My Husband Has Refused Dad's Scholarship, What Can I Do?

Aunty eya,I really thank you for opening a blog like this where women both single and married come to share their experiences. 
Anyway,I'm a
young lady approaching her late 20's,I've been married for 7yrs with 3 children.I graduated from the university 7yrs ago too that was in 2006,and same year I got married. 

Since then I've not worked or earned anything for myself outside what my husband gives me which most times it's not enough, or I'm being denied when the family demands are high.I'm an intelligent lady from a well to do home,and within me I feel I've not achieved enough educationally because I have always had the intentions of doing my masters and all,I have also been searching for a job and have been turned down so many times because I didn't meet up with requirements and stuff.

So, I discussed it with my husband and he accepted,but that I have to do it in Nigeria here which I also accepted, but from the look of things he can't afford that for me,so I went ahead to talk to my parents and my dad accepted to sponsor me which I was happy about but my husband refused.

Now, I'm confused cos I don't know if he wants me to just be the housewife I have been for 7yrs, my younger ones are all abroad and doing well and I'm the 1st child and also I need to start something early enough for the future of my kids and myself should anything happen along the line I will have something to fall back on.

My parents came up with another idea of me going abroad for some months to do my masters so it could help boost my CV,now I don't know how to present it to my husband,I really want to go with my kids cos there's no one to leave them with here, I'm confused,pls, if I can get ideas and opinions from the house, I will be glad so as to know the next step to take. 
Mrs Barry.

Comments

  1. Anonymous4/16/2013

    They will advise u to pray, talk to ur husband and follow his lead! If he says no cus of his ego, continue being a housewife and keep praying. Well my dear, u shld hav raised d issue of being a housewife or working before u two got married! If he loves u enuf to allow u improve and be something otherwise being e.g mike'swife or john's mum

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  2. Anonymous4/16/2013

    U just av to find a way of talking your hubby into allowing you to go futher in your education.u reali nid to start doin somethin,for how long do u want to depend on your husband.
    Aunty Eya,I sent something into ur e.mail box,u haven't posted it.

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  3. My hubby wl quickly accept d offer,as long as he s not d one t foot d bills.his ego no reach dt side wen it comes t awufu. D only situation dt his ego tks total control of him is terms of borrowing money...he cn neva do dt no matter d condition.
    Keep talking t him,giving him reasons y he sld comply,bu dnt force or abuse him cos it might worsen d case.gudluck

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ****Mufasa Said4/17/2013

      HILARIOUS!!! @ ur awufu story!! LMAO!

      ****Mufasa Said

      Delete
  4. Well, you have to pray and really talk to him very well. But if he doesn't agree, pls look for a bizness to do. Nowadays no be by book o. If you even want to have time for your kids, some kind of jobs wudnt be good for you. So, being an intelligent lady, pls look for how to create wealth for urself, since ultimately money it the issue.

    But pls, dnt disobey your husband. You had a choice while single, now you're married, you dnt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. she had a choice while single now shes married she doesnt so she should throw her dreams away abi?? You know I often read you comments sometimes and you have a way of making people feel like there is a fullstop in their life or somefin??

      She says she wants education she wants a life for herself and your advise is "Now she's married she has no choice" o ga ohh..yes no be by book and yes she has to put her children into consideration but marriage and kids shouldnt make her throw away something that she thinks will give her fulfillment in life

      There are loads of young people out there frustrated, depressed and sad because they are not happy,because they feel empty and unfulfilled not because of money as you have shallowly put it "Ultimately money is the Issue" NOT!

      She wants achievement and not to tell her she has no choice.

      and I just said my opinion about your comment so do not think of coming after me with idle comments or insults don't even think about it!

      to the poster please follow your dreams to the best of your ability,pray for GOD's direction,Your Husband loves you and he should love you to progress so hopefully he will change his mind soon..

      And Aunty Eya no food again ni??

