Was He Trying To Harm Me?

Hello Eya,
Thank you for this opportunity you have created for us. Considering that we do not have professional counselors in our country Nigeria where one can just walk in and get help. This blog is a family of counsellors and I need their help. Please hide my name and email.
I will try my best not to bore you with the details.

Last week, I had a heated
 argument with my husband of 15 years. I couldn't hold it in anymore and had to tell him how in 15 years of our marriage he has travelled out of this country for over 30 times all alone. I told him how everytime the kids and I ask to go with him, he gives an excuse that it is an official trip. I told him how I feel like families can accompany during official trips and when their Dad is going to his workshops or conferences, the other members of the family can go out on sightseeing, to amusement parks or just go have fun and return home together when the workshop is over. 

Although he said it's not possible that we cannot mix work with pleasure, I refuse to believe him. Why should I, in fifteen years? For the first five years of our marriage things were difficult before he got that great appointment. From the year he got that appointment till date, there is no year he has not made two, three or even more official foreign trips. In all these years, all I have ever known is the four walls of Nigeria. I don't even know how the inside of an Aircraft looks like.

While he is getting all that exposure and I am stuck in Nigeria, won't it affect the way I socialize incase I have to try to travel out tomorrow? Will I know how to wear a plane seat belt and know how to carry myself? And when I can't do things without being tutored while he is already a master, won't he feel embarrassed by my bushness?

I felt so bad and reminded him how one day, our son looked at all the pictures he takes in those trips and asked him" Daddy how come we are not in the pictures you take outside Nigeria? Why is it only you or you and your colleagues and friends. I reminded him how he tried to justify himself by telling the poor boy that the trips are all official, while my little boy went on to ask... "Daddy, are you selfish?"  I told him how that question threw him off balanced and yet years have passed after that question, the little boy is now in Secondary School and yet he has a father who travels out yearly while he has never seen the inside of an airplane.  If I could afford it, I would have loved to give these kids a little exposure but right now I can't.

I told him also how his annual leave never comes during holidays when everybody can have a vacation with him. He takes his leave during the term and uses that period to relax all alone or find excuses to go visit friends and family outside the country and when the children ask if they can come, he will say school is still in session. I tried to make him know that my not nagging doesn't mean I'm a fool. I told him how he continuously shops for oversized or undersized items for me and the children because he will never agree that he has enough money to take us along. He will rather travel and do the shopping for us not minding whether we like the items he gets for us or not.

I think something just made me snap and I couldn't stop talking until I have said it all.  I already knew what his reaction would be and I set my mind ready. I knew he won't talk to me for "insulting" him and I was ready.  

After that outburst, I decided to spend a few days in my room and clear my head because it's strange to me that a family suffers so much together, after some years of suffering, the man hits a very big appointment and all he thinks about is himself, himself, and himself. Before anyone complains, he shuts you up with stories of paying school fees. I know a lot of his colleagues whose families are even abroad while the men are here working and sending them monies, even sending sometimes through my husband. It baffles me that he feels we do not know anything and should be content with feeding and payment of school fees.

I actually talked like I've never done before and even though no one saw me but I broke down completely at the office and could not contain myself. Why is my case like this? What Hardluck? How can a fish be thirsty in the ocean, seeing water without being able to enjoy it? Seeing money yet when I tell friends I have never flown in an aircraft they don't believe. When we travel within Nigeria, he always tries to save cost, so we go by road. I am a nurse and can't really afford the lifestyle we should be enjoying at least.

I am very sorry about this long mail aunty Eya, it feels like I am talking with a counselor that's why I just pour out my soul.

To cut it all short, On Wednesday night, while sleeping in my room, I opened my eyes and saw him standing with a chair throw pillow in his hands. I didn't know he had come back from work cos I went to bed early ( His dinner is always kept on the dining incase he comes late). My eyes opened, I saw him and remember greeting him, he responded shortly and walked out.

That didn't bother me at all, but since yesterday, I started remembering the bad things we see in movies and started thinking funny things. Please Aunty Eya and fellow bloggers, kindly share your sincere thoughts with me. What do you think about that scene I saw? Do you think he was trying to harm me? I am really really confused right now feeling funny thoughts like "OK, he knows he has treated me badly and since he feels I know is he trying to hurt me and go start afresh and correct his bad mistakes with someone else?

