Possible Cheating Husband: What should I do?

Hello Aunty Eya,
I just recently started following your blog and coincidentally I need advice from you and your blog subscribers. I got married about 6months ago and I am currently pregnant with our first child. A top priority of mine in life has been to get married for one thing, Love. As I desire happiness more than material things. I applied that to my marriage. I got married to a man I love and with previous indications he would make me happy. 


He is far from poor, infact he is average and
provides for me beyond needs. My problem is, recently I started noticing strange calls whenever I am with my husband. Calls from a particular girl. And then calls from several girls. He has never given me a reason to doubt him but I just suddenly had this gut feeling something was wrong.

 He has started hiding to pick calls, cancelling messages and going out at odd hours. I generally do not agree with spying and checking phones but I decided to try and see what I will find. I found out he has been having ongoing conversations with a particular girl for months. He calls her about 3 times a day and they exchange msgs which he deletes. The other day she Sent him a message saying she misses him, wants him to touch her and called him 'darling'. My husband replied and then deleted the message. 

I'm livid! There is obviously something going on between him and this girl or am I being unreasonable? Whenever I try to talk to him about these types of issues, he either ignores me, gives vague answers or refuses to talk completely. I have suddenly become really sad and depressed and I feel it will affect my baby, please advice me on what to do...honest and non-judgemental advice please, I'm already emotional. Please keep me anonymous Anty Enya. Don't post my email or name, thanks.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Comments

  1. Wow! *sigh* why do men just do this? Just 6months? I'm weak. According to u, he's refused to talk about it.. And nxt thing, he'd say ure nagging. Get down on ur knees my dear. And pray for ur marriage! Whatever u allow on earth is allowed in heaven and woteva u bind on earth is bound in heaven. Pray for ur marriage!pray!pray for ur unborn kids. That same girl or girls wud see ur hubby and strt running away. Its what​ prayer does.. Plz be strong ok ? God's grace.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Men na wa ooooooo! Just relax and stop being depressed except u want your blood pressure to soar.MAKE URSELF HAPPY, dont discuss it with him again, love him more(dt makes him feel guilty). For the sake of our baby, pls keep your head high. Lots of love

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  3. Johnson5/23/2013

    For the single ladies, don’t get into marriage purely because of ‘love’. The word love had been (and is still being) wrongly used by many when they are actually infatuated.
    The young ones get into marriage without a clue what marriage is all about…, and for the married, you sincerely need to re-appraise your motive for getting married.
    @Poster, you man is cheating and you know it! What should you do?
    1. God is your only refuge. Whatever strategy you devise outside taking it to God will soon fall apart. Establish a relationship with God and take your challenges to Him as a child to her Daddy.
    2. Talk to hubby – remind of your love, and commitment, for him and ask him to pray for you, your baby and your marriage.
    3. Pray for your home… and let him hear you pray.
    Your marriage is too young to have issues… do not give the devil an opportunity to succeed in his plan. The Almighty God will preserve your home IJN!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Johnson5/23/2013

      *** @Poster, your man is...

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/24/2013

      Johnson, I boldly put it to you that love is the basic in marriage. Why becos with love there is tolerance, understanding, sacrifice, endurance etc.

      Single ladies you must marry becos you genuinely love that person. Love is what sustain your marriage.

      Delete
    3. Yes oo! LOVE is d basic in marriage I concur too! LOVE covers all wrongs, unconditional love, its patient, accomodating etc. And above all God is Love. If u gat God and love ur husband wat else?
      I can't even begin to imagine how u feel, its soo painful! But like sm1 said love ur husband more,pamper him all sorts dnt talk abt it to him again and just be rilly happy in d house, he'll be confused n if he has a heart he'll be bk 2 u in no tym, then love ur God even more dan eva, cos after everything Hez all dt matters o! May He be with u n sort u out thru dese challengin tyms iJn! 1 more thing, to get ur mind off it, get busy plannin 4 d arrival of ur bundle of joy and look forward to d joy dt comes with it.. God bless

      Delete
    4. Anonymous5/27/2013

      i believe Johnson was referring to the warped definition of love that society and hollywood has fed us

      Delete
  4. I have said it many times on this blog, even if some peeps try to make a clean shave of such propositions... I said it "95% of men cheat or have cheated on their partner" cheating is embeded in the male instinct only God know's.

