Is It Right For My Husband To Invite A Lady To The House Without My Knowledge?


Hi Aunty Eya!  I'd like to remain anonymous if you choose to post this.  I have a question for you.  Is it right for a man to invite a female friend over to his house and entertain said friend in said house without his wife's knowledge?  I'm bothered because said friend is a woman I've never met before. 

 She supposedly came into town from Abuja on a leisure trip and my hubby invited her over.  I didn't even know any such person was in Lagos.  My husband and I left the house together in the morning and at no time did he mention this visit.  Only later did I find out that he returned home a few hours later with this woman, had lunch and even watched a movie!  Matter of fact, I didn't even know this person exists and I'm not sure I believe she does. 

 I believe it's someone else and he's using his friend's sister as cover.  I can't imagine ANY man coming to visit in my hubby's absence and without his knowledge.  It just feels wrong.  Anything you have to hide from people is undoubtedly wrong.

So please dear aunty and readers, is it right for such a woman to be in my house without my knowledge and in my absence during the work day?

Comments

  1. I believe its absolutely wrong seeing that this lady even came in from a different town. He can't say he wasn't aware she's coming to town and he couldn't have given you a call even if it was impromptu.
    Its wrong in my opinion tho

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/03/2014

      I have a similar situation my husband invited a younger lady into r home while I was out of town and it was very late they were in bathing suits and I was never told I only found out because my husband Slippy his lippy

      Delete
  2. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Hell 2 d NO. Y will ur hubby invite anoda woman 2 ur house n not say a word abt it. I mean its nt like it wuz am impromptu visit. In my opinion d fact dat he hid it 4rm u means der might b sumtin goin on. Oma Baby.

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  3. Your hubby got it wrong this time, it's a big No from me, just bring it to his notice that you feel something is actually not right? By the way how did u find out sef?
    Just let him know u are not happy.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/23/2013

      Lol. No Inspector Gadget skills. The househelp mentioned it when I complained about the level of diesel left. I did ask casually and made it clear I didn't like it. That started WW3 with him insisting it's his house etc. This is the second time such has happened. The first was someone I know but I still didn't like it because it's during the work day! Why leave your sites to come home to entertain a friend you could easily see at night or over the weekend?!

      Delete
    2. Johnson5/23/2013

      @Poster - obviously hubby has an attitude that needs to be worked on. Just talk to your man.
      He might just be showing off to friends that he has arrived – your house must be very comfortable! And by the way, why are you the one talking about diesel for the genset with housemaid? No a good sign for him, especially before the housemaid…

      Delete
    3. @johnson, am in support of the diesel matter, that was how gate man was busy selling diesel, till I caught him. U wan try? I guessed she asked casually and the cookie crumbled.
      I have a strong feeling it's his person, and I strongly believe he is just been manly, u know how Oga's act a times, not wanting to take permission * that's how he would see it*
      I believe he can rent a hotel for as long as he wants and put her there comfortably without letting you know, just take it to be a casual visit like he makes it seem.
      Watch your back poster, God bless our families

      Delete
  4. Johnson5/23/2013

    We-men!!!! Why are you so bother about everything? Aunty Eya, I hope the various postings, and comments, are not making our women more suspicious of their husbands… These are recipes for high BP.
    Is it right for a husband to invite a lady home without the wife’s knowledge?
    1. How did you get to know? Probably he told you after the visit or somebody did amebo for you…
    2. Did he bring her home with the intention of concealing the visit?
    3. How would you have felt if he told you ‘sweetheart, Andy’s younger sister (you don’t know her) is in town and she might want to visit sometime this week’ Then you’ll begin to wonder ‘why is he telling me?’
    Men are not given to much talking… they will naturally share things they consider important with their wives… however, if they think the woman will be irrational in her decision, they might not say anything (not necessarily hiding it) – case of Abraham and Sarah when God asked that Isaac be offered as sacrifice.