So sorry to bother you guys please pardon my long thoughts and help me with advice.


  1. brandy5/03/2013

    Hmmmmmm mydear is so unfortunate bt d fact is ur husband is self-centered jus as ur kid says. Jus put evritin in2 prayers if possible 7days fasting n change ur attitude in terms of sticking to ur words dat u wnt u n ur kids 2 hv a nyc tym out. Den in aspect of pillor woteva, don't c any possibility in dat. Y ll he wnt 2 harm u? Bt beta stil jus keep ur eyes up ,don't sleep face up.face ur pillor or bed dat called self protection. Lastly try to do away wit fears n pray constantly. Wish u Luck dear

  2. Two wrongs cannever make a right,especially when it comes to relationship. av never seen any instant where shouting,nagging and oveeheating of polity brought about a much needed settlement to any marriage issue.
    No man wants a nagging wife,there are other means of settling such issues other than shouting and raining insults. When u quarel or fight in a relationship or with ur husband,the possiblity of such reoccuring is very high.
    There's onething with men,sometimes they prefer to do thing at thier own pace and time and u trying to force it removes the love/romance. he may oneday decide to take u on this trip and he'll make it so boring for u that u'll even regret asking him for such favour.
    There are other things more important for you to worry about,will u in the quest of been flown abroad loose the love of ur husband and maybe the peace that hitherto was in ur family.
    Now you're scared that he must av tried to hurt u,what would av prompted such,goes to show the extent of the arguement u had with him. my dear I advice u first apologise to him,for the insults promising him that it won't happen again,atleast that will help calm the atmosphere since u now fearing for ur life.
    show him much love now,atleast to know his disposition towards u,before involving a third party since ur case is now embodying a security element. I'll suggest u suspend the trip ish for the mean time.
    Try to feel him to the brim with the love of himself,that the spill over becomes your's.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

    1. And she's bn keeping it in all these years. The one time she spills becomes a huge problem. She's hurting too! *sigh*. Lady, I'd advise u pray about it. Prayer works. Only God can turn the heart of a man. God's grace.

    2. The problem is that sometimes we get too emotional with issues,and endup worsening the situation. It seems easy for the person not in the dilema to profer solution without actually knowing the situation on ground.
      Forget about what ought to be and look at what is obtainable,and what is obtainable is there is no perfect union. She never mentioned the man is unfaithful or not livingup to his responsibility,but the issue here is that she wants a vacation abroad. And now it has led to her fearing for her life.
      U won't for the fact u looking for a rat and burn the whole house. My two cents.

      ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

    3. Anonymous5/04/2013

      Is it all about unfaithfulness?so because a Man is faithful,he should abandon all other needs. Like its becoming a big deal for a man to be faithful. Bonario,I'm beyond shocked at your reply. Did you even read the story very well? She has been keep quiet all this years and finally opened up so that means the Man should kill her for that or she should be afraid for her life. If he never did it for 15yrs,when do you think that he will do it?. The point is she should have spoken up all these years. Assuming this Man wants to kill her,that means he knows he has been doing wrong all this while. Bonario,I'm dissapointed in your comment. I think you should sleep over this article,come back and give a better advice.

    4. My dear plz don't be disappointed,I was only being passionate about her restoring the somewhat lost love in her union. She never mentioned anyother fault of the man asides not taking his family on a trip abroad. And now the arguement has resulted into her fearing her own husband might want to kill her. Will it be better if in her effort to travel abroad she looses the love and peace which hitherto existed in her family?
      Plz if there's anyother way of restoring love,happiness and security in the family asides showing much love,plz tell me.

      ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

    5. Onye nkem Bona, Bet Y?

    6. Bonario, your comment aint it today. Please sleep and wake up again, thanks!

    7. Anonymous5/05/2013

      Madam,with all due respect your husband is a big foooooooooool!!what kind of stingy man is dat?he will still die and leave all d money.mtcheww.I can't imagine,my hussy,makes sure we all travel once a year,in fact we plan the whole thing together,does dt man even think u need a break 4rm work?uv nevr flown b4?whaaaaat???

