Should I Go In Search Of My Dad?

Hello Aunty Eya,
I am a reader of your blog with some family issues I know the sound minds on that blog can help me straighten. I am just getting to know that my Biological Father is not the one I call Father. I grew up all my life knowing him as my father.

Last week I eavesdropped on a conversation between my mum and a

visiting Aunty ( My mother's elder sister). Apparently mum got pregnant for me before meeting my present Father. It was her best relationship but they couldn't get married because his family wanted an Igbo girl for him. Mum being Yoruba decided to call it quits and go where she'd be accepted. 

A few months after the break-up, she met my Dad and it was then she discovered the pregnancy and told my present Dad who cautioned her against letting anyone know and promised to adopt the baby (me).


After their wedding, I was born and then came my sister and brother who are the real biological children of our father. After eavesdropping, I confronted my mum who promised she'd give me the address of my biological Father if I really want to go. I think I want to meet my own flesh and blood, on the other hand, I am worried of what may happen to mum's marriage if I eventually leave after Dad has seen me to my third year in the University.


I feel I need to know my roots, another part of me is reluctant like I should stay with the Dad I've known all my life. I have prayed about it but still do not know which way to go. Aunty Eya please this is urgent for me. Help post it. I need sincere advise on whether it's proper to go look for my biological Father or to stay and forget about what I heard.

Hello all, Please I'm confused. I need your advice to help me decide.

Comments

  1. Who says blood is not thicker than water?

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  2. Anonymous5/21/2013

    I'll advise you go look for your own father and stop living a lie. #Dazall

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  3. If I were you, I won't bother. What makes you think you'll be loved? There are adopted children everywhere if you don't know.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/21/2013

      You never talk of acceptance first you come dey talk of love. That man must be married now with wife and kids. Does he/she think they'll be ready to accept someone who appears from no where as a part of their family? Think again.

      Delete
  4. Anonymous5/21/2013

    U need to ask urself how u will handle d entrance of ur biological father into your life. Will u start to treat him as ur 'father'? What kind of relationship will u have with his new family? Etc.
    My advise would be for u to first settle in your heart that no matter what your FATHER is d man who took u as his own daughter and did not treat u any less, and has seen u to d level u r now. You should not change ur relationship with and regard for him cos he deserves it.

    Also, I think u should wait till u r done with school and have some level of independence before u decide to search for your biological father and bring him into your life.

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    Replies
    1. I disagree totally. he should wait for this one to complete his Education for him before he abandons him for another father? Please don't do that my sis. Some things are better left the way they are. Your leaving will be the beginning of problems in your mothers nmarriage. I've seen it happen

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  5. Amanda5/21/2013

    Abeg let sleeping dogs lie. The one that has been there all this while is the real father if you don't have sense.

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  6. I know it feels like u've murdered sleep,and you sleep no more till you see the end of this inquisition.
    And believe me issues like this like religion are so dear to the heart that no amount of advice can change your mind from meeting your biological dad.especially now you know the truth.
    My dear it won't be out of place if you seek your root especially now ur ignorance as it pertains that issue has been cured somewhat. Would av adviced you not to bother if u were having a mere doubt,but ur mum concretized what u heard.
    But dear I'll advice u pursue this mildly and with no form of resentment for your mum and her husband,so that no matter how you quest turnout,u'll still have a lovel family to fall back to.coz it may turnout as least expectes if your biological dad cares less about you.
    Lemme still withhold from tagging ur eavesdropping a divine providence,till u back.
    Goodluck dear.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

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    Replies
    1. Plz bear wif me some typos.
      Couldn't help it,my eyelids want to make love. Duh
      Gudnite y'all.

      ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

      Delete
  7. All you need is just to see his face, then go back to your normal life and act like nothing happened... Trust me, you really don't need him.

    Going outright after your biological dad will make your adopted dad feel let down, sad and obliterated. Act wisely!

    Once again, just sneak off, know the man and zoom off back to your life... Those who give us LIFE are not necessarily the same people who gave birth to us, that's why we love and we marry people we know from know where and make them our everything!


    Nuff'Said

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    1. Anonymous5/22/2013

      #Fact

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    2. Ace, on point. Just to satisfy your curiosity look for the man, see him and go back to your life. Don't even reveal yourself to him, because for all you know he might not know you exist, and you definitely wouldn't want him to have issues in his marriage. Plus it would be unfair on the man you have known as dad all your life.After now, with the help of your mum and her husband, reconciliation can then take place.