      Delete
    2. Babe, free me na! I have told her my own. All ur 'dnt come after me' is so uncalled for. Abi you are looking for by force drama? Pls, I dnt want a repeat of what happened in 1825 so you can oppose my opinion without sounding like I am one troublemaker who goes about looking for who to give bad advice, quarrel with or attack, and no need to refer to my previous comments. If you did not address it when it was made, leave it behind. Abi, have you ever seen me attacking anybody's comment? Except the person adds my name or directs it at me.

      We are all adults here (or so I assume) so you can oppose me without insulting, threatening or even replying me. Yes, you can just reply the poster directly and tell her that she does have a choice. No, you must no go after me. I am sayin this for other commenters to see. That way we prevent any future cat-fights.

      That said, yes while you are single, you have the choice of doing or achieving whatever you want to but once you are married, you have to do what ur husband says you shud as long as it is not in disobedience to the word of God. I put that last line so that she'll know that disobeying her husband or maybe doing things behind him is wrong cos dat's usually the next option. Also it's for single ladies to know that now is the time to do what they can do or have an agreement with their fiances on what they hope to do later after marriage. Try and discuss everything down to details of how you'll raise ur kids. Dnt assume anything. Assumption is the mother of all mess-ups.

      Also, my first paragraph was dedicated to telling her how to get what she wants and how to go around it if she doesn't get it. So, read it again and know if ur comment was really called for. She herself said she wanted to further her education so she can get a job and have something to fall on if anything happens. She even gave the premise of not earning anything since they got married, not having enough money, having even less when they have to meet the children's needs and all. So SHE made it about money 'as I am shallowly putting it" again. So read her post again and tell me if ur comment is still called for.

      And to all ur questions, yes now she is married, there are some things she has to sacrifice. You cannot be married and expect to get everything you want. There must be times of compromise however painful it can be. Except you marry a man who wants for you exactly what you want for yourself. That's why it's advised to marry a man who has as much oneness of heart with you as possible.

      Dear poster, pls I am not trying to discourage you or make you feel ur life is over. I am also a married woman. I am just keeping it real with you babe. All za best...

      @ Shallie, so long...have a great week.

      Delete
    3. My GOD Adhaisy why this epistle biko almost gave me a headache u said somefin i disagreed and dont come at me was to avoid long epistles like this which you have written again

      And about looking for drama aint Nobody got time for that mehn 24hrs aint even enough in a day to now have time to start drama.

      I can Address what i want whenever i please thats why this blog is interactive and u saying "we are Adults or so I assume" are you trying to say something there?? I never Insulted you or threatened you you are the one who has just subtly Insulted me and yes i can reply u mate thats why there is a reply button ok?

      As a matter of fact ild try not to even reply your comment sef cos ur epistle gave me a bit of a headache

      So Goodluck to you..

      Delete
    4. And about If my comment is called for or not its my Opinion and I have a right to state it just like you stated yours..

      Delete
    5. Ok Shallie, I have noticed you. You may go back to ur not enuff 24 hrs in which you have to time to reply and re-reply me.

      Delete
    6. waohhhh you are so simply shallow minded what do you mean you have noticed me?? Who are you that I will want you to notice me..Gosh!! So you are feeling like what?? youre very very silly for your last comment carry on this is the point where I ignore you..

      Delete
    7. Anonymous4/18/2013

      Whoa whoa ladies can talk ooo.....

      Delete
    8. Perfect! if you had ignored me from the start, by now, we'd have been done with this post. Gosh! Women and their wahala. No wonder men see us as something else. I avoid women issues as much as possible in my daily dealings. Most people around me see me as quiet, cnt hurt a fly cos I decided to live my life that way but no, I dnt take rubbish and I fear no one.

      I made a point, instead of you to disagree with my point like a normal person shud, you started flipping out on me, warning me not to even think of coming after you. When I saw that part, I was like, have I ever quarreled with this person before? Who are you and who are you about to be that'll you'll just come after me like that?

