I Need Help With My Teenage Daughter

Hello Dear, Eya,
I am writing you because your blog has made me develop strong confidence in you and other women who read that blog. I am suffering so much depression,  I want to be happy, I want my laughter to come from my heart, but this seems impossible. For the past one year, I have been so depressed that even
when I sit in church and praises are going on, I stand up and dance because everyone is dancing. The dance steps are forced, I  try to act dance.

I have been married for 21 years, I married early,I had challenges initially, conception was almost an impossibility. It took my husband and I four years to be able to get pregnant. During those periods, my In-laws made my home a living hell for me. They come in unannounced and call me " a man married to their son" The Single Ladies in the family were my worst nightmare, they were willing and ready to give their brother a wife, who according to them, will give him a child within one year of marriage.

To the glory of God, I got pregnant without even knowing when, gave birth to my daughter, and just one year after that, I gave birth to my twin sons. Raising these three babies all at once was not easy but God saw us through. They are all in Secondary School Right now.

Eya, my purpose of writing is not to tell you about my family history, it is not to tell you and your blog readers about my three children. It is because life has become very sour for me. I need to talk, I tried too many times to talk with my husband, but  he seems too busy and occupied with his job to listen to me. Even when he sits down and I am talking, I have  a feeling his thoughts are very far away,  I have to repeat myself too many times to make him understand what I am going through.
I hear that boys are difficult to raise. I have always felt like daughters are the sweetest when it comes to raising kids. However, what I am going through in the hands of my very first child is so different.

For all the years I waited to get Esther, all I get is rebellion, headaches and no respect whatsoever.  If I had relented in anyway when it comes to Godly upbringing, I would have blamed myself. If I had been lazy with child discipline, I would have blamed myself. If I had failed as a responsible parent in anyway, I would have blamed myself. I left my Great Bank Job then,  because I needed time to raise my children  properly. I forgot about my good pay and was ready to manage with what ever little my stingy husband gave me. ( When I say Stingy, I do not mean that he is not a giver, My hubby is ready to give as much as possible to other people but not to me). I managed with the very tiny their Father always gave me, hoping that one day these children will grow up and things will change for me. My hopes are being  dashed by what I go through in the hands of my girl.

Esther will prefer to lie down and sleep, or listen to music, or watch TV, rather than cook something to eat when she is hungry. Hates to do chores, hates to wash even her own dishes after eating. Cleaning the house can take her a whole day or even more. Washing pots is a no, no, no.
She talks back at me, at the slightest provocation, my daughter is ready to talk back even pointing her tiny fingers at me. I used to flog her I won't lie. Right now, at 17 years, she is too old to be flogged. I can't hit a 17 year old, I can only talk, when I try to correct her on anything, she begins to list things that she feels I too am doing that are wrong and as such I am not perfect.
She, eats and sends her younger ones to clear her plates, when they refuse, it is hell for them, when I try to intervene, she turns her anger to me.
It is as if I have no right to talk to my own child. When I raise my voice at her, she just walks out on me. When I try to ignore her and just live like she doesn't exist around me, I feel guilt as a mother.
My girl looks gentle and respectful outwardly. Every one thinks she is an epitome of a great child to have. No one really knows what I go through at home with a teenage daughter who hates to be corrected.

I tried my best to just bear it and pray and hope that things change. I tried to bring my husband in, but, he just doesn't have that time to listen to me. He behaves as if he sees nothing wrong. He tries his best to be friendly with the children. He neither shouts at nor scolds them. He sees nothing wrong with a child being naughty.

Right now, I am the bad one in the family. My children, especially Esther, feels like their Father is good, while their Mother is wicked or mean, just a bad woman.
I fear that my boys mat begin to copy their sister's character. I want her to be far from my son's so that she does not corrupt their good character. I wish I can send her to a home or any town far away so that I can have some peace in my life. While my sons can cook any meal they want to, they cook and even share with their lazy sister. I do not want them to change. I need advise from other women on your blog, please Eya,

Sister Eya, please, I beg you to post this for me. I don't know how to handle the situation in my family anymore,  I am tired and need any kind of advise that I can get. If there is anything I am doing wrong, that is making my own teenage daughter to be this disrespectful, I want to learn and to change. I need help please!!!
Thank you Eya


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  2. Anonymous2/26/2013

    Wow!!! Prayers is important but have u tried having a heart to heart talk with her??? To find out why she behaves the way she she does?

