Any Limits To Transparency? I Need Advice

Dear Aunty Eya and other good people,please I just got married a month ago and have been thinking seriously about this transparency thing.You posted something a while ago about 100% percent transparency in marriage and encouraged us to be transparent.Is it advisable to let my husband know stuff about my siblings and family in general? 

I don't know how to put it to  make sense,like my twin sister had three abortions while in School and confided
in me,should I tell hubby this kinds of stuff too since I know about them? Another family secret is my Dad's underground bank. Is there nothing wrong with letting hubby in on this well guarded secret?

I am so confused as to what  and what not to let out. There's absolutely nothing about myself that he doesn't know. I don't want to keep secrets from my husband. I want a clear conscience and a free mind,would love you to please let me know what "not to say" while trying to be transparent. I need advice. 

Comments

  1. If you were working and you have the password to your office's safe, will you tell your husband?, if you knew the amount in the safe, will you tell your husband?.

    Your Sister's abortion and your Dad's underground bank are their confidential business, personally i don't see any reason why that should be a factor of the 100% transparency issue. You can be transparent with your own issues.

    Those information you put up are private to those individuals and i don't think they should be divulged.

    I've had a terrible experience with saying a lil too much about family issues to the husband (all in the name of, so that we can learn from their past mistakes) in turn, he also spilled some of his family beans to me too. But at the end of the day, mine was thrown right back at my face. I refuse to fight such dirty battles, so i didn't use his family beans.

    I hope you do the right thing.
    God bless

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Hiding passwords from your husband??? Just incase of anything, who should be the one to bail you out? Women are just....

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Did u read her comment. She said "office" safe.
      Wat is her husbands biz with office safe.
      Chauvinist like u.

      Delete
    3. Why not read the poster's story and make your comment or give your advise, rather than dissing on other people's comment that you have shown, you can't read and understand. @Anon 8:55am.

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    4. Anonymous6/19/2013

      In my own opinion,I would advise that you don't tell him everything about your family secrets soo soon in the marriage,give it some time. Events will occure and might demand u to tell him some stuff little by little.I would also advise u keep some issues confidential. Imagine me telling my hubby about how my dad took me to his grilfriend's house when I was much younger to understand anything??some stories are better kept safe within ur heart.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous6/20/2013

      @N,totally on point!

      Lolzzzzzzzzzzz.

      This poster question brought out all the lies behind the 100% transparency talk. Many people do give advise blindly, all in a bid to see them as good wives or very holy.

      Read all the comments, surprised not to see all the pro-transparency group here.Come out and speak! All the comments here except Dave, just proofed to me again, all women are the same! None better, none worst!

      @poster, what concerns your husband with your family secrets?|

      BTW, i suspect someone is up to no good, by playing this prank, asking wc bloggers this question. lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

      Delete
  2. *So i didn't use his family beans against him*

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  3. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Jesus christ woman! D whole transparency thing is only about your self biko. You sound very naïve. How can you want to lick such secrets? That is none of his business. And I'm sure if your sis or dad find out, they will HATE you. Tell your hubby all about yourself if you so wish and leave other ppl out of it, na God I take use beg you. Wat if God forbid, u separate from your hubby and he uses these secrets against your family?, then what? Madam, I'm glad you came here to ask before running your mouth. DO NOT tell your hubby any secrets abt your fam, that's y they are secrets. You are going out of bounds.

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    Replies
    1. Do you go into marriage thinking about separation? That means you do not really give in everything. If you thinking about separation while still married, the you are difinately holding back. You don't go into that union planning for a separation please. Why shoiuld you be thinking about what might be used in the case of a separation? #SMH

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    2. Queen Bee6/19/2013

      Truely the secrets of her dad and sister are none of her hubby's bizness!
      How many of his own family secrets has he let her into?
      U don't tell a person things about ur family that he will use against u or to use and insult u tomorrow when u have a fight#dats even issue of divorce aside!