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  8. All you need is just to see his face, then go back to your normal life and act like nothing happened... Trust me, you really don't need him.

    Going outright after your biological dad will make your adopted dad feel let down, sad and obliterated. Act wisely!

    Once again, just sneak off, know the man and zoom off back to your life... Those who give us LIFE are not necessarily the same people who gave birth to us, that's why we love and we marry people we know from know where and make them our everything!


    Nuff'Said

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    Replies
    1. Best comment I have read today! God bless you Ace

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  9. Anonymous5/21/2013

    Seconded!

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  10. Anonymous5/21/2013

    Seconded!

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  11. Y̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥å. U dnt nid 2 mak Any formal announcemnt of it. Tak d addres 4rm ur mum tel ha u jst wnt 2 hv it. Wen u go, u dnt nid 2 approach him cos he myt nt knw bout u n myt care less. Dnt PLS PLS dnt let ur real dad knw dt u r in on d secret less of all ur quest 2 meet d sperm donor. It wld brk his heart

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  12. Anonymous5/21/2013

    Hmmn, i hope the man accepts u sha,except he did not know ur mom was pregnant! cos, if he did, he should have at least asked after you. And my dear, ur second Dad has takenn you as a daughter, except he treats u otherwise, but if not ooh, i really dnt see the reason y u want to really meet him. At the end of the day, i bet you are not going to be as close to his children as u are to ur mom's kids.
    I grew up with my mom's sis(from a tender age)! my parents are still alive but i am not close to them,and trust me they are sweet and all but from that tender age,my aunts 1st child came when i was about 7, they are my closest siblings even tho i av 6 siblings whom i relate to but cos we did not grow up together there is still that distance. my aunt and her husband take me as their first child, went to a good pry school,secondary, sent me to the states for college and are still supporting me. Now,why did i give u my own story, cos there is nothing i want that is within their power that they wnt give me and Who Really is A FATHER, a man that has been there for u all dis while if u ask me(it must not be a blood relative)
    But if u still feel convinced,then u can go look for ur biological dad, but my instincts tell me @ least he should av made the 1st step if he was really interested. Keep Praying about it tho and pls dnt leave where u r being celebrated to go and be tolerated.

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  13. Wow! I wish you were watching the series I am watching now, 'Switched at birth', you would really know what to do with the information and how to deal with the outcome of your decision. It is more complex than what we can really treat here because this is not just about a bio dad but bio half siblings and another real bio extended family. You really have to be careful with what you decide to do.

    1. It's your biological dad we are talking about. Let's be real, if I was you, I will be anxious to find out too (mostly if he's Dangote :-) ). Your biological dad may accept you and want to be part of your life (mostly if he wasn't aware of your existence) OR he may not care about your existence when you try to establish contact with him. But whichever way it will be, you wouldn't know until you find out.

    2. You must never leave your mum's husband. He is your DAD. As a matter of fact, I'd advice that you don't do anything behind their backs. Try and get their support of what you want to do. Because there's a bigger picture. They have told your dad's extended family members that you are your mum's husband's child, so if you find out your bio dad and he wants to establish a relationship with you, it's going to be deeper than you think. Except you don't want to have a relationship like that.

    3. Is your mum's husband willing to let the cat out of the bag that you were adopted? you have to respect his feelings too. Was your bio dad aware that your mum was pregnant? If he was, so that means he abandoned you to your new real dad.

    4. All in all, your mum's husband is your true father. You owe him everything. He adopted you and treated you like his own.

    I advice that even if you see your bio dad and he wants to have a relationship with you, talk with your mum and father. They are your real parents. Respect them. They might want you guys to have a coded relationship, but truth is just talk to mum and DAD about what they think you should do sha.

    I really feel it's complicated mostly if meeting him turns out well, except you want to use Ace's method and just sneak and see him and move on with your life like 'nothing dey happen'. It's kind of heartbreaking what you are passing through. Your mum must feel sad a bit. Just don't make your Father sadder with anything you do. Always respect him. He's your DAD.

    Please let us know what you decide and how you handle it and feedback of what happened. Pray for wisdom too. God bless!