  3. Uhmnnn... Madam there are some things that are better done by kneeling and praying. This sounds like it has been going on for years, I'll advice that you praay for her and pls why can't u flog a 17yr old. I'll be 21 june and am not above trashing o. And ur husband has a role to play in this matter. He should be the firm one here.
    Pray for her, cane her and talk to her... Make sure u do all these in love and not out of frustration or anger. Very very important. God'll touch her heart and she'll behave better.

  4. Sorry, I mean click on *FEBRUARY 2013* (Blog Archives) for Older Recipes. January will take you to Recipes we posted at the beginning of the year.

  5. Anonymous2/26/2013

    I think u shld be her friend.sendin her away wont hlp mothers shld pls try n be their chldrns friends flogn n wat have u won't help wen u punish a chld call dat chld later n tell hm/ her y u punishd dem. Get ur chld invl in wat u doing its fun doing tins wit ur kids.we r their role models so we shld act well cos dey r watchin

    1. Anonymous2/27/2013

      Just be very patient my dear, wat u wrote was a very classic example of me when I was younger. Reading it, I tot u were describing me. Just keep praying and preaching 2 her coz one day dis will all be historu. Right nw I'm married with a son andd I av so changed I suprise myself sometimes. It is just a phase and it be pass. Just excercise more patience, God is with you.

  6. Anonymous2/26/2013

    I feel ur pain, though I'm not married yet n I don't have a child yet but my advise is this:
    1) Take it to God in Prayer, becos NOTHING is too difficult for him, before we were formed he knew Us
    2) Please do not recent ur first fruit
    3) Try to be her FRIEND not just her Mum. She culd be infulenced by friends n peer pressure could be another reason but pls for d Love of God don't hate ur Child and don't send her to go leave somewhere else (dat culd be dangerous) no ONE I mean no ONE can care n love ur child like u, remember d pains u went thru before God gave her to u, will u becos of this her childish n teenage Tantrum love her d less?
    You are already sounding like u dislike her n d Boys are now ur favorite and pls are u sure u don't show u care about d boys more than d girl? Please sit her down n reason with her, don't force things down her throat, show her u Genuinely want to be her friend. In all I Pray d gud lord touch d heart of ur Daughter n the Holy Spirit will teach u how to handle this. It is well with ur Family.

  7. Anonymous2/26/2013

    Teenagers ve a way of being rebellious, this a time when their bodies are developing, hormones are rageing and the are neither adults nor children. Take time out and listen to your daughter she might be acting up too to get your attention. If you can take her out somewhere informal and just talk tell her how much you care and how you feel about her behavior, please don't nag or raise your voice. Its easy for we parents to transfer agression to a particular child without realising it.

  8. Anonymous2/26/2013

    i used to be like ur daugther, but guess wat im 26 now nd im my mothers best friend, my mum used to b soo worried dt i was lazy nd i had dis teerrible anger going on within me i hated my mum bt as tym went on i realised she wntd d best for me.now my parents look up to me nd ive never disappointed them. trust me ur daughter is just going thru dat phase she wud change with time.

    1. You r sure rite.... Mine problem is fun calls,when they r not home they come back to meet the house neat a well delicious meal and all that,so my parents concluded when they leave me my sense all come together, you all can just excuse her for two day and make her get to cook... good luck thou

  9. Anonymous2/26/2013

    i think its a teenage thing. she is just acting out her hormones.
    but in it all she needs prayers n ur love cos before u knw she will feel u dont love her enough n start seeking for love n attention in the wrong places.
    pls create time out to spend wt her, n never get tired to pray for her.

  10. Anonymous2/26/2013

    From my point of view i would say u painted a really great picture of how u raised ur kids but i am of the opinion that ur daughter did not get lazy and rebellious over night. I believe if u had involved her more in doing chores with u while growing up and u had also talked to her and also showed her the importance of doing chores like cooking and all that with you, she probably would have been doing all that right now. 17 a bit late to start dont u think? I think your only options right now is to face these situations calmly and firmly when they present themselves, like instructing her younger ones not to pick up after her, if she will not cook then she will not eat period, etc. set boundaries in your house and insist they are followed, if she objects just talk to her calmly and let her know she will thank you some day in the future. Also if she has any aunty or relative u know she is close to or looks up too, get them to talk to her also if you have youth counsellors in church talk to them for more advise on ow to approach the situation. Best of luck

    1. You spoke/typed my mind!

    2. Anonymous2/27/2013

      Easier said.