  3. ****Mufasa Said5/03/2013

    I'm sorry to say but the first thing that came to my mind is this man has anoda family somewhere. I might be wrong tho. All in all, try to get moni from this Man thru wat eva means and start saving towards takin ur kids on the trip uv always wanted. You only live Once my dear. Pray too, prayer works. All d best

    ****Mufasa Said

  4. I'm speechless!!! The things pple go thru :-( :-(

    I need time to digest this mehn!


  5. Dear poster! I sincerely understand how u feel, its not easy to be with a man that is so selfish. Its good you have aired your mind to him, I bliv that is the first step in amicably ending this issue. Now that you have spoken to him which you indicated you have never done in the 15 years of marriage, its a good thing at least he will know you were not ignorant of those facts, u just decided not to bring it up. Now show him love and continue to behave as if you were not the woman that spoke to him earlier. He will be so confused I tell you, continue to be nice, caring etc eventually he will bring it up or take the neccessary action. But on a lighter note, pls save some money and take yourself and the kids to a resort in the country eg obudo ranch or even Ghana, at least let the kids enjoy a little, this is the time you have to spend with them. Before you know it they will be all grown up ooo, you can book online weeks before the journey so it will be cheaper, also inform your husband if he wants to come before you start the preparation, am sure all d noise about the preparation for the trip frm d kids and you, will make him join and probably foot the bills. Also if the trip is possible make sure you have enough alone time with him, and then the kids have a nanny or something so that your attention won't be divided, then he will see all he has been missing out and probably take you all on the next trip. But if nothing works out, you can just take them to d airport, I remember d 1st time I was an aeroplane it was a school excursion and they took us to one old nigerian airways aircraft, just for then too see how it looks like etc so that when u eventually travel you all won't embarrass ur husband. And have no fear the lord is watching over you and I don't think your husband wants to harm you okay! Ultimately continue to pray and commit ur husband into Gods hand, forgive him and be at peace.

  6. Anonymous5/03/2013

    Sweetheart I know how you feel like, a practical approach would be to start saving your own money and plan on a trip with the kids. I doesn't have to be anywhere far that will cost so much. Even a trip inside Nigeria by air wil get you a little of the exposure you crave for. Maybe after that you would realize that it's not all that.
    Or you can even plan a trip to another African country, maybe Ghana with the kids during their vacation. But you should keep your husband informed and see how he will react.
    I know you are married but sometimes we shouldn't be the only ones sacrificing and suffering all in the name if marriage. You also deserve to be happy and you owe it to yourself to make that happen

    1. Anonymous5/03/2013

      How many kids do you have? Please start saving and like I said treat yourself to a holiday in Ghana or any African country of your choice which is very close by.
      If you know anyone in Ghana, you can ask them to help with the hotel booking etc. it doesn't have to be any thing expensive. With good planning I'm sure you wud get a good deal. Please enjoy your life ok, don't let marriage suck the life out of you.tge key is to start saving. If you can save $100 every month trust me in a years time you can afford to do something fun with the kids.
      I know how you feel that's why I'm stressing on you doing something yourself if your husband doesn't want to.

    2. Yvonne5/04/2013

      hmmmm. i dey fear Naija air transport o. my parents never travelled with all of us in d car. we usually took two cars or some wud stay home. just be prayerful and be a virtuous woman. Apologize for insulting him. doesnt matter who is wrong. and maybe in the middle of lovey dovey, bring it up. if he says no again save ur money and take ur kids out....and pls find out well o hope he no get anoda family

