Please I need Advice, Marriage Has Been My Worst Nightmare


Am a fan of your blog and i will love if you help me post this on your blog because i need advice before i lose my mind.
I got married at the age of nineteen because i got pregnant and didn't
want to abort it. my parents were against me marrying him but i insisted because i loved him.


its been two years now and marriage has been my worst nightmare.i have never been happy.he treats me like a slave. excommunicate me from my friends and families.He gets angry and beats me at slightest provocation.drinks, womanizes, comes home late or don't come at all. And the worst part of all is he never sees any thing wrong in what he does.
Before we got married, he promised to put me in school but now, whenever i ask him about it, he waves it aside.
I have called people whom he respects to talk to him but he gets angry at me.I have been praying for him but no changes.Am fed up but if i want to leave, i don't know where to start from. My parents are very poor and i have no money to start life all over again and i don't know how to take care of my daughter. Am just 21 and i want to go back to school and make something out of my life.
What do i do?i need advice please.

Mary
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Comments

  1. Remove your slippers, dust them and run! Run like mad. Make sure the heels of ur feet touch the back of your head while you're at it. #that's all.

    But if you want further advice, refer to some other posts on this blog. Where there's life, there's hope. Forget about the money for now. Leave while you're still young and someone else can help you. Look for a biz to do no matter how small. This is not a time for shame o. Even if it's selling akara. Ask church members and other family members for help. It's still too early for you to stay there hoping he will change.

    Take Jamb and when you enter school, look for a scholarship. I got Shell Scholarship while in school...though my parents aren't poor, so study like mad. But make sure you look for a genuine bizness to do aside.
    Honestly, I'm not sure wat to say to you but leave him first then decide. Perhaps other readers will have better advice for you. But please dnt let him suck ur soul. May God help you.

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    Replies
    1. chubby ELLA3/23/2013

      Hahahahahahahaha@make sure d heels of ur legs r touching ur head. Ahdaisy oooooo u wnt kill us wit lafff.
      My own story(a bit similar 2 urs)....I got married 2 a pastor hoping dat I cud get closer 2 God wit his help snc he understood d bible n christianity more dan I did @ dat tym bt it wsnt so. My dear readers I saw hell,I went 2 d market wch was so many kilometers away 4rm our house,cum bk,cook till midnyt(wit a heavy tummy o,I was 8months pregnant den),did evtin 4 dat monster,wat was left 4 me 2 do was 2 feed him n bath him.my ex was a dude,I mean he was huge,wit broad shoulders n all dat(if u knw wat I mean)bt wud u bliv dat I do d pulling of d gen wen power goes off n he'l b on d bed tellin me 2 pull it well dat it wil come on(I was 8months pregnant o). He beat me up once,pushed me so hard dat I landed on d floor wit my big tummy,ohhhhh dat day,I felt worse pain dan labour pain. I tot tins were goin 2 change wen I put 2 bed bt 4whrrrrr? I had my baby tru C.S n jst 5days afta I came bk 4rm d hospital,d baggar came home one day wit his face lyk dat of shit dat dey fire catapult,I asked him wat was wrong n he said he was hungry n dat he was wondering if he was going 2 eat our nu born child(his mum was around o bt she had used all my omugwo foodstuff 2 cook 4 herself n she dint giv me so I had 2 help myself wit malt n biscuits wch I ate 4 2weeks b4 my mum came 2 cook 4 me).out of pity n as a gud wife dat dint wnt her hubby 2 die of hunger,I entered d market d next day wit full plaster on my tummy 4rm d C.S jst 2 make d fool happy(u can imagine d pain). 2 cut d long story short cos I cud go on n on,wen I cudnt cope any longer,I (according 2 Ahdaisy)picked up my slippers,dusted dem,ran n made sure my heels touched my head. Did I mention dat my parents were never in support of me getting married 2 him bt I didn't listen n dat was wat I got 4 nt listening 2 dem. Iv been away 4rm him 4 lyk 2yrs n I can tell u dat lyf has been a lot beta snc den,it was rough in d beginning bt iv moved on wit my mum taking care of my dota so dat I can pick up d pieces of my lyf again. So my darlyn do same o so u dnt lose ur lyf @ an early age cos dat guy can kill u one day n feel no remorse cos he dsnt feel an iota of luv 4 u.

