Should We Get Her A Place?

Hello Eya, how is your family? I stumbled on your blog on Google in January and have seen been a silent follower  because my comments refuse to publish. Please I need some advice.

My daughter just graduated and is still a job seeker. She is the only one at home right now because my husband and I still work, her younger ones too are still in School. It's just the three of us at home right now. I am really worried. She is my first and I want to keep an eye on her that is the reason we agreed she continues to live with us until she gets a job. We know she lived by herself in the University but now she is not in School and should need some monitoring.

We all love her boyfriend, he is
a good young man but I don't like the fact that sometimes I come back from work and see him in my house. Though he drops to see her on his way from work I guess, but I hate to see him alone with my daughter in my house. She is not a child anymore, I know that's why I am sending you this to hear other people's opinion. 

Is it wrong if we get her her own place to stay? She wants that but we refused and it's causing some strain at home. I need advice from you and your blog readers please. Thanks.

Comments

  1. Anonymous6/20/2013

    Please get her a place let her enjoy her life freely. Is she a child? I guess she cannot be younger than twenty. Why imprison her in this 21st century?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Barbie6/20/2013

      Just listen to yourself. Which Naija parent will do that??/

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/20/2013

      What are u talking about, I live in a 2 bedroom house in abuja, with my brand new car that my parents paid for, I don't have a job but I'm starting my own business. My cousin is in the same shoes too, I have lots of friends in the same situation in abuja here, are our parents not nigerians? And we're all under 24. And non of us are pregnant, never had an abortion, not doing drugs etc, we don't even party sef, maybe once in a while. So there's nothing wrong with it

      Delete
  2. Anonymous6/20/2013

    If u are in a differnt loaction frm her she can get her own place but since u r in d same place why shld she?
    Unless u r not in Nigeria.
    If u are think bout Africans pple's mentality.

    Wen I was single pple used to complain to my parents that I was misbehaving cos I got a self contain in ikoyi and used to go hme only at wkends cos I cldnt stand d traffic, even sme of my inlaws where asking why I live alone wen my parents are in lag.
    It really caused problem for be esp since am igbo.

    Aunty eya pls do a post on handling eraly pregnancy if u ve any ideas.
    This is my 3rd baby and am still suffering morning sickness and nausea. Ispit and vomit till wen am in laboUr.
    Am sooo depressed cos pple are alrdy suspecting me and I dnt want that yet

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Desire6/20/2013

      Your 3rd baby or 3rd month? Anyways,buy Kafura pelebe(don't know its english name) ask those women selling herbs in the market and put in water and drink @ intervals. Works like magic for me.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/20/2013

      My 3rd baby. Am presently in d east.
      How do I find it here.
      Pls help me cos I ve a 11 mth old and i don't ve time for her like I used to.
      I love cooking but can't eat wat I cook.
      All I do is drink tea.
      Am in my 2mth and a suppsed to be a pro at this with 2 kids alrdy but its like d mre kids I ve d worse it is.

      Delete
  3. Anonymous6/20/2013

    I think you should give her a little privacy and trust. But pls don't get her a place yet, especially now that she's still seeking for a job. I got a job, and was still under my parent until I got married, but I had my privacy then, and some amount of trust. I was allowed to bring in male visitors, but restricted to the siting room, except there are things I need to show a friend in my room.
    I was allowed to go out and hang out with friends, I was not imprisoned in anyway.
    I enjoyed staying with my parents, and I still miss home a lot now that I'm married with two kids.
    The only reason ur daughter wld want a place of her own is becos u don't give her enouf space or privacy, and probably you don't trust her too. Maybe u ask too much questions, and still treat her like a child.
    Learn to respect her, and also seek her opinion on some issues in the house that requires decision making.
    Let her know you trust her, and always ask her how her day went whenever u're back from work. If u sensed it was boring, then suggest outings for her. Be a friend to ur daughter, and I'm sure she will always want to hang arround you.
    If she still insist on getting her own place, then let her get a job first.