  7. Anty poster after reading ur post I felt so sorry for u! I must say u r a good woman and a patient wife, not many women will endure 15years of this without complaining, and the way you are thinking of the kids shows u very much hold them dear. 1st I am happy that you have spoken to him about it, it shows you have let it out of your system. Pls and pls now is the time to show more love, don't act as if you are the one that spoke to him! I assure you he will be confused, continue to pray for him because the kings heart is in Gods hand to do as he pleases. Then as other bloggers have said, start saving money plan a trip to either obudu ranch or any resort in the country, make sure you let him know at first but don't ask for financial help, by the time the kids are all talking about the anticipated trip with Joy, it will definitely pinch him and he may join u all or sponsor the trip. If he decides to come for the dis trip, make sure there is someone to look after d kids, so u both can have some alone time, look good, dress well and plan some romantic dinners etc! Den also fun programme with d kids, his eyes will open to see all he has been missing. But if this doesn't work I beg you take the kids to the airport and let them do small sight seeing, I remember my 1st time in a plane was the dead and old Nigerian airways that was abandoned in ikeja airport, we just entered n d school teacher took us pictures#coversface. Ultimately use your money and take a flight you will find out that its not a big deal and then it may get off your mind. And I don't think your husband wants to harm you okay, its not yet that deep. So keep calm, God will continue to keep and give u d grace to be a good wife.

  8. @Bonario: she should fill him to the brim with love and the leftover becomes hers? Why leftover for her? What kind of talk is that? Hasn't she being at it for 15yrs? Did u not see the part where she managed with him for 5yrs before he hit it big? Didn't u see the part where he insists they travel by road within Nigeria in order to save cost or didn't u see the part where the man thinks she should be content with feeding and school fees? The woman's point is that she is getting much less compared to what is available. Now u ask her to go appologising.

  9. Let me start by appreciating your strength as a woman, having been in silence for 15yrs, wow! More grease to U
    I don't want to start to imagine what you are going through, Pls call your hubby and talk to him, pour out your heart like never before, in a calm way though. I believe their is more to this, but let me seal my lips.
    Remove all negative thoughts about the trow pillow, but watch your back madam. Lastly prayer, it reaches out where you can't physically.

  10. Johnson5/04/2013

    @ Poster, continue to show love and respect for your husband despite the argument… it was good you have spoken to him. I can also understand the man – vacation abroad no bi easy thing o! Depending on the size of the family for a trip to Europe, it will cost an average of N400k per person for a 1week trip (being very conservative). That is N2million for a family of five (5). The cost is almost double for a trip to the US.
    However, there is hope since he travels officially. Opportunity for a family trip is better when he has an official trip within the holiday periods; his own trip is covered by the company, while he pays for the rest...
    For a man, it is possible that all he has in mind now is to build a ‘secured’ future for his family – school fees, feeding, probably he has a project (building for example) taking large chunk of the money. He might not be confident that this good life will last and would rather be forward looking. You can only know all these if you settle down to talk with him. Please talk with your guy and show understanding as he has not given you any course to doubt his commitment to you and the children. He might have been so consumed in planning a future for you and is blinded to all this things some people consider as pleasure!
    Now to you – what are you doing with the nursing profession? Upgrade yourself professional and get a better career or start a good business that is aligned with your profession. Save up and get international passport for yourself and children. When you start the process, ask your husband for the necessary documents required. With a passport, you can begin to plan smaller trips (like to Accra)….

  11. Anonymous5/04/2013

    Thank you Johnson. Yes, he is building a gigantic structure here in Lagos after completing d village mansion.

    1. Ohhh...now that might be why he can't afford trips for the whole family at the moment.

      Pheww!! I feel better all of a sudden :-D

      Seriously though better communication b/w u 2 will go a long way to prevent misunderstandings.
      I wish u well.


  12. Anonymous5/04/2013

    Haha, no matter the future he is trying to build, not one single trip in 15yrs if not even with the kids at least with his wife, even if its goin to cost 5million for the whole family,its money he's spending on the family he loves,so it shuld not mean much to him besides he can save for a period if he plans to take his family, abi of what use is d mansion and structure when he doesn't have the love, support and understanding of a family, am not saying he shuld have taken them everytime he travels but even if its once or twice in d years dey have been married he would not have broken the bank and yes he wuld still be able to achieve all the future he wants to build...madam pls apologise to your husband cos men thrive on ego, appeal to his ego, apologise for saying all you have said in anger, still go future to thank him for all he's doin for the family,that u appreciate it, cos aside frm the trip issue, he has done more than many man would do, pray for him, may God continue to lift him up, pray for your children,and yourself, where ur husband doesn't take you, ur children will,no one knows 2moro,but if u wna leave the borders of nigeria, even if u can't save up to go europe or us, u can go ghana with ur kids for a week, save up and get passport, u don't even need visa to go to ghana,money will come out from ur insufficient pay and from your husband even if it will be without his knowledge. Let wat you plan to do be known to you alone but don't do anything wicked or evil or anything to spite your husband...