      Delete
    2. O.M.G, I had my mouth open at ur story. If not that it is your own story, I wud think its a Nigerian movie. What?! Someone who just had a CS? My dear, thank God you ran o.. Na who you for ask? Hm. Devil is using so many people these days. I understand nah, when you saw he is a pastor, you felt, ah, close to heaven, not knowing that you were closer to hell. May God keep you and yours. And may His favour and Grace continue to guide you. In Jesus' Name, Amen!

      Delete
  2. Anonymous3/21/2013

    My dear run run run cos fire is on the mountain, so pls take precautions not to get burnt.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous3/21/2013

    Leave him.
    Go back to your parents. People would always talk.
    No matter how poor they are, you would have peace of mind and be ALIVE!
    You can leave your daughter at home with your parents and look for a salesgal job nearby or a bus ride away. When you begin to interact with other people, more opportunites and idea would come to you.
    Best of luck.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Abiola3/21/2013

    M̶̲̥̅γ̲̣̣̥ dear,is beta U̶̲̥̅̊ leave him coz he doesn't av plans 4 U̶̲̥̅̊.,G̶̲̥̅̊☺ back 2 U̶̲̥̅̊я parent,apologise 2 dem.things will surely be fyne. U̶̲̥̅̊ still av a long way 2 ,G̶̲̥̅̊☺.G̲̣̣̣̥e̶̲̥̅̊T̶̲̥̅̊ a job&manage it,2 take care of yourself & U̶̲̥̅̊я baby. U̶̲̥̅̊ will be fyne.

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  5. Cherie3/21/2013

    My dear run so as to remain alive. Even though your parents are poor, they still remain your parents. Go back to them before its too late, try your hardest to look for a job and I am sure when you eventually get one leaving your child with your mum won't be a bother.

    There is no age limit in gaining an education, so if its truely your dream don't give up on that.

    If you keep forgiving him everytime he beats you up, one day that beating may cost you your life. You have a long life ahead of you, so pre-caution is better. God be with you and your child.

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  6. Foughtback tears reading ur post dear.
    My dear do u know u were made in God's image and likeness,this isn't God's plan for u,this isn't ur destiny.
    Why will u be in such form of slavery,no its not worth the stress.
    At 21 u still av a bright future ahead of u,believe me u love this man but he doesn't love u. So whats d need staying in such bondage.
    And my dear try not to feel inferior,not withstanding ur family background,with a positive mentality u can rewrite the history for gud. And u can't achieve that in such captivity.
    U need to make a move,u need to be tired of ur present condition,u need to put an end to this. Coz ur marriage lacks every feature of a happy married life.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

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  7. Anonymous3/21/2013

    Bona Bona... Brought tears 2 ur eyes indeed... My dear ur still young, move on with ur life o before he kills you one day and remarries another woman dt will turn your child to a slave.. Wise up girl

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  8. Anonymous3/22/2013

    Once U leave the man and his environs, U d start thinking better and clearly.
    U want to go back to school, U want to tk care of ur daughter, to achieve that and many more, U need to be A L I V E AND WELL.
    For ur sake, I hp U r not pregnant now.
    Do not mk d mistake of telling him U r leaving else ur life will be a living hell.
    Quietly pack d very important things U need and disappear.
    My people say Ndubuisi. Life is d most impt thing.
    U r very young and hv d world at ur feet.
    Yes, U made a mistake once, but U do not deserve to live in misery all the days of ur life.
    If U believe, U hv a bright future and U deserve the best.
    Take d first bold step. R U N.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous3/22/2013

    My dear I wuld advise you 2 pls leave him.my mum went tru d same thing.Young marriage n she ws promised sch.She tried 2 bear all malreatment 4m husband n his people n finally d man married another wife n its been hell. Go out there look 4 a lil job and start up with that.evn if its 2 sell recharge card. Use dat to takia f ur daughter n in no time you can gather money 4 ur sch. Der. Orphans who takes care of themselves. Urs is better u still hv parents dey can assist u with ur child. It wuld n be easy but make up ur mind. In no time u wuld be out of sch. Evn as u are in sch you can get some1 better who wuld want to remarry you. Pls pray and make sure u leave b4 he kills you.Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  10. Leave him joor! Write JAMB, learn how to plait hair & fix nails, lots of money there. When u get admission to university, u can fix ur fellow students nails & make pay 4 ur education & daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous3/22/2013