      Yes, you want me to notice you cos a ton of people below essentially made the same point with me, someone even said he cud see a 'Lillian/Ezinne' scenario about to happen. But NOOO! You dint go after them, it's Ahdaisy the one with the blog and profile that you decided to attack. You dint even give the poster clear advice but you dedicated ur time to me. No be notice me be dat? I even took my time to explain to you my point, even went ahead to wish you a great week so as to show you I dnt have any hard feelings. But NOOO! You want by force controversy. Well you have gotten it, why are you now tearing ur pant?

      I said 'we are all adults here, or so I assume' cos anyone has an access to this blog and I recall a kid posting a question here about her mum and her room. But Bam! To you, there was more to what I said. You cudnt take what I said as what I said , you had to look for a deeper below-the-surface, insult-intended meaning... Abeg park very well joo. Dnt even annoy me. U think you can go around talking anyhow and expect me to quietly take it. I told you, YOU DONT HAVE TO REPLY ME. That a reply botton is there dnt mean squat! I hardly reply people's comments. And if I do, it's not because I disagree with them. You can take some time out of ur not enough 24 hrs and check all previous posts.

      If I like lemme type a billion words, there is enuff space for it. It's my device, it's my finger, it's my time. U are not feeding me, you are not my boss, I did not complain that I need money or time. U must not read it! But of course you will. You are entitled to my opinion and I am entitled to mine. So if you reply me, I will reply you. No one will cane me. My advice to anyone on this blog, is and never will be by force. So give ur advice and move on.

      I am not feeling like anything. I am me. I dnt care who you are, I say my mind (as politely as I can), then I move on. If you dnt want it that way, I will gladly change it for you!

      U also better dnt dream of replying me cos I am ready for you now. What you want is what you get! Mscheeeeuw! Tufia!

      Delete
  5. My dear now u're married and ur parents opinion matters d least,the onlything u could do is to talk to him,persuade him and make him see reasons with u.
    I know the way women talk,maybe u've been going about it rudely. Try do it lovenly,its an ego thing here,no man will gladly jumpon the offer immediately,but letting him know d benefits dat accrues his family will go a long way.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

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  6. Johnson4/16/2013

    The first thing you need to do is have a heart 2 heart talk with your husband on furthering your education. Get him to do more of the talking in order to get his opinion. At the end, you would better understand his views on the issue...
    I am aware there are foreign post-graduate studies that are done via distance learning and you only travel to write the exams - you need to have several options ready.
    Personally, as a professional, I believe what you need most is to get a job. Your parents should channel their effort in helping you secure a career here rather than sponsor an overseas trip. With a job, you will be more ready to know the right post-graduate program best suited for you. Maybe what you need is a professional certification - that makes you truely professional rather than an academician! Abi you no hear say PHD holders apply as drivers for DANGOTE?
    My sister, going by the time you graduated, I agree you must be aharp. A masters degree does not guaranty a job. I would rather employ an OND holder with ICAN and good knowldge of accounting software than a masters degree holder in accounting with limited experience...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Johnson4/16/2013

      I mean you must be sharp...

      Delete
  7. My hubby wl quickly accept d offer,as long as he s not d one t foot d bills.his ego no reach dt side wen it comes t awufu. D only situation dt his ego tks total control of him is terms of borrowing money...he cn neva do dt no matter d condition.
    Keep talking t him,giving him reasons y he sld comply,bu dnt force or abuse him cos it might worsen d case.gudluck

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous4/16/2013

    What do you need school for? Ehen? To get a job to get MONEY. What are you good at that could make money? Sewing? Cooking? Organising events? Hair? Makeup? At least, start from here, you are not a stark illiterate. You already have a degree. You just need a little capital to start something at least ths way you can still be with your family while making money. If hubby refuses this one too, just know say him be bad belle! lol Just playing. But seriously, our talents are there for a reason, USE THEM!! Hair business is booming right now. You can go into buying and selling of all these human hair, brazillian, mongolian, malasian, indian, peruvian, etc. Start from small and grow big. Not everything is about education. Most of the stuff we learn in school is not even needed in our everyday lives. It ends up as general knowledge or forgotten! If you dare to leave the counrtry, especially if your husband is the womanising type, you'll come back and meet your co-wife at home. So just do any LEGAL business and make money. Remember to have savings as well. Very, very, very important! I wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous4/17/2013

    i smell a solomon-lilian-ezinne-uloma saga in the making. two pilots cannot fly a plane.

