I'm Really Quite Confused


Hello Aunty Eya, I really hope this gets published because I'm at my wits end here.
Please I would like posters to advise me on how to handle this confusing situation. 


I've recently begun a relationship with a guy significantly older than myself, and so far I
would say the relationship Is going really well as he has met my family and I his, also he has practically popped the question but we've decided to hold off marriage as I would like to jump-start my career before getting married. I'm quite young, although I'm a graduate.

First, when I met his family, they were so nice to me, almost too nice. I don't want to sound ungrateful or naïve, but I thought prospective in-laws should be a bit wary of a young girl who is about to marry their son, who is almost twice her age. Did I mention that he's a divorcee?


Also, my mother is always really nice to him whenever he visits, but these days it's like I can never do anything right in her eyes. And when she finds something wrong I've done, she links it to him. I can't go anywhere or call anyone without her assuming that it's about him. And when she talks, she sounds really angry and says the most vicious things, yet she's always so nice when he comes around. 


I'm really confused here, granted I guess I love him, but there is mum's 'double-faced ness' and the uneasy feeling I get from his family and the fact that he's divorced. This is a cry for advice from a confused girl.

Comments

  1. Johnson6/16/2013

    @Poster, you would need to provide more details; for e.g.
    1. Circumstance under which he divorced – he left or the ex left and why.
    2.How long ago was this and any other useful info around the divorce?
    3. Your mum – do you know why she’s behaving the way she does? Sure she would tell you if you ask?
    4. How long is this your relationship and does it seems like he’s rushing? If he’s almost twice your age – that would be expected.
    The situation with his family could also be as a result of what happened with his 1st wife… I had a cousin whose marriage packed up within the 1st year of marriage and the whole family was, surprisingly, happy for him as the wife was a terror to everyone!
    Marrying someone almost twice your age… this has a lot of, not too pleasant, consequences – are you sure you’re up to this?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous6/16/2013

    your instinct is your best friend and you should always always trust it. if your instinct is giving you all these warning signs, you should listen to it and trust it. You are a very young girl and still have room to date around and see what is out there for you. You have your career to build and you shouldn't be in any rush for marriage. Please, my sister trust your instinct, don't make a mistake you will regret.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Never ever ignore that small voice and uneasy feeling. I personally dnt advocate for too much age difference between spouses. And why a divorcee? Have you considered a fresher in the marriage institution? I assume you are in your early 20s, anyway, whatever the age, pls shine ya eyes wella. Be sure beyond reasonable doubt that he is the right person. Cos in the end, you are the one that will be his wife, not ur mum.

    It is either, “Too good to be true" or “Too God to be a lie".

    Ask God which.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous6/16/2013

    Please don't marry him. All these grown men that will marry the next available young woman just cos they need a woman in their lives.
    Trust me I'm in the same situation, I married a man who was older than me cos he wanted to settle down(he's not married before) and I thought he was a good man.
    There is no chemistry between us and we have nothing in common. And I didn't take time to know him well cos he really wanted to marry soon and my parents approved even though my Dad objected in the beginning.
    Right now I regret so much cos I don't have happiness in my heart, and what hurts is that I had my whole life ahead of me, I'm just 23 now u have to assume wifely duties and I don't even love the man.
    My husband and I belong to different generations(he's 40) and I don't find him fun to be around with.
    We have absolutely different tastes and the things I find funny he finds offensive. I used to be very happy, bubbly and witty but I can't Nymore cos he takes everything so seriously .
    There's so much more but all I would tell you is that you are too young to settle down with a divorcee and also trust me, he would marry the next available girl. It's not him loving you, he justs wants a wife who will cook, clean, and have sex with.
    I know he falls in2 this category cos I'm sure he's so nice to you blah blah blah and his in laws just want to find a wife for him that's why there are so nice. They don't care about who he brings. Also I'm sure he's pushing you to get married but please drop him and concentrate on achieving things cos once you get married some things will surely change. Also find someone you can connect with on all levels and don't just get married for marrying sake get married cos you love the person and you can't imagine living life without him and you want to build and share the rest of your life with that person . Do you feel this way about this older man? My guess is no!!
    Please do yourself a favor, concentrate on adding value to yourself and the right person will come along

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This! Is the comment of the day. But in addition, talk to God about your situation, watch the guy in question closely for a certain period known to only you and follow your instincts. Everything works for a reason. As for your mum, talk to her about why she acts that way. She will open up. In all, thread carefully....

