Finding It Difficult To Let Go

Hello aunty Eya,I read a post tonight on WC from Folashade about letting go and her dad, and I felt assured to share my story. My story is kind of similar.
We are 5 children from my parents and when I was 8, my mother left Nigeria for

greener pastures as things were really tough for us. My mum continually sent money for fees, feeding and rent for the family but my father never used the money wisely as I was almost always out of school for not paying fees. My 3 older sisters were in uni and boarding school so I had to grow up fast. 

The hard part of it was me waking up to take bathing water to my dad's bathroom and find different women in his bed on different occasions. We were the talk of the area coz we bought food on credit and people were always coming to fight and ask for money we owed them. 

My mum did everything she could, she sent capital for my dad to start a business and sent the materials but he sold them all and spent the money on women. Eventually my mum got wise and always sent extras to my eldest sister who made sure we never lacked. My mum visited a few times and he pretended we were a happy family. Eventually we all left Nigeria and joined my mum.

All my dad's actions affected my childhood and psychologically still does up till now that I am married to a wonderful man with 2 kids I still have that 10% doubt that things can go pear shaped in my marriage. 


We've left Nigeria for 13years now and I still don't really like my dad, even since we relocated he has continued his dirty cheating, selfish ways. Despite him working and earning well my mum still takes care of most of the financial responsibilities because he cannot be bothered.

My dad is on Facebook and just before last Xmas my younger brother who has access to my dads fb account brought to our notice dirty chats he has been having with ladies younger than me that we went to d same secondary school. He is such a mugu that he sends them money, latest phones and even gave them the address of where he just built a house and has pre-planned meetings with them as he is planning to travel soon. 


We've all logged into in fb account and can confirm this. My older sisters confronted him n he denied it and also accused my mum of turning us against him.

Last mother's day I went with my kids to my parents to spend time with my mum and my dad opened the door and started cursing me saying I am ganging up with my sisters. I got upset and started reminding him of things I had bottled up since childhood and he started throwing hefty dining table chairs at me and anything he could lay his hands on (I was in my 1st trimester of pregnancy). 


My kids were crying as they've never seen their granddad go mad. My mum rushed downstairs from hearing all these and tried to stop him but he pushed her away a few times and I was asked to leave but he won't give me my bunch of keys which had my house keys and car keys. My mum called d police in confusion and when they arrived I told them I'm not pressing any charges and all I want is my keys. I got my keys n left and the already awkward relationship between me and him got worse.

He has stopped talking to all his 5 kids and my siblings are worried he is looking sick, lean, ageing and pale. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 then had chemotherapy and about 8months later he was given the all clear. 


We are also very worried about my mum coz she is innocent in all these and has been a victim of a suffering marriage for most of her adult life. They live like strangers in the house and only communicate when necessary for many years until now. We think she appears to be strong for us but it affects her as well.

The issue now is my sisters want him to settle things by having a family meeting and each of us saying how we feel but my dad that I know too well will never admit he has done wrong and it will turn to him cursing us like little kids.


 The bible says we should honour our and obey our parents so that our days might be long but the same bible says 'fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in d discipline and instructions of the Lord'. 

Sorry I forgot to mention that my dad is in his late 60's and for someone who God gave a 2nd chance in life from cancer you'll think he'll appreciate life more and will want to be close to his family in case anything happens to him. I've never known my dad to attend church, pray or even say anything about God. Lastly I've heard people who wished they settled things with a loved one before they passed, one part of me doesn't want to live with that kind of guilt if such happens and another part says I cannot be bothered because I won't miss him.

To be honest if he drops dead today I won't miss him. My mother means the world to me and I am really confused on how we should all move forward. out of 5 of us only 2 are willing to have this meeting and neither does my mum want the meeting. Any ideas please WC fam? Sorry for the very long mail.

Comments

  1. I haven't been so moved in a long while. Dear God please give me the strength and courage to forgive and let go completely. My father that never treated me like his child, my step father that showed favoritism and never liked nor gave to me, my own very dear husband that treats me like a second class citizen because I don't earn much.

    I am actually crying because because I never wanted to remember any of these stuff again. I forgive tham but do not know how to forget what has caused me so much pain in life.
    It is well.

    @poster, you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So much sadness in this world! :'( This brought tears to my eyes. It is well with u my dear. God be with u. #hugs

      Delete
    2. sister5/14/2013

      Maria God Almighty will wipe your tears,you shall sing a new song. I can't continue so sad but I know that Jehovah will put a new testimony in your way.stay blessed

      Delete
    3. Anonymous5/14/2013

      'Sister', so you know God and you have so much hatred in your life like this. Hmmmm, someone is suffering from personality disorder.