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    1. Anonymous5/23/2013

      =)) The visit isn't the issue. Why couldn't this visit happen when I was home? We spoke throughout that day and he didn't mention being home or having a visitor. In fact he didn't mention it at all.

      Delete
    2. Johnson5/23/2013

      More details, please. How did you get to know and what is his excuse for not mentioning it?
      I am not trying to justify his action o… but I know that there might be more important issues being discussed when you got home and before you know it, one thing led to another…

      Delete
  5. @Johnson, I understand ur point of view. However, I will agree with u 100% if it will be ok by u and our men if ur wife shared ur point of view and brought a friend's brother (a man) home just the same way/circumstance which (Andy's Sister) was brought home. Me I know say my husband no go gree o! I must tell him if a guest is coming home.

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    1. Johnson5/23/2013

      @Nify, please read the poster previous response (@Anon4:28pm). I suspect there are other issues in this home... The man, in my opinion, is probably happy to show to old friends that he has moved up - level don change! That is the reason for bringing them home..

      Delete
  6. The thing is, our men set dos and don'ts (written and unwritten) yet they go about breaking the rules. It's like they are above the law or the rules just apply to the women only. They can roam wild when it suits them and of course, there will always be a "good reason". For me o! If u won't take it, don't do it to ur woman.

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    Replies
    1. Johnson5/23/2013

      If we don't set the dos and don'ts, humanity might get into trouble again - remember Adam & Eve. God has given men the responsibility to set the rules, but we need the women to help us not to break our own rules. Every woman should read the book "Power of the Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. We need your prayers to succeed...
      The devil knows that if he get the head, the whole body is gone...

      Delete
    2. @Johnson: u said u need the women to help u not to break the rules u set? How does that even make any sense? Just another way to blame a woman. Now to the issues here- tell me how this woman has made her husband bring the woman home and not tell her. Speaking from my home o, it is one of the unwritten rules that we won't bring visitors without teling the other person. It is not a thing of taking PERMISION, its about RESPECT!

      Delete
    3. I kind of agree with Nife on the respect thing. I think the only problem this Poster's hubby is having with her with regards to this situation of bringing in female guests whom she doesn't know behind her back and without letting her know is RESPECT.

      And for him to have said "Is it not my house"?? Wow! Just Wow!
      Would he find it okay if you were to bring a male guest he doesn't know about to the house without telling him because it is your house too? Makes no sense to me sha o.

      Except the poster is not such a friendly person and he knows she wouldn't want to entertain the guest, but even at that courtesy demands that you show her some form of respect.

      Don't nag him about this or quarrel with him about it. Just be calm, don't hit your head on the wall with "It's just wrong, who could she be and how many times will he keep doing this" questions. Try to talk calmly to him about it. Just act like you are eager to know this said friend as you missed an avenue to meet her when she came. Act like "Honey hope she didn't lack anything as I wasn't home to entertain her"? Blah blah blah. Then tell him that next time, you would want to feel like he shows you some form of respect at least by trying to mention it next time. That you believe he probably forgot, but he shouldn't next time.

      If he respects you, he will apologise, you both will set rules that respect both of you's co-ownership of the house and not try to do such things that over step the boundary again. But if he did it because he has somethings up his sleeves? Hmmm.

      Delete
  7. I agree with Johnson. Most men are not given to much talking. There are so many things you'd expect that a man tells his wife but most times they don't. Men are not like us that like to tell them every little thing whether they are paying attention or not.

    Before a man talks to his wife about an issue, he has weighed it, judged it himself looked at all the pros and cons before letting her know.
    There may not be anything going on between your husband and that lady. If your husband is a very busy man, he may have forgotten about that visit not until the lady called that she is in town. Again, it could be he didn't want to disturb you at work that's why he did not call to inform you.

    We take so many little things serioulsy and sometimes too seriously sef but men are not that way, they are MEN.

