My Husband Tries To Make Me Look Bad

Hello Eya,
Please I need your advise on how to handle a little family hiccup. I just realized that my husband is trying so hard to win our children to himself. While I
try my best to be fair, to let kids be kids and not try to let them in when we have our disagreements, hubby does the opposite. When he wants to give me anything, he does it in their presence and I feel he is trying to make them believe that he is very good to me. Meanwhile privately, he is stingy, selfish, rude and sometimes nasty.

Recently, I decided to stop complaining to him when the kids misbehave because he will say nothing and do nothing.  I got married very early and looking at me, no one would believe I have a teenage daughter, my daughter is so big she looks like a younger sister. Lately, she has become kind of disrespectful to me, although I think it's part of the growing up, I still think  it can be controlled and controlled even better if both parents do it together. Whenever I report her to her father, he calls her to his room and they have a long talk. In his absence, I try to find out what the long talk is all about and in almost all cases, it is him advising her only, with no form of scolding whatsoever, and trying to make it seem like he is a very good, loving and caring person. What about me? Am I bad for trying to be firm?

My daughter was asked by her grandfather to say who her favorite parent is and from the kitchen I could hear her say that her father is her favorite. To my face, all except one have told me they don't like me, it's their father they like. Right now I feel like going on a vacation all alone and leaving them with their short tempered daddy to see how they will manage themselves. I want them to realize they can't do without me. Will it be wrong to just travel out all alone or go somewhere for at least a week to make them realize they cannot do without me in that house. I want my children to know that their CNN and Supersports loving Daddy cannot leave his "world Reports or 'Inside Africa" in the morning to go cook breakfast for them.

Eya, I fear I'm losing all our children to  their father. I don't want to be lonely in the future, please help me. How do I win back their love?
Judith.

Comments

  1. Fun Loving Mom4/11/2013

    Same story here, hubby never scolds the children but expects me to do all the correcting and taming.

    Rather than me report to him, he reports them to me.
    Will continue to check back for advice on how to deal with this

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loll! Girls are always closer to their dads though....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/11/2013

      My dad all d way!!!! Now I hv a daughter, it's d same thing, I've been relegated. I don't mind, it's my daughter, no need to feel jealous or bad. Even in my house, we all prefer my dad. Loved his discipline style, but it is d way our mother rough handled us that made me d woman I am, but my father built d confidence, self esteem and provided for d person I have become.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous11/25/2013

      "The" is the word. It doesn't seem like either sent you to school for a decent education

      Delete
  3. Anonymous4/11/2013

    I suggest u go on a vacation for at least 2weeks. They need to see their dad is not so perfect and appreciate all that you for them. Please don't stop being firm, if they don't appreciate you now some day they will and talk to your husband both of you have to work as a TEAM cos that's what you are. It is totally wrong for you to discipline the kids and he makes you appear mean before them, some day if they don't turn out well he will also blame you for that. So please do what's best for your kids. Don't forget that vacation, u need it, they will beg u to come back. All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  4. yea. go on that vacation!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous4/11/2013

    Vacation approved!!! Lol!
    Keep being a good parent, they will appreciate it in due time!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous4/11/2013

    I think you should take the vacation make i see how long his fake concern for them will last. 2 weeks will do. When you are out don't call every day o just once once but make sure the have your contacts in case if emergency but when you come back don't try to rub it in that you are a better parent o that will be playing the man's low game. Buy stuff for them you know the like. Above all keep being firm it's for their good. Remember that even the bible says that a good child is the father's pride and a bad child is the heartache of the mum. Don't worry you daughter will appreciate later, I'm a living witness. Wishing you the best.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You already answered ur question. Abeg go on a vacation. Give yourself peace. Have a nice long holiday, eat, sleep, enjoy yourself! If you feel too guilty, take the one who says he/she likes you along. I hope it's your youngest. But if they have like school and stuff, go alone and enjoy yourself. Sometimes, mothers need to take a break. Dnt allow ur daughter to go free when she misbehaves, no matter what. Cos in the end, people will still blame you.

    I remember when my mum traveled for a while, see my dad packing and decorating our hair for school. He would cook lunch for us before leaving the house, after packing our school snacks for us.

    Warning: Depending on how your husband acts, the vacation might end up making them closer...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! I like the last sentence you typed Ada, I wanted to warn her too that the vacation might make them closer ooo! He might start taking them to restaurants, playing more with them and all. So my dear, be careful. Also, handle them the way he handles them too since you know his strategy. Show him that 2 can play that game of his.

      Delete
  8. In military, hacking into the enemies plan and strategy is a way of winning and countering major disasters and battles... America did it against the Japanese and it worked, counter hacking was a major strategy between the british and german intelligence during the second world war.

    In essence, what I'm saying is that, adopt his style, it's even good you don't need to hack, you already know his strategy.

