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My Husband Has Named Our Baby After His Ex Girlfriend. What Can I Do?

Good evening Anty Eya and fellow bloggers, 
please, I have an issue that has been weighing me down for the past few weeks, my marriage has been running smooth and fine and I am very happy, hubby has been supportive, providing and faithful, some months back when we found out we will be
expecting a baby, hubby said he wants to name the baby if its a female and I can give a name if it's a male. I was a bit skeptical because I know men naturally want to name a male child. When the scan revealed that it is a baby girl we were both happy and thankful.

 My problem started when hubby said the name of the girl will be SANDRA, at first I thought it was a joke, but after hearing his determination I knew he meant it. First of all the name Sandra belongs to his ex girlfriend, not only was she his ex girlfriend, she is the only woman he dated before me, Aunty Eya their love story is for another day, anyway, they both started dating from 100 levels in the university and they were inseparable to the extent that she spent weekends with his family. 

It was after she graduated and was doing her NYSC that she met her own husband and left my hubby who was still in school because he did a 5 year course and was not ready to settle down and her own family were putting pressure on her to get married. This was years ago but I know all about it because even the first day I met his mother she said I look like this Sandra( to me I don't see any resemblance ooo) and all his friends always refer to her, I even saw her text message saying she can never love any man the way she loved him and he is the best thing that has happened to her, this a married women with 2 kids. 

 I quickly checked to see his reply but he simply sent thanks. How can he wake up and wants to name our child after his ex? What does this mean? I even asked him for the meaning of Sandra he said he doesn't know, I asked him to show me where the name is in the bible, he can't. I have spoken to him that am not comfortable with this name but he refused to listen.

I am currently sad and thinking too much and I should be resting and preparing for the arrival of my bundle of joy. How will I explain this to people, this is a name that both his family members and friends know belongs to his ex, won't they look at me as a weakling for accepting this name? Am just confused or does this mean that he is still in love with her?  I really love the peace we have but when I bring up this name issue he will simply ignore me or walk away. 

Please what do I do? Should I call the baby sandy or sand baby? Anything but not Sandra. Please I need suggestions because time is running out. Thanks
Margaret.

Comments

  1. Anonymous4/04/2013

    Orishirishi. I was named after my father's ex. Now I answer my ibo name sef. What's d biggy? If by hav a son u name him Afta ur ex too... Just kidding. Didn't u gve ur baby a name? Call her d name u gave her what's ur prob? Why ru makin a mountain out of a mole hill? Abeg gve d baby a name and call her that. When pple ask uh tell them d name u gave u her. Ain't u d one that will register her in school? Be proactive and go to d register if birth and get her birth cert. sit there and be feeling sorry for ur self! Instead of u to be grateful to God for what he did for u, u think its every woman dat experiences this, go through childbirth, no complications whatsoever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/04/2013

      Registrar of birth

      Delete
    2. Anonymous4/04/2013

      Sorry, read ur story and didn't realise that ur still preg. More reason why I can hiss sef. Mscheeeeeew! What I said before still applies!

      Delete
    3. Tangerine4/04/2013

      I think I understand the way this lady feels. I don't think the name is her problem, instead, wat she's worried about is the motive and inspiration behind the name. Personally, I wouldn't like it at all if my hubby decides to name any of our kids after his ex. Even if the child won't actually be called by that name, the koko is that he felt the need to name our child after a lady he had a relationship with. Maybe he's in love with her, maybe he just likes the name, only God knows.

      That's how I told my hubby that we should name our next son Uche, And Uche happened to be the name of my ex whom I really loved and whom my hubby also knows about. Even though I wanted to name our child uche, it wasn't after my ex. I've always loved the name uche, and even before meeting that ex, I had it in my mind that one of my sons would bear that name, so it wasn't about my ex at all, but wen I mentioned it to my hubby , he vehemently kicked against it asking me why Uche? He refused totally, and I jejely agreed. All he had in mind was that my ex was called Uche, so why would I suggest to give our child that name? That am I still in love with him?

