How Do I Advise My Husband?

Dear Eya,
Happy new month to you and our lovely blog family. I am so happy to be a part of this wonderful forum that never fails to make me laugh. I always
leave comments on your blog as anonymous because my job will not permit me  to put my name. Today I need help from other bloggers there.

My husband and I got married 7 years ago. The marriage is doing well considering that there is no relationship without challenges. Right from when I read on the blog that NO TWO MARRIAGES ARE THE SAME, I have ceased to compare my marriage with my friends' and that has made me a happier woman. Before marriage, we had a long distance relationship. He is good, a very pleasant person to be with, very sweet and easy going but there is one problem. My husband is very very stingy.

No one will know he doesn't really give that much to me because I have a great job which takes good care of everything. The problem I have with this stingy and self centered attitude of his is "His Parents"  In Africa, we are taught before marriage that a good wife tries to take her husband closer to his family and not further away from them. I was taught that it is my responsibility as a wife to give my husband good advice because men reason like babies sometimes.

The problem I have with him is his unwillingness to take my advice. Every time I try to give my husband a little advice concerning the way he treats his parents and even other people who are not close friends or who are poor, he tends to pick a quarrel with me. I have become so uncomfortable with trying to like, counsel him. I feel I should just turn my eyes the other way and mind my children. Before I think of talking with him, I have to go pray about it, rehearse in my mind with choice of words, I have to spend days thinking of how to keep my mouth and even my gestures to enable me have a successful conversation without him raising his voice and telling me that I compare him to other people. What ever I say when it comes to giving him advise concerning money, he turns it against me and tries to turn it into a quarrel.

What is making me very uncomfortable and ashamed of myself right now is that everyone around us feels like my husband doesn't take care of his aging parents and this makes me very uncomfortable because it's true. Most times I try to cover him up by doing things for them in his name but how far can I go when my own parents and siblings too are there looking up to me. 

We had four very good cars, recently, another car came in and I felt like it's high time we gave a car to his parents because while we live in luxury, his Dad is driving a very old car, his mother always has to wait for her husband to come back and give her the car before she goes out. I felt like giving them one car would enable them have two cars and ease their mobility problems (These are parents who are too proud to ask). I felt another car will enable his mother  keep their old car while his Dad drives the one from us. When I raised this matter with my husband two weeks ago, I have tried as much as possible to talk nicely yet he tried his best to turn it into a fight. I felt so embarrassed because I know the neighbors must have heard him screaming at me. He was so angry that I even brought that up.

He brought excuses why we need all those cars and when I told him that excuses will always be there but we can still do what we really want to do, he grew the more angry. He stopped talking to me. He always feels like I am never on his side because he doesn't like it when I talk to him about giving or caring for his parents.

Right now, we are living, Everyman OYO (On Your Own), it's been like two weeks now since that fight and he doesn't want to talk with me. When I try to be friendly, he is not bothered, he eats, drives off without even telling me where he is going. In the morning, after his breakfast, he just gets up, opens the door and off he goes to work without even a word. What can I do dear family? Should I just stop trying to give him advice because most times it doesn't work and then it creates problems for me? 

I need advice on how best to counsel him about giving. Especially, to parents who made him what he is today. How do I advise my husband? Please help!

Comments

  1. Anonymous5/02/2013

    In order to allow peace in your home, stop talking to him about the issue but rather pray for him for God to change his heart. Sparkle.

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    Replies
    1. I totally concur with your advice. Your secret weapon should be total love and prayer.
      I remember Stormie said in her book that It doesn't matter how wrong he is, once we have hatred towards the man God never understands coz He is incapacitated to help us by sin. I'll advice you put all behind, go apologize to him and take it up in prayer. Never ever mention it to him again, do the best you can for his parents, speak/pray the Word of God over him and the Holy Spirit will help you with patience and strength to conquer this challenge.
      You are such a good woman coz some ladies will say If this is the only challenge then I don't care, its his call.
      Good luck Ma'am

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  2. Anonymous5/02/2013

    Nothing you can do. These type of men r arrogant and never ready to change.

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  4. Anonymous5/02/2013

    I feel u. Those who don't know will lump you together with him and call u a selfish woman.