    Hello aunty Eya n other wives,pls all dis stories about the men doing this and that na wa o. Ive been married for 3 years to a very lovely and God fearing man. From what ive seen, we need to spend a whole lot on our knees and have a large enough heart forgiving our spouses. We are not perfect n they are also not perfect. Most ladies can nag a horse to death. Also ladies need t need to stop feeling inferior,if u carry yourself right,believe in ur creator that has promised never to leave u nor forsake u,ur confidence would reflect and the man wont be able t hurt u.well above all, leave his house now so that ur case wont be 1 of d stories dt touch we wld hear.

    ReplyDelete
  12. suzzy Tk3/22/2013

    kai, this lady is too young to start life like dis. i feel for u. pls just take the advice given to u and leave. i knw u will ask ur self where will i start frm, how will i fend for my child, who will pay her sch fees and all. pls relax and hold still and know u have a God who still does wonders. u can start as a sales girl or cleaner, or even a nanny to someone it is something. your hubby will come back to beg, pls when he does tell him to give u time to clear ur head and go to sch first before any other thing, becos he will promise u heaven n earth but girrll! stay put wt your decision for now if not u will end up being a mince meat. i wish u the very best ahead of u. the top is ur place.

    ReplyDelete
  13. young awesome mum3/22/2013

    This is so touching! The earlier u leave the better for u, go back to ur parents no matter how poor they are nd manage with them. U're way too young to subject urself to such. God will definitely send help ur way so u can start up something that can fend for u nd ur daughter

    ReplyDelete
  14. your story is touching but "advisers", we need to be careful how we advice. firstly, are u really married to him or did u just do "lagos marriage" i.e. because you're pregnant, you're automatically his wife? if you are truly married, then you cant divorce him unless you don't want to follow God's rule on marriage. this is a cross you have to bear. firstly, you need to get a skill, be it hairdressing, tailoring or even hawking. gather some money to take care of your self and your baby, cos it seems you're very dependent on your hubby. secondly, learn to be a wife. humility, tolerance and perseverance in prayers. my dear, your case is not the worse case scenario, eliminate nagging from your hubby (although am not calling you one) but frustration could cause that. also, for single ladies out there, lets zip up till marriage, premarital sex is sin,study your would be hubby well and have a means of livelihood before marriage, it helps in the home-front and also with your level of respect with your hubby. God bless... chi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank You Chi!exactly what I have been saying!if u spreading your legs wide before marriage,what kinda marriage are u looking to have?Ladies zip up!fornication is wrong on all levels,not acting righteous overmuch but if u claim to be a true christian,certain things must never be too difficult for u to do!this is living the Christ-like life not shoving anything down your throat.Thank u Chi,let those who have ears listen!

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    2. thanks abena

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    3. Sisters, let us try as much as possible not to be judgmental pls. There is one impartial judge, the Almighty.
      He alone has the power to condemn or bless. None of us here is perfect.
      No not one.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous3/22/2013

      Yes, not one Eya.
      The bible talks about we being careful, thinking that we stand, lest we fall!
      The parable of the farmer who went to get workers to the last minute and paid them the same fee, which caused arguement from the earlier workers, and JESUS said, the first shall be the last and teh last shall be first..we should be careful.
      And Jesus said to teh Gentile woman, bread that are meant for the master children's table should not be given to the dogs....but the woman replied, the dogs are ready to eat the crumbs that fall from the master's table. JESUS was impressed by her faith and healed her.

