An Emergency From #Ikorodu Lady

Good morning Aunt Eya...please kindly post this for me as I would need advice from the family.
Please am sure you are a bit familiar with my story (#ikorodu lady) - BTW my hubby is still intent on building the house before July and is planning towards it except that so far he hasn't gotten the necessary funding as at now.


I have an issue now that needs immediate advice. You know I told you

guys that I have since stopped working after I gave birth and my son will be 2 in July. I have borne all humiliation and whatnots with huge emotional abuse but thank God I am still sane from it all.

I have been trying to get another job for a long time but to no avail.. but last week.. My sister sent me a vacancy advert (she normally does) and I answered it...only to get a call barely 24 hrs later from a lady. She said they had finished collating all applications.. And even shortlisted to know who they would hire.. but when she saw my application that morning.. She felt she should call me that she thinks I'm best suited for the job and she practically offered me the job right there on a Saturday evening.


The workplace is in Ikoyi.. and the hours are long cos I was told it's a new start up.. though it's a bit less than what I was earning before but under the current circumstances...I really can't argue with that.. as I have no earning power and nobody is giving me any money.


I told my hubby that evening and while he wasn't looking excited or jumping up and down.. He said since I have been looking for a job since.. it's ok  And he didn't talk about it again as you would expect a spouse to really be interested and generally converse on it.


I later told my mum and sister that evening and my mum offered to take care of my son.. Since she is retiring next month and barely even goes to work now (Gov't work).. So she wants the boy to come and stay with her till anytime I am balanced and ready to take him back .. So I can start work with less stress. There are good schools around there and she is mobile ..That even is just for a school term as he is in the pre - reception and he is already familiar with my siblings in the house.


The problem is I know fully well that my hubby will never agree.. I couldn't even muster the courage to suggest it...so the following  day I asked him about when we are going to do it...and he acted as if he had no clue that things may change cos I won't be able to go and pick our son to and from school. He just told me let's wait and see. And I have a week to resume. I told him the new job is an online thing so.. maybe with time it will ease up. But when he didn't say anything.. I called an aunt of mine to help me talk to him whether he could allow our son stay with my mum in the meantime. He refused and told my aunt that he will be picking the boy from school.


 ...this would mean changing the boy's school from home area to work area which will be very expensive... Sometimes he works late.. And what will happen to my son when he does.... Then cos of where we stay.. You have to drive like a maniac and most times drive one way in order to beat traffic.. Sometimes with LASTMA waiting to throw stones at your car..even when I am there I try to caution him cos he's a very impatient driver and I know my mind will not be at rest with only my son with him at those times.

Even when he gets home, he will be too stressed to take care of him because he will get home before I will and he is short tempered.

After some days he will complain and act it out. And the quarrels will start.. It has happened before. And we have the eviction ticking on...with the house he is planning to build..infact where he is planning to build it.there is still no public transport running right through to there..so I don't even know how I will get back home from work assuming I will go with him in the morning. He knows all these but he is not considering it.

Now, do I give up this job and continue to stay home... (There is no money for business..unless I want to do 'wosi wosi') or...really I don't know what other option that is out there for me..and I have to give the lady my answer now.so that at least I won't delay their recruitment process.


Aunt Eya..I'm sorry my story is so long..pls bear with me.
Thank you so much for everything...your blog has helped me in numerous ways.

Dear loving family, kindly advise me on what to do...

Eya: In case you missed her first post, read it HERE and please remember to return and leave her your comment.

Comments

  1. brandy5/06/2013

    Hey dear I feel 4 u bt don't jus kno. I feel d only option is to liv d job n face ur child. Cos wit d job u ll face more psychological problems.ur hubby,child n d house entirly. My advice is jus chile for d main time n manage wit wot ur hubby give,I kno is hard bt is harder wen ur family tear apart. Pray always Good luck dear

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    Replies
    1. I read all of this b4 I read the previous..

      Babe, mbok take dat job...hubby will change when Ʊ r on ur feet again.

      Take d job no matter how little they pay Ʊ..

      Take ferry 2 n from work....

      Keep ur baby @ a day care....

      Be happy and bubbly again...

      Buy him gifts and most of all pray more...
      If possible go into fasting..3days white fasting and commit it all 2 God... He met Ʊ as a working lady and was attracted 2 d happy woman Ʊ were....