    He should have informed you about this visit but he didn't. It may be a mistake on his part, who doesn't make mistakes? That he did not infornm you does not mean there is anything going on between him and the lady. If he wanted to do anything naughty with her, trust me there are places to take her to that you won't even suspect. If he wanted to hide things from you, knowing you have a househelp at home, there is no way he'd have brought her home.

    He is an African man, he tells you it's his house, that is to say, his understanding may be that informing you is asking for permission from you.
    Rest your mind, except you want to tell him to be taking his guests and friends where no househelp will give you gist.

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    1. Aunty Eya, d poster said her n hubby spoke a few times on phone during the day and he still didn't think she deserves to know he'll b having a guest. He obviously wasn't that busy enough @ work that he could afford to take 2-4 hours to entertain a lady and watch a movie.
      Its not about him taking permission from his wife to entertain a guest (hell no) but its part of loving and respecting ur spouse. I don't think anything happened during d so called 'entertaining' time but she should have been informed.
      When 2 become 1 there shouldnt b all these 'its my house, u can't tell me what to do' b4 nko we kno d man is d HEAD but head shld give neck small respect coz na neck carry head.
      With due respect to Our mothers who put up with a lot from our fathers but it we too fold hands u follow our mothers keeping quiet attitude for peace sake then we'll have ourselves to blame eventually.

      Delete
    2. @Eya: u said two pilots at the same time can to lead to a crash, u forgot to add that one wrong pilot can also lead to a crash. U also made comparisons about our mothers but u forgot to add that our mothers suffered a lot of injustice that u can't endure-FACT O! and if they had to live again they will not endure the same suffering from our fathers - ANOTHER FACT O!!, u also forgot to add that our mothers took that much cos they feared the judgement of the society. U say men just don't talk too much and if he had anything to do with her he won't have brought her home! That's HEAVY CRAP! Eya! Why are u talking like this now! Listen! My father brought a woman home and slept with her in the guest room where my older cousin used to stay. This happened with me, sibblings plus house gel in the house and my mother lying in the hospital! Of course we told her and guess what my WC Readers! My father said it was his friend's younger sister who needed a place to spend the night. Till today my mother regrets the marriage and angry that she allowed herself to swallow so much. Eya abeg o!

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    3. Mrs Anon3/26/2014

      Ha! Na wa for some of the responses am seeing here o! In fact I weak. Perhaps am the only human here and the rest are spirits or angels....hmm. U bring a woman to ur matrimonial home sit and watch movies and don't tell your wife about it or even who she is and it's okay?? if for any reason the woman was the one who did this the same people supporting this will be the ones to castigate her for disrepecting her husband...Na real wa.

      Delete
  8. May I add again that women, this too much comparison we do now doesn't help matters at all. If our mothers did all that, there's no way they'd stay with our fathers till old age. Marriage is not all about vengeance and pay back or doing the things he does to prove a point.

    Yes we are their wives, they remain THE HEAD. We must know that submission sometimes can be difficult but wives submityourselves unto your dear husbands and let it not be that because his friends came over and drank so much beer, you too invite your friends to come over and drink so much beer to let him know that you are equals. No,
    Two Pilots controling at the same time can lead to a crash. While one is still incharge, the other can take a lil nap and apply some wisdom cos it is the principal thing.IMO o.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Johnson5/23/2013

      Aunty Eya, dank u wel!

      Delete
    2. Bislondy5/23/2013

      i really respect your wisdom Anty Eya, wish i could tap from it. God bless you always. #bighug#

      Delete
  9. Anonymous5/23/2013

    very true eya n johnson, @poster, i dont think he did the "undo-able" and if it bothers u, talk to him about it, SIMPLE! unless there are other things you've not told us sha...

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  10. Atleast he brought her home,if he had something to hide,he would have lodged her in a hotel,there's nothing much to worry about here. The only issue I see here is the level of communication between you and your husband,thats what u need to worry about.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/23/2013

      2 yeye children...