      So I pray for this lady: JESUS would deliver her from her troubles and make a way for her where there is none: HE will let rivers to flow in the desert because of her just as HE did for Hagar, HE would make a way in the wilderness for her, just as HE did for the children of Israel. HE would go ahead like a raging fire and clear all obstacles from her path. HE would catch her on HIS wings to prevent her from falling, just as an eagle catches It's young when teaching them to fly so that they won't fall. The GOD of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob would be her deliverer and provider, for HE is called JEHOVAH SHAMMAH AND JEHOVAH JIREH. Amen. Shalom.

      Take heart sister. Go and meet your parents and let GOD start to make a way for you. Remember, many battles are won on the knees.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous3/24/2013

      Chi you are clearly not a sinner which is why you would have the guts to judge someone else. Dont worry when your husband starts using you as a punching bag stay there and let him kill you. Its women like you that make other women in abusive relationships not to speak up.

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    6. God bless you dear kiky

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  15. Anonymous3/22/2013

    Sometimes i wonder... How can u guys advice her 2 leave her husband's house... No matter wat d fault is 4rm her bcos in everytin d foundation matters... No house can last without a gud foundation.. Obviously she wasnt prepared 4 marriage she tot she could prepare in marriage which is where her problem started from.. Yes d man might be a pain in d ass but is she perfect? How does she handle d man @ home? Its usually give and take... She shuld think of undastndin marriage principle first by seeking God thru d bible... All she needs 2 do is 2 b submissive and no matter how animalistic d man is, he will learn 2 change and be a gud husband... Pls my dear i'm not married yet and i'm 23yrs a post graduate student and by God's grace i'll be married b4 d end of dis yr... I'm preparing myself by studyin God's word concerning marriage and reading materials (BOOKS) all is just to prepare myself b4 marriage.. So i'll advice u imagine urself as a new bride 2 be, study and apply d bible 2 ur daily life, ready books of people dat ve been successful in marriage and i bet u, d sky is ur starting point... I don talk too much

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous3/22/2013

      Easier said than done! why not marry first and experience the real thing before coming to talk about submission?? eh?

      Delete
    2. Like seriously, your view is myopic. Its not her wish or her fault that her marriage is not working. It does not matter how many books you read or how good you have been, it does not even matter if you marry as a virgin.if you marry a bad man,life quickly becomes brutish, nasty and if care is not taken, short. Just pray your man is who you think he is cause a lot of them change after marriage and the worst of tgings a married man can do is to drink, womanize, stay out late, ignore the wife and then on top of that beat her silly. Pls, he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches dear.

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    3. No mind am!! Seriously, I admire her courage to get married and not abort the child, but heyyyyy 2 wrongs can neva make a right! U made a mistake by gettin preggers at an early age and then u went ahead to marry not considering whether or not he is Gods will for u! Dats some gangster shiiiii! I seriously don't knw what to advice except that u should seek God strongly untill u find Him, Knock on His door and He will answer, ask Him and He will answer *cough* daz all!!!

      Delete
    4. Anonymous3/24/2013

      Anonymous holier than thou, The same way you think your fiance wont beat the crap out of you when you marry him is the same way she thought the man would treat her well when she insisted to marry him. unfortunately he turned out to be a monster.
      So when your husband starts beating you and sleeping around when you marry him, keep praying for him, maybe he will change after he has killed you or infected you with HIV which he caught form sleeping around.
      And the most annoying ting about your comment is that you trivialize domestic abuse by calling it a pain in the ass. i really want to smack you.

      Delete
  16. Anonymous3/22/2013

    I feel like crying when i read your story. But my advise to you is that go and learn a HAND WORK. This is very important. Nobody can mess you up when you have something doing. With that you will be able to take care of your daughter and gather money to go to school. As for the man, quietly pack your things and go back to your parents. Good luck to you!

    Lovelyn

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  17. How can an abusive marriage be someone's cross to bear? Who gave her the cross? Certainly not God! He said every good and perfect gift comes from Him, so how can good and bad come from an all perfect God, whose thoughts towards us are thoughts of good not evil???

    My dear lady, I do not know the full story but for the sake of your life and your children, if your husband is abusive towards you, you need to leave him before your story becomes newspaper and blog headline. God forbid!

    Separate yourself from that man and go and get an education and empower yourself with a skill or learning a trade that can put money in your pocket. Even if your husband was the nicest man on earth, without an education and a livelihood, you are setting yourself up for misery and failure.