      Delete
    3. Lammy, reading is fundamental. The anon obviously used that separation bit as an example. But you just picked only that and ran with it. Everything he/she said is correct. There could be other instances apart from separation. Stop acting like that's all u read from that comment. Na wa. Poster, your sis and dad's secrets are not u or your husband's business and you are so very naïve at 23.

      Delete
    4. ****Mufasa Said6/19/2013

      @ anon 8:22 pls serve d secret with Eya's afang soup and give the poster to "lick"!

      Poster think of it thus way, that ur husband may in turn tell a buddy of his hu will tell anoda buddy hu mayb interested in ur sister but bcoz of wat uv said he'l drop the idea now that's nothing compared to someone who may try to break into ur house 2 gain access 2 ur father's bank! How will u feel knowing fully well that it was ur sabi sabi mouth that put ur family in jeopardy? Congratulations on ur weddin tho, u sure got married early and u av a lot 2 learn .

      ****Mufasa Said

      Delete
  4. I believe the 100% transparency is about YOU. Not your siblings, parents, family, etc. Your husband is married to you and not them. Besides, those are their personal issues which were divulged to you cause they felt they could trust you not to tell anyone.
    Put yourself in your sister's shoes. If you had done the abortions and she tells her husband, how would you feel?
    Its unnecessary in my opinion

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  5. Anonymous6/19/2013

    a beg now na morning make i just waka pass i no wan vex! nonsense and ingredient!!

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  6. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Some post here are just arghhgghhhh...for crying out loud, how old are u poster? Mschewwwwww

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Awww bless u ! dnt tell him everything!!! Never portray ur family in any negative light o. As u grow in marriage u wil make mistakes and learn and ultimately know wat works for u.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Dis poster is just so naive. ....
      MUMU! Dere are some things u use common sense to decipher.ah ah!

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    3. Anonymous6/19/2013

      ......and meanwhile dis one ur rushing to tell him ur family history in the name of transparency, does he tell u his?? ? Abeg dere are better things to be worried about in marriage not this.

      Delete
  7. Take it from me,If you hold back that information, then you are keeping secrets. If you can't tell your spouse everything on your mind, then you are not an honest wife. Period.
    I think people should learn to trust their husbands with their life. If that trust is lacking then you made a mistake pls. Do you really see youeself as one with him?

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/19/2013

      SHARAAAP!! wtf are you saying? u must be high on buruntashi

      Delete
    2. Shut down! You must be high on coke. Today I'm ready for your snake venom. Bring it on.

      Delete
    3. Bt dave on a serious note, hw does her tellin him d secrets of odas mak ha secretive? She doesn't hv any ryt 2 divulge d dirty linens of odas much less dt of ha family. If she ws a lawyer or a doctor, wld she divulge d secrets of ha clients? Its none of ha hubbys biz hw many abortions ha twin has commited n all wht not. BTW poster, wen u open ur mouth n tel ur hubby dt ur twin has committed a thousand and one abortions, his respect 4 ha wld dwindle n bliv me, so wld his respect 4 u. N dt has 2 consequences. He wld wonder hw many abortions u hv committed(evn if u hvnt) and he wld nt trust u wit his own secrets in d future bcos if u can divulge her secrets 2 him, u can divulge his secrets 2 her.... U catch ma drift Y̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥å? So pls let sleepin dogs lie. D transparency issue is concernin ur own dealings n nt dt of odas.

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    4. You saying Lawyers keep secrets from their husbands?

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    5. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Dave pls park well.
      Can't believe ur mentality.
      SMH

      Delete
    6. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Dave stop talking rubbish. Be a man. So telling d hubby a bad secret will add more happiness 2 their marriage or money in their bank acct? Dave get lost pls.

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    7. Yes Dave, lawyers dnt tell anyone d secrets der clients divulge 2 dem. Xcpt dey wanna b disbarred. Same goes 2 doctors

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    8. Anonymous6/19/2013

      True. I dnt evn tell my self d truth sef! I knw d truth but can't tell mysef. I do wat works in d circumstances to get desired result. Period!