      He will come around again when he sees what attracted him in d 1st place again...

      Staying @ home would be depressing esp when Ʊ let dis job go....

      Pray 4 God 2 also let Ʊ find favour @ work and I believe he has started doing that already 4 Ʊ 2 b employed without an interview....
      Things will work out.

      Do not sit at home without even showing up and concluding dat it will not work out.

      No matter how little, do something.

      Ur husband has a heart that's why he never said Ʊ should not take d job, that's y he also agreed 2 pick up his son...


      Believe in ur self and ur God...
      Let provb 31 guide Ʊ...Ʊ r a virtous woman....Ʊ can be one...

      I wil join Ʊ in prayers too...the Lord is your strenght.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/07/2013

      Has anyone thought of offering prayers as an advice? In all of this all I'm reading is "don't take the job" "stay @ home" and all that. The poster was the same person who came here to vent her frustration about being bullied, jobless and pennyless yet u guys r still advising she holds on. For me I think this is an answered prayer to all her problems o. Imagine being the last person to apply for the job and being offered employment almost immediately don't you think God is telling you smthg? Dear @poster, pls go on ur knees and do a 2 day dry fasting telling God EXACTLY what u want him to do fo u. Remember the heart of the king is in his hand and ur hubby is just child's play in God's hand. Ud b surprised @ the turn of events in a day or less after your prayers. Ur hubby will surprsingy ask you to take ur son to ur mum or profer another solution sef plus instead of moving to ikorodu or further inside, God will make an easier way. Its bcs u r @ home jobless n all that ur hubby is lording over you. Take the job my sister. Pray n believe and it wull come to pass. M happy Mrs Dayo said all marriages are not the same and yours might not get worse than this. At the end of it all, I wish u the very best.

      PS: fo those that always say we make all our problems religious in Nigeria n al special reference to @Ace, if our only solution is God n he we see results each time we go to him, y not if not?

      Inobi

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  2. candid diva5/06/2013

    Since I read ur story d 1st time,I feel so sorry 4 u. I don't realy know wat 2 say. But 4m wat u said now,if u tak dt job,it might b d final straw 2 break ur marriage.
    Ur man might giv u hell o. Why r u even considering options u no he will not take? Unless u want 2 do it n damn d consequences.
    I'm sure wise peeps here wil giv better advice.
    Pele,shogbo?

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  3. Mrs Dayo5/06/2013

    Is it possible I wrote this in my dream and sent to Eya before waking up?
    Lady, you just described my husband completely!!!

    I had to give up working while kids are growing up but before then, I sat down in front of a mirror and gave myself a lecture.
    1. I told myself to forget about fashion and face my kids.
    2. I told myself to change my lifestyle and go with whatever I find
    3. I told myself no sewing of anything new for one year.
    I told myself again, do anything to avoid spending all of the very little that enters your hand.
    5. I started doing my kids hair myself, and cutting the boy's own with my scissors.
    6. I cut my own hair and went on low cut to save the money I always spend at Salons.
    I cut down greatly on cosmetics cos I told myself, since I won't be working in a long while and will be at home, I can look good at home without going all out to spend on cosmetics, I simplified my life in a shocking way.
    7. I cut down on events cos they will need me making new outfits to impress.
    8. I made it a point of duty to visit the market only once a week and manage to leave every need that comes up till the next weekend.
    9. Low cut doesn't suit me that much so what I did was to enhance it with a blow out and some brown color. You won't believe it became so chic that young ladies copied.

    This year I plan to get a job again after a long while. This is because my last boy is leaving in September and I guess I can now do something with my life.
    My husband wouldn't subscribe to househelp and won't scratch his head one bit to help so I found my own way to cope.

    ***Considering my circumstances, Simplifying my life is the only thing that helped me scale through. I think sacrificing all these years would have been hell if I did not decide to drastically simplify my life. It all depends on the mind!!!

    Taking the job will put money in your hand and greatly increase the stress in your life.
    Rejecting the job will leave you poor and miserable if you do not drastically simplify and trust God to see you through. After accepting that job, you may not last long because another pregnancy will come and the cycle begins again. If u guys plan on having one child, then the cycle won't repeat itself.

    I won't advise any woman to stay without a job, especially when your husband hates to give you. I think I am the only woman that can cope. I know how to adjust and adapt to any situation without the next person knowing what I'm going through.