      So please, explain to ur hubby why you are not comfortable with the name, perhaps, he'll reconsider.

      Delete
    4. Anon 3:04 please try to be considerate and not unnecessarily harsh. Haba, you can get your point across without sounding so judgemental and and all the hisses and stuff.
      Margaret, I fully understand what you're going through seeing as this isn't just a random ex but an ex that the entire family knew and who still keeps in touch with your husband.
      He's your husband, try discussing it with him with another approach. Don't be rude/nasty about it, you know men and their ego, massage that ego and get him to understand why you won't be comfortable with it.
      Also, don't let this weigh you down as you have a beautiful baby on the way.
      And if he doesn't agree, well make it a second name and make yours the first... Infact if I'm not mistaken, there are 3 names on the Birth Certificate, right? Make Sandra the last name on it. And when you register your baby for school, conveniently drop Sandra and use the first two names ;)
      All the best

      Delete
    5. Anonymous4/05/2013

      Excuse me! Which harsh? Didt u tell her exactly what I suggested! Aunty Eya! Dis ur blog sef! Pple like to pretend. Pls pls and pls free me, I'm entitled to my opinion , after all I didt insult her. Mscheww

      Delete
    6. Sorry, but I also felt the same way when I read your comment. A bit harsh dear.

      Delete
    7. Anonymous4/05/2013

      I don't really think the first anonymous was harsh. even though you might be unhappy about the decision you really need to take your mind off it. you have a right to call your child whatever name you want. you get to be around your child more often and its whateve you call your childld that people around will call her. I have two names. my parents couldnt agree on one. But everyone calls me by the name my mum gave me. when your child's older she'll change her name. when I was entering secondary school o dropped that name my father gave me and started using another. And stop drinking panadol for this type of headache joo. relax!!! Who knows he might have a rethink. make u try born Ur pikin first. all the best.

      Delete
    8. Tangerine4/05/2013

      You were harsh.

      Delete
    9. Mrs Anon3/26/2014

      Harsh and annoying. Calling someone's problem a molehill... ? It is when u wear the shoe that you will know where it pinches. i will be so offended if i were in her shoes and im not sure i would be able to take such with the child i suffered to carry..If she were the one trying to do the same rubbish would that husband tolerate it??? Never. He has no reason for insisting on that name except that he still idolizes that ex. It's really annoying that people act so unfairly to their spouses. Poster maybe you should report the matter to a trusted senior couple or friend he respects to mediate, no use pretending about something that is hurting you.

      Delete
  2. Anonymous4/04/2013

    Pls I wld advice that first things first.Good you hv made it clear that u don't accept that name. I will advice that u drop that worrying and face ur forthcoming delivery. If u continue worrying u might end up with High blood pressure n complicate ur delivery. Pls ur life is much more important than watever name.Desom

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sometimes, we give ourselves headache sha. Madam, please enjoy your pregnancy and keep yourself and hubby happy, that way, the baby will be happy and healthy too. Is your hubby's ex the only Sandra in the world? Why do you care what people will say or think of you? If they ask, tell them your daughter is named after Sandra bullock, an Oscar award winning hollywood actress, that will impress them, right?

    Seriously, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. The love story is in the past, your husband is faithful, the ex is married, it is time to relax. Accept your husband with his history, love him, and he will keep loving you back. If you worry and push him away with your hatred of his ex, guess what might happen?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree so much with Myne. madam, stick to this advice and you are good to go. lol @ Sandra Bullock though but hei, the ex isn't the only Sandra in the world!

      Delete
    2. ****Mufasa Said4/05/2013

      My dear I'll advice you to talk to ur mother in law about it, force tears to roll out when stating ur story plus tell her how pained u will feel wheneva u hear him call her sandra! If it were me, as per drama queen that I am, I will even tell my doctor too and make a plan wt him to invite my husband over to tell him I'm nt resting well or my bp is high or sometin and when he persists to kw y, I'll say SANDRA is d reason y! My first child and u want to play baba ijebu wt her name? I no go gree lai lai!