      Delete
    9. Anonymous6/19/2013

      Ivy, lawyers can discuss hypothetical scenarios with their husbands, they just shouldn't divulge clients identity..@ poster, wateva makes your relationship strong, go for it. U know your hubby more than anybody here. I think your sisters bizness is her bizwax and shdnt be put out there.

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    10. Hypothetical scenerios n clients secrets r dey d same tin? Smh@u O! Anon 3:55. I cnt divulge me clients secrets its unethical shikena

      Delete
    11. Anonymous6/20/2013

      Please look up hypothetical ..u can discuss a case with ur partner and pick their brains but u don't divulge ur clients identity that I know for sure..and being too quick to be insulting to an invisible person is defo not ethical..ur personal idiosyncrasies shouldn't be applicable to everyone..u may not be as smart as u think.

      Delete
    12. Anonymous6/20/2013

      DAVE i can use a cain to flog ur bom bom. U mean she shld tell her husband that her sis committed 3 abortions and tell about her fathers underground bank acct? Go sit down joor!!!!!!
      Tracy

      Delete
  8. Anonymous6/19/2013

    marriage is not a ticket to heaven oh. it is not all there is to life! dont sell the integrity of your family for a plate of scent leave stew!!!

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  9. Anonymous6/19/2013

    IS YOUR HUSBAND GOD?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hmmmm me I'll love to have this type of wifeoo,but trust me not to tell you half of what you told me,but trust me again to tell you all you supposed to know.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/19/2013

      See Better Man unlike some...

      Delete
  11. chiomz6/19/2013

    Wat will ur husby do with d info abeg...ur sister has 3 abortions n ur dad has a secret bank...and so!!! Instead of u to be feeding ur husby with positive news abt ur family, don't u no dat some men don't no how to handle stuffs.
    Its ok for u to tell him stuffs abt ursef...buh pls leave oda persons out of it. Dats der own secret.
    I don't v d energy to keep personal secrets like vn a hidden bank acct cos marriage is a long long time for dat kinda stress dats y am really praying for a man dats worth it.
    Just pray to God for wisdom ok...cos ur gonna be needing a whole lot.

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  12. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Any secreat that is not urs to tell pls don't spill it.
    Telling you hubby about ur sisters abortionns may make him judge her harshly.
    He may even believe u have also done some. That ur sister made mistakes doesn't make her a bad person.
    And it is HER secret, it she didn't tell u wld u know bout it?
    She may never forgive u for sharing smething personal to her. Same goes for ur dad its he's own secret, think bbout he's safety too.
    Also ask urself wat wld this do for my marriage?
    Trust me it wld add nothing.
    If u want to be transparent be transparent with your own secrets and not the one of others. You don't want cls family and friends to be wary of u besides its just wrng to me.

    Wld u like it if its done to you? Its a principle thing.

    KAren

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  13. How would you feel if you were in your sister's shoes and what you told her in secrete was told to another person answer this and let this be as a guide to you.

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  14. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Haaaaaaaaa!na sister comment I for like to read
    As for me and my family no comment to each its own

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  15. Anonymous6/19/2013

    my sister, pls tell hime every and anything u wish but only abt urself. dont spill ur family beans before him in the name of love, ur marriage is still young. tomorrow he might use ur words ab ur family to fight u. pls dont let him see ur family in another light other than the high regard he holds them in. i beg u cos of the future. have been a victim but i fought back to let him knw where i draw the line wt my family. so most times when i tell my hubby things abt my family then its a general thing that others knw abt as well.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/19/2013

      You have no right to divulge any secret that is not yours pls. Your marriage is about the 2 of you. So tell him everything about you. If you must divulge other pples secret then get their permission first. Bet they won't give it so be wise and mind your own business

      Delete
  16. Love struck6/19/2013

    Dont let love shack u 2 d extent dat u'll hv diarrhea of d mouth. If u r d one dat had 3 abortions, will u tell ur husband? I've been there. I told him things abt me & my family which he later used against me when we had a fight. My biggest secret dat i was supposed 2 take 2 my grave is now a topic of debate in my husband's family. He later apologised 2 me but can i take wat i said back? No. Be wise.

