Should I Leave Her Brother For Her?

Hi Aunty Eya,
How are you and lovely family? I am a number one reader of your blog and would like to ask for a favour from your bloggers. I need your's and their advice too.

My fiance proposed in September, we had our traditional marriage in January and
looking forward to our church wedding. He is a good man, we love ourselves and he is the kind of man I would love to have as a husband. I don't know how to put this so that readers don't see me as a bad woman but I will try. My fiance has a brother, an elder sister and two younger sisters who look up to him right now as their breadwinner. 

They lost their mum while still very young and had to depend on their father's little salary as a teacher. Life was hard then like I was told, their father couldn't cope with the burden of paying all their fees all at once. At this point, my fiance's elder sister had to drop out of school for him to go, pending when he'll graduate and she'll start off again.

Right now, she is in school quite alright and my fiance is her sponsor since their father is retired now. He talks about how she helped him almost all the time and is ready to do anything for her. She is not a bad lady, I love her too but Aunty Eya, what she is putting me through is not funny. I don't enjoy staying around her anymore. I am in my final year right now, I try as much as possible to go spend some time with my fiance (with my parent's approval o) whenever I have a long holiday. When I visit, is always when she is around too and she makes sure I don't really enjoy my stay there. She has this cunning mischievous way of doing subtle things that one cannot even report to anyone because I won't be understood.

Things like: She makes sure every time I am cooking for us, she pops into the kitchen to see what is going on and asks for pieces of meat from sup that is still cooking. She will tell me she wants to snack with some meat to see if it's cooked, I let her have it sometimes the meat is not much and I may have to forfeit mine to enable her have more when food is being served. This is like a habit that happens every day for all the days I get to spend there.

Another thing is the way she keeps her washed underpants: We dry these things outside but she never does. It is either hung in the bathroom or on the bathroom door with her towel spread ontop of it to cover it. I hate to see this and her brother cannot afford to offend his saviour so he'll ask me why I can't be like him? or will get angry that me I don't know how to ignore things. I don't bother much because it's always short visits I make there but I am thinking, after my graduation and wedding, will I be able to ignore all of the time and cope?

Again, she is too pestering: Whenever she is leaving for school, my town is not very far away from theirs so she visits, and those visits are very uncomfortable for me. She wouldn't be content with what she has.., she'll try my shoes ( we wear the same size and I have bought her shoes twice). Pick out the ones she wants to borrow to go pose at school. Pick out dresses in my wardrobe that she likes and begs me to let her use even if for once. She never returns returns them after one wearing. They remain with her until I ask or till the end of that semester. I don't know how to say no. I don't want to make her angry to avoid her looking for other ways to pay me back when I visit. I can't tell my fiance that his elder sister borrows my ears, he may feel embarrassed.

Let me also add that when she visits and sees food in my kitchen (My parents are not always around). She eats in an annoying way. She can eat my pot of soup halfway and then ask if there is a little I can give her to take home to save her cooking the next meal... 

What I hate most is she asking me to help her wash each time I visit. She is older than me I know but I am not used to this kind of lifestyle. I don't think Nigerian women wash for their sister-in-laws. I hate to wash her clothes but just smile and do it for the sake of my fiance whom I love so so much. What stops her from washing her things when I visit? Is she trying to stop me from visiting? I am worried that she may not really like me and may be looking for a way to create a scene so she can "give a dog a bad name and hang it." 

These days I am thinking that if I'm not extremely careful, she may push me into a quarrel or fight with her, God forbid!!!
She likes to rub it in all the time, the fact that she has no problem in life because with her brother, she is covered. She tries to say things to make me feel like she means a lot to him while I mean nothing? I don't get it. I am beginning to get tired of this whole thing. I may not even bother visiting again let her enjoy her almighty brother.

Aunty Eya, You and bloggers should please advise me on what to do. I am so inexperienced with these kinds of relationships.
I need advice please.

Comments

  1. He is your fiance now, sister, you have to stand your ground now and say NO!

    What irritated me most about your post is the borrowing of clothes and asking you to wash her clothes. For what now? As as how? Say wetin happen? NO, it is wrong.