    ReplyDelete
  10. please Mrs Barry talk to your husband and dont make it a one sided conversation, listen to his views about the masters program. as a wife you have to submit to your husband in all TOTALITY, before you make any decision he should be the first you will consider and discuss with, i believe that he is not happy that you had asked your parents and concluded before bringing the matter up with him. i suggest that you allow some time then you can bring it up again to him, let him know that its really bothering you, and as Johnson said its not just by getting a masters in this generation, but what can you offer. what did you study in the University? what professional qualification can you get to upgrade your CV, how many seminar and professional workshop have you attended. an example is a Lawyer, a lawyer that has not been practicing for the past 7 years even if the lawyer gets a masters cannot be compared with a lawyer that has One year experience in court! ultimately if after all the talks he doesnt allow you, get books and read, search online for seminars and workshop that you can attend which will give you certification. You can also join an NGO that can give you time for your family and also a bit of experience, when your husbands sees your quest for knowledge despite his initial refusal i believe he will in give. wish you all the best k! *hugs#

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  11. @ahdaisy, i want to ask a question am not married BUT from what u are saying do u mean that once a woman gets married she no longer has a choice? She can no longer make a decision that will affect her life? She now becomes d oh yes master of her HUSBAND. She now turns to MUMU? So to disagree wit her HUSBAND now become a sin? Where is it in d bible dat says men are right all d time and dat we women/wife should obey dem all d time? Na wah oh if na so me i will remain alone oh may God HELP us from men who re control freaks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ephesians 5:22-33
      New International Version (NIV)
      22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

      Read this verse over and over again. The key words you shud focus on are 'submit', 'Lord', 'head', 'Christ', ponder on why the bible chose these as simile or references, then reread verse 14. Note that words in the bible were carefully chosen by the Holy Spirit to communicate certain msges. So dnt look at this verse as, 'well, that is not exactly what it means'. No, my dear, what it says is what it means.

      .Marriage is not a joke o...dats where so many people miss it. They want to marry just anybody, then they get into marriage and want to have their way. Like an anon pointed below, that is why it is important to marry a God-fearing man.

      Now to ur question, my point is, once you are married, you have an 'opinion' not a 'choice'. You can tell him what you want, try to persuade and state ur case clearly. If he agress, happy are you. If he says no, my dear, na NO be that. All you can do is keep trying to persuade him. You cannot go against his words. That's where you 'dnt have a choice'. As long as what he is saying is not against the word of God.

      This thing I am saying is reality. Study the bible wella on the role and duties of a wife. You will be shocked to see that most of what we are taught by feminists and some women 'empowermentalists', as I call them, are totally against the word of God.

      I am all for women liberation and empowerment so I am in no way saying a woman shud become a mumu. But when it comes to issues like the above, she has to be careful. After all, there are other ways she can earn money for herself without hurting or disobeying her husband. His ego and respect are even involved, she just has to be very careful.

      Before some people say I am ranting, I take my time to write all these cos I have an important msg to pass across which can help someone. Thank God I have received testimonies from people about how my ‘rants’ helped them. Glory be to God! Gudnait hon..

      Delete
    2. *vs 24. Another word of focus is the last word 'everything'

      Delete
  12. Anonymous4/17/2013

    @victoria nd shalle d truth is once U̶̲̥̅̊ ar married,ur hubby has a final say d greatest joy is wen d man lovs d lord,he wil alwaz gv ur opinion consideration.

    ReplyDelete
  13. @Victoria, Bless you. I was wondering where it was in the bible that a woman has no choice and that the husband has the final say o.

    @ Anonymous 08:32, you have said two things that don't quite add up
    1st: the man has a final say
    2nd: If he loves God, he will give her opinion consideration.

    They don't add up at all. Is the 1st saying from God? Because you state it like that's the truth and go on to say "If he loves God, he'll consider her opinion". Do you see they are opposing and clashing?