      Delete
    4. Ace Boo5/14/2013

      @anon I'm amazed too, honestly! @sister, u need to apologise to all the people u ve hurt verbally on this blog. Life is too short to be hating on people whether u know them or u don't know dem *movement*

      Delete
    5. Anonymous5/15/2013

      seriously im begginin to think the same thing oo @anon9.07.. omo sister is suffering from MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER......ZYNY

      Delete
  2. @Poster, firstly, like you've admitted that you are ready to forgive him, plz do that to the later!

    Walk up to him and just say some nice words that'll move him, tell him you love him and you thank him for bringing you to this world!

    You see, hate cannot continue to thrive in our heart, it creates holes there, and with such holes ur heart just leaks. Every good thing that comes in would just sieve out!

    Too bad that his way of life is now extended to even his grand kids to see.
    In all, remember God has a reason for it all happened this way.

    Remember you ain't alone and whatever you've experience through ur dad is just little to what some experienced.
    talk to ur siblings bout the meeting, all will be well!


    Nuff'Said!

    ReplyDelete
  3. captain mary5/14/2013

    My dad had same misunderstanding wit his dad, it was all bitterness, when my grand dad died, I saw another side to my dad, for the first time my dad cried when his dad was being laid to rest. He still regrets not making amends wit his dad before going to the great beyond. The story long Jare.

    Pls dear poster, pls and pls, try to make peace wit your dad, get him sum gifts, go along wit his grand children and ur other siblings to make amends. Be kind to him, still give him that respect you think your dad still deserves OK?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I loved my dad but along d line,we fell out.I did everything I could but he never bulged.the week he arranged for us to meet via my mum,he went into coma nd died 10days later...I miss him and I wish I tried harder to make things work.@poster;you have opportunity now to make up with him.please do,no matter what he did or does.its your responsibility to bring inner peace to yourself...I surely do know this bothers you...time nd death waits for no one...cheers!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I loved my dad but along d line,we fell out.I did everything I could but he never bulged.the week he arranged for us to meet via my mum,he went into coma nd died 10days later...I miss him and I wish I tried harder to make things work.@poster;you have opportunity now to make up with him.please do,no matter what he did or does.its your responsibility to bring inner peace to yourself...I surely do know this bothers you...time nd death waits for no one...cheers!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous5/14/2013

    I don't hate my dad,I have wanted to write something like this for long,am so happy someone brought this up,I try to ignore him,he is so alone in his world right now,when we were young,when we see my dad coming and we are watching a movie in the living room,as soon as we hear his car coming we will run inside our rooms,he doesn't have love for his kids or grand kids,he talks to anyone and every one about how my mum isn't good enough,his friends are even tired,my dad will get yams,rice,cassava back then,but will not know how they turn to food,he only comes weekend,now he is retired,my mum works,so she buys all the foodstuffs,pay all the bills,he still say she isn't trying,back then when we ask my dad for any thing and he tells us to get lost,may be school fees,when we are crying,my mum will call us to a side and give us the money,she is an angel,my dad got a second chance with life too,my elder brother did every thing he could,took him to one of the most expensive hospital him Lagos,every one tried all they could,at the end when he got well,he said we tried to kill him,that the doctors gave him bad drugs,abeg the story long,presently am the only one in Nigeria with my parents,my dad is in his late 60s,my mum is in her late 50s,yet he feel she is cheating on him,for her to even go and see her sick sister,she has to beg me to follow her,cos if she go alone,my dad will say she is goin to see a man,at old age he is still wickard.

    ReplyDelete
  7. FolaShade!5/14/2013

    Sweetheart, letting go has never being easy, especially when it has to do with people we love so much or who are meant to protect us. If WE don’t forgive those who hurt you, why should WE expect God to forgive us? Remember, the Lord’s Prayer which says ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us’.
    Be the one to take the first step, pray about it like you have never prayed before. When we pray for people who hurt us, the burden becomes lighter as God takes control. I can bet your dad has a void in his heart only his children can fill. No one knows what he is up against but God. Please go to him, plead with him (irrespective of who is wrong, remember he is still your dad) and speak with your siblings as well.
    Trust me; you will feel better doing this..
    Hugs…
    FolaShade!

    ReplyDelete
  8. may the lord give you the grace to forgive and let go, cast all your burden on the lord, let him take away all the hurt and wound. pls pray for your dad, his salvation and liberation of his soul. i will put you in prayers okay. its well. before this family meeting, keep praying for your dad pls.

    ReplyDelete
  9. POSTER5/14/2013

    Thank you everyone for your input. I feel some weight has been lifted off my chest. We are going ahead with the meeting although no date has been set yet. I pray this is all settled IJN.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/14/2013

      Amen!
      Ethel

      Delete
  10. AMEN.....GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE GRACE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET........GOD WILL REUNITE AND BRING YOUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER AS ONE.

    ReplyDelete

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