    1. Chyoma!5/04/2013

      he should rather spend 5m on a trip, and then tmrw no school fees? there are more moderate ways of having fun with family biko

    2. Anonymous5/04/2013

      We all know he can't spend 5m on one trip, even if he takes the whole family, if he can't take the wife and kids at least take the wife who has suffered thru it all with him,he even didn't give dem the moderate ways of having fun,travelling by road within nigeria...

  13. I think I agree with Johnson but will just add my 2 cents. Since you don't really make much, why not plan a trip in nigeria to somewhere away from the city you live in currently. Plan it for like next year when you would have saved some money. Book a nice hotel online and research places in that city which you'd like to visit even if you don't know anyone there. This will give you and your kids the opportunity to have the flying experience and relax away from home. I don't know your income so saying you should plan a vacation to another african country might be much for you so start from nigeria.

    As for the throw pillow side of your story, he's your husband so if he has never displayed any barbaric fits of rage in the past 15 years then definitely not now. But If he has done such in the past, then pls watch out. Good luck madam. www.thedeevacentre.com

  14. Anonymous5/04/2013

    Women go tru thick and thin to make sure her home and xpecially d hubby is happy, even sacrifices her happiness to get what she wants! A man u suffered wit for sm yrs and nw hits it big, thinks more of himsef and less of the woman who stood bsides him in d days of dryness. Bliving that feeding, and sch fees are d best thing he can offer his family. Even if no b abroad trip, how abt places in nigeria where he can afford and his mansions and gigantic structure would not collapse, A man wit a caring heart is already a caring man, and a man wit a devils' heart is a devil! A man whose home is full of life b4 he leaves for in work will b full of life at work, perhaps he was upset at work during d day, he will b rest assured dat he's going bk home to ppl who wuld always welcome him and wants to knw the cause of his upset, but the other way round is a disaster! A happy home is when both parties contributes to the birth of d happiness in d home, and not when one party is doing it all and the other feels like, if want, u take it or leave it. A man who has a patient, understanding,and accomodating wife shuld pls apprecia8 d woman; she makes him happy, his home is always peacful for him anytime to comebk and hv his peace, what stops him frm making d woman happy for once? He shuld ask men whose wife and home re HELL FIRE on earth how they cope? And yet talks of schl fess and feeding: It is the right of those children to b fed and trained in schl, if his parent didn't feed him and send him to school, will he b where he is today? That's no XCUSE.
    Madam also pray witout ceasing that God shuld take control

    1. Johnson5/04/2013

      No one has said it is wrong for the man to devote some quality time for family vacation… you would need to understand that most of us (educated or not) are influenced, to a large extent, by our background. Traditionally, men are meant to fend for their homes and most of us will crucify a man that is not able to do this. This man has a pass-mark here.
      There will always be something else a man needs to do to enhance the relationship with his wife (family). If a man takes his family on vacation, another group will ask ‘when last did he take his wife out on a special dinner, what special gifts has he bought for the wife, the list is endless…’ Young men yet to marry, be prepared - marriage is a school you never graduate from! I also believe that marriage is to be enjoyed and it would be more fun if both parties are open to unlearn some old ways and take-on some new activities that would bring better bonding.
      If you are more enlightened than your husband, please carefully introduce some of these nice things to him and get him to appreciate why those things are important. He might just be an educated (and rich) village boy.
      @ Poster, your husband is a good man… let your children know this. You need to talk to the conscience of the children & never make them feel daddy is stingy. Protect the relationship between him and the kids while seeking ways to make the family have some special moments together. Which ever way, the moni go come from the man...

