RELATED STORIES

Should I Accept His Proposal?


Good day,
Thanks for your good work. I have a story to share about my personal life and
would appreciate your honest and sincere opinion. Please share with your readers(I am one of them). I would love to remain anonymous to the readers

Many thanks in advance and God bless you!

I'm 30 years and would love to have a successful home/marriage . I've been in a relationship(2.1/2yrs) with a friend who is currently going through a  divorce with his wife(they have been separated for a few years now). They have beautiful kids together(all less than 12 years). 

We met and started dating after he had moved out of his house. The story of his wife is for another day(I'm not judgmental but trust me when I say you won't wish your enemy sharing the same home with her). It is wise to hear from both parties before coming to a conclusion but I've had the privilege of getting information from both parties and you know where the majority of the problem comes from-sadly the wife!.....And yes i know about the proverb,the cane used to beat the 1st wife is patiently waiting behind the door

Anyways back to my story.. he and my sister(happily married now) had a very brief relationship/fling in the past before I came into the picture. I honestly started as friends with him and he was and still is like my mentor/confidant/adviser. I had no interest or never even thought of it leading anywhere.We probably were together cos we were both lonely and then we fell in love.

Even in the past he promised himself he was not going to get married again at least not in the nearest future and I was in full support. I spend a lot of time in his house like when I am back from work or working on a project which he assists with and few people around feel i am his wife. I have met everyone in his family and they seem to like me and are comfortable with me.

Surprisingly he has just asked for my hand in marriage and I was shocked! We love each other but I just don't know what to do. Say yes and start a life together? See my sister? Inform our people? He says he is going to inform my sis himself to show respect/honor.

We are both doing very well for ourselves so finances is not a problem..Constructive criticism please and no insults..It took a lot of courage for me to write this

Comments

  1. I will not judge, and I am one of those who do not think that adage about the cane is set in stone. Circumstances can be different and people also can change. Some questions, you say you both love each other, does that mean you're in a relationship? You said you heard from the other party, his ex-wife, does that mean she is your friend and someone you know?

    Anyway, for the way forward - Know the man you're working with, bring everything into the open, know that people will talk, know that he has a past, an ex-wife and children and be prepared to live with that. 30 is not a child anymore, and I don't mean that you're not a spring chicken as per finding someone else, but that you've experienced life and should have more maturity and understanding. Before you say yes, let everyone know, your sister, his ex, his children, your respective families, and handle the fall-out if any.

    I wish you the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Thanks..I'm not friends with the wife. I know someone who used to be colleagues with her at senior manager level and said they(in the office) always wanted to meet her husband cos it was a trend that people used to wonder what kind of man could put up with her attitude. I've heard her(the wife) speak over the phone to him and times i hear him say when you are ready to have a civil conversation without insults/been rude call back and he hangs up.I have seen emails(privileged)sent from her,old messages stored in his phone,recorded phone conversations of them stored in the past. I am not saying he is a saint but this guy is what you call a quiet/laid back individual.Neither am i saying she is the devil. I listened to their conversation which was recorded in court recently and could hear the judge say to the wife that at the end of the day she will regret all her actions. Everyone knows all she wants is his money and not willing to submit as a wife.

      Delete
  2. He is still a married man, as long as d divorce isn't final.u love ths man already if not I wld have said be careful not waste ur time staying attached to a man, I advice u court first, believe me going to a man's house as a friend is diff frm courting or marriage.y is he asking for ur hand in marriage? Bcos u will make a good mum for the kids or whot? How do u know he loves u for d right reasons? Abi I missed d courtship part of ths story, pple feel u are his wife doesn't make u hs wife, courtship first pls

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Yes he is still a "married' man. We av bin in a relationship/courted for 2 and a half years. Probably because he feels i will make a good wife to him first.