      ****Mufasa Said

      Delete
    3. ****Mufasa Said4/05/2013

      Ul b surprised to kw dat ur husnand might av vowed to her when she left him that he'l neva 4get her and blah blah blah and when he has a child he'l name her sandra in memory of a lost love. I said dat to an ex too but I was too in love wt my child to do dat 2 him plus I want my child to have a greater destiny dan anyone past present or future.

      ****Mufasa Said

      Delete
    4. Mufasa I tink I support d doc tin bt mother inlaw nah,I don't tink so.•̸Ϟ mother inlaw do tlk abt •̸Ϟ husby ex.dat she miSses her n all dat bt I don't even care or snd her wen she starts tlkin dat nonsense.since she said her mother inlaw tld her she looks lyk sandra I don't tink she will refuse her son gvin her grand dauta dat name.

      Delete
    5. Mufasa, you're a drama queen...lol!

      Delete
    6. Mrs Anon3/26/2014

      Hahaha Mufasa, Yes o. Tho d mother in law side may be tricky since they liked the lady. But everything else... yes. Btw how can someone be married to someone and pining after an ex and you say he's faithful... beats me. To me I can't vouch for that man. If he's given a chance he will likely cheat with that woman if he hasn't already since shes still in love with him. sorry to say. Its just not fair. Sigh. Put it in prayer my dear.

      Delete
  4. OK, thinking about it further, sorry if I came across as not feeling your pain. I do understand, and I like that you've already spoken out to him that you do not like the name.

    One suggestion if your husband totally disagrees to choose another name is to make Sandra a second name, choose another name you like and be calling the child that name and tell everyone too. All the best and have a safe delivery.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/04/2013

      Awwww! Have I told you that I love you myne?

      Delete
    2. Don't you think there would be disagreement in the home ? imagine the father calling the daughter Sandra then she calls the daughter Kate and everyone around calls the girl Kate ,it certainly will cause trouble in the home ...she should talk to her hubby about it and pray about it ....

      Delete
  5. Debaby4/04/2013

    Thanks jare Myne that was a good advice.you dont need to worry yourself over name issues cause being worried can threaten your pregnancy so relax your mind and be grateful to GOD that your hubby his faithful and responsible.i will advice you to keep loving your husband and dont allow any Sandra issue to hurt you.if you are not okay with the way his friends and family call the name kindly let him know how it hurt your feeling (not in a jealousy way) so he can talk to them or you can tell them in a jokingly manner.please dont hurt yourself so you will not hurt your family.

    ReplyDelete
  6. captain4/04/2013

    Hmmmmmmm, na 9ja we de o, u cld put to bed and realise its a boy o, and not a gal, so u cld name d boy afta ur ex too.I jus tire for u. Calm yourself down and give birth joyfully, u are here bothered abt Sandra dats in her husband's house .guess u av like 8-7months b4 it EDD, smth could happen dat cld make ur hubby change his mind.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I totally agree with Myne on ds.Pls put ur mind at rest and enjoy d rest of ur pregnancy.Whenever u want 2 strart thinking about any negative @ ds period,just visualize dt ur beautiful BOJ!Never allow any woman somewhere 2 take d special joy u should be feeling 4m u!As pple suggested,give ur baby a name u love,call her dt!Most people will call a baby what d mother calls her eventually.In my own case,hubby named my baby after d mom,I didn't argue,I just gave her d name I wanted to give her jeje.Let me tell u,a year and 3 months 2day;hubby o,even mother in law calls her d name I gave her!It is painful really,I quite understand how it can be,but given ur state dear,worrying will just not help you.Wishing u a safe delievery.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous4/04/2013

    *start* *delivery*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ori mi o! Lmaooooo @ sand baby lwkmd!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/04/2013

      Dnt mind her. She cldt even think of calling d baby Cassandra or Alesandra sef she is givin hersef unnecessary headache! Vary d name or leave it as a second name! All these we r saying, d 1st anon already pointed it out

      Delete
  10. Anonymous4/04/2013

    Myne even though i know you are wise in counsel"because i read your blog" I strongly disagree with you first advice even the second.