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  5. Stop talking to him about those issues. Talk to God abt it. After all the years of your marriage,if talks could change him,wouldn't it have?
    My husband is somehow like dt too,no dey like correction,though not stingy. No matter what u say,he won't change o! Only God can change him.
    You should just keep praying for him to see why he should be doing the right things.
    All the best.

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  6. Go to the Lord in PRAYERS. Pray and have faith and let God do the rest. Just PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens). Ask God and thank Him for the answers because clearly that looks like the only thing that can be done.

    But as you do that, don't try to suggest anything to him that will cause conflict. Just let God get him to that stage when he will be the one to say "sweetheart, I think I want to give my parents a new car" etc. Trust God.

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  7. Ehyaa.... It's not easy o. And you guys now have what? 5 cars? Too bad, people will totally call you both very stingy...but for now, forget what people will say. I hope you dnt bring what people will say as part of your argument cos that wnt help much. (Esp if it's like my hub who doesn't care what people say). Dnt he have siblings? Are they doing well too? Do they help out? Is he the first son? What was the relationship like between him and his parents? How did they raise him? Was he poor before? Did he struggle so much in life? (All these matter sometimes)

    From your story, you have tried your best. Just leave everything to God and pray. Now the kind of prayer you need is an earnest heartfelt continuous prayer.

    1. Look for scriptures on how people or prophets changed the heart of the king, heart of others, course of nature, performed miracles and even God's mind. Read about Elijah, Daniel, Esther, Moses, David, Solomon and so on. Read about the stories of how God brought down fire to burn Elijah's offering. How Solomon so impressed God, God had to visit. How Elijah prayed that it will not rain, then prayed that it rained. How Daniel prayed so much an Arch-angel came to fight for his answers.

    2. Fast. From food down to your phone. Put everything aside and focus on God.

    3. Speak in tongues cos it edifies you and builds your faith. You also speak mysteries and the Spirit prays on your behalf so you do not pray amiss.

    4. Pray in your understanding and tell God exactly what you want.

    5. Dnt stop praying until you get a clear definite answer from God that it is done.

    6. If you dnt get an answer after praying, repeat steps 1-5. Do not take no for an answer! That means don't let the devil bring fear and doubt into your heart. Hold on to God.

    7. Sew a seed on your husband's behalf. Sew a big seed and tell God it's for your husband to have a total positive change of heart even towards you ( cos me no likey that neighbors hearing him shout thingy)

    8. Now be patient. Keep being a good wife and dnt bring it up again. As you have taken it to God's court, be sure it is done and act that way. If he wakes up and doesn't greet you, greet him first and kiss him. Prepare special meals for him. When he wants to drive out angrily, wish him a nice day at work (whether that's where he is going to or not. Just make him feel his ploy to annoy you or make you suspect him, is not working)

    9. Talk to him... I mean gist with him like everything's fine. Even if he doesn't answer you. His conscience will finish him for you.

    10. Keep confessing and declaring positive, that he has a change of heart. Dnt call him stingy again. Call him a generous cheerful giver whose heart is in it. Do the little you can for hi parents (I know it's not easy but try)

    Put your mind at ease, meditate on God's word, take care of your kids and relax.... It is well in Jesus' Name...Amen!!!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/02/2013

      Biko wer did she get all that from? Abeg talk ur own

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    2. Anonymous5/02/2013

      @anony 9.13am, u that can quote bible why don't you, yeye person looking long for a way to anony person early momo

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    3. Ahdaisy is it the "big-ness" of the seed that matters? I thought that was what Jesus addressed with the woman who sowed just two coins and the others who gave "big". Isn't it the heart and the intentions that matter?

      I'm saying it just in case someone intends to do that. Even if it's only 5naira she has, it's the heart that matters and it will even be more acceptable than one who sowed 5million out of nothing. I think what Christ was trying to address there was "give me your all", not in the size or "big-ness" rather. #JustSaying.

      After all a mustard seed when planted isn't a "big seed".