    Patsy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous6/20/2013

    I think you should give her a little privacy and trust. But pls don't get her a place yet, especially now that she's still seeking for a job. I got a job, and was still under my parent until I got married, but I had my privacy then, and some amount of trust. I was allowed to bring in male visitors, but restricted to the siting room, except there are things I need to show a friend in my room.
    I was allowed to go out and hang out with friends, I was not imprisoned in anyway.
    I enjoyed staying with my parents, and I still miss home a lot now that I'm married with two kids.
    The only reason ur daughter wld want a place of her own is becos u don't give her enouf space or privacy, and probably you don't trust her too. Maybe u ask too much questions, and still treat her like a child.
    Learn to respect her, and also seek her opinion on some issues in the house that requires decision making.
    Let her know you trust her, and always ask her how her day went whenever u're back from work. If u sensed it was boring, then suggest outings for her. Be a friend to ur daughter, and I'm sure she will always want to hang arround you.
    If she still insist on getting her own place, then let her get a job first.

    Patsy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Johnson6/20/2013

    What are the reasons she presented for wanting a place of her own?
    Personally I think it’s better for young, unmarried, ladies stay with parents or some relations that have some level of parental responsibility for them. Men are disposed to such ladies when it comes to the issue of marriage and would have high regard for such.
    There are other challenges that come with single ladies living alone – would be nice to get views from others.
    Please weigh the pros/cons and take the best decision for her.

    ReplyDelete
  6. meeeeeeeeeeee6/20/2013

    I don't know what getting her a place of her own is meant to achieve. I think you should rather consider getting her to learn some skills while job hunting so that she can become useful to herself instead of sitting around the house. I also think you should respect her privacy a bit since she is now an adult, it's better that the man is visits her in your house where a measure of decorum will i expect be observed rather than getting her a place.

    ReplyDelete
  7. peace-udo6/20/2013

    The problem as parents is that we always feel our children are still babies that can't differentiate their left from right. As old as I am my mother still feels so.
    I think u should realise now that ur daughter is a grown girl. She needs her space but shouldn't b outside ur roof until she is married. The bf will b so glad to have her to himself at will but the to-be inlaws won't see it like that, this is Nigeria,.it is our culture.
    Let her stay in ur house till she gets married but let her b free as if she is on her own: no unnecessary monitoring.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous6/20/2013

    WHY cant the boy marry he at once ka okwu bie? which kain boy friend be dat?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/20/2013

      GBAM!!! Ask me

      Delete
  9. Johnson6/20/2013

    Maybe I am old-skool – I struggle to understand the rationale behind the phrase ‘let her be free as if she is on her own: no unnecessary monitoring’. Would we rather God let us be free as if we are on our own? …but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame (Prov 29:15b)
    I read somewhere & I concur to a large extent with the statement, “When I was ten, I thought my parents knew everything. When I became twenty, I was convinced they knew nothing. Then, at thirty, I realized I was right when I was ten”.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. meeeeeeeeeeee6/20/2013

      So true Johnson, I was just sharing with some friends how at 14, I thought I knew everything. Children need guidance whether they are adults or teenagers, though parents need to cut them a bit of slack now and then, but to be totally left on their own? Methinks no, and I was once a a young girl.

      Delete
  10. i don't think it will be right to get her a place of her own. If you do, it will give her the freedom to do as she pleases. Her boyfriend might relax that's assuming he was planning to take the relationship to another level. then he can visit @ odd hours or ask her to come out but if she remains @ home, he will long for her more and do the needful ASAP.

    on the other hand, what if after getting her a place and she gets a job outside the town immediately? the money might waste you know. Instead of thinking of getting her a place of her own, make efforts to get her a job or better still use the money intended to get a place to set up sth for her that will keep her busy.