    If you don't stand your ground now and say what you want, your marriage might become miserable for you. When her brother has 'acquired' you, she'll treat you worse. It's better you quarrel with her now and have your peace, than pamper her now. This is because if you quarrel with her when you get married, people including your hub will ask you why you have changed all of a sudden. That, so you were pretending all along. He might even start reading other meanings to your 'pretense'.

    Talk to him about it, if he does nothing, talk to her. Like I'll always say, pray about the situation. Pray her some distances away from your fiance. Because sisters like this never go away even when they are married with kids especially when their brothers feel indebted to them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My dear,this is a very dicey thin and for once I kinna disagree with ahdaisy.if u did nt start to flex muscle at d beginning of d rship my dear no be now u go start am.talk to ur fiancee first,as far as I kno dat is d person u av buisness with.I av elder brothers and trust me,I will only treat deir wives or girlfriends based on what they have said to me.so am thinking ur fiancee has probably told his sister dat no one can take her place.am nt one for do or die situations so sorry I can't advise u to pray or so.am married and b4 I gt married d man I shu av originally married loved me to death bt his mother didn't.he begged me to stay bt me I no get power for drama and am glad I left.I feel smtomes wen God destines sm1 for u,thins wil be as sweet at sugar,coz weni met my present husband,I was treated like a queen....so my dear if u talk to him watch his response.if he sticks up for his sister u r on ur own oo.I hope u wil be ready wen she comes to start living with u and from ur tone u no be craze woman so dem go bully u tire.also I hp u wil be ready for times wen ur husband wil tel u to use ur salary to pay ur childrens skul fees bcos he has touse his money to take care of his siblings,I also hope ur ready God forbid sha,for a time if ur husband dies,his siblings will beat u out of his belongings after all where were u when dey suffered for him...my dear d ball is in ur court.my own is after talking to him start deciding if u can manage or u wil leave.sometimes we pray and pray when God has given u d signs.its like a girl praying dat God shud change her drug dealer boifriend or her muslim fiancee and u forget d word of God dat wat has darkness got to do with lyt.so my dear as I said,shine ur eyes

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Queen Bee4/28/2013

      IMO,I rather think its a case of her fiancé not being able to stand up to this sister of his cos he feels he owes her!
      My advise is that,if u complain to him about these issues and he does nothing(dats u don't notice any change in her behaviours cos he might not address her in ur presence),then u stand up to her urself,but if he quarrels with u for defending urself,then that's a red light!begin to think twice about that marriage cos that shows u that ur marriage will be controlled by his family.
      And my dear sis,u are better off single than that sort of marriage.

      Delete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous4/28/2013

    He isn't even fiance,1ce u've done traditional marriage den that man is ur hubby my dear.I really feel 4u luv,kai I even feel like strangling her on ur bhalf.lol how in God's name will she mke u wash her cloths,as in dat 1 is even the height of it.bt I guess its d dynamics of the house,dey liv with deir broda n the guy am sorry2say has over pampered her,u shud be his priority now not the sista.not 2say he won't help her in schl o,bt he is d1 dat can cut this his sisters wings,he needs2sit her down n put her in her place.u can't stop visiting bcos he's ur man,n who knows she might want a friend of hers 4him.pls talk 2oga again but this tym nt in an angry manner.sit him down,n tell him all,n pls ask now if u all will b living in same house wen u marry so u know ur fate now.

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  5. I don't think you should just leave based on these afterall you are already married to him in the traditional way.

    You need to air your mind out here. Why would you allow your self to be used by her, washing her clothes and all that? Its better you set things straight now babes between you, your fiance and her before you become her footmat.

    Also ask God to direct you on how to handle this issue because he has the answers to everything. Best of luck

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  6. Set things straight NOW OR NEVER.................

