I started having problem with mother in law (mama) from the wedding day. I am the quiet type and mama is a socialite and the party going type. While preparing for the wedding, she said

she was going to buy the clothes we would use for the traditional marriage and I sent pictures via my sister to her on what we wanted only for her to turn it down that am not fashionable and that her son can't wear such. 

Hubby said I should let her decide and buy. She ended up giving me the clothes she had in her box for me to use and I didn't get to see it till about a day for the wedding. I couldn't tell anyone cos its not befitting and everybody was disappointed.

The traditional wedding list items they were to come with, all the yams were spoilt and not even complete, most were not brought and the ones brought, were not complete. For the bride boxes, though I did not expect them to buy clothes cos we all know I have more than enough and I even give to her but at least she could have arranged used clothes but rather, she kept cups meant as souvenirs in them.


 My step mom and everybody around were laughing at me. 

There was a serious fight after the wedding that hubby even insulted my family with family secrets and warned that I should never complain about whatever his mom does.

Each time we have a little quarrel, hubby calls mama and instead of her to settle the issue on ground, she will escalate it either travelling down to come and insult me by 'advising' me or calls my mom on how she notices that I don't respect hubby enough by not serving his food in a special plate, his soup isn't served very hot etc.


 She also added that even herself I don't respect her either because, if she does something for me, after thanking that day, I don't come and say thank you to her the next day in the morning. 

The last time she came visiting, that I didn't see her off to the car (I just had a baby thru CS and climbing stairs wasn't easy), if I prepare soup she'll complain it's not tasty. If she visits and I don't sit in the sitting room with her to avoid the problem, it's seen as pride (am out of work cos I had to resign when I had twins to join hubby).

 I see her as a mother and if I do something, I expect her to call me to order but she will let it pile up and then tell hubby. If she does something wrong, I dare not tell hubby cos he had warned me. Please, why does she hate me this much and  how do I satisfy them and have peace.
Thank you.

Comments

  1. Anonymous7/01/2013

    I believe you knew your husband was stil tied to his mothers apron strings before you married him so my dear manage whatever you see oo as that your husband is just an excuse for a man. Also that man and his mother have absolutely no regard or respect for you and your family. Spoilt yams? Used clothed? Sovenir cups in d box meant for clothes? Haba, what kind of family did you marry into? Na wa

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  2. sorry ma am still single , oya over to d married women in d house.

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  3. i think the woman's just jealous and feels left out .try giving her some attention(compliments).

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  4. Hmmmmmmm,m really speechless..u were too subtle from d beginning..The way we lay our bed is hw we gon lie on it...i cant blive u let ur hubbys mom arrange ur trad attire...dont u v a mom?@least u wud v told dem ur mom wants to get dem herslf,n ur parents saw all d rotten yam n cups in d trunk n still gave u out to that family.hmmmm,its so obvious that u are not valued @all..I pray for the best,but my sister u need to start seein them as way of life,cos d day u disrespect ur MIL,hubby will be mad@u..I pray things get better,only God can change ur situation.concentrate more on the twins,more grace hun

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  5. Anonymous7/01/2013

    You are married to this man and his family already. The only thing that can save you is prayer! Haba, what kind of family is that na? No shame at all, odikwa egwu!
    Single ladies in the house, when you want to marry, please look before you leap. Like my dad always says, you are marrying both the man and his family. If you feel you can't live with them, give yourself brain before the story turns to 'story that touch...'

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  6. Firstly, You can never please people 100%. The day you try to is the day you lose touch with who you are and reality.
    Your MIL(mother-in-law)'s over-protective behaviour could be understood but that doesn't justify her intrusion into your marriage.
    Hubby on his own has "left" but has not "cleaved"(Gen 2:24) and is finding it difficult to be "one" with you both in wrongs and right as is expected.
    My two pence is this
    Pray - Prayer should be the first call in every situation. Don't ever face any area of your life putting spirituality aside; Life is essentially spiritual.

    Confidently/Respectfully call your husband and talk with him about your feeling, firstly praising him for being a great husband/father(its a weapon that has well worked for me-Praise lifts a man's ego).
    He has a right to know those things his mom does wrong that she asks you not to tell him. You shouldn't tell him her wrongs but she should tell the world your own?
    Talk to him about it all but in wisdom biko. I understand how attached only kids can be to their moms but its still no rightful excuse to allow my mom into my matrimonial home to become a dictator,mbanu

    As for MIL, you've got to be the woman/manager of your own home. When she complains of the soup, ask her to teach you better. Don't fight her but in wisdom alone can you overcome her spirit. Always invite her to the kitchen to help you out with the cooking so that her son can have the best,if she refuses to teach/help and then complains please put it to her that since she can't teach you she should manage as it is afterall that her son isn't dead yet from the supposed bad food in 4years.
    As for the parlour ish, yes you should be there when you can but not always. Its your home and she ought to understand that. Learn to speak up when you should.