    Think about money with a lot of stress and unhappiness, especially when you finally move and in the case of another pregnancy
    Think about no much money with rest of mind and avoidable misery if you can simplify.

    #NuffSaid

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    1. *Standing Ovation* Mrs Dayo, please, I am your new follower... :-)

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    2. Wonderful. you are a strong woman. what women go through in the name of marriage!!! God help me that is still single to make the right choice o. i don't think i can go through all these.
      I don't even know what to tell the poster. i'm short of words. I'll say a word of prayer for you. *confused*

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    3. Mrs Dayo5/06/2013

      Thank you Ahdaisy

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    4. Mrs Dayo5/06/2013

      @Nekky, don't forget Eya likes to tell us that NO TWO MARRIAGES ARE THE SAME.
      The fact that I needed to simplify to be able to cope doesn't mean yours will be that way. Even identical twins do not have the same experiences at marriage.

      Every body's relationship and marriage is different and Never you say "I can't" Everything is in the mind. There is no I can't when the mind is willing. Just know that every marriage is different and it will continue to be that way. Another women in my situation may chose to divorce the callous husband and go her way, another will look for other ways to survive just like I did. It all depends on THE MIND.

      Do you know that even my kids will have different experiences when their time comes? It can't be like ours. That is life. That one suffered lack and want doesn't guarantee others will suffer same.
      #NuffSaid

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    5. @ Miss Dayo, I feel that to an extent, every woman should be able to take some lessons from you. I mean, my life is not as complicated as hers(poster), but I still try to manage myself. In fact if I have a friend that is always showing me that she buys the latest this and that, shops all the time, her husband gives her this and that, I just jejely cut the person off. Cos some people can even come and intimidate you in your own house where you are managing yourself. Lol

      That's why it's good for ladies to know how to do some things for themselves. If I see a dress in a boutique that I can't afford, I just note the fabric and copy the style. I go to the market, buy the fabric or something close, sew it or something similar for myself and I'm good to go! I no dey chop label!

      Delete
  4. You must be a very intelligent lady, the kind of staff any employer would want to have.
    If I had a branch at Ikorodu, would have offered you a job.
    I like the way you write!

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  5. Wow, this is very hard o...and as a woman who likes her own money, I dnt even know what to tell you. :-( . but as others said, I'll advice you to weigh your options very well. Job or family. In ur case one has to suffer. Which one are you willing to sacrifice?

    Still pray hard sha. Probably invite family members to go and beg him.

    No wonder my husband does not agree for one to leave a job to take care of kids, except the job is very demanding cos he says once you stop, to get back in can be very difficult. I pray you make the right choice sha. Really feel for you. :-(

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    Replies
    1. Pls sorry to be off post o. No vex. But pls, for the soya bean powder, after washing the beans, the poster said we should let it dry first before frying. Is it dry totally or just remove excess water? Pls, I want to make it today cos after today no time again and I cant use my blender.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/06/2013

      You need to dry it very well o

      Delete
  6. I dnt evn knw wht 2 say. It seems in dis marriage tin, whteva oga @ d top says is final. Hmmm. Y wld a man dt luvs u nt seek 2 help u ease tins. I duno wht 2 say jor. If u leav ur son in his care, its d boy dt wld sufa. N since he can order u 2 leav d job wen he cnt bear d stres of takin care of his son, whts d use? If only he ws givin u enuf so as nt 2 warant a job complaints 4 no dey na. Dis is a lose lose situation.

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  7. Anonymous5/06/2013

    If you succeed in convincing your husband. That is not the end of wahala. What about picking your son from School? That is another wahala waiting to happen.

    What about you getting home late while they have eaten bread and every body is too tired to take care of kitchen business.
    When you finally move to ur new place, r u sure you will be able to continue in that job?
    How would feel when you begin to hear that your child was picked up very late after all the kids have been picked?

    What about the child's health... kids left at School or daycare centres for too long tend to fall sick often. Have you thought about when you may be asking for permission too often to attend to your boy? I don't pray he begins to fall sick but as an experienced working mum, I know this is what happens in real life.