    If you need someone to speak to or counsel you, contact Project Alert, it is an NGO that deals with violence against women and children. They are very helpful. Don't die in misery. For all you know, giving him the space may be what your husband needs to shape up.

    Of course, as always, turn it over to God. He loves you and wants the best for you. Regardless of your past and how you met and married this man, He doesn't count our sins and past against us so let nobody tell you that abuse is a cross you have to bear for having sex before marriage abeg! I hope you get the help you need and I wish you well!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous3/22/2013

      Like your reasoning Adele.

      Delete
    2. #Correct! As in, I almost thought I typed this reply in my sleep! Lol

      If it is a bcos of fornication that she has to bear this cross, then which one is the husband supposed to bear? Abi, did she fornicate with herself?

      Even the bible says if a part of you makes you to sin, cut it off! Why shud she stay where she is not happy? A lot of people will go to hell because of their marriages. I was careful not to tell her to divorce the man, but she should leave. Separation is her only solution for now. Abi, do you guys want her to become the next headline? Mind you, there are many who do not make it to headlines but they are dead for nothing. She needs to empower herself, for the sake of her kid.

      Yes, fornication is a sin and should be highly discouraged but you do not use because of shame to drink poison. Once you have repented and asked God for forgiveness, do everything possible to stay alive both spiritually and physically. Dnt look back till you have gotten your education and financial independence.

      I repeat, do not let this man suck your soul!

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    3. Anonymous3/22/2013

      It baffled me o Ahdaisy!

      Why is it only women that are accused of fornication when it takes two to tango? What of the man? Sin is sin! None greater, None smaller!

      Jesus Christ came from the root of David! We all knew what David did! Killed a woman's husband who gave birth to solomon......then Ruth seduced her husband to marry her......JESUS still came from the same family tree!

      PLEASE sisters! Lets STOP castigating ourselves! Attitudes like this would discourage people to speak out and ask for help and continue to suffer in pains and when the unexpected happens, people would blame her why did she keep quiet!

      The bible explains that as long as you look at a person lustful or even think about sex,we are guilty of commiting sin! So it is not the act alone!The bible says GOD knows our every thoughts and desires. Who are we deceiving? Only ourselves! Masturbation or fondling or petting or deep kissing or fingering or cuddling before marrriage is also a sin!

      She is asking for advise and not condemnation, for Jesus asked the men, HE THAT HAS NO SIN, LET THEM CAST THE FIRST STONE AT THE ADULTRESS! So what happened???.......then HE walked up to the woman... WHERE ARE YOUR ACCUSERS? YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN! GO AND SIN NO MORE! HE CAME FOR THE SINNERS like me and this lady, so let her be abeg!

      Many so-called pastors marriages are breaking up, W-H-Y?????....PLEASE lets STOP all these sanctimonous-holier-than-thou-talk sisters. It would only pull her further into her shell of silence and seclusion and discourage others from speaking up. Thank you.

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    4. hey sis, no one from the previous posts have castigated anyone or have claimed to be holy, but at the same time,can you advice a 21yr old to be a divorcee when things cud still be done? yes, she should empower her self but she shouldn't leave her matrimonial home. the bible says God hates divorce. we should be sincere to ourselves, women are always at the receiving end when things go bad so... at the same time, ladies should try to be chaste, it pays. God bless...

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    5. Anonymous3/24/2013

      chi the bible also said "husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church"

      Delete
  18. mizOsa3/22/2013

    Well said ma Simply mee and Ahdaisy.*clapHands4U*

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  19. Anonymous3/22/2013

    simply mee u are on point

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  20. @ Simply Mee, I love you, There is none righteous, and like Eya said, NO NOT ONE. We all have sinned, whether we acknowledge it or not.

    I still prefer those who keep their pregnancies when they fall into temptation. Some abort two weeks to their wedding, others take contraceptives, some kiss and do everything except insertion. Are they better in any way?
    An Abusive marriage can happen to any one. Be careful how you talk when others are facing challenges, tomorrow could be your turn to ask for advise.