      And for the "if you don't get an answer after praying, repeat....." part. I don't think that is necessary. All she needs is faith. It's not by how long she prays. And even when God answers she doesn't have to see the manifestation almost immediately. All she needs to know is that God has done it and she will see the manifestation in faith in God's time.

      Jesus said in Mark 11:23- 24,  I assure you that whoever tells this hill to get up and throw itself in the sea and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. For this reason I tell you: When you pray and ask for something, believe that you have received it, and you will be given whatever you ask for.

      Dear poster, meditate on this passage day and night and act on it.

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    4. vivian5/02/2013

      @Jay, 20 likes for YOU including my thumbs and toes.

      Delete
    5. POSTER5/02/2013

      @Ahdaisy, to answer your questions: His siblings are doing very well and they are the ones who have been taking care of their parents all this while. The car they are using that is old now was given them by his sister.

      He comes from a very comfortable family but suffered poverty for a very long time before getting a good job.

      His relationship with his father is not the type that I will call great, their conversations always end in arguments and sometimes not too sweet exchanges.

      Growing up was good for him. They actually tried their very best for him. Now that they are retired, isn't it proper to try and kind of pay them back for all the love by looking after them?

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    6. @ Jay, we are saying the same thing. The widow's mite had to do with ratio not size. So when I said, a big seed, I mean something big to her. David said I will not give to God that which cost me nothing. As you can see, I did not specify any amount so the 'big-ness' depends on her. I meant something that she will feel.

      Also, getting an answer from God has to do with her faith, not that God did not answer. Repeating those steps is so that she can have faith, beyond reasonable doubt that she has what she requested for. God already answered us even before we pray. We only pray to exercise our faith. Why did Daniel pray for 21 days? Why did Elijah pray earnestly? Why do people pray for days? Did God not hear the first time?

      So, my dear, length of prayer matters in some cases. That is why I said, the type of prayer she needs. There are different types of prayer. To change a man's heart, course of nature and so on, you need an earnest heartfelt continuous prayer.

      @Poster, wow, so obviously, the problem jst needs prayers and patience, since there is nothing in his past that might have impacted on him psychologically.

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    7. @Ahdaisy,how do u ask someone to speak in tongues like it's their choice??
      You yarn OFF point atimes...I just couldn't bring myself to insult you about the Tithe post.For someone that always has an opinion,learn to accept other people will have different opinions from you without being petty&insulting.I disagree with the crap u say a lot of times buT don't insult you.Learn to respect others too!!

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    8. Johnson5/02/2013

      God commands us to honour our parents – it is the first commandment with promise. The promise is in 2 folds - it will be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth (Eph 6:2-3). The reverse is also the case for those that do not obey... You will not sorrow ni oruko Jesu!
      @ Poster, please, PRAY, PRAY, & PRAY. Read Ps 86:1-8.
      Let me be quick to mention – God will be merciful and gracious based on your commitment and relationship with Him. Have you had a personal encounter with Jesus? He is able to turn this mess into a message!

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    9. A for Anonymous, why evils nah? Oya come and tak a hug and chin-chin.... :-)

      If I tell you to give 2 instances where I insulted someone for having an opinion different from mine, you can't. I only reply people who come to 'attack' me because of my opinion.

      I told her to speak in tongues and yes, it's by choice. If you want me to enlighten you more on speaking in tongues, ask kindly and I'll oblige. No dey vex like this again, e hear?

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    10. Ahdaisy, note worthy, the prayer won't be answered because of the "LENGHT" but because of her "FAITH" nonetheless.

      You said "if she DOESN'T receive an answer, repeat those steps". That is a doubt on her part already if she chooses to do that. Is she timing when she will see an answer? What if she's waiting for an instant manifestation with that method and starts repeating the "asking process" and God is like "my child, I answered you already". My point is that, the fact it hasn't manifested instantly doesn't mean it hasn't been answered. What guarantees it is her faith and what she keeps confessing. Not the length, but praying without "a doubt". By thinking that she hasn't been answered introduces "a doubt".

      My dear, Mark 11:24 settles it all. The main point is faith. Thanksgiving is another form of prayer with a whole lot of faith :-)

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    11. Fehintoluwa5/02/2013

      Ahdaisy pls how can I get ur contact? ur such a wonderful lady, and have become a mentor in a way to me. really appreciate u.