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  7. My dear he is now ur husband cos he has married u traditionally so u cannot leave him for "her". You must learn to say No to things u don't like to avoid stories dat touch. U have licked her ass too long and now is d time to set d record straight. U don't have to say No in a rude manner but use wisdom to do it. May God grant u d wisdom to tackle this. All za best

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  8. Anonymous4/28/2013

    *Hmmmm* too too anoying you just have to put it straight to them,let your spouse choose between both of you,as it is now your living a life of pretends and you wouldn't be able to contol the outcome. Favour osowoaye

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous4/28/2013

    For what as what Abegggggi, make she Sitdon, re U a learner? U re married already shuuoooooo, Talk now or for ever remain silent.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous4/28/2013

    I feel u shud speak 2 ur man not his sis, bcos if u get her upset she cud turn d whole fam against U, and dat won't be pleasant. Explain 2 him U really dnt like d way his sister treats U, and dt doe she's older u deserve some respect as his wife. Giv an example of the clothes washing aspect, tell him if he truly cares abt ur feelings he shud put an end 2 it. Be4 I got married my husband made it clear 2 his older siblings and even parents that watever got 2 do with me, they wud hav 2 take permission frm him. At 1st it was like a joke but wen he started screaming, dey got d msg. The funny part is his sister who is ova 15yrs older dan I wud beg me not 2 tell her brother wen she wnts me 2 do sometin..d kind of respect I get is shocking...why? Bcos my husband made it so. He's d man of d house watever he allows wud stay. That way U can pretend like u hav no influence in his decision..let him make it seem like he just noticed it not that u complained...he shud just let her know he wants it 2 stop. That's wat I feel sha...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs Anon3/22/2014

      Thank you my dear. You just spoke my mind. Poster, tell ur fiance and watch his reaction carefully. If he doesn't fight for u the maybe u should think again...

      Delete
  11. Hello Dear,

    I noticed from ur post that you have a timid personality, you sold out ur respect and you haven't given any cogent reason to do so. You've loved this guy so much that you stooped so low and accepted a lot of trash. Dear sister, I lay all the blame on you... sorry, but this is just the truth.

    How do you urself define all you accepted? Even if this man is also ur breadwinner isn't he ur fiance?

    Plz... My candid advice is that you correct all ur wrongs urself, it's better you do so now or just leave her brother as you have proposed. You know what is wrong, correct them NOW or live with him in the hopes of a future breakdown.

    Note: every inlaw of a successful male child always wanna flex their muscle, it's you that will earn a good space and respect for urself.


    Nuff'Said
    Happi Sunday

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous4/28/2013

    From what you've said, I can tell she wasn't brought up properly. It's most likely because she didn't get to spend too much time with their mother and the father had to work to make ends meet. Someone, family or not, cannot come to your house and eat till the food is almost gone. Especially as you didn't offer it to her. This shows she has a lack of respect for herself and for others hence, she doesn't respect you either.

    Now, that man is your husband, not your boyfriend so you don't have to tip-toe around anyone. Tell her how you feel, obviously not in a harsh way. If you're cooking and she comes in for meat, jokingly tell her that the food is almost done, that you don't want her to lose her appetite. Once the meat is done, the rest of the cooking doesn't take much time anyway. If she has any sense, then she'll get the message over time and not bother getting up to go and take meat. She's not a small child that you put pieces of meat and fish in the mouth for, she's an adult and should behave like one. You must be firm with them now, or you'll continue to be the doormat forever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/28/2013

      Also, Ace made a really good point there. It goes with what I've said. You cannot present yourself as timid and want them to respect you and your space. They believe that you cannot say 'no' and so she continues to be a pest instead of a blessing. You can't leave your husband for her, he didn't do anything to you. It that woman you need to deal with.

      Delete
  13. Anonymous4/28/2013

    Hmm. This is a tough one. My dear, marriage is not a fairy tale o. Yorubas say that ile oko, ile eko ni meaning your husband's house is a school. You will relaern patience. You will relearn discipline. The only issue I truly see here is the meat nonsense and the borrowing clothes issue. As for the rest, ignore gnore ignore. Become blind, deaf and mute. You'll learn with time to stop the washing. Her brother will be the one to stop it himself. Someone gave an excellent suggestion for the meat issue. Everything else, I beg you to ignore. People see and hear worse o. ABi my own in-laws that spend 1 - 2 months in each child's house and the mother wants to cook her own meals for that period. Imagine my mother in law cooking her own breakfast, lunch and dinner beside me because only she can cook her husband's meals. Or hearing that I'm fat. Or that I don't need a househelp for at least a year after marriage/ Dictating work hours. The list is endless. And my husband is caught in the middle. You learn to manipulate where necessary and ignore the rest. Cooking can NEVER happen in my kitchen. Whatever I eat, you cook or go back to your house. But I'll never say that to her. Instead I torment her son nightly and remind him to speak for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/28/2013