      Delete
  3. Has he completed his divorce? Sorry to ask o...but did he sleep with your sister? Most of all, are you prepared for the emotional drama of ex-wife, step-kids, your sister? I mean at some point the whole thing has to be awkward between you two though she's married. I dunno, just imagining.

    I suggest you just prepare your mind. If you feel he is not hiding anything from you and you both accept each other the way you both are, then go for it. But dnt allow any loose ends. Sit with him and discuss the details of the union. He should be completely divorced before you tell anyone cos after you tell people, the ball starts rolling faster and before you know it, duh-rah-mah!

    Discuss, the dynamics of your relationship with his kids and the relationship with the ex-wife. Do not assume anything. It's better to be told a lie, than for you to assume a truth which turns out to be a lie...u know wat I mean?

    All za best and don't forget to pray about it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/26/2013

      GBAM u've said it all

      Delete
    2. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Errrmmm..discuss dynamics of my relationship with the kids or wife?? I dont think its my place to do so or what do you think? But i understand and appreciate every other comment you made.

      You know how we women are,the moment your man(who you were not interested in) begins to get attention from another woman,we automatically feel the need to fight back. I had a fantastic relationship with the kids and used spend a lot of time,play games,cook etc with them until they started telling her about me and she was able to deduce that i'm obviously in a relationship with him and then started to poison their mind against me.Like i offer food/sweets and they reject which was not so.

      Delete
    3. Dear poster, I meant, discuss with him the dynamics of the relationship. Not discuss with his wife and kids o...ah! Your business is with him and maybe the kids later. Not the wife. In fact, it's better to just be civil with her when/if you guys meet, the way you'll be civil with a stranger. No more, no less..

      About the kids, dnt worry, they'll come around. When they get older, they'll see that you are not as bad as their mum is trying to paint you. For now, just leave them and dnt offer them things anymore. Because the kind of wife you described, she can use her kids and what you offer them to set you up.

      All the best.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Pray about what? This ahdaisy sef! Shebi uve discussed divorce and adultery in previous post.how can an adulterer go before God and pray to marry someone else's husband, knowing the wife iis still alive. Oh chukwuabiama!

      Delete
    5. Mr/Mrs/Miss Anonymous, pls why not make your own contributions rather than criticizing someone else's own.

      Delete
    6. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    7. Anonymous4/29/2013

      Chommy must u reply??? Drop ur own contribution and move on too. Back to s question. No! Don't accept his proposal!

      Delete
  4. Fisayo Talabi4/26/2013

    I feel you can do better though. Wouldn't you prefer fresh air to drama? It all depends on you though...but I don't think you should muddle yourself in so much controversy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/26/2013

      Thanks Fisayo, u spoke ma mind! Oge

      Delete
    2. Anonymous4/27/2013

      I honestly will prefer fresh air.I'm not a drama queen. I have tried meeting other guys but instead..let me a share a story,i would have gone ahead to marry/date one guy but instead the first time we met he was asking me for money.does that???.who Things like this discourage you. I am not getting any younger.

      Delete
    3. Fisayo Talabi.4/27/2013

      Hmmmm. I understand sis. I know your age but don't want you to get your self into something controversial just because you ccouldn't chill a little longer...I'm not discouraging you from what you wana do but I just personally think a little wait and finding a new person is better than getting married and having the ex wife permanently interfering, tryin to get kids' affection....etc. I hope you get. I have a friend dat met so many crazy guys and now at 32 she got married to "the one". Am sure there are good men...though its not easy. Pray and strategize... Much love.

      Delete
  5. Anonymous4/26/2013

    All I can see is that u have sweetly written ur story, but when issues come u will be tagged a home wrecker. There is too much drama with this man and u seem to have problems getting a man of ur own. He is married, he had a tin wit ur sister, etc. U will not make a trusted friend. That is how I see u.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Thanks dear..I dont know you or anyone here personally to want to write my story sweetly.What do I stand to gain or loose? What do you mean by i wont make a trusted friend?*confused* One who has been out of his matrimonial home for 4years living alone isnt "married" if you ask me

      Delete
  6. Hello Lady,there's too much drama in this situation. Think what your head and not your heart. The guy sef,I have my doubts about him.