    Try to win hubby's heart for then, you'll operate thru him and win this battle. Remember its not a one day thing, you've got to be patient coz you allowed things go viral from day one.
    God be with you

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  7. Anonymous7/01/2013

    ...M̶̲̥̅γ̲̣̣̥ dear U̶̲̥̅̊ saw †ђξ signs(rotten yams,second hand clothes,choosing clothes fφя̩̥̊ ЧЯ trad etc) from †ђξ onset but U̶̲̥̅̊ chose to ignore them.Its only God that Çα̲̅ŋ help U̶̲̥̅̊ now S̶̲̥̅Ơ̴̴̴̴͡ talk to Him I̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ prayers.All the best.EPHY

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    Replies
    1. Ephy, we have bb's too...grow up and stop dis way of writtin. You r an adult....

      Ps.
      I know Ʊ in person

      Delete
  8. Anonymous7/01/2013

    Am also in ur shoe married to an only son and d worst part is dat my moda in law is staying in d same apartment wit us although is nt easy bt wit prayer i tink God is fighting for me and i also try to over look so many tins to keep my marriage cos if i conplain abt his mother my hubby will turn it into a big fight. So poster pls b calm all will b well, try to b ur self and see ur moda in law as ur mother also pray for spirit to b deaf and dumb towards watever shes doing negatively to u. Shalom hallyshally

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  9. My dear your husband holds the solution to your problem,is he marrying you or his mum? She's acting this way coz ur hubby gave her the opportunity to.
    Can't write much now,am having stomach ache.hmmm

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

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  10. I'm shocked at the engagement items they presented to your family. It showed they didn't have regard for your family.

    What can you do? Ask GOD for wisdom because you need it badly.

    I read on Satursday Punch on the potency of "Bedroom Power". Please ensure you discuss issues with your hubby in the bedroom in a soothing atmosphere.

    Also pray that whatever unnatural bond between mother and son that's preventing him from cleaving to you should be broken.

    This issue could be more spiritual than physical.

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  11. Anonymous7/01/2013

    Pls keep d comments/advice coming in. Am in d same boat wit d poster apart from d spoilt yams & cups in d trunk.(lol)

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  12. Johnson7/01/2013

    1. Mama does not hate you – her son has not shown that he’s man enough to manage his home so mama is still protective of her little baby boy.
    2. You cannot satisfy them but you can have peace. Peace is a choice & comes from God cos He’s the Prince of Peace. God can give you peace in turbulent times – so His peace is not dependent of circumstances surrounding you.
    HELPLINE:
    (a) Look out for good marriage seminars and programs for married people – encourage your hubby to attend with you. There's a lot to learn.
    (b) Don’t give mama excuses to have anything against you… Be respectful and soft spoken. When hubby becomes a man (yes He’s still a boy), things will change for the better.
    (c) Most important – bring God into the equation. He is the only One who can turn things around, especially when you have personal relationship with Him.

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  13. Learn to live with it, it comes with the price of having a hubby...

    Don't you know that out of every 10 married women only 1 has a good/understanding/friendly mother-in-law.

    This one too shall pass, someday, sooner or later! Just swallow it all.



    Nuff'Said & Best of luck!



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  14. Na wa o! I tink u shld jst try ur best 2 win ha over. Dats all u can do cos ur hubby dey 4k up. Contnue taking it 2 God in prayer.

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  15. Anonymous7/01/2013

    mysister pray,pray n pray.i will nt callmine bad bt i noticed some things sinc m marrid to an only son.wat helped me is dt he s too independent to b controlld by hs mom,bt i prayed,prayed n pray ed nt just 4d situation bt 4God to also changeme..God did it dt we left dt town. u hav to learn nt to please ppl ,just be urself above all let ur conscience be rytb4 God.i also blame ur family.Going by wat u hav said,they dnt regard u n as such it gave ur hubby n hsfamily d power to treat u dt way........pray ,pray n pray n say to urslf always,i am going to enjoy ds marriage.God bless u