      Delete
    2. Spot off Bonario and Ace. Bringing her home doesnt mean he has nothing to hide. When i was in uni, i dated a guy who was married(he didnt tell me he was) and i was a regular visitor in his house. We even sleep on his matrimonial bed. So that point is off abeg.

      @ poster, i agree with Eya. I dont think what he did is far-fetched

      Delete
    3. Spot off Bonario and Ace. Bringing her home doesnt mean he has nothing to hide. When i was in uni, i dated a guy who was married(he didnt tell me he was) and i was a regular visitor in his house. We even sleep on his matrimonial bed. So that point is off abeg.

      @ poster, i agree with Eya. I dont think what he did is far-fetched

      Delete
  11. I think it depends on d dynamics of your marriage sha. Like Bona said,communication might be an issue for u guys.
    What I know to be acceptable is the husband informing wife dt they'll be having visitors, and its the wife that is considered as d ' hostess' in a family. So,if this has not being d norm in your home,then no wahala.
    If this should happen in my home,serious wahala go burst! Cos,even when hubby's male friends are coming,he informs me. How much more a lady?
    It is well with ur home.

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  12. No evil is perpetrated in the open, only mad men do such in public glare. To think that he's mad is an abberation.

    On a second thought and being on a safe side, try to be less snoopy, pay deaf ears to him and the suspect lady, somehow when he feels you're much more even with his entanglement he'll make mistakes that let him loose to the world to see and judge.

    Don't be hasty to conclude he's cheating, when u do such and he's not cheating that's somewhat a license to commence such.

    Be wise!

    Nuff'Said

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  13. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Its not abt cheating here,its abt respect,wat stops him 4rm saying'honey my friend Mary jst came in2 town nd she will be coming home 4 lunch'.when 2 becomes 1 there shld b notyn like its my house,its our home.talk 2 him abt it so that u guys shld always take decisions 2gerda

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  14. The following are facts/deductions that can be made:
    1. The man had been doing this – poster said this is not the first time.
    2. The housemaid is home when these ‘visits’ happen
    3. Hubby does not tell wife for whatever reason – obvious communication issue…
    Why won’t he tell her and why do the visits when she’s at work?
    1. Wants to show off to guest/friend in the absence of mama who is not so accommodating
    2. Home is close to office (site), which is not comfortable.
    @Poster – you need to let us know what his response was on reason for not informing you… Since this is a big issue, I would think you guyz should have discussed it.

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  15. Anonymous5/23/2013

    Dis blog eh, una fit cause person to suspect e husband! And for all d regulars in d house where do u guys find d time to comment on every post? Do u hv jobs? Like really? Ah ah!

    ReplyDelete
  16. @ poster: it must really hurt. My husband brought his staff to cook in my kitchen (there was rice 4 him 2 eat o)when I went to work. When I confronted him he threatned to deal wit me + he even beat me up 4 d first time. So my sister just ignore for now and talk abt it much later. Bcos sum man can't think rite

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  17. Poster5/24/2013

    Thanks for your comments everyone. I married late enough to know to pick my battles so I ignore a lot. We got married less than a yr ago but just got the househelp 3 weeks ago. @Johnson, once it's 7, security guards turn on the gen but the guy told me it was low and he would need to refill hence my complaint out loud about how quickly we finished 50 liters. That was why the househelp told me the gen was on during the day. We have very similar backgrounds and his parents are quite wealthy so there's nothing extraordinary to him about our house. His friends are all the same. We entertain regularly as I love to cook and I always have something in the fridge/freezer to serve on short notice. Because of my work hours, it's usually in the evenings or weekends. We've done this so many times since we moved in and they've ALL been his friends, male and female. It's the deception that bothers me. Deception by omission is still deception. He comes home during the day occasionally but I always know when he does. I have since confirmed that it wasn't his friend's sister and that he actually took her up to our room on a "tour". Whether or not he had good intentions, it reeks of disrespect to willfully bring a woman home and hide it. He called me throughout that day and I realise in retrospect that the days when I suspected something was off were days when he constantly called wanting to know where I was. I suspect that this has been a regular occurrence and I only found out because of the househelp. He had no response beyond he doesn't need permission etc and he walked out. And he just walked out. I'm hurt and angry because I do my utmost to be as honest as possible and I've never understood people who plot dishonesty. I don't want to see him in that light but I can't help but question him now.