    Your hubby's approach is much more of a suave style cos he gives you no room to air your suspicion and not also ready for a recompense.

    The solution is... How do you help your self?

    1) Give him his space, let him want you truly and sincerely. If he see's you are off his radar he'll have to compromise, he'll call for a truce, that'll be the alter where ur grievance will be addressed.


    2) Your resolve to solve this must not affect your personal life, NOTE that, if you begin to make your self look pitiful and down this inturn will make you seem to him like a less beautiful person and a victim.

    3) Do you know someone he respects, he's parents, pastor, friend or neighbor bring them in.

    4) Lastly, time and experience is the ultimate healer of a cheating partner, in many cases no matter how u try he just won't stop. Why not just take it off your mind for your sake and the lovely baby allow time and experience to remake things.



    Nuff'Said!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/23/2013

      If approx. 95% of men cheat/have cheated, what should the ladies do?
      1. Accept their fate if married or about to get married.
      2. Do not marry if you cannot live with an unfaithful hubby. Else you'll be bitter and might end up in hell. Hubby might repent and make it to heaven...
      3. Have a winning strategy to either catch one of the 5% 'good' men or convert your hubby to that group.
      I have been married now for >10yrs and have NEVER cheated (or tried to cheat) on my wife. There are challenges, but we are better today than when we started. The secret - Love God & strive to always please Him.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Anon @9.31 God bless u. My husband is among dat 5% too. If a man loves God (or a woman as d case may be) cheating won't cross ur mind. I don't even bother myself abt wheteher my hus is wit another woman or has a female visitor in my absence or abt his female clients because as a child of God he knows what d bible says abt adultery and so do I. Our aim is to please him.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Ace pls quit blabbin and how old r u again?? i kept readin down to see if u wud @ least say pray buh as usual u ddnt fail to disappoint!! so, u r already giving ursef away as someone who would cheat on their wife..smdh!!!
      The fear of GOD IS THE BEGINNIN OF WISDOM
      #DAZALL#

      Delete
    4. I actually find it offensive when people say that cheating is part of the male nature. It is an insult to God. You are trying to say he created men as cheats... Because? Why will God create men to be a source of heart ache to women? I dnt get it at all....

      Delete
    5. So many of these 9ja men with this 'cheating is men's nature' thinking back it up by saying that in the old testament, Solomon had concubines. They forget the part that Solomon is not a standard and the bible is. And God is against adultery!

      It's sadder that some african-christian men are going with this disillusioned thinking that even non-christian/non-African men do not go with. Some things are about principles. Any man that thinks men are that way and justifies his actions with that fallacious thinking has a disillusioned mindset and lacks principles. Period!


      @Ace: I'm not sure that number 3 is such a good suggestion. It's not all men that like being reported to a respected person. From the lil she has said, I doubt if the hubby will like that. It may end up escalating the issue at hand.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous5/24/2013

      I believe Ace is talking statistics, and not God's plan. Statistically, Ace is most likely right. Definitely, it might not been God's plan but it isn't always obtainable in reality. If men are truly sincere, they might have cheated at least once, even if emotional. Nuff said, like Ace would say.

      Delete
    7. Anonymous5/24/2013

      ace, you are on point! but women like deceiving themselves! men cheat before marriage, so what stops them from cheating after marriage? women also cheat before marriage, but can stop after marriage. dencia made a comment that if she was a man, she would carry out dna on any child a woman gives birth to for him. now that says a lot! and the 700club presenter, captured it all. women like lies!

      Delete
    8. The fact that you're an active cheat doesn't mean everyone is like you. Not everyone cheats before or after marriage. If you've resolved to have a lifetime of cheating then congratulations, just don't try to force your negativity on everyone.