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  16. Hmmn!!! This is a tough one and my heart goes out to you dear. I guess the first place to start is to engage God in the matter through prayers. You & your husband are one and NO ONE should come in between both of you. The bible says 'what God has joined together let no man put asunder'. Pray to God to make you & your husband truly united.
    Next be yourself! For how long will you be trying to please people? Take a stand and stand firm, its your home and any VISITOR to it must respect you as the 'Queen of the Castle'. I am also a quiet person but I'm firm about how I organise my home and everyone (in-laws et al) respect that.
    LOVE your husband! Care for him - A LOT! Respect him, win his heart, charm him, please him, do whatever it'll take for him to be atuned to you. You & your MIL are competiting for the same man and its winner takes all o. She has a head start against you but you have all it takesto win - God, your body and your feminine charm, YOU CAN WIN!!! Just play your game wisely.
    LOVE mama too!!! Tough call but its all part of your game plan. Caring for his mum would make your husband gel with you more, afterall she has been his first love.
    And finally, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY again, till you get the desired results. You too will testify.

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  17. My dear poster. U need to pray and talk with your husband. Its a matter that weighs most wives down but the simple solution and power lies in the hands of your husband. And this is not happening because your husband is the only Son but because most MILs wants to compete for the husbands/son's affection with the new wife. Some do it intentionally while others do it unknowingly. And it always starts when you start planning the wedding. Well, I was in the same boat but I thank God. It is a continuous battle which I have won the first and major round.

    How did I do it? Grace of God. First the Mum always shows concern for his Son and not to me...while I see her as a mother. I am the type that says my mind. I called her on phone and told her my mind that she is yet to see me as a daughter, after that, I ignored her completely. Of course she said I was rude and all but I don't care. I told hubby at least I have given her a piece of my mind. I started praying and talking with my husband concerning it. I tell him things like, she has her husband and her home and so she should live mine alone, I can't sit down and watch when another woman wants to take over my home, no one took her home from her and so she should stop trying to control mine. You are sleeping with me and not your mother, your mother is trying to compete with me for your affection etc. My dear, one day I was very quiet and tired of the whole thing....nothing was going through my mind but hubby just asked me why I was looking sad, and I told him he is not allowing his mum and family respect me cos he is yet to make them understand that he loves me and none of them should toy with me cos he cherishes me so much. Then, I gave him instances, my husband understood, it was as if scales fell from his eyes and it dawned on him all of a sudden, it was a miracle. Not long after, we travelled to his family house and as usual, the mother started feeling like a star and wanted to start downgrading me....my husband understood and ignored. He was just dotting on me throughout. The woman just could not take it, something happened and an argument ensued btw my hubby and MIL. She just could not believe her eyes. My hubby defending me and straight to her eyes, she started shedding tears and started saying I gave my hubby charms to eat that’s y her son can stand up to her like he did. That he had never done it before. That day, I knew God does answer prayers. Up till today, he gives no room for her to come straight to talk to him or approach him, he will bone his face. Each and every one of his family gets to him through me. Yes including my MIL. When I ask him Y he is doing that he says; to protect me and his young family.
    So my dear, its takes prayers and wisdom. I pray God will guide you.

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  18. Anonymous7/02/2013

    Babe, how can you sing a song and you cannot dance to it.
    My advice is you bear with her, and allow peace reign.
    If you could allow her to choose ur wedding outfit b4 u married her son, then u shld be able to allow her anything...
    After you don form saint, na now u wan turn devil?
    Bear ram ehn... Do. She's ur MIL, and deserve all the respect she needs.

    Patsy

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous7/02/2013

      She shd bear it ke??
      My SiS (poster), hmmmm d only way is to b very prayerful... Na only prayer o.
      True, u gave room but am sure u didnt c it dat d controling will cont....sis u need to 1st Pull ur hubby face to urself(since I can't yarn yoruba here),how?? sis na prayer o, n doing ur wifey roles....
      Pray pray n pray

      Delete
  19. Poster7/02/2013

    I sincerely appreciate all your comments and i pray that may grant you all more wisdom IJN!

    I am not so daft to have allowed her choose my trad attire. She started by saying she wanted to buy the attire for us as her contribution to the wedding. Based on that, i sent a pic of what we wanted to her and she said that design is no more in vogue that there are better designs. She even lied that they had finished the dress and that she would send a sample. I didnt know her plan of giving me her used clothes till we got home abt 3 days to the wedding. Thnks

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    Replies
    1. Poster7/02/2013

      ****God Almighty***

      Delete

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