Should I Marry Him?

Hello Madam Eya,
Thank God for the job God is using you to do. I'll prefer you hide my ID.
 Please before I start this story, I'll like to let your readers know
that as it is now, I don't want to go ahead and

marry this man,
because I know 80% of the advice will be in the negative. The purpose
of this mail mainly, is to see if perhaps there is an off-chance of my
being together with this guy.


MY STORY:
Sometime in 2010, I met this man after Church, he had heard we are in
the same profession and approached me to say hi. He introduced himself
and gave me his card. At the time I was still in school, marriage
wasn't even in my plans. So I stuck the card in my wallet and promptly
forgot about him.


Fast forward 2 years later, I was searching for a job seriously and
came across his card in my wallet, and since he has his own office, I
decided to call him up in case there's an opening. He asked me to come
over and I did. His office is a small place, with a few people already
under him, so he told me there was no vacancy.


Since that reconnection, after Church he'll always say hello and one
particular sunday, decided to give me a ride home.
The man in question is 37, and as soon as I noticed he was developing
an interest in me, I decided to snoop on him via facebook as I was
wondering why he wasn't yet married. I saw a folder tagged wedding in
2011 and opened. 


All the pictures had been deleted save one. His
wedding band was clear for all to see.
I'll try to make this short, because it is a long and winding story.
As soon as I saw that, I lost interest in him. A few weeks after that
he requested a date with me and that there was something important he
has to say. I also told him that there was equally something I wanted
to find out.


We fixed the date and he told me his story. He reconnected online with
a childhood friend of his sometime in 2011, they were friends before
she relocated to the US after secondary school. At that point he was
34 and really wanted to settle, so he told her, and according to him,
she started applying the pressure. Would call him from the US all the
time, profess love and all that. So he went along and proposed. They
didn't court at all. He went and did the trad in her place in absentia
as she gave consent over the phone.


The wedding date was fixed and throughout the period, not once did she
return. Due to her absence, he said he never attended marriage class
for a day in our Church, because I'm sure he would have been talked
out of it by our pastors.


Two weeks to the wedding, she breezed into the country with her dress
and ring (not the set of couple's ring, just 1 for her) and insisted
that's the one they must use. He saw some warning flags and chose to
ignore them (long story).


Well, he bought his own ring and they got married! Two weeks after,
she went back to the US and he hasn't set his eyes on her again since
then. She said if he wants to be with her, that he should relocate to
the US and this is a person that has a thriving office here in Nigeria
and was wondering which of them was supposed to do the relocation.


The matter on ground now, is that its been almost 2years of his sham
marriage to her. In a few months time, he'll be able to seek for an
annulment from Court (since my Church is licensed to wed couples under
the Marriage Act).
She has given her consent for the annulment as she said that the
marriage is what she regrets doing most in her life. He showed me
nasty messages on his phone she sent to him and all that.
Now he has said that its me he wants to marry. 


He's 10 years older
than I am. Relating with him so far, I've found out that he's a very
nice person that was just unlucky in love. He's attentive, caring to a
fault and uses every opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.
Probably because of his experience, he treats me like an egg, and I
just have to say I want the moon and he'll give me. He has been
hinting on getting me a car for my 27th birthday and said that whether
I refuse to marry him or not he wants to spoil me.


My problem now is this, he had an elaborate wedding with her in my
Church, in fact a popular musician was at the reception. My family is
well known and respected in my Church, since its the same one we've
been attending since 1991. I've always had this dream of wedding in my
Church alter ever since I was little, I always said I don't mind
following the man to another Church afterwards.


This is for those that may say we can wed in another Church. I cringe
each time I imagine the tongues that will wag when it comes out that
I'm getting married to a divorcee. The same people that attended his
first marriage, won't they be the same people that will come again if
we decide to wed?


I'm quite attractive, so having suitors has never been an issue. My
last relationship with someone 1yr older than I am packed up after
6years and left me heartbroken as he isn't ready to settle down. Now,
this guy's age is an issue for me and also the issue of his paper
marriage.


I have other toasters now, but none so far is ready to settle down
soon and age really is no longer on my side, plus this guy's maturity
and attention has made other guys pale in comparison. If he didn't
have this past, I would have married him in a heartbeat despite the
age difference.


So far I've refused to give him a definite answer, and told him till
3months time when he has gotten the marriage annulled. My friends have
divided opinions. All are vehemently opposed to it and feel I'm too
beautiful to end up with someone like him, that I should wait and meet
a single young man without a past. Just one of my friends is in
support and has said if he really gets the annulment, she doesn't see
anything wrong with my marrying him.


In the meantime, he's steadily applying the pressure. I think I may
have started liking him a little.
I'm so confused, someone please help.

PS: I am a born again Christian and have been speaking to God about
the whole situation. I've not gotten a leading yet. I don't even know
the biblical standpoint of his divorce or anything.  God bless you
all.

Comments

  1. Anonymous5/11/2013

    Do you love him, cos it seems like you are only concerned with what people will say. Trust me, people will always talk but after the marriage they will go on with their lives and so would you. An annulment means the marriage never existed because it was not contracted on genuine means.
    I think the most important thing you should be concerned about is the man in question. Check his character very well and ask yourself some hard questions about him. Also make sure you marry him because you truly live him and not because he is a good man and age is not by your side.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shikena! My point is, know him for him not because age is not on ur side or because of his past. If you love him n vice versa then you are free. Bear in mind After the wedding comes the marriage

      Delete
  2. Anonymous5/11/2013

    I meant 'love'

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear poster,
    First of all, you are only 'just beginning to like him' yet, so it's not a wise decision to start talking marriage sef.