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  17. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Lyk seriously,telin ur hubby abt ur sista's or dad's secrets or any oda family memba of urs does nt mk any sence @ all...buh anytin dats gat 2 do wit u,no probs abt dat.

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  18. Dear poster seriously am so disappointed in ur mentality.transperency in marriage should be abt only ur own not oders. U might feel teln him ds ur sis secret wil eran u more love bt sory cuz it wil reduce d regard he has for u and ur family. If ur sis finds out how wil u feel. Tell him only ur own secrets and leave ur family out of this, meanwhly wat has ur Dad's secret acct got to do wit him ee? Smh!

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  19. MrsAjaryee6/19/2013

    Information about odrs are not your pls, don't let them out. As u rightly said, ur sis confided in u, she did this believing u are her confidant, so y do u want to let third party hear about it? wt effect will that have on your marriage if you tell him. Are u d one who had d abortions? Face ur family and leave odr peeps secret as secret pls

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  20. Dave, I'm sorry but I'm flabbergasted at your reasoning.

    You're just playing the Devil advocate in this post; that's the way I see it. Mr Dave, can you also divulge your family secrets to your wife? If Yes, whatever rocks your boat. Some men and their archaic reasoning!

    Even me sef, I don't tell my parents and siblings everything; the ones I want them to know, I say and the rest I kept within me.

    Call me whatever name, no wahala! I have a right to my privacy or don't I?

    I don't even expect my DH to tell me everything; the ones he feels I should know, he should divulge. I won't be too particular about his family affair. My business is about our affairs alone!

    Dear Poster, I would encourage you to seek and pray for wisdom in all you do. You're still young in life and marriage. Keep your family private affairs to yourself. Does your DH tell you his too?

    I believe "MOST" men don't tell their wives everything; they only say what they want them to know.

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  21. Lol you shocked me I swear. Why would you tell him what is meant to be your family secret ? Is it about you ? What are you trying to gain after you tell him this ? Pls close your mouth and discuss about more things about YOURSELF with your man!!! Cheers

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  22. Dear poster! When it comes to 100%transparency it has to do with yourself. Not what others said to you, what ur sister told u, was in confidence and shld not be told to any other person. That was one reason y I didn't get along well with some of my married frnds den, bcos what ever you jist them, they will carry all that jist to dia husband. Even when its just jist about ur relationship, they wld carry it and spill out to dia husbands. @dave yes lawyers do keep secret of their clients. I am a lawyer and I don't bring my files home or talk about any matter or client. Bcos they are privilege information.

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  23. Anonymous6/19/2013

    Dave did u just write that down?people shuld trust der husbands wit their life ehen!!!its only God that can be trusted wit once life my dear.

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  24. There's a big difference between GOSSIP and TRANSPARENCY...

    This ur sister' and dad's info is gossip, transparency involves you and all you do and have done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. nwa pastor6/20/2013

      @ace,u ve said it all
      @dave,pls look for work
      Bye

      Delete
  25. sylviaaa6/19/2013

    Dave u r selfish,I pity ur wife.u look ike someone dat can spill one's secret inorder 2 get at dat person.u also seem mean nd heartless.how will u feel if ur sis tells her hubby evry thing(includin secrets)abt u nd ur family secrets

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  26. sylviaaa6/19/2013

    Dave u also sound like a gossip who don't mind his biz.is ur kind dat will marry underage just 2 take advantage of her innocence(transparent mind)nd thereby runnin her down or torturin her psychological,emotional nd even physical.Dear poster,may God bless u 4 ur zeal 2 b transparent in ur marriage,bt marriage is abt 2 individuals nd secrets should revolve around u 2 alone nd nt others.once u bridge this,u r hurtin d other person(s) involve nd thereby loosin d trust they had 4 u.ure twin sis is part of u nd anythin dat hurts her invariably affects u 2 likewise ur dad.ur familyks pride nd dignity is meant 2b sustained

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  27. Anonymous6/19/2013

    @d poster though I'm not married yet but I told my so called bf evritn dammmm tin about me 4him 2 love me more n guess what he used dem against me n d relationship was less dan a year.n we hav gone our seperate ways.so I told my self dat wen I finally get married will just hav 2keep sometins 2myself.sometimes we do some stupid tins all in d name of luv n u end up hurting urself.but how can u tell ur hubby dat ur sis had an abortion.do u think he will tell u about his own sis.anyways just follow ur heart but plssss keep ur family secret 2u I beg u.