    He already has his marriage issues. That aside. You have already concluded that his wife was the cause of their marital Woes abi? No problem.

    Then he had something with your Sister. Now he started something with you,and now has proposed marriage to u. This Guy sounds unstable to me.
    U need to separate yourself from this situation,cus it already looks like its full of drama and somehow messy.

    But if you feel you love this man and u think u can handle the whole situation, get prepared to handle the baggage that will come with him.

    My take? You are 30. You are grown.Think.You need a man that will come to you with fresh air like another commentator said. And even if he is divorced,let him not be someone that u knew the wife,or he dated your sister.

    Be Wise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Thanks dear pls refer to previous comment and feel free to reply.

      Delete
    2. I've read all your responses and I just one more thing to add: PRAY. I'm a firm believer in the power of prayer,its worked too many times for me to think otherwise. This situation is a bit complicated and you need God's guidance.

      God knows the End from the Beginning. Marriage is serious and Life altering. So before taking this step,that is, entering into marriage with this man/any man,seek Gods face.

      Strangers can give Good advice. But its God who knows all and sees all that gives the best guidance and counsel.

      I wish you all the best. And pls don't let your age be the determining factor in decisions u make.

      May God Guide you.

      www.soulspasms.com

      Delete
  7. Anonymous4/26/2013

    I jst read ur post nd really hd no advice 2 giv. Bt i jst visited another blog nd gt somfn 4 u, u cud visit d blog nd click on d topic Y HE WONT MARRY d website of the blog is www.africansweetheart.blogspot.co.uk. Aunty eya hp u wont b upset dt am referrn som1 2 anoda blog i belive she cn use d advice 4rm dat post. Tanx 4rm MITCHELLE

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Sharp babe, c as u take style come advertise your blog 4 hia.

      Delete
  8. Well, I want to believe that the both of you are matured. People make mistakes and you don't have to dwell in the past you may jst need it 4 references. That said, you shld court your man and inform your sis, she may have some useful info smtin you may need to know. Also, discuss with his children sincerely help them understand that you are not replacing them(I hope they like you).in the end, I think we all deserve to be happy and if u make each other happy y not. There are some opportunities that just won't repeat itself. Above all PRAY make sure its the will of God

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Well said Ada,many thanks.pls refer to my response to Ahdaisy

      Delete
  9. Popess4/26/2013

    but divorcing ur wife to marry another....except on grounds of adultery (if this is the case) is not God's will.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't know for sure if she commited adultery I'm not saying the man is a saint but sometimes the women too are not always right. Like I know a woman that beats up her husband. Its just a two way thing.her story must not be the same with every other person's story. Justsaying#

      Delete
  10. opeoluwa4/27/2013

    When pple divorce now they blame d wife,the husbands r always good n pple like u will join d hubby so dat u can reap where u did nt sow. My advice, even if u don't suffer d consequences of marrying another person's hubby, ur children will. Wait for ur own cos its nt by age o bt by the Grace of God.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      Thanks..you are missing the point here..I didn't know this man when he was married to his wife/living with her.My children will not suffer any consequence because their mum did not break up a home. Just pray you don't find yourself in such a situation/worse.Amen

      Delete
    2. Shayor4/27/2013

      Dear Poster, I'm stiil searching for the reason y u brought this matter here. From ur responses to every comment here, I can deduce that u av made up your mind to marry him. You av already-made answers to justify ur act in all ur responses. You are obviously prepared to face anytin, and u mention stuff abt ur age, I'm thinking dt's d major tin bothering u. But I av seen 35yr old ladies getting married to single girls or divorcee wif less drama dan urs. I'd suggest to take dis matter to God in prayers not here cos u already av ur answers. Nothing we say here can change ur mind. Prayer is d key darling. God can make a substitute rib fit into d place of d real rib. #ifugetwhatimean#

      Delete
    3. chubby ELLA4/27/2013

      Shayor darlyn....prayer is nt d key bt one of d keys. D WORD OF GOD IS D KEY.