    Forget about his opting to start picking the boy from School. After one, two, three weeks or even a month, he will get tired, stressed up and then ask you to start picking him not minding what you go through. That job will guarantee you some empowerment (financially) with no enjoyment of life. #MoreMoneyNoPeace

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  8. hmm. God grant you wisdom to take the right decision

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  9. You are obviously an employers dream employee. But it seems taking this job is not really going to help so many situations. I recall my mum always says something "teaching or lecturing is the best job a nursing mum raising her kids can ever do, as she will have all the time in the world or even a government job". I think you should try any of these too. So that you can be earning money and have time for your kids because money is not everything. Your kid needs you. You can't put your job above him because you are living for him.

    Kids learn fast. I'm sure you don't want to regret anything later because you weren't really there for him. So, just be really wise about your decision.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/06/2013

      Teaching or lecturing gives NO TIME these days. Except if you teach in a Gov't School where they won't fix holidays programms for you and won't ask you to close 4pm everyday like other offices.

      Delete
    2. Anon I was referring to Government schools and some private schools mainly. Not all private schools leave you working till 4pm or there about. And as for lecturing, there is still time. A lot of lecturers whom were females then, were practically smiling to the bank monthly and running a flexible time combining lecturing with kids. So, lecturers still have time because you can set your periods to end before 3pm or 2pm, however you want it.

      Delete
  10. This is way complicated! I feel so sorry about this your situation, God will help you.
    You will need to make MAJOR sacrifice anyway you decide to go,just like mrs Dayo pointed out.
    Weigh your options and pray God leads you aright.
    All the best dear.
    @Mrs Dayo,you are so blessed! You are one strong woman!

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  11. I really and truly feel your pain. Either way you go, its a tough tough decision to make.
    If you didn't have a baby yet, I'd have advised that you convince your husband to let you work but with your little boy, it makes it all so complicated.
    First you have to convince your husband to let him go to your mum cause him picking your son from school won't work
    Second, even if your husband agrees you'd miss out on your son's formative years
    Third, Ikorodu to Ikoyi is not a game and your end of Ikorodu seems pretty far. This might take a toll on you o except you want to ferry to and fro
    I think you might have to let this one go... I'm so sorry, I know its tough but maybe look for jobs on the mainland?
    Plus can you somehow get a loan and start something right there in Ikorodu? OR what about the working online that Ahdaisy suggested in a post? (Sorry I don't know what post exactly)

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  12. A few suggestions

    1) You could get a house help
    2) You could get a sibling or relative to come over (I suspect you ain't igbo, igbo's always have this kinda arrangement by default)
    3) You could have a useful neighbor help out.

    What I realized is that ur hubby is not a team player. At my former place of work in GRA ikeja, I had this colleague who's hubby would leave their only car to her so she can easily pick up their son at the Crèche. To that man, the option of shutting down his wife and driving his car to and fro is possible but he never did.

    My candid advice, I view this as a long term solution. It's common knowledge that women tend to withdraw easily when in a tight corner.

    In car accidents, most female death occurs as a result of shock, it appears in such situations that women quickly resolves to their self that all hope is lost, why men by instinct could fight on to survive.

    Why am I saying this? Science, History and even the bible supports that change is the most constant thing on earth.
    So How do you change a man?

    The CONSCIENCE of a man is his biggest workplace! Get a Job there.

    1) Never withdraw an ounce of ur love, empathy and support in spite of all his doings (most women do otherwise and this creates a bigger space)

    2) Go down memory lane and bring Loving back. Even if he doesn't reciprocate after all his conscience is where you now work.

    3) "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person" (Mignon McLaughlin). Men easily tend to fall out of love with their wives and this the reason why men always try to frustrate their wives, same woman they use to love ceaselessly.

    4) It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
    (Friedrich Nietzsche). In what ever way possible, try to be his friend, this how to make a team player out of ur hubby, you can influence his tot's and deeds by this...
    5) I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it. (Lyndon B. Johnson) because men don't think so, that's why quotes like this exist... Always know that you are not alone.

    Lastly... I want you to buy and digest this book "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. This is best book I've ever come across, I have learnt a lot from this book than I have learnt from my entire daily life, infact it is the basis of all I've been saying and suggesting. Cleopatra brought down the hearts of two great roman emperors "Julius Ceaser and Mark Anthony" Ceaser even used the Roman army to help her reclaim egypt from her brother Ptolemy after he usurped her... learn how she did it.

    Nuff'Said

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    1. Anonymous5/06/2013

      Seconded.
      @Ace I never knew you are this intelligent. You guys behave badly on other blogs and adjust as soon as you land on Wc, why that?