    3. There is nothing like "easier said" let her set the boundaries straight that if she refuse to cook,then she won't eat.And you have to be very serious determine,she will change for good.

  11. Anonymous2/26/2013

    madam your daughter is only acting her age. And she is not too old to be disciplined.
    from age 13 to 19 i was a nightmare to my mother. I still remember my mom giving me a hot slap on my matriculation day in front of everyone. The last time she beat me i was 21(and it was serious beating, as i was being very sturbbon). And i did not like my mom during those years. But Now i love her to bits and there is nothing i will not do for that woman.

    Teenagers will be difficult. some more than others. Remember how you were when you were that age. And your boys will give you stress oo. Count on it. But its all part of growing up.
    I would recommend taking your daughter on a trip or having a girls day, just the two of you. buy her what ever she wants and then have a discussion with her. Let her explain why she is acting out so much. It could be something in school that is affecting her and the only way she knows how to react is to do what she is currently doing.
    When all else fails, the good old smacking will make her behave, if only temporarily.

    1. Dotdot2/26/2013

      Yes I agree with Kiky.

      Just try to be her friend, try to take her out and come down to her level in order to know her mind. And also know the type of friends she keep. Above all be prayerful as well.

      I pray may the Almighty God help you and release unto you the divine wisdom, knowledge and understanding to train her.

  12. You ned to recognize that your daughter is her own person. You are inly the vessel through which she came to this earth. You need to sit down and reflect thoroughly. Why do you get angry when she doesnt do house chores? Will doing house chores ultimately make her successful in thefuture? Do you get mad because you were the child who did house chores and now you expect your child to follow suit. Is it worth ruining your relationship with your daughter over plates and chores that wont really matter in five years? Take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Do you speak to her in the wrong way since you are frustrated about your marriage. Are you taking out the anger of your husband on your daughter? Have a heart to heart discussion with her. Perhaps the twi of you can work out chores SHE likes to do. Your relationship with yr daughter is impt. Dont ruin it over chores.

    1. Queen Bee2/27/2013

      Your comment is so funny!
      How can u say doing chores is not important?mayb u are a man or you aint african cos down here those are the things that mould a woman preparing her for her matrimonial home!
      Imagine having a wife or daughter in law that can't cook or clean and let's see how good ur relationship with her will be!
      U really judged from a very biased point of view!

  13. I should also add that i was also that lazy kid who would rather starve than cook. At one point, my mom planned to dump me in the village, so that i could learn to "work. " I think i turned out alright in the end :D

  14. My dear the water spoilt from d source,God has already created this world and to each person He assigned a specific role to play,trouble creeps in when one of d parties refuses to play his/her role.
    From d picture u depicted above,its obvious ur husband has failed to liveup to his role as a guardian and above all a disciplinarian. The father figure exists for a purpose,he serves as d family police and law enforcer.
    And in ur effort to perform where he has been found wanting,its getting u into d badbooks of ur children
    Av u asked why most children prefer their mothers to their fathers? Its coz the fathers are always d ones punishing them for wrongdoing,while the mothers always pet them or rescue them from their fathers punishment.
    Using ma family as an example,my dad is a very strict disciplinarian dat even d mere sound of his horn calls us all to order no matter d distance,and so endeared us so much to our mum who always come to our rescue when dad is flogging us. Ironically mum is also the one dat usually report us to dad.
    My suggestion is first,u need to take it to God in prayer.
    Secondly ur husband must assume his responsibility as chief disciplinarian of d family.
    Thirdly try to always talk to ur daughter,not shout at her.

    ~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310

    1. Mrs Anon3/22/2014

      @ bonario gbam!. the dad did not try..I have read many good parenting books and one point I picked from them is that parents must never never differ on issues when they give instructions to kids. The two of u must put up a united front or else the child will think one of u is the good one and the other is d wicked one. Pray hard for ur child, poster, and as others have said let her know how much u love her and want the best for her. When there is need for discipline do not slack either, but try to do it in a calm manner, and not with anger. Realise also that there are more painful forms of punishment for a 17 yr old than flogging, I.e. depriving them of things or opportunities they really like.

  15. I agree with all the suggestions above, sending her away wont help at all remember she's still your daughter. Be friends with her, when she talks about the things you do wrong, sit her down and ask her how she will rather have you handle it, after she's done, let her know you understand and will be happy if she also goes about it this way or that way, in a very nice way without anger... after you can even laugh about it.

    You have to try and develop that mother/daughter relationship and pray together with all of them as well.