      Delete
    9. @Jay.... what's wrong with no. 3? What other option is left for a person whose spouse has chosen to break the serious vows he made just 6months ago? Is it about what he likes for Gods sake?? why shd we continue to make men feel they are Almighty God? He is in the wrong and SHOULD be sorry or hiding it sef. Why shouldnt he be called to order for his errant behaviour...So she should be petting him and 'praying' for him to change while he walks all over her... where is the fairness or is the woman meant to be a slave in marriage? I bet if the woman was the one caught cheating so early our judgment would be very very different. Gosh..

      Delete
  5. POSTER5/23/2013

    Thank you Mrs Ama,God bless! @Johnson, my marriage was not based on 'Love'alone incase that was the vibe you got from reading my post. Of cause I looked at other attributes, like level of religiousness, character etc but could not figure out anything out of place. I guess sometimes you cannot know a person fully until you settle down, however thanks for for advice..well appreciated

    ReplyDelete
  6. POSTER5/23/2013

    @ACE: I truly appreciate your helpful comments! The truth is I have been rather depressed and have been moping and looking sad round the house. I will definately make a change. Its just sad that I would be going through this in just 6months of marriage. Lord.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. kambili5/24/2013

      hugging you right now poster. God bless you and give you peace and happiness again. just keep praying. it will be alright someday. trusting God for you.

      Delete
  7. Sigh! Men! Just 6 months. Is it that they derive joy in giving their women high blood pressures? If you love someone, why will you want to do that which will make her bp rise? This is not even about the girls in question. Because even if 50 girls don't agree to do whatever with him, he will still keep chasing skirts.

    Poster, try and be calm for your health sakes and that of your baby. It's sad that at such an early stage in your marriage he can't even keep his vows. Worse still, obey what the bible says.

    I'll advice that you take your burdens to God. Only him can calm you down and give you the peace and calmness you need to tackle this situation in the best way possible (as talking from now till Apple Inc. goes bankrupt might never work).

    Just keep calm, keep respecting your husband. Ignore any rude manner he talks to you. Just keep calm. Don't nag him. Keep your own vows. Show him love, care and attention. Don't stop.

    I'm short of words. But using all of the advice you can gather from this blog, FIRST things first, go on your knees and battle it out in prayer. Pray until something happens. PUSH!

    Meanwhile, do fun stuffs with your spare time. Don't give yourself headache in doing Jack Bauer work. Go to church services, your ante natal, visit facebook, twitter, youtube, bellanaija, WC, instagram, keek, play with google search, visit all the blogs on blogspot and wordpress :-) etc just to remove your mind and browse away your tension. Just keep calm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I pray that you too will come and share your testimony with us. Please follow all the advice that you get here. And know that you have a family on this blog. *Warm Bear Internet Hugs*

      Delete
    2. POSTER5/23/2013

      I feel much better, thanks Jay *hugs*.

      Delete
  8. Poster, for now, give yourself peace and let it be.focus on ur little one and relax

    Speak to urself daily. Say, 'I will neither be upset nor angry. I refuse to let whatever is going on with my hub affect me. I am in control of my emotion. I have a little one who depends solely on me for survival. I will dedicate my thoughts and emotions to taking care of my little one. I will also take care of myself. God loves me and so many other people do. My environment will not dictate my happiness.

    My husband will change. He is a good man and the fear of God will arrest him. I will not fight him, or hate him or keep malice with him. I will love him no matter what. From now on, I am going to be selfish with my intentions. I will love him and tolerate him not because he deserves it but because that is the best thing for me and my baby. I can never be disadvantaged. I will not lose out. What I give is what I get. I will not love and be cheated because I love. My husband will come to his senses and that woman will disappear. She will know no peace till she get's far away from my husband. My husband will know no peace till he get's rid of every distraction.

    I am perfect. I am wonderful. If he is cheating on me, it is because he does not know what he has."

    Seriously say this to yourself every morning and go about your business normally. Just tell him you know what is going on, you dnt like it, but you will let it go for now because your life is too precious to waste on such acts of childishness from him. Tell him this and dnt confront him again. If he is genuinely a good man, his conscience will fight your battle for you.

    Takia.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Pls be strong my dear!I so feel 4u,d things men do.I was so sure my fiance wasn't looking out till he dropped a baby on my laps.tssssk,wat can I do but 4give.as every1 has said pray,pray n pray!jus do all wats bin said here.it is well with u.stay safe

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Poster, thanks for your remarks!