      Delete
    2. Where can one get that book in Abuja?
      I need it ASAP.

      Delete
    3. Oh... I forgot something.
      THIRDED!

      Delete
    4. Anonymous5/06/2013

      I started reading dat book ace bt I cudnt continue,d thing wan blow my head,a bit complicated.lol bt I agree with u,a man's conscience is how2get him.I jus told dis 2my frien who is struggling seriously with her marriage.she sef wasn't acting like she needed d marriage,always nagging n complaining,den I advised her y not kill dis man wit love n compassion n see if he won't change?its just always difficult 4we ladies,dats d truth,its hard though,takes a lot of strength 2luv a man who treats u bad!dear poster we both know u can't take dat job,u av2start 4getting bout ur past life bcos of ur child's sake.try win d love of ur oga bck,it wud mke life a lil bit bearable4u

      Delete
  13. Ur story makes me sad each time! Pls don't take the job because it will break ur home and make u sad! And your son, who will take care of him? Since ur husband won't allow your mum, he may end up poisoning the boys mind against you! Just make the sacrifice pls later on you will still get a job by Gods grace.

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  14. hmmm the lord is ur strength is all i can say

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  15. hmmm the lord is ur strength is all i can say

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  16. @poster, I agree with what every1 has said so far esp Mrs Dayo (thumbs up to u madam!).

    In my opinion, hard as it may be, I think u shd forget abt that job. From the sound of things it will only compound ur life the more.

    What is 'wosi wosi'? Pls if it's legitimate why not give it a try, or look for another small business that won't need much capital.

    I really feel for u! When I hear/read things that pple go thru in marriage n relationships sometimes, I can't understand!

    It is well with you.

    www.virtuosity19.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. 'Wosi wosi' is petty trading. Sweet and biscuit kind.

      Delete
    2. @Chi, thanks.
      @poster, I guess wosi wosi might be one step too far for u.

      This is a really hard one! Maybe consider supplying things to pple in their offices?

      I like Ace's points!

      www.virtuosity19.blogspot.com

      Delete
  17. Na wa o,sm ppl are really going tru a lot!...hmmm! I feel for you my dear,on a first thought, I would hv told you to damn everybody n pursue d job being that I'm that kind of person who finds it difficult to depend on someone financially,I hv always wanted to be financially independent cos e dey tire sometimes to ask hubby money for everything.But my sis der,s a child involved, you hv to tink abt him in any decision you choose to take, cos U̶̲̥̅̊ liv for him.
    Pls let dis one go n take care of ur child, I knw its easier to gv someone else advice wen you are nt d one directly involved bt I'll still hv to tell you dis;Take care of your child first, save your marriage and also save yourself d stress dat would hv come wit d job. Pray, manage urself and Ơ̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡ forward to the future. Tmoro would always be better dan today @least dat is wat I always tell myself.
    I wish U̶̲̥̅̊ d best in whatever decision U̶̲̥̅̊ make.

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  18. I agree to a large extent with Mrs Dayo, please consider your little child and make some very painful sacrifices now. Most parents including yours truly made a lot. I put a lot of my dreams on hold so I can be their for my children. Life is in phases... if you make the sacrifices now and cut back on some provisions, you will reap in joy and guilt-free knowing you chose your child over a job. God be with you!
    Love

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  19. Anonymous5/06/2013

    Pls my dear, don't sacrifice ur marriage for a job. I have a similar experience, I was sacked when the coy knew am pregnant. My baby is 10months now απϑ I know how hard it is expecially if u were working b4. In my case, am not married, its either my job or my unborn child. I choose my baby. Manage wat ur hubby gives u απϑ take care of ur child urself. I hate it wen marriages fail, pls make it work απϑ kip ur home.

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  20. I think u should try and find a creche near your new office so you can drop off your son on your way to work everyday and then try and discuss with your new employer d situation with having to pick your son up and u maybe surprised that they may be willing to give you some concession or work something out like allowing you have your son with you when the creche closes for a few hours till you close. You should just try and tackle the issues one at a time and u will see that God will work something out as hings progress. Sometimes the devil only makes us see all the obstacles ahead to discourage us but if we just have enough faith to take the first dew steps things may just fall in to place and work out better than we thought. I wish u all the best and pray God touches your husband's heart cos truly only GOD can change anyone.