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  21. Seperation is not divorce my dear. The rule of survivor has not changed and it says ME FIRST! I'm a Christian too, so I'm not an advocate of divorce but I can tell you that all the women who died as a result of domestic violence did not die from the first beating or violence. There's nothing wrong with taking yourself away from this madness. It is possible that your husband would evn come to his senses when you leave abd please be careful and be focused, you are not like the average 21yr old so u cannot do what they do, you are not free to date. God has given you talents, discover them and find a way to makr the tenants yield money for you. Focus on writing jamb and be sure to pass it very well. Most states give scholarship to their indigenes at the university. Whatever you do, you must make sure you excel in it. Education is very important, don't waste anymore time, get it fast.

    For those saying she should carry the cross, it is not that easy. My dear, even if it means pretending that you are sick unto death and have your friends take you to your parents for 'treatment', do it. God would guide you on how to go about it but don't make it seem as if you are leaving for good. Leave room for reconciliation. God will be with you. Hope you are borb again cause you need Jesus now mre than ever.

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    Replies
    1. Yes o. Wisdom is profitable. Even the Holy Spirit told the disciples not to go to some places. Born-again or not. You dnt see fire and enter it. Even Jesus escaped from persecutors and only let them catch Him when He was ready to die. This one is not a 'work on your marriage issue', it is a run for your dear life matter!

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    2. Anonymous3/24/2013

      thank you.

      Delete
  22. Anonymous3/22/2013

    Yes sister Chi, GOD hates Divorce as said in N/T but read O/T Deu 24:1,which says: WHERE A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN AND LATER DOESN'T WANT HER, BECAUSE HE FINDS SOMETHING ABOUT HER THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE, SO HE WRITES OUT DIVORCE PAPERS, GIVES THEM TO HER, AND SENDS HER AWAY FROM HIS HOME. {pls you can read the rst verses}

    Many women persevere in their marriages if it issue like finances or inlaws palava, but beating? Making her his punching bag? GOD forbids, if she slumps and dies, a child would be left motherless and the man would go and marry another wife and story continues.
    Please lets be realistic, no parents or siblings or relation would like to see their loved ones beaten by her husband. There is a limit of endurance for everybody.
    She is still very young and can still go to school as she is determined. But now, it is SURVIVAL. She should go to her parents home, who are ready to accept and help her and look after their grandchild, {as I know every average Nigerian grandparents will do :D} then when she becomes financially empowered, I won't be surprised if her husband comes begging, and there would be a round-table discussion to settle things.
    Hope you understand the angle am coming from? Thank you.

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  23. Anonymous3/22/2013

    I don't know why,dis blog gives me joy n i gain more knowledge whenever i read tru it. Than u aunty eya.

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  24. Anonymous3/22/2013

    I had my daughter at the age of 19also and my folks asked if I wanted to marry my daughter's father and I declined and that was it because I knew the guy will neva regard me. my simple advice for u is to get busy and empower urself positively in away u can cater for urself and ur child. my daughter is 5+ now and I'm just 24. Be happy and move closer to people who love God

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  25. Anonymous4/01/2013

    Sumtimes I tink its better if we listen to our parents too. Sum of d comments here shows dat sum of d ladies went against dia parents advice, and am not a fan of marrying at such a tender age, and being witout a job too is anoda issue on its own. I cld jus imagine d psychological trauma she ad to go tru. Like seriously, I av learnt a lot of tins from ur comments ,and am happy to have pple like u here.

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  26. Anonymous4/01/2013

    Mehn na wa o!some women are mean,ignorant and just devilish!abena and chi if it were by d things we did n said,u'd neva make heaven cos u have no compassion!so bcos of one mistake she shld stay dere and die?one day dat man is gona hit her so hard shez gona black out....na wa o!may my children neva meet u or ur decendants bcos u obviously have evil in ur hearts,if dis man kills her now,hu wld take care of her child?hm!na wa 4 una o!may God 4give u!my dear,if u love him so much,pack ur things and be praying 4 him from a distance,d bible says its only d living dat can praise God so move,go back 2 ur parents,even if its pure water,sell it!hardwork never killed any1 and pray very direct honest paryers,tell God what u want and have faith in Him....He will help u

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