      Delete
    4. Shayor4/27/2013

      Very true Ella, I hope she understands sha!

      Delete
  11. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Thank you all for your comments.Will try to respond to some of them if network permits.Please keep your comments coming.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Elisoft4/27/2013

    Dear poster, I'd advise you go for it as soon as divorce is finalnised. Discuss with all parties involved - d man in question, his children and your sister. U hve no buisness discussing with the wife once divorce is completed.
    I want you to realise that our destinies are different. That some other people cannot cope with this situation does not mean you will not cope. That is if there will be any drama sef as long as you sort things before you go ahead with the marriage.
    The man may not be perfect but everyone has a right to be happy- the man and you inclusive.
    Forget about what you think people will say as long as you have done in right thing before entering the home. People will always talk
    Above all, pray about it and have peace within yourself before you commit.
    All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Johnson4/27/2013

    Some questions you need to ask yourself:
    1. If you were much younger (22 – 25years), would you be contemplating taking this step?
    2. What strategies do you have to manage the children, especially with their mum’s interference?
    3. What does he really want from you – a wife, nanny, bedmate, or a tool to fight back at his wife (especially if you are prettier and more sophisticated)? And what are you also looking for in him?
    4. Would he be ready to wait for you (say by 1 more year); or would he be quick to go for another? Why hurry when the divorce is not through?
    5. Are you prepared for what stones people will throw at you (consequences of marrying a divorcee with children) – the stones will come…?
    6. Are both of you spiritually prepared for the battles that might come ahead?
    7. Have you prayed through and what conviction do you have?
    If your peace is still there, there’s a higher likelihood God will support you. Of course, this is a function of your (and his) relationship with Christ.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #Gbam#Good questions. Dats if she wuldnt come n reply cus she seems 2 know everytin instead of her 2 sit think and digest all dis advice.

      Delete
  14. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Wrong move boo! Anyone who has had sexual knowledge of your sibling shouldn't be a candidate for anything remotely close to that for you. It is WRONG on all levels and I can smell trouble in the future. He will see nothing wrong in sleep with your friend even your mom sef. But then again you knew he had been with your sister and you still went there. Birds of same feathers? We are bound to be attracted to people ww sometimes have no business having such feelings for but we have the right of choice. You can be attracted to your sister's husband fact! But it doesn't mean you should act on it. That is what we call conscience, morals, respect. I am bothered by the way you speak of his wife. You should spend more time finding out his contribution to that her "anger". I will advice you don't accept his proposal and end that relationship. It will be hard but your future will thank you for it later.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Someone rightly said that the bible allows divorce only in d case of adultery. if a christian marries a divorcee or divorces someone due to other grave reasons (not adultery) isn't that wrong? I dunno sha. Just asking

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Popess4/27/2013

      Yes its wrong. D only ground is adultery. Even the adultery I feel that's if you can't forgive...+r if you can forgive but can't live with it

      Delete
  16. Hi dear, I know there's a strong emotional attachment with this man. In as much as you both love each other and have dated for 2.5years, I think u should take some time off to think and pray. Remember that now he might be so sweet but after marriage u don't know how he'd really be. He has kids already, so that's not what he's looking for. The ex-wife is still alive and this is Naija so be prepared spiritually. It wouldn't be a bad idea to settle down with someone without an ex- wife, kids, and a past relationship with your sister. Is he the only guy. Pls ask your sincere friends and the Holy spirit for counsel