      Delete
    2. gloexcel6/17/2013

      I agree wt u @Jay. Poster i feel u need 2 pray n also fink bcos God has given us d power of choice in d area of pickin a life partner. All u need is God's wisdom 2 mak d right decision bcos marriage can mak u n it can also destroy u.

      Delete
  5. She needs to love you for you to move on or move in...

    Try the seductive role... Play some seduction on her so she can like you... Be suave, be friendly, be unassuming, be jovial, be open, be realistic and be lovable.

    If this doesn't work!

    Talk to him and move on!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/16/2013

      *say what*????????this kind advice get K-leg
      Did you read the story line abi you dey assume the story?

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/16/2013

      U must hav just woken frm sleep

      Delete
    3. Anonymous6/16/2013

      Buhahahahaha

      Delete
    4. Anonymous6/16/2013

      Oga ace abeg werra he'll

      Delete
  6. Anonymous6/17/2013

    From what I gather, she left and she was quite a terror, and it was about 5 or 6 years ago. My mum thinks I'm spending a lot of time with him and that I can't get married until I complete my service year, get a masters degree and get a job ( in that order), I'm 20 so guess I still have a lot of time. I won't say he's rushing me, but he has expressed a wish to have kids really soon. I'm not in a hurry and I'm naturally a really non-challant person especially when it comes to relationships, he even complains that I cringe when he brings up the M- word. Just the thought of all that pressure is scary. Iv always dated much older people, but if this isn't meant to be, I will definitely be sticking with someone closer to my age bracket. I always thought older people could provide u with security but now I know better. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/17/2013

      Dear poster, I was once like u. I liked dating older men because I believed they were more mature and would have better experience in relationships. I almost married one, a divorcee just like yours, twice d age as well , but I'm glad I didn't . For one, I found a young intelligent man, who is mature & experienced. Lets just say he has an old head oh young shoulders. He is my husband today, we've been married 11yrs. However, d older man married another young lady who bore him d children he so needed. But, not long after, he died of a heart attack.
      I'm not trying to scare you. 20years is still too young for marriage. I agree with ur mother. Build ur career first, while u r at it, u will find a young man who will appreciate u. Good luck

      Delete
    2. Dear Poster, 20 does sound a bit young but you alone knows how ready you are for marriage and how mature you are. But there are a lot of pitfalls in marrying a man older than you (especially if the age difference is more than 10), you will basically be sacrificing the next 20 years of your youth in order to catch up with him and be on the same page...I guess that's what your mum is concerned about. Also, marrying a divorcee comes with its own challenges as well...but hey, every decision we make in life will definitely have its own share of challenges.

      So here's my advice to you. Take a couple of years to find your footing, if he's serious about you he'll stick around and that also gives you time to be sure you're ready for this.
      Marriage is a life long decision so don't rush into it when you're already having doubts.

      All the best

      Delete
  7. Anonymous6/17/2013

    Thanks for the advice dears, thank God I shared, now I know whatever I'm passing through has been seen before. Mister will have to wait, but I won't rush into anything, guess being around people older than me made me forget I'm barely legal. @preye, when u put it like that 'sacrifice 20 years of my life' that has me running scared.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous6/17/2013

    i think we have treated this issue here on dis blog....when next you want to take us back, try to be more detail ok.but if u can't tel us the whole story then try to tell it to God he is always all ears

    ReplyDelete

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