    First of all, do you know him? Are you guys courting cos from what I read, you guys are not yet courting, so it's going to be very difficult to conclude. All these "he's so nice", trust me, marriage is beyond "he's so nice' o. Of course he has to be extremely nice and promise you a car. Not to exaggerate, that's what all men do when they are on the 'chase', that is not a definition of what they will be after the chase(they do it to make girls fall for them).

    I know a guy that was extremely nice, if the chic calls him by 9pm to rescue her, he would ASAP, but guess what, he ended up raping her as a virgin. Someone that was meant to be her 'all in all'.

    If you chose to court him, which you should be talking about first before deciding to yes/no, do it not because of anything anyone will say.

    Is he the type of man you would want for a husband? Forget 'nice' or car. That's not a criteria. Find out useful things. Forget any pity party, don't settle with him out of pity. Do everything you do for a right reason. That you aren't getting younger isn't a right reason. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Is he the one that wants the same future as you? Will he shut you up once you get married? Find out these relevant things o.

    Don't make the mistake of basing your decisions on what people think, your age or what he does during 'the chase'. Test him.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous5/11/2013

    My dear,you have to be very careful,some men can be very funny,just don't pity him bcos he is getting old n needs a good wife n kids,cos with the way u sounded,I don't think kids are involved,divorce is something God does not like and even if it happens both parties should not re-marry till death do them part,if he is not happy with his life the way it is,he should hold God stronger and He will see him through,my sister do not marry somebody's husband oh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/11/2013

      The guy should try and work something out with his wife,if it's for him to join her in america to make peace,he should do it,no be only woman go dey do wetin man like,he should try and make the effort of saving his mariage.

      Delete
  5. Johnson5/11/2013

    Reading through your post, it’s obvious you don’t have peace around the whole marriage proposal. As a child of God, that is one clear way God speaks to us… He’s the Prince of peace and leads us that way even when situations around us seem chaotic.
    With regards to this relationship, it’s obvious your parents are not in the picture and I am definite they will not consent to it. You cannot (should not) go ahead without their consent…
    For me, it’s a NO.
    Please severe the relationship ASAP and don’t give room to the devil. Don’t accept gifts from him; especially the proposed car gift. Let him take care of his marital challenges without involving you… And to add, age difference is , and should, not an issue in your consideration for a spouse. Abraham was 10years older than Sarah. But no bi like say make you marry your father’s age mate!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bia sister, Gini ka icho?

    You have all you need in your life and you wasting time, lemme tell you how I live my life, I NEVER care about what pple choose to say about me as long my decision satisfies me completely. I am just happy like that.

    Take a queue!

    Life is short, waste little time minding what ppl will say or think about you, the world is loaded with over 8 billion ppl in a struggle to survive, about 10 million that figure want to be in your shoes right now, about 10 of that number might just be in your congregation.


    Be wise!

    Nuff'Said

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/11/2013

      What point are you trying to make?
      Na parable u dey yan...

      Delete
  7. Anonymous5/11/2013

    I agree with johnson, for the fact u do not have a peace of mind, i dont think is wise to marry him.
    According to u, u've been praying about it but untill now u'r heart is not at rest.
    Also find out whether what he told is the truth of what happened with his ex wife.
    Go for counselling, see ur pastor or any other person u think is matured enough to talk about marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous5/11/2013

    My dear poster check dat man very well becos frm d story of his marriage dere is somtin wrong. First he married a lady he didn't no very well even to d extent of havin his trad in d ladies absence. Huuuuuu orishirishi!!!! Do we still ve such men in naija? Watch him ooo so dat he won't marry u tomoro n say its a mistake. So u guys shud court atleast for 6 months to 1yr n be truthful to urselves, also pray for God's direction n pls make such u guys go for fertility test before u marry becos d bobo story no jos pure #lol#. It is well my dear d lord is ur strenght. Jelooooo

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous5/11/2013

    My dear poster check dat man very well becos frm d story of his marriage dere is somtin wrong. First he married a lady he didn't no very well even to d extent of havin his trad in d ladies absence. Huuuuuu orishirishi!!!! Do we still ve such men in naija? Watch him ooo so dat he won't marry u tomoro n say its a mistake. So u guys shud court atleast for 6 months to 1yr n be truthful to urselves, also pray for God's direction n pls make such u guys go for fertility test before u marry becos d bobo story no jos pure #lol#. It is well my dear d lord is ur strenght. Jelooooo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Shayor!5/12/2013

    I'm not convinced dt dis is good. Something feels fishy to me abt dis man. Once married, old, being too nice. But I can't concretely say 'Do not marry' cos I can't place my fingers on d exact feeling I av, but I know its a bad feeling. You need to av peace in ur heart b4 u can venture into sometin as impt as marriage. Goodluck!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous5/12/2013

    Dnt rush, court him first n b satisfied he is d real one.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous5/12/2013

    Thanks to you all for your responses so far. I am the original poster.
    I'm still getting to know him and so far I've not encountered any red flags. I've decided to see our pastor who joined them during the wedding and talk to him about it.
    I've also sopken to my mom and she says she doesn't have an issue against him but that I should also see the Revd. That seems like the next logical step to take.
    Thanks for all your contributions. I'm going to use between now and the next 3months when he'll be free and know him better.
    God bless you all.

    ReplyDelete

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