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  28. Anonymous6/19/2013

    U wnt 2 wash ur family outside abi wait for revenge of tongue frm ur husband. U better keep that ur dirty mouth shut.

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  29. Anonymous6/20/2013

    This is what i tried to explain when i said wives should not be 100% transparent.I got many negative comments. Some mocked my 20years of marriage.
    Little child, you want to sacrifice the heads of your family on the altar all in the name of love?
    If you want to be transparent, you can tell your husband about yourself, like how many men you had slept with before marrying him and how many abortions you had when in school.
    But PLEASE LEAVE YOUR INNOCENT SIBLINGS AND PARENTS OUT OF THE FIRING RANGE!

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  30. Transparency should have limits and boundaries. You don't need to tell Oga you took contraceptives while in School.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/21/2013

      i c y u did not comment on d transparency issue when it all started.

      Delete
    2. I support 100% transparency but, wisdom is the principal thing in everything we do and, somethings are not just necessary.

      Delete
  31. Eyaaaaaaaaaaaa oooooooooooooo you no go kill me with laugh... I have a secret gossip i wanna share and it is, I just farted why laughing. Should i tell my boyfriend when he comes visiting tomorrow?.... Advice plz




    feeling nasty today ahahah

    ReplyDelete
  32. Anonymous6/20/2013

    This poster sef? i dey vex 4 u. Wetin concern ur husband with ur sis abortion or ur dad secret bank acct? This marriage na sense dem dey use. U hear? U can tell him about urself if u had 20 abortions. SMH....

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  33. Chukwunonso6/20/2013

    Two shall become one flesh...Are you married or Marooned?You are married I believe and you must share your nakedness and everything,therefore no secrets.Secrets are time Bombs.The earlier you tell him the better.A man that cannot deal with your past is not your Man.If he is your man and you are his woman,both of you can take anything and if there is anything wrong somewhere,Fix it.Avoiing it means both of you are not fit for marriage.That is what marriage is all about fixing things and supporting one another.NO SECRETS.BE TRANSPARENT OR IT WILL HAUNT YOU BACK

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  34. Chukwunonso6/20/2013

    Eya I disagree with you.Transparency give the man a complete picture of who you are and whom you will never be again because of him.Maybe I am a different specie of man,but truth is I hate secrets.It hurts and drives me mad more than infidelity.he that hides his sins will not prosper.If you dont come out clean how can you correct your kids and tell them what and what not to avoid.Mistake not to make.Transparancy gives the woman a complete picture of who the man is .Except marriage is for pretention,you can hide and be whom you are not and you will raise pretentious kids who will hide everything from you,no matter what

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  35. Chukwunonso6/20/2013

    There is another Point to raise.Are these couples sound Christan?Upon what Value is their home built?Whether you like it or not,every home is either an incubator of light or an incubator of Darkness. Upon that premises you can now decide what goes on in that marriage and home.I don't expect everyone to have he same view of Home and Family.Secrets are bad,very bad.It brings in the unexpected.When an arrow is coming into a home or when something happens,both of you as one flesh need to act with one mind and have as much as possible information to act upon in case of absence or demise of one party.

    What if the Secret was a debt...a very huge debt and something happens and you both find your self in square one again? Think

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6/21/2013

      chukwunonso,.
      r men gods that a woman should worship & confess their sins to?
      r d sins hers or that of her sister & father?
      on judgement day would not everybody stand on their own & gave account of their own lives? or is it about other people?
      is d matrimonial home hers or her sister's or father's?

      Delete
  36. Anonymous6/20/2013

    This poster is a troll joor or a very naïve silly dummy.

    ReplyDelete

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