    I wouldn't take it lightly if my hubby choose the name of his ex for my first child of all the names in the world. "haba check it now"

    Firstly this is a small world there are chances that she might get to met her hubby's ex or someone who knows someone who know her hubby's ex......well i don't want to think how awkward that encounter will be.

    Margret, My advice for you i that you should tell your hubby where you think he "originated" the name from plainly that is if you have not done so already and let him know you can not bear to name your child after his very "popular ex" ask him how he will feel if you name your son after your supposed ex???? if he does not want to listen to you do him a mail or a text while he is not with you or even if he is there any try to point out your concerns to him about the name situation.

    All the best but don't get your self all worked up. If these suggestions fail, just pray to God to change his hear you can tell god anything and his word said the heart of the king is in the hands of the Lord and He can turn it anyway he pleases.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! A name isn't just a name. I don't think I could accept it either. The Sandra woman who still sends her husband I love you messages, imagine how happy she'd be to hear that his child is named after her?
      Come on

      Delete
    2. Mrs Anon3/26/2014

      @Anon 6:52 Thank you! @Mrs B I wonder! Let's face reality biko. She's only human.

      Delete
  11. Well, until people realize that names really matter, they'll comtinue to make mistakes. U dnt go calling ur child a name just because it sounds nice or belongs to someone who you like. The name of your child should reflect God's given destiny for that child. Women pls learn to ask God for the name of your child. You do that by studying His Word and praying for the child. When you meditate on God's word and kabash on the child, you'll receive a rhema (God's living word for now) concerning ur child. His or her destiny will be revealed to you.

    In the bible, when God wanted to bless certain ppl, he changed their names. (Abraham, Sarah, Jacob, Joshua, Paul, Peter even Solomon). He prenamed Isaac and Jesus. God wouldn't have done that if names dnt matter. This is not a Romeo n Juliet 'what's in a name?', this is reality. That many of our parents named us according to how they felt, doesnt mean we should do the same. The bible says “In the time of ignorance, God overlooked" Now you all know.

    Your child's name must have a specific powerful meaning. You can even come up with a name that hasn't been heard before, as long as it's from God. So let's not fall that 'name doesn't matter' thingy.

    To the lady above, pls tell your husband this. Explain to him politely that your pregnancy period is a time to prayerfully prepare for your child. Her name, what you want her to be like, how you want her to behave. Pls, tell him as parents, popping out the child is not all there is to it. When you are alone, place your hands on your tommy and declare words concerning your child. Also talk to her. Tell her what God has said concerning her life. She has a spirit, so she will hear you.

    But dnt make too much fuss about it. You have several months to convince him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @ Anon, I am more concerned about she giving her daughter a good God-chosen name. We all know that the name your mum calls you will most likely stick. There is no other advice given to her today that is guaranteed to work. She can't forget it cos its his Ex's name and everyone knows his ex. Each time she calls her child, she will remember his ex so she cant forget about it. She is obviously bothered about it and what ppl wud think. Me I know I cant take it. It's my child for crying out loud and why ur ex? He doesn't even know the meaning of the name so it's purely based on sentiment.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous4/05/2013

      Yawn

      Delete
  12. Hehehehehe am sorry dear,but I couldn't help it @Sandy baby.
    Thats how I vowed to name my baby Nkem,the name I gave my Boo then. It goes to show howmuch ur husband loved her.
    But now mehn am going to name my baby CI BU SUBSIDY MU (God is my subsidy)
    There's nothing here to worry about dear.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/04/2013

      Bia Bona...bfr ur here doing hehehehehe...watsup wit ur research on d priest ish...cos me too am a die hard catholic.
      Dat story mustnt die like dat ooo...pls don't tell me ur spiritual adviser is d culprit ooo...