    @ All, please African women help yourselves, please God forbid, but if tomorrow something happens and she is left alone with her kids, you all saying she has no choice once married, what will you now advice her to do then? Cos she is clearly worried.

    Please women be empowered, you are meant to be by the side of a man and not UNDER him. God help us all. Live according to the Proverbs 31 woman and not what someone suggested and stated by themselves. I don't recall the Proverb 31 woman being portrayed as a stay-at-home-mom with no choice!

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    Replies
    1. 1.If you really follow the proverbs 31 woman, you will see that she made use of what she had (she did not solicit funds or help from someone else), her parents were not mentioned anywhere and she respected her husband.

      2. A wife is UNDER her husband, not beside, or behind or on top. She is UNDER him. The body is UNDER the head, not beside. You are UNDER your Lord, not beside. The Church is UNDER Christ, not beside.

      3. The western world brought so much enlightenment to us which is very OMG-I'm-so-grateful good. However, we shud be careful of what we take as the truth. Fact is, so many western women are free, empowered and liberated. Fact is, many of them are divorced and have man problems. Truth is God HATES divorce. All these are what we should find a balance between.

      4. The anon's statement above was not contradictory. Let me rephrase it for you. The man has the final say but when he loves the lord, he will give your opinion consideration before he gives his final say.

      I wish Aunty Eya can bring this topic up as a post so everyone can properly deliberate on it and learn the hard truth.

      Delete
    2. To each is own with the help of God's spirit and word and counsel.

      Let's not get started on the God hates divorce. It didn't say God FORBIDS or REJECTS divorce.

      I'm sure no one goes into marriage with the aim of divorcing also. So every sane single or married person will hate it too. Even kids hate it too.

      So, the emphasis is kinda somehow.
      People don't divorce because they LIKE it, just so you know. Even in this western world, hope you know they hate it too Cos it costs them lots of money, battle for custody and pains too.

      Its not something they just wake up and say "yay, let's do this mehn. Wowza!"

      We all Just pray not to experience the cheating, beatings, rape, abuse and all that make people tow down that lane.

      We can only but pray to God that we won't have a reason to do that.
      Of cos God has to hate divorce because he wanted man and woman to be together not to come and separate later. And with all the baggage it brings, who wouldn't hate it?

      Most people stress that passage to discourage people from divorcing, meanwhile they won't be in their homes to suffer with them what they are suffering and they won't bother to pray for them cos they are too busy with their happy lives, till they dial their number and inform them that one spouse has harmed the other.

      Now that we know that God HATES it as well as we humans, the best we can do is pray, pray and pray.

      Delete
  14. The first thing you can do really is to talk to God about it because this is clearly for your good as well as the good of the future. You have even stated that it has always been your dream and that he won't be able to pay for the Nigerian schools.

    1st: Pray about it.

    2nd: look out for schools abroad that offer long distance courses where you write your exams at the embassy here in Nigeria.

    3rd: look out for the option of taking relevant local professional courses.

    In all, look for an option that balances everything, you are happy, your kids are happy and your husband is happy also.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous4/18/2013

    To all dat put up a comment,ahdaisy,jay,etc and anonymous,I av clearly and carefully all observed ur comments and opinions,and I wld like to state somethg clearly: 1)I have tried myself and found out that I'm not not the business type,the whole buying and selling of goods,people buying on credit and you have to call them up to get ur money and end up being eneimies with them so I have checked its nt jst for me.I want a pursue my career,wake up in the morning,go to my job and do what I have always enjoyed and dreamt of.2)since I graduated my husband promised my parents that I will write my professional exam(ICAN),bt it hasn't pulled thru till date,he keeps giving reasons and all and I have been PATIENT! The truth is atimes we women know wot we want be dt whole idea of 'be under ur hubby' kills us and kills our dreams too! I respect my hubby,wen he gives his orders I dnt challenge him bt nw I am talking of my future,OUR future as a family,I'm putting every1 to consideration,if he looses his job tmr(Godforbid) what happens?,if nature calls him home tmr(Godforbid) what happens? I still sit @ home and explain to d kids why I can't afford to pay their fees or get them food?my mum usually tells me to weigh both the negative and positive sides of life so when anythg happens it won't shake u. In my church my pastor has once preached against a woman jst being there depending on her hubby for everything! Fors 7yrs I have begged for everythg,for money for toiletries,cloths,fuel,even food stuff atimes for d home,hw long will that continue? I feel its time I do smthg and pursue my dreams.most men feel that its when u r really under them that makes u d submissive wife but its a lie! You can make a living for yourself and still be submissive,everythg depends on ur walk with God!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/18/2013