  16. Anonymous2/26/2013

    Hi, my heart goes out τ̅☺ u! Am an addicted reader of this blog. This is my first time at commenting though.. Prayer is key, pray against every spirit of wrongdoing in her, then try talking τ̅☺ her . Finally, I tink u need τ̅☺ talk τ̅☺ a counsellor about it. If u do dis u wuld discover dat u also have some areas that u need τ̅☺ work on. U can pls talk τ̅☺ praise fowowe.. Add him on bb 2A9B2D2F if ure on bb. I tink he would be able τ̅☺ help u out. Best wishes ma.

  17. 'Be anxious 4 nothin, but in everything by prayers and supplication....'Phil 4:6
    I dont know if ure a christian, but there's nothing prayers would not solve.
    Asides prayers, u nid to find time to talk to her, heart to heart talk, listen to her, her views and opinions, let her pour out her heart to u, let her know u r not going to judge her or use anything she says against her, encourage her to open up, u'll realise dat its not as bad as u think.
    Its rili those teenage excesses and peer pressure which will surely pass. Also let her know u av good intentions and love her even wen u discipline her.
    Sincerely,like Bonario said, ur hubby rili nids to assume his position and take up d responsibility of disciplining d children, its very important for the father to play this role in the family, so wen he's rili listening to you,pls discuss dis wiv him.
    I'm sure you'll be fine in the long run.

  18. Typical teenage rebellion. Thinking of the letter my mother would have written when i was a teenager....lol. Poor woman, now we are best friends. Just chill out. Try to talk to her when you are not fighting or there's no issue at hand. Do little things that make her feel special. Nigerian parents don't know how to talk to their children, they just lecture and lecture and lecture. No conversation takes place. Show her love and hopefully she will grow out of it.

    Above all, you need to let her know you don't think she's a bad child and you love her unconditionally. She's just been a teenager, some are more rebellious than others. Trust me, i know because i was one and i would like to think i turned out okay and my mom is proud of me. So madam, chill out.

  19. I think there is a part you failed in but from ur perspective, you cant see it.

    2. Also, I am married, but the last time my mum came to see me, she almost beat me for talking back at her. When I say almost, she actually hit me but stopped herself afterwards. So ur child is not above trashing.

    3. Your husband has a big part to play. Your children see it as nothing can happen to them cos their dad is on their side. He has a big fatherly role to play. Not just breadwinner.

    3. Pray for her always, believe, there is nothing like 'acting her age'. i was once a teenager but I did not have to liver to d o half the things she is doing. I dnt still have the liver sef...lol

    4. Dnt speak evil about her to her or to anyone else. I mean dnt curse her or throw abuses at her like useless child, ungrateful, lazy, dirty, idiot, foolish....or whatever. Always say what you want to see in her no matter what she does. Cos there's power in ur words. Especially concerning ur children. I remember while growing up, even after doing something bad, my mum will keep telling us to our faces that we are good children whether we like it or not, that we will never bring shame to her, that we will all be successful, that none of us is useless, that we are blessed. Believe me, it made us all feel bad afterwards. And truly we all turned out good. In her family, they refer to us as the only ideal children. :-)

    When she used to trash us, they said she was too harsh. Now, they are saying she has the best kids.

  20. Anonymous2/26/2013

    Hello ma. Dnt beat urself or get depressed over this. What she needs now is a friend . Dnt be a dictator. Talk to her,listen to all she has to say. Cultivate friendship with her. Begin to talk to her as an adult and also retain ur stand as a mother. Dnt spare the rod when you have too. Above all prayer works wonder. Bring her and ur husband to God. When there is salvation their is a great change. God will help u. Dnt give up nώ. Peace.

  21. Anonymous2/26/2013

    I believe you are pouring a bit of frustration out on your daughter especially since you believe ur hubby doesn't listen to u. Its a normal thing for teenagers to be rebellious bt with patience,love and God's grace,ud have a lovely daughter.Also,stop comparing your daughter to your sons.they are unique individuals with unique strengths,try to look at what your daughter excels at and build on it and she would in turn reciprocate with the things u want her to do