    Make her feel comfortable around the house and not being overly inquisitive or monitoring. all the best!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cuteee6/20/2013

    Wr is Ahdaisy??? Have missed her oooo..
    As 4 poster,like others have said just let her be...Tell her u trust her and know she be wise in her dealings! I left my parents house early cos I started working in a different town and was staying with an uncle but it wasn't easy... After 3years,I had my fun and evn did worse things yet was under some1's roof,and dnt think dey gave me a free hand I had an 8pm curfew. Well am smart and knw how to handle such..but I eventually moved out cos I started feeling I was no longer welcomed though and besides I had a gud job and had enof money to cater 4 myself. Trust me when I say throughout d 6months I stayed on my own b4 getting married I didn't do 1/4 of what I did while in my uncles house...Its good shez even allowed to bring her male friends home,but if shez not working how do u expect her to keep up with staying on her own??? That can push her to do things oo,cos she myt not want to keep coming to u 4 everytin.. I dnt regret moving out of my uncles place oo,cos I still met my fav man in d world,am happily married and expecting soonest... I only narrated dis long epistle cos of those dat say if a single lady stays on her own she does al wat not,all d years I stayed with my uncle I didn't have a serious suitor(I had bf's though).... Ok tym to work,I knw say dis my epistle no jive but am sure u can pick out d salient points!!! No vex,shogbo!!!
    *Am out*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/20/2013

      kikikiki, could this be our very own Sister?

      Delete
  12. Anonymous6/20/2013

    Ok, she is a graduate but unemployed! So who does the paying of bills when you get her a place of her own? I passed through higher institution living with my parents, they never treated me any different from those living off campus. I had my friends over for weekends, and I also had male friends visit me at home, especially when my folks were at home. Right now, I work in a different state, I stay alone and I don't even have a boyfriend. She is only permitted to get a place of her own if she can take care of her responsibilities. Who says she'd be any better while living in your house with you? your main concern should be, who will be paying the bill! Person wey wan spoil, go spoil.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous6/20/2013

    GBAM!!!

    Patsy

    ReplyDelete
  14. Pls she should not move out. Just allow her to be herself but don't make the mistake of letting her stay on her own. Even good girls are more exposed to evil when they stay on their own. She can start spending nights in a man's house, or housing a man. No be today! Even good girls once given so much freedom, can start misbehaving.

    Moreover why would she live in a different house, when you are both in the same town? When she is not working? Who will help you around the house? Even if you have house helps. I personally feel it is more decent for a lady to live with her parents. Any interested parties should come and pluck her away from your compound. She is a flower, not a weed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That a girl is stayin alone does not guarantee dat she will start sleepin out. I stay alone in dis city 8hrs away frm where I grew up and guess what? I hardly go out sef cos the idea is tiring. Nobody 2 ginger me, I dnt even hv a boyfriend. Nw I rem when I was livin wit my parents in my undergrad days, every moment of d day I feel like goin out!
      Its ironic but true.
      Dear poster, u r d one dat gave birth 2 ur daughter, u r d only one dat has studied her and known d kind of person she is eg will she fly if I give her chance? Is she responsible?
      Ppl difer!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/20/2013

      @nelly soo true. When you are under cover u want to be freed wen you are free you will be too lazy to go out cos trust me you are use to the indoor life without knowing. Which is the same thing I am facing. Well you know your daughter better

      Delete
    3. Anonymous6/21/2013

      Nelly which study r u tlking abt?? If parents knw wat their kids r up to dis days they will faint abeg leave that u knw ur daughter tin jor.

      Delete
  15. Anonymous6/20/2013

    While you both are in the same town I think she shud stay wit u but plsss cut her some slack. I personally left my parent's town to look for a job in lag cos my mum's wahala is too much. We are gud friends but she must nt see u sleeping in d afternoon always wants to see u doing one thing or the other cos she is a workaholic but menh I don't v that strenght. In lag, I stay on my own cos my mum realised she has given me the best training n knew I would nt go astray thanks to God. Now I am on my own, I spend my weekends sleeping in my house. Maybe you disturb her too much n she is tired so just free her please.

    Trust your daughter and its good the guy comes to the house cos if u stop him, she will really want to leave d house.

    And for emphasis, it is not bad for a girl to live on her own. As long as you have given her good training, it will alwys live in her no matter where he or she goes.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dear Maami,
    I was told my a married man who tried asking me out, that because i live with my parents he will spare me and while i was curious to know,he said you have got guardians that will deal with him when they find out who he was.