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    Replies
    1. Nice one Jay!

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    2. @Jay is so on point.
      Poster, whatever you decide to do ehn, make sure you have your parents consent. That your adopted father is your saviour! Your bio father is just a sperm donor

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    3. Hehehehehehe@sperm donor....

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  14. that19yearold5/22/2013

    Wow! I honestly don't think u should go n look for yur 'real' father. I am a 20 year old n I don't knw who my father is,where he is,how he looks,where he comes from,if he has a family,if he is rich or poor or if he is still alive. Bottom line is I don't knw him or have a relationship wiv him. My mom had me as a teenager n till dis day she never told me even wen I asked her several years ago. Right now I haven't even seen her in five years or more! I stay wiv an aunt whose husband loves n takes care of me to nonsense. I travel abroad,school there and I DON'T LACK anything. Now there's the part of me dat wants to knw my dad buh its just me being inquisitive and its very normal-i want to knw he's name,knw if he is Dangote lool etc but even tho I seee him now he can't take the place of my auntys husband in my life. Its unfortunate buh my mom deprived him of dat n I can't even call him dad wen I c him or decide to go n leeave wiv him bcos he's rich mayb...I will always give it to the man who took care of me since I was 7 years old n practically made me who I am NOW! My advice is that u let God do he's thing cos u never knw wat he is planning for u-wait for Gods perfect timing as he makes ALL things n I mean ALL things beautiful in He's time and that's wat I also take solace in...hope u understand n do the right thing. Am praying for u! Much love

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  15. I really think you should wait till you have some form of independence both financially and other wise, e.g marriage. Not because you want ur dad to help you then you abandon him, but because it will be easier for your dad to handle when you are not in his house, under his roof and talking about your real dad. It will be easier for him to handle when there is already another man in your life (husband).

    That's why women are warned not to get pregnant for someone they dnt end up with cos the child will always want to know his/her real dad. It's normal. Does not mean you are ungrateful or non of that. But for now, let sleeping dogs lie.

    If you insist on doing it now, then feel the pulse of the environment at home, when you believe it is ok to start this chapter in everyone's life cos every one will be affected including your current siblings, the ones from ur real dad, ur real dad, his wife, his people, every one will be affected.

    In my opinion, when you find him, dnt first try to establish any relationship with him cos if he did not know ur mum was pregnant, it will be a very rude shock. You could first pretend to be a sales person or someone wanting to see him for business that you got his contact from someone (this might be a tough drama to act). when you have met him and seen the kind of person he is, then you will know whether to tell him the truth or not.

    My point is pls stalk the man a bit before you show up as his child cos he cud be anybody. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Dnt start having faith that he will be perfect. Faith no reach this one.

    Do everything you do prayerfully. All the best.

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    1. I forgot to add that ur dad might have been looking forward to walking you down the aisle and being the father of the day. What happens when ur real dad comes into the picture and maybe wants a relationship with you? Will you tell him not to attend ur wedding? Cos even if ur real dad attends as a normal guest, it will not be the same for ur dad. Pls give him that gift before u do anything else.

      Dis is assuming you are a lady, also assuming you'll get married in the next two or three years.

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    2. Ahdaisy, you are a blessing to this genertion. God bless you. Thank you for staying strong after all those hate comments.

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    3. *generation

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    4. sister5/22/2013

      @ahda I think u re talking about d part susan played in desperate housewives.loool

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    5. sister5/22/2013

      @ahda ve u watched season 8 u know its very confusing in the last part u know Bree became a politician,lynnet a big time business woman Gabby a tv network owner what did susan become abeg I need answers biko from anybody who has watched it thanks I come in peace

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    6. @ Sister ehyaa... I don't watch it so I can't help you. Check online sha....

      @ Mary, thank you dear...

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    7. sister5/22/2013

      @ahda thanks

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    8. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Susan went to live wit Julie and her baby, with MJ after Mike died.

      Delete
  16. I agree with Jay and Ahdaisy. well i'm going to come from a different angle. i think it's very important you meet you biological dad and his children that is if you have any. i'm saying so cos chances are that you might meet his son assuming you don't know him and then start having a relationship with him not knowing he's your half brother. if not for this particular reason, i will say let sleeping dogs lie after all there are so many men raising kids that don't belong to them unknowingly.