    (#6month) You see, there's no time that's perfect enuff for a marriage to rock.

    I also want you to understand that there's no perfect principle to know who will be a cheat after marriage cos we see in our world that even men of the pulpit stray with church girls, choir master sef, suppose to be celebate priest too are not left out, least to say about church members/adherents and churchgoers.

    Know that you are not alone, some women who think their hubby is perfect and don't cheat only found out later in their lives that he was actually perfect enuff to conceal it well.

    WHY DO MEN CHEAT?
    -----------------------

    From my personal point of view, my interactions and my psychological levitation I will propound thus:

    1) VARIETY: according to Abraham Lincoln he said "Variety is the spice of life" men love variety. Imagine a man and a woman in a restaurant & thai, chinese, indian and korean meals are served a woman by instinct will rather stick to the chinese meal she's used to, but a man just want to try everything new even the indian meal.

    2) EGO: if his circle of friends do such, tendencies are rife he'll mos-def join. Men don't want to be seen as a weakling or a slacker.

    3) ALCOHOL: alcohol promotes illicit sex, if a man loves alcohol either minimally or maximally there's a 50-50 chance he'll cheat.

    4) GREED: we are all greedy ppl no matter how we see ourselves, but to what extent is ones greediness. Men are point blank greedy that's why you see that women rule better than men when it comes to politics?

    5) SOCIAL INFLUENCE: the things we see have a way of making us who we are, reasons why the bible warned "Guard ur heart with all diligence". Erotic music videos, semi-erotic movie scenes, provocative dresses by women and so on are some social influences that can tip-in the cheating lifestyle.

    6) WRONG MARRIAGE: if you marry out of pity, if you marry in a haste, if you marry to beat the biological clock, if you marry cos you want to prove a point you might end up marrying someone who won't respect you, someone who find you sexually unattractive, someone who is just out of place and hence a cheater.

    7) UPBRINGING: some men grew up seeing the really wrong tinz of life, some grew up in a failed system, some grew up with bad friends, some just don't have any form of moral calculation, how won't he cheat.

    8) Lastly, DEVIL: if the devil can test Jesus Christ, Job, David and many anointed men of God why can't he test you and me with a sexy babe: a woman is made in alluring perfection just enuff curve, beauty and seduction to sweep off just anyone. It takes SERIOUS GRACE to overcome!



    Nuff'Said

    Sori, I wrote too much, dint prove read, just incase!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ace, I dnt know what to make of you. Sometimes, like now, you sound very 'ultra' intelligent making correct sense, even quoting the bible and stuff. While other times, you sound like a jerk....sorry to call you that. It's such an interesting transformation to watch or read... I guess that's what you and Bonario have in common and dat's y you both can be such sweethearts. :-)

      Nice one!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/24/2013

      He's a jerk but when he notices that people are against him, he retracts his offensive comments.
      Na him way be dat

      Delete
    3. Anonymous5/24/2013

      The funny thing is that Ace is saying the truth and you Anonymous actually call him a jerk. He has given you a guy's point of view which many men, even real men (LOL), would agree with.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous5/24/2013

      Uncle Anon, you obviously didn't read Ace's first comment. If you did, you'd have understood the point I was trying to make. I said he retracts his previous posts once he sees that nobody agrees with him. So real man, "LOL" right back at you

      Delete
    5. Anonymous5/24/2013

      @ Anonymous 10.02 ...i think u r right #epic#

      Delete
  11. Anonymous5/24/2013

    My dear pls I beg u take good care of ur self and ur baby. man are born 2 cheating. they have a special place in heaven or hell with GOD. Jst leave a happy life with ur on born child.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Felicia5/24/2013

    @ Poster: never xpect any1 to make u happy (not even ur husband). U alone can decide and make urself a happy woman.