    Secondly, When i was leaving alone,my boyfriend made it an habit to be a regular room mate of only the night and i can't quite tell you that i didn't enjoy it some times' thou in the other way round for you it might be dashed at your face for any wrong that happens thereof. God forbid

    Thirdly, Did you know i made more male friends and also pretentious girl friends. I didn't hesitate to let them know i am a big girl,and most time when i get tired of their company they simply asked, Where are you rushing to,don't worry i'll drop you off or you might as well sleep in my place! ooo No how i hated to start posing discipline before them after staying out that late.

    Finally, Now that i have finally save my self some rent cash,the boys are scared of coming close to the gate cos my dad always loves to sit outside once it's 6:pm knowing fully well he stands a change to be noticed, known and also investigated. On mumsi's part she always calls me once its 8:30:pm when am not home to let me know whatzup,even when am in a serious office meeting or whatever, guiding me through to a successful martial bliss of not being a night crawler and a voluntary giver of my waist to my boyfriend,when ever he sees my mom's call! he simply says that going home, i don't want trouble.

    Hope you'll forgive me for this long typing just had to share few tips of my maami's experience with a very matured gaul like me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/20/2013

      Well in my own case its the other way round of your story. No male friends now I am alone and I stay in my house all day any day I don't go to work cos I stay alone.

      Poster the reasons your daughter will want to stay on her own may be cos you don't just allow her rest wit all the house chores, no outing, you don't allow her have her full morning sleeping, always in the kitchen day n night now she is tired of all that and just wants to be on her own where she can sleep all day. So my advice is give her some space and some rest while she is at home

      If she moves to anor town, she can be on her own and if you had given her the right training at the right time, trust God she will not go wayward.

      I left my house cause of the reasons I listed above and I am so happy to be on my own. The only guy that's visit is my bf who comes 1c in 5mths cos we don't even stay in the same city.

      Delete
    2. You mean no guy is chasing you,and boyfriend shows in up once in 5 month! hmmm you must be a very pretty gaul in Botswana tone.... Babe relocate to Abuja let me give u a good treat and spa...

      Delete
    3. Anonymous6/20/2013

      As for my bf dats bcos of his job and abt guys chasing me, my dear it depends on how you present yourself and what you tell the guys when they come. I don't expect you to believe and I don't intend to convince you either. Each to his own. I stay alone and I don't mess around dat is the point

      Delete
  17. Are you feeling uneasy bcos her bf is always in the house or you find them in an uncompromising position? I kinda understand you cos you are just like my mum. the bf always hanging around is a NO NO for me.once in a while is better(make him get small level naa).

    on the other part of getting her a house, Madam I stay in PH,work in PH,34 yrs and abt to marry.when i was 30 i told my mom i have to move out,she objected to that,i get 2 maintain.my fiancee comes to the house @ most twice a week and he ends in the sitting room.

    try and get her busy with something. not everyone is made for 'white collar job'.she shouldnt idle away @ home.



    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous6/20/2013

    Get her a place my foot! Who will pay the bills? Use that money to engage her positively. Are u now afraid of ur daughter? Let me tell you,i am single and working and i live with my parents.Is not as if i cannot not afford it,but it just put some sort of protection around you. Mind you not all single ladies living alone are wayward!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous6/20/2013

    Hmm, I think you shouldn't buy the idea of her getting a place. I used to stay with a friend before I got a job which was when I also met my husband, he was comfortable having me around always but as soon as I left for my parents' place after my friend left the country,he became uncomfortable and proposed immediately. Today we are happily married. I believe her staying with you would hasten things for the bf to pop the question.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gbam!
      Staying alone removes the covering, esp when parents are in the same town and she's not responsible for herself financially. This will only give the bf license to enjoy the benefits of a married man without paying bride price... then no need to hurry for marriage.

      Delete
  20. Anonymous6/20/2013

    Madam, na too much money they worry una. Shey na she wan pay the rent, abi na you, or maybe the bf? Bona you've not said anything

    ReplyDelete
  21. The question is "Is there a tangible reason why a jobless person wants to stay away from home, in the same city as her parents?"
    If her gas goes out, who fixes it? If her Generator breaks down, who? If her bulbs go bad, who? If her water stops running, who? Who, who and more who?