      Your comment is so full of wisdom. Thanx

      Delete
    2. This comment is full of wisdom cos it encourages you to continue... No be vision but if you continue in your old ways you will regret it for real. However, since you feel ok with things why ask for advice?

      Delete
  14. Pls stop calling him ur fiance, he's ur husband. Even in d bible, d traditional marriage is recognised marriage.
    As for ur bullying sis inlaw, its unfortunate u yet to do ur church weddin, hence u haven't moved into ur husband's home.so now it still seems lik u r d visitor in "their house". Even at that, u shd never wash her clothes or lend her ur clothes to wear.
    Talk to ur husband n let him know how u feel abt it.I'm sure he'll see reasons wit u.
    U shd learn to say "NO" politely.. Incase u don't know how to say it, let me teach u: when she comes again,u smile,and while smiling u say "No,sis,I'm sorry I can't do/allow that..". Its easy. Don't b scared. I'm sure ur husband will hv ur back on d issue.
    Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Johnson4/28/2013

    The bible requires, as much as lieth in us, to live peaceably with all men, if it be possible. I see a ‘sister in-law’ that is over-the-top and lacks the decorum of a well brought up person.
    One question for you: why would you do traditional in January and wait this long for the church wedding?
    Scripturally, the traditional wedding is the one recognized by God… However, when a couple decide to do church wedding, they would not be considered as man and wife until the church wedding is completed. The church would only pronounce you man and wife when:
    1. You have completed the traditional rites and court registery,
    2. There is zero likelihood of a third party being involved in the joining. I mean there is no pregnancy; else the Word of God which signifies the joining of two persons as one would be violated. Pregnancy brings another person(s) in the joining!
    Back to the issue – have you ever considered that your sister in-law is only trying to be a friend? For all you know, she might be trying to be very familiar with you. However, she is doing it the wrong way… some persons just don’t know how friendship works (mutual respect). I absolutely find her attitude as being disrespectful and she needs to be cautioned. How?
    1. Talk to your husband. Tell him that you are going to caution his ‘lovely’ sister and that he might not like the outcome, so he needs to do it himself.
    2. If he is not able to, then he is not man enough. The bible says "for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife". I hope you have not married a boy!
    3. If he does not do it, you have to free yourself from your sister in-law. God will give you the wisdom… But sha o, this will not be a good way to start off a marriage.
    Most challenges in homes today is becos the men have refused to leave contrary to the Word of God; instead it is the women that leave father and mother. When we try to upturn God’s instructions, it ends up with us having to struggle through life.
    Look for some good books on marriage and give them as gift to your hubby. If possible, attend some marriage seminars and counseling sessions with your hubby – it will help both of you. God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hmmm...! A wise person told me years ago: if you know u won't be able to keep up with something then don't begin at all. In other words never start what u can't finish because the day u stop, u disturb the status quo and misunderstandings and strife start.

    This has helped A LOT, I can't tell u how much.

    It's unfortunate that u have made a rod for ur own back and now u can't take it anymore, meanwhile ur sis-in-law has got used to having her own way all the time.

    You may have noticed these things at the start but went along so as not to ruffle any feathers, because u didn't want to jeopardise ur relationship. I don't blame u. We sometimes ignore warning signs when we're going after something, but later the minor inconveniences become major irritations!

    For the future, pls take the above advice, but for the current situation, speak candidly to ur hubby and get him to sort it out. If u attempt to have it out with this lady u might come off the loser (in-law dynamics in action)!

    Best wishes.

    www.virtuosity19.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. I totally understand what you're going through and my opinion may differ from others and will be lengthy but hear me out first.