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    Replies
    1. Johnson5/06/2013

      Thanks @ Nana - I like your line of thought and would take it from where you stopped...
      @ Poster, I read your story earlier and knew it’s not something you can be quick to make a response. I’ve thought through the whole scenario…:
      1. Accept the job offer, give it a try for, say 3months.
      2. Your husband is not as bad as painted… he agreed to your accepting this offer and offered to take care of HIS son. Appreciate him for this kind gesture!
      3. He will not harm his son and the little lad is still very young – he would cope in a good daycare.
      The 1st month at work will give you an opportunity to assess how both of you are doing and the following are possible scenarios that could play out:
      (a) He tells you to stop work and stay home with the baby.
      (b) He suggests alternatives because it’s stressful for him taking care of the young lad. Possibly he agrees to your taking him to your mum…
      (c) You don’t really fancy the job – the last thing you need now is another stress.
      (d) You get your life back and the job happens to be the best thing to happen to you in recent time.
      On moving to your own apartment… this might not work out as planned. He might decide to rent another apartment and would definitely consider accessibility. You would have an opportunity to support him financially…

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/07/2013

      And just to add to this, when you receive your salary bribe him with it. give him some money and tell him to put it towards his savings or use it towards the house upkeep. I know it is a bribe, but soon enough he will start to value that money especially now that he wants to build a house

      Delete
    3. @ Anon May 7 (2:40am) - I think she should actually honor him with the complete 1month salary package as 'first fruit'. Let him bless the pay & decides what to do with it. But sha o, make the man no hijack everything as some of our pastors will do! THIS IS NOT A BRIBE.
      This job might be all you need to be FREE your marriage cos the way you're going, only God will sustain your home if something different does not happen.

      Delete
    4. If you hand over your first salary to him, he may want it to continue that way. Is that what you want? Pls don't start what you can't finish.
      I think you can buy him a gift.

      Delete
  21. Anonymous5/06/2013

    @Mrs Dayo n all those who commented on dis i say a big thank you,Altho i'm nt d' poster,buh u all av hlped in healin d' sore i ve bn nursin 4 smtime now,cos i'm avin similar probs. God Bless d' wivies Connection family,n aunty Eya.

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  22. Anonymous5/06/2013

    Please take the job and see how it goes for a couple of months. if its too much to handle you can quit. For all you know it might work out well. May God strengthen you and restore your joy.

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  23. Anonymous5/06/2013

    My dear pls take d offer bcos this will create an avenue for u 2 meet lovely pple and be happy. I live in ikd and I work at vi, every day I used 2 go with ferry. I wake up as early as 4.30 then prepare my self and my kids for d day.I drop my kids by public transport in there sch every morning then do lesson till around 6.30. I pick then up frm there lesson teacher house which she use 2 help me take good care of them. Wknds I use 2 do all my cooking for the wk and washing for d wk and get a enough rest. But I dnt party. Try DAT

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  24. Anonymous5/06/2013

    My dear pls take d offer bcos this will create an avenue for u 2 meet lovely pple and be happy. I live in ikd and I work at vi, every day I used 2 go with ferry. I wake up as early as 4.30 then prepare my self and my kids for d day.I drop my kids by public transport in there sch every morning then do lesson till around 6.30. I pick then up frm there lesson teacher house which she use 2 help me take good care of them. Wknds I use 2 do all my cooking for the wk and washing for d wk and get a enough rest. But I dnt party. Try DAT

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  25. Priscillia5/06/2013

    @ Poster...It's either ur job or ur family. I'll advice u pick ur family...and put ur husband n prayers that God will make him an understanding man.
    This WC is like the best blog there is..I am not married but I learn everyday from here. Thanks to Eya for creating a blog like this.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/07/2013

      Yes I personally want to say Thank you to Mrs. Eya for this blog. It has gradually grown on me. In the past food recipes used to be the order of the day but important as food is, problems, issues and seeking advice has taken over. I even open this blog before Linda Ikeji's which used to b No. 1. For me before now. Keep up the good work Mrs Eya tho continue to give us recipes so I can try new dishes, commenters pls don't stop commenting. Above all, God bless u.