      Sorry on my typos,was rushing!

      Delete
    2. Hmm. Just keep searching for a job. Searching for a job is a job in itself. It's probably because of experiences which you may lack that have made you not to get a job yet. Have you considered teaching as a career?
      Try and talk to friends and relatives about any roles in their offices or any other companies. I'm sure you know the sort of environment you would want to build a career in.

      Find out the required competencies for such a career. You have a lot of work to do on your CV because of the 7-year of no work thing.

      Talk to your close church members too. They could be of help. Your pastor too. Cos I think referrals would be the easiest and surest way after prayers. Readers of this blog with job. connections can help you also if they don't mind.

      You really don't need an overseas masters to get a job. It doesn't guarantee a job at all. You can be working and be doing the long distance masters at the same time.

      Just show a willingness to be an asset and not a liability to your potential employer in your CV.

      I hope you start getting called for interviews soon. So prepare well for them too. As you are married with kids, prepare to answer questions on how you want to handle that with a career also.

      Above all, pray to God for this career you so desire. Most importantly. Wish you the best.

      Delete
    3. Johnson4/18/2013

      Get a job - Masters abroad will not do the magic! Imagine you come back with your masters and return to square zero... that will be money, time, & love lost! But sha, if you were going for a specialised subject (Technical decipline), the story could be different.
      I have come to notice that men are more agressive wen it comes to job hunting than women... Send your CVs out. Tell people and them follow-up. As someone said, have you looked at other areas like teaching? Let daddy be part of the people helping to get you a job here in Niaja. When the job comes (it will come if you're persistent, determined, and of course no forget the very oga @ the top - Baba God), you can then invest in futhering your education...

      Delete
    4. Anonymous4/19/2013

      Ur not even serious! So u had d erfect answer since and knew wat to do!!!!! Dnt hv such problem thank God! My husband is not attracted to housewives! My home is soo busy in d mornings, I even leave for work before him since he is self employed but get bk before him.
      @all -a real woman is more than a curvilinear form, she is an enterprising home maker (prov 31:16) she is an invaluable asset to d man in her life (prov 31:11) she must b industrious enuf to kip increasing and improving on hersef (prov 31:18) she must understand that a man was not designed to satisfy nor complete her but to complement her (heb 13:21) the husband is d head, yes! But d head can only stand when there is a neck! When God placed d hubby as d head, it's to protect d woman not to diminish her(1 Peter 3:7) a woman submits, She comes under a man's mission -sub-mission! Ask ursef wat is ur man's mission? He needs to have a mission for u to come under that missipn! remember, a good man brings a woman to a place of productivity and finally a man's wife stands by his side, not at his feet (Gen 2:22). AdaJesus.

      Delete
  16. Anonymous4/18/2013

    Wao!, just like the reader, i am not a business person at all. i like to wake up in the morning and go to work. You can use the money for your abroad trip to study to start your your ICAN programme and be searching for a job at the same time. I have really learn't from all of you,though am single and waiting on the the lord for a life partner,i think the wait is worth it,cause am working and also running a professional programme at the same time. i can't just imagine putting my life on hold because of a man and children. At the end of your life you will fill unfulfilled. I also understand how your husband feels. At the end marriage is really no joke and needs a lot of work. God help us all and help we single to set our priorities right before marriage. Wish you all the best as i see you make progress in your life.

    ReplyDelete

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