    You're practically a married woman, you need to learn a whole new method of relating with your in-laws. Please do not, I repeat DO NOT speak to her about this yourself. With the sort of person you juist described, I guarantee you that there's no way you can sit her down to discuss with her that won't turn around to blow up in your face and here's why:
    -She's his elder sister
    -He worships her cause she made huge sacrifices for him
    -Your mother in law has passed on and she automatically fills that void
    -As the 'mother' of the house, if she spins the story on you and blames you for everything, most of the family will believe her and trust me, there's nothing like having peace with your in laws.

    Here's what I suggest.
    He's your husband. You know how to press his buttons and make him see reasons with you. Know when to raise the issue. Explain every detail to him and he will see reasons with you. Don't paint her badly though, just say it in a way that you know she most likely means no harm but its affecting you. You and your husband should always agree on issues like this and let him be your spokesperson. Whenever any issue arises with my in laws I tell them 'whatever my husband says' meanwhile hubby and I don agree and finalise matter.
    This isn't because I can't put my foot down or shout on anybody's head but I want peace.
    Be as cunning as a serpent but as harmless as a dove.
    All the best

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous4/29/2013

    YES! Leave her brother, Your HUSBAND for her. Women! U can lick ass to get anything u want! Now he has married u, ur complaining of her attitude u once didt see anything wrong with! Oniranu! Be dulling there. He wldt choose u over his sister, what have u done for him? She is shielding her brother from hawks! Prove to her otherwise, be friends with her and live in peace and pray she marries soon so she will b in her husband's house. Be wise, and forget all dose student/childish act. Welcome to d real world. And let no man/woman call me names, for I bear in my body d marks of my Lord Jesus Christ!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/30/2013

      You call someone 'Oniranu' and say no one should call you names and even quote Bible on top. So what exactly is your point?

      Delete
    2. Anonymous5/14/2013

      I cant even believe that you would insult someone and call the name of God. see as ure cursing yourself. If you don't have anything intelligent to say, please don't talk abeg. Lily

      Delete
  19. Anonymous4/29/2013

    Wch yeye mark u dey bear??? Pls jst zip it!!! As 4 d poster, I rily don't tnk u shud sit ur hubby or his sis down as u may end up bn d snake after all. All u need is to b tactical abt dis issue. For instance, get busy so der'll b no avenue to strt runnin errands 4 ur in-law n wit tim, she'll gt to do stuffs herself. What I believe is that she doesn't respect herself, ur hubby n neither does she respect u as her brother's wife. If she does, she'll b reasonable enough to take permission @ least from him b4 givin u lame orders. So all these issues largely depend on ur hubby. Jst my candid opinion...

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous4/29/2013

    Madam yeye! So wat u said and wat d other anon said, what's d difference?!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. don't leave... I think there will always be an annoying inlaw. talk to your husband about it and let him help to cut the nonsense

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  22. Happy New Month everyone!

    To the topic at hand, you already allowed her to ALWAYS have her way till you had your traditional marriage, so why not continue to allow her have her way?

    So women sha! Have you ever said no to her before either directly or indirectly? I'm sorry to disappoint you but she would keep behaving like that till your husband puts her in her place. If not, cassava continues.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous5/02/2013

    Anonymous oniranu, I'm amazed @ d amount of stupidity and foolishness u've exhibited on dis blog. I'm pretty sure u r just like d sis inlaw in dis story that is y it is bitting u. Mark of christ my bloody arse!!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous10/10/2013

    Hello everyone, I've a pressing issue that is threatening my peace. How do I share? I don't want to send via e-mail. If I post it here as a comment can Eya pls move i to the frontpage? Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous11/07/2013

    In laws and their wahala

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is a very common issue,what of in-laws that live off their brother,financially in every aspect,feeding,transport,schooling. My dear u just have to be wise. There is no perfect family ooo... So just work with this one you have entered. Talk to ur hubby about it seriously but calmly. Am married to a man that loves his family like crazy. And they flock around him,l had to love them by force,tolerate their excesses and just follow them wisely. With time, he will get tired of her rubbish and start to complain to u on his own,just keep a very close relationship with your hubby,be his best friend,soon together you both will know the best things to do.

    ReplyDelete

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