      Inobi

      Delete
  26. Anonymous5/06/2013

    Dear Poster, your post reminds me of a very horrible time in my life when work was an issue between my ex husband and I. In the end I stopped working cos I could not standing the beating that took place on top of me going to the office. This is a very hard place to be in because you won't to balance your work life with your family life. From my personal experience, I have found that a man who will not support you financially whilst also begrudging you the ability to work will not even look after the children you have for him. So, you basically have 2 options and some of the comments above are very helpful with ideas like getting a house help if your hubby agrees or leaving your child in a crèche near your office. The second option is for you to look for something to do from home like starting a small business doing buyng and selling or even running a crèche from home. Your personal experience shows that there is a need for crèches around where you live. My dear, the bottom line is, inasmuch as you want to balance your marriage, make sure you can also create an avenue to become financially independent. There is no such thing as small money especially when you are not currently earning. I always encourage women to be financially independent anyway they can. It's important for your self confidence and personal development and you never know tomorrow. God bless you and p,ease give us an update on how you get on.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Taking into consideration ur last email, I think there is more to this story than ur side. Why? Bc ur man is being mindfully callous.
    1. If somehow u can sit him down and ask him why he does all these things to u? Does he derive joy from u being angry and deflated?
    2. U bring in relatives anytime u have issues with hubby, do u think that's a good idea? I prefer to keep btw the 2 of us till it gets unmanageable.
    3. Nothing will keep u sane like working, even if it means extra stress. If u think really well u will find another solution that doesnt include giving the child to ur mother. It might even be more expensive, but the thing with working is that with time u ll find a better option and higher pay. But most importantly, u ll get a freedom and sanity.
    4. Usually, having children smoothens things btw couple, so if urs is getting is getting worse u might want to have protected sex till d condition in ur family is condusive enough to bring in another baby.


    Good luck with ur decision decision dear

    ReplyDelete
  28. Anonymous5/07/2013

    thank u every one for ur kind thots...advice....suggestions...God bless u and urs.
    I am taking everything into consideration...there are things i did not include in my post which i will also take into cognizance alongside all the comments here. i am still in talks with company.. i am leaning towards taking the job as i have no money..no means to buy even basic things for myself talkless of my son and i hate myself for not being able to provide for my son the basic things when i must do so. BTW my husband doesnt give me any kobo as he prefers to buy even the littlest things by himself.
    One am sure of is that right now i will not bring another child into the mix until i know am certain of my journey.
    I will keep u all posted and possibly for other people to learn that love is not all that matters.
    Thank u people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. From ds ur post,its obvious u feel u need ds job to be happy. Pls follow ur heart,only u knows just ow it is in ur home. U're d one wearing ur shoes!
      I pray joy returns back to ur home.
      As someone suggested,get a loan and get a creche in Ikoyi. I hope d pay will b enof 2 take care of transport,creche,and ur neesds sha. Cos if not,d purpose is defeated.
      And let me still add;no sacrifice is too much 4 ur child. Just consider his well being while u decide.
      It is well wit u.Hugs:)

      Delete
  29. Anonymous5/07/2013

    Dear ikorodu lady, firstly any man dat hates ur mother is less dan a man, cos ur mum is a gem, she raised u, and inspite of ur hubbys hostility/disregard for her, she is ur mother! She even offered to assist with taking care of the baby, don't think its convenient fr her, but she offered out of love for u! Ur way out of perpetual sadness, take the job! Ur hubby pickin d baby from creche is out of the question, he will get tired in a week!I suspect he is only suggestin dat as a means to control u later.get a creche around ur office,(u may need to take a loan from mum to facilitate dat and pay her wen u get salary month end),drop baby, after work pick baby,join BRT and go home! Oga can drive home by himself! Wen u start to work ur self esteem will come back and ur husband will begin to regard u again! Pls believe me.cos I had a similar experience when I gave birth to my first child! I became a stay at home mum, and d disregard n emotional abuse started. With d help and advice of my mum, I dusted my certificate, got a job, and today 6yrs down d line I can smile again! I pray dis helps!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous5/07/2013