      Delete
    12. @ Jay, I totally get your point but I still feel we are saying the same thing, only different angles. Cos I totally agree with you. Faith is what she needs but IF she does not get that faith conviction after praying, she can repeat the steps again. Now, the answer I want her to get is this..

      1. The way to go about the situation
      2. An conviction in her heart that it is done.

      To me, prayer is a two-way communication, and if I dnt hear God clearly, I haven't finished praying. Not that God didnt speak, but the 'noises' of life might have prevented me from hearing. That's why I added fasting. Sometimes we pray for something and dnt wait for an answer, then we go back the next day and pray...and the cycle continues. This is what many of us do, and we feel our prayer did jot work. We must get a clear answer from God on the way forward. God wants to speak to us all the time and it is so wonderful when you can discuss with God like He is in front of you.

      So Jay, we are on the same page. I think I did not explain myself well.

      @ Fehintoluwa, thanks...*grinning from ear to ear* My e-mail is ada_jayde@yahoo.com. Send me a mail and I'll add you on fb or something. Takia. :-)

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    13. I understand some of what you mean. But I will just chip in something. The ways of man aren't the ways of God. We don't know it all. All we need to know and we need to do is in God's word (The Bible). Try and make your stances based more on the word than on logical reasoning as a human being. It will save a lot of "God didn't answer" heart aches. Just my 2 cents sha.

      God talked about Faith not about "Faith conviction". Do you have faith because of a "conviction" or because of God's word? Faith comes by hearing God's word and not any conviction. Heb 11: 6 says " No one can please God without faith, for whoever comes to God must have faith that God exists and rewards those who seek him". This means you would approach God in faith, not the other way round of "expecting a faith conviction after praying".

      My 2 cents sha. Na so I take see am.

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    14. A isn't for Anon silly,your very 1st comment to Monique was stupid,childish&uncalled for...I repeat-for someone that always has an opinion,u need to know that some people's opinion will be different from yours.Monique sent her opinion on Tithing to Eya&you chose to attack her with your filthy wordsm
      Speakin in tongues is a gift of the holy spirit not a "choice" thing stupid so keep your obviously IGNORANT opinions about that to your clueless self

      Delete
    15. Anonymous5/02/2013

      Am not surprised at madam ahdaisy, from her manner of speaking it shows she attends christ embassy church, that's how dey teach,repeating the steps you gave the poster won't give her faith, faith simply means saying a word of prayer and believing it to be so, na wah for sowing big seed oo and speaking in tongues with the holy spirit praying with you, dear madam poster dis is my widow's mite, everyone has said pray,stand upon the word of God, even if u can't speak in tongue God hears u,after praying, have faith, dts believe solely in you heart that God has heard and he will do it, don't also forget to thank and praise him for answering ur prayers even if u r yet to receive that faith in action

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  8. Urch-Gal5/02/2013

    This is accutally d 1st time am commenting bt I hv been enjoying dis blog everyday am so addicted to it now as far as I can say its d best blog. Back to u ma,pray dt God shld do d changing most times we ladies want our husband to change bt if d Holyspirit is not @ work in dem dey will not change buy dis book The Power of a Praying wife,use it everyday,maybe he has a past history wt helping ppl or his parents dt is still hurting him.I wish u happiness in ur home. I LOVE THIS FAMILY(Blog)

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  9. IMAGINE THE CONCORBILITY: Different strokes!
    If I had a wife like you, I'll ask for nothing more. Your husband doesn't know he is very lucky.
    My wife will frown and keep a long face whenever she sees me giving to my family. Wish I met you earlier!!!
    #Nuff Said

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/02/2013

      Ken, how many times did I call you? Thou shall not LUST.

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  10. I think you should do the little u can for his parents just little gestures and gifts from you may really make them feel more appreciated, u can even get them gifts and say its from you and your husband. Maybe when they keep thanking him for gifts he knows nothing about he may start to feel something stir inside him (everyone loves to be appreciated). Like most people also suggested pray for him always cos only God can truly change the heart of any man. Just try not to nag him about it anymore, give it a rest and just let time do the rest. Best of luck!