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Malachi 2:16 - I hate divorce says the Lord God of Israel . i don't know the God you serve, but that is what the Most High God said. My dear if you read up from verse 13 of that bible chapter your to be husband will be affected by adverse circumstances because he has been separated by the wife of his marriage covenant.
    Matthew 5:32....Jesus teaches about divorce.
    I am giving you biblical advice that will help you......Be wise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/27/2013

      My sis I'm sure ur a catholic cos its only catholics that take d divorce stuff seriously. Pple just say watever they want to justify their wrong. Even d bible they r quoting here sayin a man can divorce based on adultry did u read wat Jesus told them wen they said that.pple just read d bible n stop whr they feel is convinient 4 them. My advise stay away frm dat man wat god has put together no court on earth can distroy.

      Delete
  18. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Aunty Eya...I sent u a mail since wit d caption 'I hate his people and dey hate me too' pls help me post it. I need advise...tnx!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your mail is not in my box. Please try and resend ok?

      Delete
  19. Anonymous4/27/2013

    The Poster's Story is very clear to the point.
    1- the man knew her Sister probably when she was SINGLE, now the Sister is happily married, hence that severes every other emotional ties with the man.
    2- the poster is Planning Marriage with the man, which 'll only be enacted after the divorce proceeding has been completed.
    3- it is safe 2 assume that both parties grew emotionally attached to each other over time (2yrs+), thats enough time span for them to knw each other very well.
    4- both Parties are Adults n could Best take care of their affairs like matured minds.
    5- she already know's what happened to the ex-wife for behaving the way she did, hence I 'll argue that the Poster must be confident that she could do better or face same fate as the ex.

    My questions to the Poster are:
    are You prepared to take care of his Kids as though they were yours?
    Are You sure U can comfortably relax in his house knowing he is a Divorcee. Won't the thoughts of his ex-wife being out there taunt U?
    Do U think you are ready to commit ur life to him n his Kids in Joy, happiness n Laughter of Marital bliss? If your answers to the above questions are 'YES'. Then Woman, PRAY fervently 4 Divine guidance n go for it. The Cake is yours. This is the humble Opinion of a bachealor, feel free to Differ.
    VALENTINE.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous4/27/2013

    The Poster's Story is very clear to the point.
    1- the man knew her Sister probably when she was SINGLE, now the Sister is happily married, hence that severes every other emotional ties with the man.
    2- the poster is Planning Marriage with the man, which 'll only be enacted after the divorce proceeding has been completed.
    3- it is safe 2 assume that both parties grew emotionally attached to each other over time (2yrs+), thats enough time span for them to knw each other very well.
    4- both Parties are Adults n could Best take care of their affairs like matured minds.
    5- she already know's what happened to the ex-wife for behaving the way she did, hence I 'll argue that the Poster must be confident that she could do better or face same fate as the ex.

    My questions to the Poster are:
    are You prepared to take care of his Kids as though they were yours?
    Are You sure U can comfortably relax in his house knowing he is a Divorcee. Won't the thoughts of his ex-wife being out there taunt U?
    Do U think you are ready to commit ur life to him n his Kids in Joy, happiness n Laughter of Marital bliss? If your answers to the above questions are 'YES'. Then Woman, PRAY fervently 4 Divine guidance n go for it. The Cake is yours. This is the humble Opinion of a bachealor, feel free to Differ.
    VALENTINE.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Saying yes to him is not ma problem here, How ll U handle step kids n x wife? been a product of a similar situation I can tell U its not easy, growing up we add troubles U don't want to wish upon ur enemies , attacks both spiritually N physically even dou ma father was never married to d other woman dey add a child together n broke up years b4 my dad met n wed ma mum, sis we saw hell n dat woman made our life Hell, it might not happen to U but pls if U re not spiritually sound don't ,cos some women wen dey can kEep him dey won't let u av him in peace, b sure N I wish U Luck. OYIN.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Almost every angle to this story has been covered but one question I'd like the OP to address, and which several pple have asked is this:

    did this man have a sexual relationship with ur sis, and if so doesn't that matter to you?

    www.virtuosity19.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. Another question:
    Assuming this guy had married ur sis and she turned out to be the soon-to-be ex-wife, would u be this keen to marry him?