      Delete
  13. Enh! After his ex? I'll die fighting o wot kind of rubbish is dat? My dear don't agree o not even 4 a 2nd or 3rd name ahah 4 wot na? If he insists tell him dat he would have to allow u name ur son after 1 of ur exs let's c how cool he is with dat arrangement mutewwwwww

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous4/04/2013

    http://apysworld.blogspot.com/2013/03/what-is-your-name.html Read it.

    Sandra is a greek baby name meaning: 'defender of men'

    Giving the name to the baby, shows his love for his ex and a reminder and honor to her #fact!#

    Concentrate on giving birth, than working up your blood pressure, then you would be alive to give your child a name. He can name her sandra, but it is the name a mother calls her child everybody would call her! Don't make the mistake of calling her sandra or fill it in the birth certificate, because the ball is still in your court, though he chooses to play it!
    God will give you safe delivery as he did for the women of hebrew. Read isaiah 66:9

    ReplyDelete
  15. Shayor4/04/2013

    I no go gree o! My ex named his daughter after me and I'm not happy about it! What's that naa! It goes to show dt he still loves her and wants to honour her. I wouldn't accept such,der r a lot of names, y dt exact one?pls beg him and make him see reasons but pls do not take it!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jazmyn4/05/2013

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      Delete
  17. Young Awesome Mum4/04/2013

    There're lots of lovely names why must it be Sandra, his ex girlfriend's name. Its not a good idea, it shows he still has much love for her and wants to name the baby after her to honour her. But focus on ur pregnancy 1st so u dnt start hvin BP issues.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Maxiefabulous4/05/2013

    It doesn't matter the name just focus on your delivery i speak from experience

    ReplyDelete
  19. na wa. me i've said i will give my first son the name of the guy i'm dating now whether i end up with him or not. but that's not entirely cos of him but its cos i love the name. its a unique Igbo name that i've never heard, he's the only one i've seen bearing that name.i loved his name even before loving him. i've told him that my son will bear that name. but assuming i don't end up with him, i will be very smart about it so my hubby won't know how the name came about.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Na wa o. All these exes palaver sef. As far as I'm concerned, naming your unborn child Sandra is a way to remind himself of his ex, simple.

    Infact, once everyone knows that your baby girl's name is Sandra, their mind will go to his ex first!

    You said everyone noted the semblance between you and Sandra; didn't it ever occur to you during your courtship that he wanted someone who looked like Sandra as a sort of compensation for himself? (If I don't have the real Sandra, I can as well have her look alike).

    ReplyDelete
  21. If you didn't know about the Sandra, it would be a different matter, but now you know and you are disturbed. There's need for a realistic solution so you don't give yourself unnecessary sleepless nights.

    My Reply to Margaret:
    Hi Debby, good morning.
    How are you today. Have you made your decision yet? The only way you can take your mind off that is by finding a solution or deciding on what to do. I read so many comments on the blog this morning and I can tell you that I love these comments. We see some fighters' comments, and some "well I don't want wahala" comments. They are all great comments showing that there are always many methods to solving a mathematical problem. Different people react differently to situations. We can't all react or think the same.

    Having said that, I want to suggest that you avoid talking to him about it again. He is not ready to talk; you are pregnant, let the matter be. ---- When I have something to tell my husband and do not know how to start the sentence or feel like he may not listen to the end of my story before talking, what I do is wait for when he may have arrived his office.

    When he is off and I know we are not going to see ourselves again until evening, or when he travels out of town. I sit down and draft a powerful mail. People who are not ready to talk about an issue will definitely be ready to read something about it. I send the mail and pretend like nothing happened. After reading my mail he will be the one to start the discussion and not me. When you write a mail or text message. No one is listening or looking at your face to read expressions, so, you write with so much freedom and well thought out expressions that he cannot ignore. He gets time to read and re read many times before meeting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous4/05/2013

      i agree to the "trigger/powerful sms" suggested above for instance,a sample sms like "am really sad" etc, sometin outside the blues to tortue his mind and keep him tinking till he gets home... have tried it and it works as stated above... my dear Margaret, i know its a trying time and also ur hormones are kicking in but pls, he's ur hubby and u know how well to communicate bt pls be extremely calm even if u have to pretend to be calm, its nt bad to tear up too, that could make him see how much ure touched by this issue, u cant win this by forcing or fighting ur way thru oh! prayers work more than wonders, u wont believe how this case would turn out if u involve it. its well my dear