    She isn't working. That means either you do that or her bf does that. Do you want to put her in a situation where she isn't ready financially to take up responsibilities and runs to the bf for money every frigging time, if she isn't free to run over to you? If it was a case of relocating to another city, it'd be understandable. But this, err, e get as e be.

    Please make her see reasons with you. Try and make her feel comfortable while staying with you. Don't try to 'cage' her too much. Maybe she feels caged. Also, try and give your daughter and her bf some highly needed privacy when he comes over. Don't make her feel like she's inconveniencing you with his presence. Cos that could be part of why she wants to move out.

    But if she still wants to, you know how Nigerians with plenty money like to 'spoil' their kids. Please let her know that owning a place of her own comes with a lot of responsibilities on her as an ADULT. It wouldn't makes sense for her to be sitting home all day, not have money to pay for her dstv subscriptions, internet, not have money for food or fuel and thus, keep running home to 'tiff' food stuffs and fuel. Won't be funny at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/20/2013

      Maybi na the bf dey give am inspiration to move out... Make u dey careful handle dis mata o, so dat u no go lose ya daughter. living alone no bi moi-moi.
      Madam Poster, tell ya girl the story of the prodigal daughter (abi na son)... she wan go dey chop pig food wen the thing don hard?

      Delete
  22. Anonymous6/21/2013

    Since she is givin attitude and doin big gal she shld work and get money to free herself from u na! Or teLl her boyfriend to do quick and marry her out of ur hands! She is an adult!parents stop over indulging ur kids. U r doin dem more harm dan good! Everythin
    shldnt be on a platter of gold pls!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Well for me,I moved out of home in my final year and that was because my mum had moved 2 her new house which was in the outskirts of town and too far from school.

    After school I couldn't move back home cos I had a job in town, my fiance's parents had an issue with it @ first but he explained to them and now they are cool..my mum has no issue with it cos she trained me well and she trusts me cos even till date when I'm going on a date with my fiance I call her to tell,she can tell where I am @ a particular time, that's how close we are..

    Does living alone make me loose and cause me 2 waka waka? Not at all o,where's the time even? After work all I can think of is home, as 4 my fiance living in my house,hmmm that can never happen o cos he has respect for me!

    So madam,if you trained your daughter well and you trust her let her be(me no fit even think of doing some kain things cos I no want disapoint my God o plus my mama)..but please let her have something doing so she can be responsible for herself..
    *Whew* Jay and others wey dey type epistles,una dey try,no be small thing..

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous6/21/2013

    i do not understand some certain issues with this generation. But my siblings and i lived under our parents roof and got married from there. All my friends lived with their parents till they got married. If she had a job in a different city, i would not suggest staying alone except in such circumstance no relatives. To prevent strain in your home, give her privacy, gist with her and explain reasons why it isnt safe to live alone because she can be an easy target for robbers, rapist at home.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous2/16/2014

    Good Morning Ma,

    I just stumbled on this page and I think it is interesting. From my own perspective a young woman should live with her parents until she is ready to get married job/no job except where the job is in another city. Please give her space and encourage her boy friend to come to the house. Be your daughters friend and get to know her boy friend, who might turnout to be your future son in law. I am married with 3 children and currently resides in the UK but because my mum (aunty that I lived with from childhood) was hostile to my husband it is so difficult to invite her over. Please don't make the same mistake. Talk to your daughter be her friend and most especially pray for her and all will be well.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Feel free to email us with comments, suggestions, recipe ideas, or pretty much anything! We love hearing from you an are always excited to receive a comment or email from a blog reader.
Contact Email: cuulme@gmail.com

Most comments are by blog readers. Always seek Professional Help First.
“As an Amazon Associate I earn a commission from qualifying purchases.” When readers purchase items through links on this blog.
- Eya Ayambem

SHARE POST

RELATED

BLOG VIEWS