    Try to remember, while you were growing did you love to be scolded? NO, I believe. For almost all your kids to have preferred their dad show's that you must have been too harsh on them. If you noticed, children of military parents who even grew up in a barracks or even children of pastors end up the social bad kid an example is the mopol 22 barracks that produces most of the bike-robbers in GRA ikeja, the Ojo barrack kids also was a menace for those who have lived around Ojo would attest.

    So, slow down on your stance with them, dialogue with them often rather than being hostile, stop the jealousy cos 2 parents cannot adopt same approach if not you'll loose your kids to the streets.

    Lastly, if you leave that house hoping they won't survive without you, trust me they will, they will even jubilate the moment you step out, they'll do chores like never before, their dad will even force them to watch their choice TV program without interference. Sadly you'll return into a hostile condition, meaning; you already added fuel to a burning bush.

    Nuff'said
    Bye!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @ace u ve said it all.best comment

      Delete
    2. creamberry4/11/2013

      I totally agree with ace

      Delete
  9. kendra4/11/2013

    Before u travel,ask ur self what will ur hubby do? Will he try to please them when u are away? Will he do all the things u do just for them to be on his side? Will he end up winning them closely to himself? Will he take care of them more than u did or not? Will they be better of with him? What if harm comes to them?

    Its good for a wife to have self vacation once in a while but not under the reason u trying to do it for.. Cos u might come back to children who missed u or who didn't. Children who learnt there lesson or didn't. So before u travel,settle ur home,sit ur hubby down and talk to him calmly about it,when the children are asleep,maybe when he's craving for sex,slip it in before sex,cos he won't listen after sex... Then when u calm things down between ur both,agree to be a team cos that's what parenting is about,one person can get it right all the time.. When u notice a little change with the way he handles the kids,run away to a very chill spot for a week or 2,when u come home,the kids wouldn't want u far from them

    Just my tots tho

    ReplyDelete
  10. Acebentley raised some points i agree with (@acebentley..u are on point today..lol)
    As much as u deserve that vacation, i think 2 wks is too much for u to leave them..they will survive without u... ur kids will do their chores well cos ur hubby will motivate them by indulging them with more TV time, more treats etc.
    I will suggest that u just take few days off to calm ur frayed nerves and relax ur mind, then come back with peace in ur mind and a new strategy in dealing with ur brood.
    create an environment with ur kids where u get to talk to them abt everything they do wrong and how it is ur job as a parent n mum to steer them and guide them, coupled with lots of hugs and other forms of physical expressions of ur love for them. tell them also how they have to be disciplined if they err also.pls do this from time to time.
    pls do not hesitate to discipline them if they err, in time they will learn to know that if they err, that the consequence wil follow and if they do very nice things too, encomiums will follow. in time they will learn to respect n love u even more.
    This may go a long way.
    Take care n God will guide u.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous4/11/2013

    i was very close to my dad so close that my mum was not happy at all. My dad never scolded us and always make himself looks great. We loved our dad and werent so great with our mum. Now that am married, i love my mum to death becos now i realise what it means to be a mother and a wife. All d things my mum told me then, is coming to me now and nowadays i call my mum everyday and my dad once in a while. I have a daughter now and sometimes feels jealous wen he put her first before me and now i knew how my mum felt back then. So my dear, dont worry. Just do ur best and forget d rest. It will all come back to u someday. Wen d are older, d will love u more than u can ever imagine.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Even though I support your taking a vacation, it could be counter-productive in the sense that your children might become closer to him the more. Few days will do and like someone suggested, take the one that likes you along since schools have closed for the session.

    You teenage daughter may prefer her dad now but when she becomes a woman, she will cherish you like you can ever imagine.

    Have you ever had an intimate conversation with your husband about the way he behaves to you in front of the children? Parental affairs should be off limits to children.

    Whatever happened between you two shouldn't exceed the walls of your bedroom. He should leave the children out of it; he's married to you and not them!

    One mummy I know said that whenever she and her husband had a disagreement, they would call their 1st two children(girl & boy) to wade into the matter. They continued doing this until the children told them to leave them out of their matter.

    Your husband is ignoring one of the fundamentals of parenting: never, ever belittle the authority of one before the children. Any parent who does this will make the other lose value in the eyes of the children.

    Your children should see that you both are united in how you train and groom them. This is very important but most people ignore this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. In addition to that, how does your husband treat you in front of families and friends? Does he belittle you in their presence also?

    I just hope he won't be a husband who would easily believe false report said about you by outsiders. Please don't forget pray for favour and your marriage; once you are favoured, you become the delight of everyone around you. It is well.

    ReplyDelete
  14. In addition to that, how does your husband treat you in front of families and friends? Does he belittle you in their presence also?