    Marriage is a life altering experience especially for we women but I belong to that school of thought that believes marriage should not completely alter our lives. We all had desires, aspirations, dreams, goals, and plans even before we started the journey into marriage and I don’t think we should lay down our dreams because of marriage. I believe husbands should be aware of their wives desires and goals and help them to achieve it instead of killing that desire. Marriage is about compromise, why should it be the woman that should compromise all the time to make the marriage work? The success of a marriage is not dependent on the woman alone but on both parties. Working is not always about the pay check but about self fulfilment actualization of dreams and, the non-monetary value you add to your life through the job.
    It’s not right when men decide to do things to please themselves without considering their wives. They just make their plans go ahead with it and think wifey should be happy about it. Wifey is not a robot that should be pushed here and there...she’s a human being that can think, reason, and make decisions as well.
    An unhappy and unfulfilled woman cannot be a good wife and an unhappy woman cannot be a good mother. We all need to be happy to be good wives and mothers. Please ladies, our desires and dreams don’t necessarily have to change completely because we are married. If hubby turns himself to a mini-god and dictator I will walk out. For me, actualization of my dreams is more important than marriage!! Yes, I said so. It’s more important than marriage and if I cannot pursue all or some of my dreams because of hindrances from hubby I’ll simply leave. I’m not in any way trying to influence the posters decision and I’m not telling her to leave her husband, this is just my opinion! I know people will start hauling abusive words, I do not care but that is my opinion...I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MAN HINDER ME!!!!!
    I’m done; let the vile words start pouring in!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll just tell u ds madam, get married 1st,den come bak to spew all ds! U tink na only u get ds kin idea?
      U don't know shit! Na ur type go fall in love,get married,den carry man for head.
      Just pray u don't ds lady's kind of experience wen u eventually get married!

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/07/2013

      M.A, To the glory of God, I've been married for 10 years and my hubby supports and encourages me to pursue and achieve my dreams. Like I said marriage is about compromise and we do that a lot in our home. we always arrive @ a mid point when we need to make decisions and everyone is happy... and I do not carry my husband on my head!

      Delete
  31. Anonymous5/07/2013

    @anonymous9.17am.... i wonder oooo..
    am not advocating divorce...but why do men not try to see that their wives are individuals with their own dreams and aspirations..while as a woman..in africa...being in a marriage may limit some things..but by all means ..some should be achievable with the husband s encouragement n support. we each all have one life to live...so why dont we all help each other. please o maybe we can organise symposiums for men o....they need it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Johnson5/07/2013

      @ Anon 10:21am, women need the symposiums more than men! It’s amazing that a woman can gets hooked just because a guy is tall, dark, & handsome..., of course with some cool cash. Several ladies had sold out her 'birth-right'…. and (like Esau) you shalt serve thy hubby until you become restless, then shall thou break his yoke from your neck (Gen 27:40 NKJV).
      Ladies (married) ask yourselves the question 'why did I get married?' Some of you will be shocked by your own response! All the single ladies, please read Best Advice For Single And Married By Kayma 2.
      With all the challenges, marriage is the best thing that has happened to me after Christ.

      Delete
  32. Meg O.5/07/2013

    Hmm. i read through your write up and i can tell you that i know what you are saying, absolutely. My dear poster, get up and go get that job. Every woman that is married to a Nigerian man should work. I was in a similar situation a while ago, though in my case i married while in school, came out, served but my husband did not think i should work. I tried everything possible to get a job and he would start giving trouble and i would quit against every advice just to keep my home. Imagine! And my mum was a banker of over 30years at that point though just retired. It takes only an insecure man to stop his wife from working. He battered me daily at will and i held on, praying and fasting even in pregnancy. Eventually after 3kids, my husband beat me and my kids up so badly that i ran away the next day with my kids. No job, no money and having only my parents, i ran to them. My dad got me a job and a car and we are living with them till now. This is not very interesting because its almost 2years and he has not even called/ contacted anyone to ask of his kids or myself. If i did not have my parents to run to, honestly i and my kids would have died because i was so sad, depressed and a wreck, till date i so hate men with complex.And please don't bother with all the talks about there are good men. Off course i know. There is no living creature i know that is as good as my dad, not yet,so i know. My dear, get up and the take the job. The job will build your self esteem and make him value you. And should things go wrong you can have something to fall on.Be a good wife, treat him as God expects of you. Look for a good Creche to put your son. Cook his meals, pamper your husband but go for the job. I respect my mum so much especially because she worked. i want my children to wake up and see me hustling not lying down and tying wrapper on the chest. One day, he will go after a chic that works, maybe in his office or some where else. Why? because she has what you don't have. Enough has been said. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
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