    Sorry but the idea of 2 sisters 'knowing' the same man is just unthinkable to me.
    Are u the only females in his circle? Doesn't he himself feel 'somehow' about it?

    Hmmm...just calling it the way I see it!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous4/27/2013

    My dear I advice you not to marry him because you might be ranging a war and biblically its wrong don't know if your a christian just don't do it,it doesn't seem right.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous4/27/2013

    How can u even think of accepting a proposal from someone who has dated/slept with ur sister? I won't advise you to go ahead. God will provide your own man for you. Marrying a divorcee with children is like seeing trouble and putting your head. Trust me cos I know wat am talking about. My mum married my dad 7yrs after he divorced bringing his two sons who are way much older than us. My mum nearly had HBP during the marriage introduction of one of my half brothers cos she didn't go with them but their mum was there. Its not the best I'll tell you. Anyways best of luck with whateva you decide to do.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Anonymous4/27/2013

    Seems you(poster) have the answers already. you are justifying every action, and u have an answer for every doubt expressed.

    Why are u here? U don't want advice,u want support.and u don't want to listen to any contrary opinion.

    So my dear,Go ahead and marry ur boo. Its ur life afterall. I'll save my words for one who really needs it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love ur response dear. This is exactly how I feel. She wants support rather than constructive advice from us. I wish you the best at the end.

      Delete
  27. Anonymous4/28/2013

    Yes, I noticed that the poster responded to almost every question except: Did the man and your sister have a sexual relationship?

    The fact that she didn't answer that question tells me that it is likely he had sex with her sister.

    For a lot of people, his having sex with your sister will be a deal-breaker. If it isn't for you, then fine, be with him.

    This your situation is just too much drama lurking: ex-wife, several kids, pending divorce, sister's relationship with your future hubby. AWKWARD all the way around.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I kind of agree with some of the comments i have read, it seems to me too that the poster has kind of made up her mind on what she really wants to do considering some of her responses. Personally i feel u should not have a relationship with a guy ur sister dated/may have had sexual relations with. That alone is a good enough reason not to marry this guy and like most people observed u diplomatically have not answered that question. Is your sister even aware of this relationship? You and not the guy should talk to her about it and hear what she has to say cos i believe she may be in a better position to give u an unbiased opinion about this man since she once dated him, so please have a heart to heart with ur sister and let us know what her own opinion is. Also if u did not like the stuff you went through when u were growing up then i suggest u think again and choose a different path cos u seem to be steering urself in that direction. I judge u not! but i honestly pray u listen to the head and not just ur heart. Good luck cos u sure will need it if u decide to marry dis guy and all his drama. Remember as we make our bed so we lay in it.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous4/29/2013

    All d best in wotever decision u finally take! All d commenters have really did justices to issues (questions) for ur guideline. God helping u. One more thing, can u geninuely take care of d kids if paradventure, there's a delay in ur conception (God forbid). Knowing fully well that he isn't kooking 4 kids. Can he standby u @ such time?
    EIS

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous4/29/2013

    All d best in wotever decision u finally take! All d commenters have really did justices to issues (questions) for ur guideline. God helping u. One more thing, can u geninuely take care of d kids if paradventure, there's a delay in ur conception (God forbid). Knowing fully well that he isn't kooking 4 kids. Can he standby u @ such time?
    EIS

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Click on the pictures to make them bigger.
Feel free to email us with comments, suggestions, recipe ideas, or pretty much anything!
Contact Email: cuulme@gmail.com

Most comments are by other blog readers. Always seek Professional Help First.
“As an Amazon Associate I earn a little commission when you shop from links placed on this blog.”

SHARE THIS POST

RELATED

SHOP HERE