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  18. Anonymous5/24/2013

    @ aunty eya in as much as u preach love,toleance etc in families pls I will always beg u to also stop letn women know esp. D unmarried ones reading dis blog dat its ok to accept anytin less than 100p trust a woman deserves. Now how will d poster ever trust her husband wen he continues calln durin d day she ll feel her man is up to somtin again little tins do matters u know and again I tink she has clarified d air.
    1. He neva even told her wen d visit was ova she was just lucky to have asked an innocent question dat led to sumtin else.
    2. And wen asked wat did he do?
    @ poster no one here is advising u negatively to cause any feud in ur home tins are happening and experiences are learnt to know wen to stand up and make tins right b4 tins get any worse.
    I do feel ur situation and can only advise u to make d right decision and plan to correct dis b4 d story changes. Goodluck on ur journey. MOMA

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  19. @Eya: u said two pilots at the same time can to lead to a crash, u forgot to add that one wrong pilot can also lead to a crash. U also made comparisons about our mothers but u forgot to add that our mothers suffered a lot of injustice that u can't endure-FACT O! and if they had to live again they will not endure the same suffering from our fathers - ANOTHER FACT O!!, u also forgot to add that our mothers took that much cos they feared the judgement of the society. U say men just don't talk too much and if he had anything to do with her he won't have brought her home! That's HEAVY CRAP! Eya! Why are u talking like this now! Listen! My father brought a woman home and slept with her in the guest room where my older cousin used to stay. This happened with me, sibblings plus house gel in the house and my mother lying in the hospital! Of course we told her and guess what my WC Readers! My father said it was his friend's younger sister who needed a place to spend the night. Till today my mother regrets the marriage and angry that she allowed herself to swallow so much. Eya abeg o!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I read all the 'at least he brought her home, if he had ulterior motives he wouldn't have done that' comments and I'm like what?
    Dear poster, I agree with you that it is totally disrespectful, I was thinking he called you all day to monitor you and make sure you wouldn't drop by the house unexpectedly and your last comment just proved me right.
    I can't imagine how hurt you must feel. Its bad enough that he sees someone else but in your home? your room? On a tour? Poster, please pray for your home, pray for your husband. I'm so sorry, like I always say, don't nag about it. Just be relaxed and calm. At least he knows you are aware now and I highly doubt that he'll bring a woman home again.
    Please just be patient... I'm glad you said you pick your battles. Be calm, and pray your husband back to you.
    All the very best

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  21. I showed ur post to my male colleagues and they all said its wrong. Both married and singles,that they are almost 100% sure he is cheating with her!
    The argument of hotel does not hold water,have u not heard where men will bring women home and sleep with them? Its psychological,to throw you off,that's exactly why he did it! He wants you to reason that,why bring her home when I could ve gone to an hotel?
    Don't live in denial! Pray strange women out of your marriage! I am assuring you that it works o. Dress well and be nice from now till kingdom come man wey go cheat go cheat!
    Plsssss pray hard. Good luck

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  22. Anonymous5/24/2013

    You're so right. The househelp opened up to me this morning and explained in detail. Apparently there was quite a bit of touching etc until the girl asked him to send the househelp away. She tried to call me to tell me to return to the house but couldn't get through. She then admitted that it's the 3rd time! At this point, I'm beyond words but I know for sure all is well. The God who revealed it will deal with it appropriately.