    Pls poster ans dis questions b4 u start crucifyin ur hubby:
    1) did d pregnancy change u a lot?
    2) Did u allow it affect u a sense of dressing sexy?
    3) Did u personally change 2 sum1 ur husband can't connect wit?
    I alwys advice women 2 check themselves, especially wen tins change @ home. Stop d blame first and search urself. Bcos we women usually believe we re too gud and close 2 perfect. Pls poster examine urself n search where u went wrong.
    MOST IMPORTANT DONT FORGET THE FRIEND WE VE IN JESUS. SO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Plizz for God's sake this is a very funny post coming from a woman... I just can't understand it when we make these kind of excuses for clearly lousy and irresponsible behaviour. I wonder if uv ever been pregnant or know the difficulties of first pregnancy on a woman's body... For a man to seek marriage must have been prepared for all the changes that come with marriage such as pregnancy etc. Sense of dressing sexy?? So the woman you vowed to love and cherish just few months ago is carrying ur baby and her not being /dressing"sexy" is a licence for you to cheat on her and justify your action or what? Smh## Very soon u will say she should kneel down and beg the man for pushing him outside by her unsexiness. !?? Am so disgusted.
      Poster pls PLS live ur life, pray to God and take the advice uve been given here. Try to make yourself happy. Laugh at ur phone and tv. Let him know u know what he's doing ur not a fool but life goes on. dont beg him or look moody. Only cry to ur God. When hes around clean ur face and be very happy. Don't let ANY BODY make u think it's ur fault cos IT'S NOT!!! We are all adults and responsible for the choices we make. He has made his own...Who cheats at just six months is a cheat period. Got nothing to do with you. God be with you.

      Delete
  13. POSTER5/24/2013

    I'm liking the advice, sympathy and honesty I am getting from you all. Such a welcoming change.
    @Felicia: as to the questions you asked above, without being patial to myself, I have 'upped my game' if you may since I got pregnant. I take special care of myself. I still hvnt added the dreaded pregancy weight or pimples etc. I take care of hygiene. He acts even more attracted to me since I got pregnant. However, I am questioning it all. How can you face me being Mr nice, loving guy and go behind my back and flirt, call and tell somebody else you miss them, etc? Life.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I just can't get over the 'men will always cheat' comments and it's so sad that a lot of women even already have this mindset.

    If all men were to be polygamous in nature God would have created Adam, Eve, Toyin, Amaka and Aisha to all be frolicking in Eden but he didn't so please stop insulting God abeg.

    Dear poster, I can only advise you to pray. Since you say you've spoken to him about it and he brushes it off, I don't want you to seem like you're nagging cause that might just push him further away.

    Take great care of yourself. Make sure you always look good, hair, makeup always on point. Have soooo much self confidence. Prepare amazing meals for him, most importantly, have a life without him. I read someone's comment about being on the internet to pass time and I totally agree. All this coupled with fervent prayer will definitely bring him back to you.

    All the very best

    ReplyDelete
  15. Like everyone has said,its time u stay focused n pray d girl off ur hubby.take extra care of urself n always remember dt God is always with u.It is well.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous5/24/2013

    Dear poster,i feel ur pain,just 6months? May God help us. U can pray that man out of d hands of those women. With ur mouth declare /speak to God,tell him that ur husband is a good man,nowoman can take him away from u. When he leaves u alone @ home,pray to God dat He shd set confusion between them, God shd make him so uncomfortable wen dey(women) come around him. Wenever he sits to talk or do anything with dem,he will see another thing and not d woman. If he even take dem to bed,holy ghost fire will burn that woman n send her running away, infact mosquitoes,cockroaches,lizards and even snake will bite dat woman n she'll never come close to ur man again. This is not a joking matter,my aunt used it n it worked. There is power in d tongue(spoken words). U don't need to kneel down or hv a particular time to pray,u can do it @ any time whether cooking,washing,working etc. Most importantly, pls take care of d little angel God has given u

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/24/2013

      Mosquitoes, cockroach, lizards? Lool. That sounds like som1 has been watchin too many Ishawuru Mount zion movies

      Delete
  17. Anonymous5/25/2013

    *laughing* so hard at mosquitoes,cockroach,lizards.pls add bed bugs and scorpion too *still laughing* i just love ds blog.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous5/25/2013

    Ahhhhhh, d mosquitoes,cockroaches thing wat tear my belly with laf. I love dis blog,so interesting.

    ReplyDelete

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