    I just hope he won't be a husband who would easily believe false report said about you by outsiders. Please don't forget pray for favour and your marriage; once you are favoured, you become the delight of everyone around you. It is well.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous4/11/2013

    Hmmm...it's normal for a parent to be loved the more. Miss poster, one thing you must understand is that maturity comes with age. Ur kids are inexperienced, so it's not out of place that they'll prefer their father's mode of training other than yours. While I was growing, I preferred my dad simply because he tolerated my misdeeds but my mother never relented. She continued to be the "thatcher" in the house and soon, my dad gave up but gradually, she lost my kid brother to my doctrines of my father but today, my dad never stops complaining abt his misbehaviors. However, I'm most grateful that my mother never relented in her unending corrections. Miss poster, my advice to you is this: Never relent, let them hate u now but trust me, they'll come to appreciate and love u tomorrow if you do d right thing. The mistake many a woman makes is trying to find friendship in their children and forgetting to lead them to right path. All the best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous4/11/2013

    Hmmm...it's normal for a parent to be loved the more. Miss poster, one thing you must understand is that maturity comes with age. Ur kids are inexperienced, so it's not out of place that they'll prefer their father's mode of training other than yours. While I was growing, I preferred my dad simply because he tolerated my misdeeds but my mother never relented. She continued to be the "thatcher" in the house and soon, my dad gave up but gradually, she lost my kid brother to my doctrines of my father but today, my dad never stops complaining abt his misbehaviors. However, I'm most grateful that my mother never relented in her unending corrections. Miss poster, my advice to you is this: Never relent, let them hate u now but trust me, they'll come to appreciate and love u tomorrow if you do d right thing. The mistake many a woman makes is trying to find friendship in their children and forgetting to lead them to right path. All the best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous4/11/2013

    My marriage is just eight months and I'm still trying to conceive.some doctors say I've had two miscarriages,others say there was never pregnancy,just hormonal imbalance.Hubby has been in lagos for six months and we saw once in two months.he is fully back now but problem is in less than two weeks,I've caught him gisting with strange girls on phone,I come in and he quickly deletes the call.first one he said it was an ex girl friend who wasn't yet aware of his new status and he wanted to tell her in a condusive way so as not to allow us have more enemies since we are still waiting on God for kids.I be mumu? Told him I wasn't dumb o,we had a hot quarrel,he begged and promised to change.STORY!caught him last night,am so devastated but keeping my cool,few words and keeping to myself.If I wasn't a christian I would have divorced because like I told him b4 now,I find it hard to forgive infidelity,may remain in the relationship but my mind won't be in it.problem now is how do I do same in marriage?I'm so confused,angry and depressed

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/12/2013

      Get Aunty Eya permission to post this, when she opens a thread for u, then we can try to advise! Let us answer this poster first!

      Delete
    2. mrs andrews4/13/2013

      Wooooooh,my dear,there are beta ways 2 address pipo.there are no babies here so quit d use of exclamation marks cos ure bin very rude.well,d lady in question should learn from your rudeness n cry 2 God instead of men.I had same issues and instead of talking 2 friends,I handed my husband 2 God and 2day we are best friends n lovers. Mind how u talk 2 pipo cos most of them are probably depressed and not thinking.Prayer works and should be your best option.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous4/13/2013

      She probably wasn't trying to be rude,just saying though

      Delete
    4. mrs andrew4/13/2013

      Very funny.I guess ure d writer of dat comment so won't bother arguing with you.hav a nice day

      Delete
    5. Prayer changes things.I agree with you.I too do not believe in discussing issues with people because my mum says God and family should be your best option.after all said,mrs Andrew some people just do not know how to pass information the right way,she may not have meant to be rude.Our sister,please send a mail to aunty Eya,that should be your best option if you must share with this blog

      Delete
    6. Anonymous4/13/2013

      Thans guys,I shouldn't have put out my problem here in the first place.I feel better now and will seek the face of God

      Delete
    7. Why are we so rude and harsh on her? Not fair pls.

      Delete
  18. Dear Judith
    I understand how you feel... I was really close with my dad and he never scolded me. This pissed my mum off to no end. Lol.
    But guess what? Today I appreciate the firmness my mother raised me with. Its helped me so much and we're so close now! I always tell her that if my dad alone had raised me I'd me worse than spoilt.
    The one thing I wish she did, especially when I was a teenager, was to talk to me like an adult.
    So here's what I advise, take your first girl out. You guys have a mother-daughter bonding time. It could be just for lunch or maybe the spa or beach or something. Talk to her about why you feel the need to be strict with her.
    Don't paint her father bad as this will only make her more distant. But explain to her how much you love her and how you don't want to make any mistakes raising her. You guys have a heart to heart.
    Then do the same for the other kids as well. I'm sure there'll be a difference.
    All the very best!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous4/12/2013

    A week will do my dear,how long will daddy kip buying food.

    ReplyDelete
  20. sexy Booty4/13/2013

    Eya,quit commenting as anonymous because it is kinda obvious when you do.Talk nicely to people,that's the best advise for you cause you are a married woman and should know what marriage is.For all those who want to ask her advise,send mails and avoid insult from toads.Tot married women were more matured but from this blog,we young girls seem more mature

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Sexy Booty, is this comment truly from you or someone using your name?

      Delete

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