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    Replies
    1. Mrs Anon3/26/2014

      Aunt Eya, Johnson et al, where r u guys? Poster pele, it is well with you. God will give u wisdom. Woman instincts are never wrong. Men na wa for una. Next I will hear is that poster should check herself, it must be her fault that he's cheating, shes not sexy and bla bla. Don't let any one feed you with that rubbish. He chose to act this way and it's not your fault. We are all adults.

      Delete
  23. Any girl that knowingly messes with another woman's husband even having the audacity to come to her matrimonial home is another level of low. Why would any man want to hang around such a woman?

    Poster, no matter how difficult you find it, you cannot afford to loose your cool. Have you cried? Please find a private place where no one will hear and interfere and have a good cry. It’s the only way to relieve some of the build up of tension. Then you can focus on dealing with the situation at hand with a bit more clarity.
    It can be annoying that he is trying to "bulldoze" his way out of this by being defiant and saying it’s his house et al. My advice,

    Wake him up in the middle of the night and try to talk to him then, make sure you have prayed well. Chances are that even if he doesn't talk to you he would at least listen.

    Under no circumstance should you raise your voice or act emotional. A mistake women make at times like this is crying hoping he will see your hurt and melt. He probably won't because that would almost be like accepting he is wrong.

    Tell him you feel you guys should go for marriage counselling because you really believe in your marriage and will not back down and let *** come in between you. Even if he doesn't agree with you his reaction should give you some insight

    Resist the temptation to compare yourself to him by asking if you were the one to bring a visitor home would he like it? He would probably say it’s no big deal which will anger you the more.

    Suspend the conversation if it’s starts to get heated.

    Remember the aim is not to get him to "confess" to any wrong doing at this stage. He probably won't, not yet. You have to try to win him back to your side so that the stupid girl will continue to wane in his eyes. Be nice to him don't refuse to cook, take care of him and perform your wifely duties. You don’t want to give him reason to find comfort anywhere else.

    If you are sure he has been physically intimate with her try to be diplomatic and suggest you guys go for comprehensive medical check and stylishly include HIV and STD's tests there too. Some of these dirty girls sleep around like dogs.

    Tell yourself there is no competition here you are his wife in the sight of God and the Law. The super eagles don’t play against the falcons, a lion does not concern himself with the opinions of a sheep. She is nothing compared to you. You are better than her and therefore will not concern yourself with her, you will only work on making you and your husband tight again.

    Ultimately you know him better than anyone else. God will give you wisdom to tackle this situation.

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  24. Johnson5/24/2013

    The extra info provided helped to put all this into perspective… @Poster, your man does not have respect for your home – what a shame! What can you do? Lurvemj has some good suggestions… Your objective should be to win your man back – God is available to help (He is our very present help in time of need). Avoid situations that will give him excuse to be violent...

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    1. Anonymous5/24/2013

      Oga Johnson,when I read your comments yesterday I was surprised! I thought you of all people will see through this story and not trivialise it like others. You come across as a smart man. It was so obvious from her post that the man is cheating.
      All I know is that this lady needs to pray this pest away. It worked for me, my husband used to cheat but with serious prayers and fasting God brought an end to it all. Strip @ midnite and pray dear poster. Make sure you confess all sins of previous misdeeds,especially pertaining to causing another lady pain knowingly and unknowingly,then ask for forgiveness then approach the throne of grace with confidence! Do it with strong faith in ur heart and I'm sure you'll share ur testimony pretty soon dear.
      Its ONLY prayer that works. If u're a muslim,do d serious prayers u do. Pele,it is well.

      Delete
    2. Johnson5/24/2013

      @Anon4:48pm - only God is All-knowing. There was no intention to trivialize this issue (and any other for that matter). Decisions become better with the level of info available... On this matter, I was blind – now I see! One thing is certain; the scenario could have been the other way...
      I am an advocate of families staying together and the last thing, for me, would be to create situation that might aggravate tension in other people's home... Unfortunately, we are seeing more homes with faulty foundations that only God's intervention will bring about positive change.

      Delete

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