    Please whatever you do, don't shut your present dad out cos you owe him your everything. He saved your mom from the shame attached to pregnancy before marriage and gave you a chance to live. who knows your mom would have considered an abortion if he didn't come along. so please tread gently cos this issue is a delicate one and the odds might just be against you. best of luck....

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  17. Anonymous5/22/2013

    Yea...dt he deposited his watery sperm inside ur mum only makes him ur dad by 10% or less.ur sponsor is ur real dad,ok.so dnt hurt him

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  18. U have been watching too many foreign movies!whoever said blood is thicker than water just spewed a lot of rubbish!
    See that's why men don't like 'born 1s'oo bcos in future u would have delusional kids like this going to look for their 'runaway' dads who never contributed an iota in their lifes!
    To the somebody who said what if the dad is Dangote,see how materialistic we've become?who said Dangote is a good dad?or is raising morally upright kids?or kids fearing God?just bcos he's rich,he's a father worth looking for.smh.We've really become vain in our thinking.
    U have a dad,enjoy him and stop looking for fantasies!

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  19. Anonymous5/22/2013

    I think u should take Jay's advice. From wat you have said, it seems your bio dad doesn't know about u either.

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  20. Anonymous5/22/2013

    4get ur real Dad he wudnt worth d stress. Am 31 years old went in search of my father wen I was in my final year or so 05/06. I was jus curious dats all not as if he did not know of my existence. Probably bcuz he's younger broda came loOking 4 me and I decided 2 visit. I told d younger broda I will visit if only he will not reveal my identity . So off I went sat in his compound, he even came outside we all sat in a round table gisting. I was really heart broken cuz my so called dad cudnt recognise me. One of his sista came around saw me and asked Tommy my uncle if I was d daughter of Ann (not real names)dat I look so much like her(am my mums replica) how come my dad cudnt c dat? Well d bottom line don't go 2 where u won't b nided he has a family now jus like my dad n I bet his wife will not take it kindly wit u. I grew up wit my maternal peeps der ve bin my rock n all . D felt betrayed wen d got d news dat I went in search of him, n dat is how ur adopted Dad will feel. He has made u his. Pls don't go breaking his heart . Wen I was abt getting married was anoda drama on its own!(Whew!. @ poster pls save ur self d stress. 4get him cuz u r going to hurt lots of people here. Consider wat dei went tru 2 bring u up 2 dis stag.I will alwayz remain grateful 2 ma mums family. Dei gave me life, Love etc. Am 32 , graduate, working in a gud coy , married wit a lovely 5months old (son) and I say F**k my biological Father! (He's veryrich n prominient) sorry 2 bore.

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  21. Anonymous5/22/2013

    *u guys*

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  22. Which one is real father and biological father? The man who raised you up from childhood and paid your school fees through school and hospital bills while you were at the verge of death is your real father. A sperm donor has no business being a father of another man's child.
    I only feel your mother should have told you earlier, perhaps while growing up so that you would have gotten accustomed to it but all the same, it's no point. Stay with your parents; looking for your 'real' dad will bring up old wounds and trust me, you won't want to be in the middle of it for any reason at all. What if you never knew the truth?
    Don't disrupt your young life with such.

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  23. Anonymous5/22/2013

    My dear, pls let sleeping dogs lie.
    That other man is just a sperm donor.
    Ur real dad is the one who raised u, d one who was there frm day one, the who carried u wen were born nd called u his.
    When I read ur story i told myself, what a MAN.
    How many men wld do that?
    Some one won't even go for a single mum, talk less of a woman who's carrying another man's child.
    He covered ur mother's nakedness and made her smile again.
    Imagine d stigma single mums face now and how it wld ve been 20 yrs ago or so.
    Have u thot about d shame ur parents wld go through in d hands of ur father's extended family.
    They wld never forgive ur mum.
    They may even say she jazzed up.
    In those days they used to do sme traditional things like virginity mortar or other things in some cultures.
    What if ur mum had hers wen she married ur dad?
    How wld other family friends see ur mum?
    Have u thot bout ur siblings.?
    U may think it's all bout u but its not.
    This is not bout u alone.
    I understand that you may be curious, so u can go nd c him from a distance BUT don't c him without d knowledge of ur parents and it should b highly coded.
    It wld breaks ur dad's heart.

    Thats my own opinion.

    Karen.

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