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  11. Despite the fact that the truth is always bitter, once said, its the best remedy for an ageing ailment. Would you like your parents-in-law to die suffering for something you could avert?
    If you'd ask me, i'll say, let him continue sulking. The truth must be let out!
    If he wants to keep malice, fine! But you should continue talking to him, the malice is his problem and not yours abeg. When he starts talking to you again bring up the topic again because it's the truth. The Bible says, take care of your parents and respect them even when age fails them. I understand you dear, even though I am not married yet, I have been close friends of stingy guys and I know how you feel.
    Take care and share the progress of the journey with us. God bless.

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  12. Anonymous5/02/2013

    I love this blog ooh, i also started reading it not too long ago!! but the stories and responses are cool, even tho we tend to disagree at times.
    and i noticed somthing on this issue, my anti-prayer pple ddnt render no advice today :), so i guess this is one thing that prayer seem to be the only option(so nobody would tag us as overly suggesting prayers.
    @ my dear poster, u heard all the good advice and i must commend u as a ggood wife.
    God bless and it is well with your situation.

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  13. Anonymous5/02/2013

    Pray but biko keep talking.

    If necessary give some things up till sth happens

    Give to them and make he is aware


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  14. Anonymous5/02/2013

    I salute u for ur kind gestures towards your in-laws, you are a good woman. Keeping talking to God. The bible says, the King's heart is in the hand of Lord, as the rivers of water; he turneth it wherever He will. (Prov 21:1) Also remember the story of Esther when she wanted to talk to the King about her people, she prayed and fasted and she found favour. Apologise to him and avoid anything that can result into malice. God will surely touch his heart.

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  15. Na wa Ooº°˚˚°º, ve comments started being sensored now cos my comment wasn't posted and e pain me gaaahhn

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/02/2013

      May have been spammed

      Delete
  16. Anonymous5/03/2013

    Madam abeg drive one of those cars to his parents. Put a big red bow on it and hand them the keys that it's from their son. He might be angry but he will thank you from his heart. Make sure his mom is around too when you arrive.

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  17. Anonymous5/03/2013

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, madam u said he suffered before he starting making money abi? Jus b very observant sha, cos we av ad cases where pple who are stingy like ur hubby, happen to b ritualist, and may have been commanded by d occults not to render any assistance to family members. Dis aint a nollywood movie, its been happening, jus make God ur best companion.

    And where is bonario o.

    Captain mary.

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  18. Anonymous5/03/2013

    It's tricky. There may be underlying issues between your husband and his family that he can never ever tell you. My mum and I have a serious on-going issue but my husband thinks she's the best ever and wonders why I'm not closer to her. Will I now tell him and destroy their relationship. I just fence him and tell him to let me be. The wonderful parents you see may have a serious strike against them. If I were to tell my husband some of the things my mother has done, he'll probably ban her from our house. That bad. So respect his views and pray about it.

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  19. Halima..5/04/2013

    Speaking in tongues is like taking a plane to your destination as against trekking or using the Bus.. Wud u rather trek or use to plane? You shall receive POWER when the HolySpirit comes upon us which means there is a power available 2 all born again christians but ACCESSIBLE ONLY to those whom he has come upon. Earnestly desire him and in faith pray in the Holy Ghost! Not 4 me or Ah daisy but 4 urself.. Ah daisy has said nothing that should seriously offend anyone.. The widows offering was all she had and was her best/biggest.. Wen we hear of sowing big, we start calculating thousands and millions in our mind and dats y we get offended so easily wen it comes up.. No one said u MUST sow money cos it will be useless if u're one money means nothing to.. What matters most is how much worth and value what you're sowing is to you.. We need to learn God's principles.. In all your getting, get Understanding bcos God's people perish 4 lack of Knowledge.. Its not dat complicated..
    Dear POSTER, u don't have any problem cos u alrdy have a solution! Persist in the place of prayer.. EFFECTUAL, FERVENT prayer of God's righteous, makes TREMENDOUS power available.. Please understand this scripture and the words used.. Pray without CEASING(which means continuous)..

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