      Delete
  22. Before you write a different name at the Registrar, get his consent. Try to avoid writing a different name in any of the child's documents without his knowledge.
    In your mail, let him know how you feel. Tell him that you are a human with emotions too. That because you can't call that name, he is free to call, but you will call the child..........
    Tell him why you can call any other name in the world but that one. Include the name you have chosen in the mail.

    Wait for his response before you decide on your next move. Do not fight him. A few men do that, especially when the love/relationship was not allowed to run it's course. ie cut short by parents and family. People do that and sometimes their wives don't even know these names are their ex' Lol.
    This ex is married to another, you have him now and are carrying his child. He is an African man, so, be careful with your choice of words. Try to avoid making him think you are in a competition or rubbing shoulders with him.
    Have a great day.
    Everything is possible!!! It all depends on your attitude and approach!!!
    Takia
    Eya.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @ Eya, I totally agree with you. You are not supposed to disobey your husband or do things behind his back. You should only try and make him see reasons with you. He is still her father and your head. So all you can do is politely and prayerfully persuade him.

      Delete
  23. Hmm, sad dilemma. I belong to the school of thought that believes that names are very important in the destiny of an individual, like another blogger pointed out with copious examples. I agree too with Eya that you should not do anything to undermine your husband behind his back.

    I seriously salute the people who say it wouldn't be a big deal if their husband decided to name their baby after his ex, who though married, is still in love with him. I pray to come up to such a high level of nobility, because if I were in this woman's shoes, I would be most unhappy.

    I'd also suggest, in addition to every other advice, that you approach any family member or mentor whom he respects, after prayerfully considering it, and ask them to talk with your husband. His love for you should be stronger than his need to impress an ex-girlfriend. No matter how we want to rationalize it, it will hurt you if he names your baby after his ex.
    The Lord will see you through the birthing process. The bible says that the heart of a king is in the hands of the Lord; commit this to prayer and ask God to cause a change in his heart over this and let his love and desire be for you, and you alone. He married you after all, so the past should stay in the past!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Blessings.....
    While i can understand her grievance she should consider that she has options. The husband is aware that wife knows who Sandra is and he decides to it anyway, it’s his was of having "Sandra" without having Sandra. Not the best expression however it is what it is.
    OPTIONS:
    (1) She can choose to allow this to determine her value to her husband/relationship, in doing so she should be aware she will be setting a precedence of an inferiority complex and a false notion that she is lesser than and not worthy. This will color every aspect of her life.

    (2)She can give the child other names and choose the provided to address the child. *the husband can name her and the wife can name her. Many children have multiple names (I am such a child).

    (3) Learn how to choose your battles, if you plan on staying married long there will be many. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot. Do not give you power to a woman who knows little or care little for you and your life and what goes on within. People will feed negative shit, learn how to stop the noise, you define your life, you determine your happiness, everyone has opinions (opinions are like assholes-everybody's got one)the only opinion that really counts is yours.

    (4) Be mindful what you allow into your mind and psyche just as you have to protect yourself against false prophets/friends you must protect your mind from insidious toxic ramblings of those with malice intent.

    (5) Know your WORTH, understand your VALUE as a woman, as a wife and as a mother, only you determine that so becare whom you allow to direct how you feel, see and think about the world around you.

    peace.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  26. Anonymous12/14/2013

    Hell no! Never would I ever name MY baby after my hubbys ex are you nuts? Is he nuts? If he can't get over her then he shouldn't be with you. Not riggt not right at all. You have every right to refuse youuu are giving birth to your guys baby NOT him. If he really loves you he wouldnt be stressing u out or naming ur babygirl after his ex. If he wants to ne ur baby after someone it shud be his mother grandmother or you the only women hu shud matter in his life! Just saying!

    ReplyDelete

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