    2. Anonymous5/04/2013

      True we are greatly influenced by our environment, if he's someone without much exposure and then gets the exposure, there shuld be a part of him willing to share with his wife all the things he's been exposed to, I know a family that the husband back in the days whose company sends them on training at sheraton hotel, the wife had no exposure,the man would take his wife on the last day of training wen it was fun time, that's willingness to share his experience with his wife, defintely if it was abroad he would take her if he had the means

  15. Anonymous5/04/2013

    This is appointment would have been the perfect opportunity to relocate your children abroad and give them quality education which is free until university,about trying to harm you trust your instinct and be watchful and prayerful and try and do fun things like taking your kids to a movie etc

  16. Anonymous5/04/2013

    This is appointment would have been the perfect opportunity to relocate your children abroad and give them quality education which is free until university,about trying to harm you trust your instinct and be watchful and prayerful and try and do fun things like taking your kids to a movie etc

  17. If from your knowledge his emoluments can afford the family this spoils... Then why not?

    Secondly, I don't think he wanted to harm you. The devil doesn't work in zig -zag, he works in a straight forward manner. What you did is what can melt a man into a syrup. If a woman does that to me, I will just melt. Telling Me that much truth then withdrawing into herself, haba! Men love women to suck up to them, when you don't they just wonder, that was what struck him.

    You've done the best thing sister...

    The trip is coming on the way, but I pray say no be Cotonou ooo

  18. teerex5/04/2013

    I concur with u Ace. To the poster wuestion,im so sorry for what im about to write but honestly u caused the situation. In 15 years,u never sat ur hubby down n instead u made excuses to ur son. Haba!men would do anything n get away with it if u never voice out. My hubby has official trips t d US regularly bt its d Uk we go to. Trust ur sis,ive started telling him itd be good t go t d Us n if he cnt afford for d kids,just d 2 of us wld b ok. As 4 d pillow issue, i guess he ws most likely deep in thought n remorseful abt wht u said n he gt d urge t cm look at u. He wont harm u, also did he grow up in a well to do home cs if he didnt,he might be scared of spending so much n later nt being able t afford d basic amenities. Well,foreign trips are expensive o. U guys cn travel t Uyo for starters n lodge at le meridien. Also,pls why do u av a separate bedroom? U guys wld av resolved ds at nite with kisses et all n ud get ur trip sharply

  19. Anonymous5/04/2013

    You found your husband standing over your bed with a throw pillow after you had spoken your mind to him and part of your concern is that he might be trying to harm you. Do you know what God gave us instincts for? It's to protect us. I think you should trust your instincts. Too many people die mysterious deaths. If I were u, I would tell at least one family member in case anything happens and sleep with one eye open.

  20. Hmm..outbursts are your soul telling you that there is a real issue somewhere. You would not have burst out if all is rosy right. If something pricks you ,it is natural to scratch no matter how you try to control it. Here is the summary:
    1. Pray to God for guidance and let Father God open your eyes to see anything unhidden.
    2. After prayer, there is action So acttion Step 1.
    -Start saving as much money as you can quietly. With this creeping quietly with a pillow in hand...hmmmm I dont know..not good.
    3. Get passports for you and the kids. Especially you!!!!
    4. Plan small trips to African countries too...Ghana, Ivory Coast, South Africa, Kenya... The kds learn much from these trips. That way when he is ready to leave for his trip you also say oh wonderful darling..the kids and I are going to the vacation in Ghana as well..
    Try and see. But watch and take care of yourself...

  21. Anonymous2/24/2014

    Hmmm there is definately something going on. Standing over you with a pillow?? Did you ask him what he wanted??? Hmm. You did not have an outburst for nothing. Your soulknows there is something going on and needed to expose it...Now see the answer and signs you got. So to summarize please see the action pla:
    1. Pray Pray Pray for God to expose anything hidden and show you what to do(Fire prayer oooo)
    After prayer is action. Here are the action steps summarized:
    A. Get passports for yourself and the children.
    B. Save Save Save oooo. Make sure you have a nest for yourself.
    C. Take a map of Africa and sit with kids and plan where you can go . Many African countries do have sight seeing ..even for one week...Ghana...Ivory Coast, Kenya, South Africa especially...it is educational for the kids.. If the kids learn something about Africa..try to plan to take them to see it...
    D. Watch that man very very CAREFULLY AND SPEAK UP!!!! He is a man and not a deity!!!


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