  22. Anonymous2/26/2013

    I was once a teenager, I was also rebellious, my Dad well, he loved me sooooo much, but he scolded me every now an den, my mum was d tigress, I no even wan use eye see am, but today she is my bestie.
    Honestly S, U sound like U r wallowing in self pity, carrying urself abt with a pitiable attitude, U nned to be the wiman of d house, stand ur ground, let d chic know U mean biz, let her know she dares not tuk back at U, d next tym she tries walking out onU, drag her back and ask her to stand there.
    She needs to see the new U n know things are not d same anymore, U r not a threat, theres no power tussle, there is only one person in charge in that house.
    I m not a mother yet and I stopped being a teenager 8yrs ago, it was in my first yr I began to appreciate my mum, she is my BESTIE now. It

  23. Anonymous2/26/2013

    It was so bad I d rather sleep in my Dads rum for my siesta!
    Above all, pray for her!
    Again, r U doin anything to keep busy other than being a housewife, kids these days dnt hv a lot of regard for the mother they see at home cooling and cleaning, luk for sth small U can start up with the lil money U hv.
    Join a group in church and be very active, devote ur tym to sth beneficial outside d house, get very busy, ur kids and hubby will miss U a lil.
    Show interest, genuine interest in ur daughters affairs and ur boys too.
    Ur knees are one great power U hv, PRAYER CHANGES THINGS.
    Dont lose hope, dont be cast down and dont carry a forlorn look around d house.

  24. Chacha2/26/2013

    Are you worried about her not doing house chores or is there something more? Did she just start this behaviour or it was there all along? i think i quite agree with all the comments above especially anno 12.29. All these depends on the way you raised her.U said when u try to correct her, she list things she 'feels' u do wrong urslf, hmmmmm, am thinking u av exposed her to so much and trying to curb her now wont be so easy, but with God, it will. I feel ur pain and i can imagine how it is.I wud suggest u go tru som pple that are close to her that you feel she listens to. Also kip a close one on the kind of friends she keeps. God is ur strength, His will wil neva take you where His grace can not protect you. Cheers!

  25. kendra2/26/2013

    Your daughter is just acting her age... teenagers are very rebellious,they all seem good and nice on the outside but the inside is something else... I was very rebellious and sturbborn when i was growing up and my mom never failed to put me where i belong whenever i mess up..

    Shes not to big to be disciplined,what do u mean u can discipline a child who is 17? i was disciplined till i got married o.. ah ah...

    one thing u should do is be ur daughter's mum and friend cos i remember even with the fact that i was stubborn,i was still able to tell my mom everything going on with me and she would advice me as a friend and a mother,my friends always said i had a cool mom cos she would let me go out of the house and come back at 9pm which was my curfew time but every 3months,she did virginity test on me cos shes a nurse. So she was mean as a mom and cool as a fiend cos we shared clothes and shoes and we hang out with me on daily basis..

    so I suggest u start disciplining her and setting her right... also sit her down and talk to her to her and let her know she can share anything going on with u cos u want to be her friend too not just her mom...

    then dont forget to keep praying,prayer answers everything and make sure u guys have like morning prayers and night prayers together

  26. Shayor2/26/2013

    Can you take a break from scolding for a while, and I agree with a comment here, get a job or a small business, when ppl see less of you, it dawns on dem that u will not always be der. I suggest you become a friend now and not a nagging mother, its a tick off! Go out, talk about boys, yes, Boys because ofcourse she talks about boys with her friends. That way, she would loosen up gradually! Meanyle, I hope u are prayerful cos u have not started mothering if you are not prayerful.

  27. This is such a touching one and I feel this woman's pain as I try to imagine my own child acting up like this and how saddened I'd be by it. So many excellent practical tips have been given and I do not really have much to add, but this: sometimes, you may not have done anything wrong in the parenting process to merit a child's misbehavior. It is so easy to blame a mother for the way a child has turned out, when it is not our own child. Someone once said that they had all sorts of pet theories on how to raise children the proper way, until they became a parent, and all those theories flew out of the window.

    I'd just suggest that you go into a prayer warfare for your child. Get the book, 'Power of a praying parent,' it is really useful. Sometimes, when you try all you know to do, and things do not work out, be sure that the enemy is after something else other than the physical manifestation of rebellion that you are witnessing. Pray, and if possible join a support group of other praying mums to lift up your child in prayer. Also, try and find out who her close friends are, and you cannot do this, if you alienate her. Sometime you need to don the friendship garb, at other times, you need to be firm enough to be her parent, not friend-find the balance. Like someone has said here, please, try as much as possible, not to use negative pronouncements on your child because the Bible says that the words that we speak, are spirit and life. Take a daily confession in your prayer closet that your children will bring honor to you. I believe that this phase shall pass, and you will have your daughter back, if you do not give up on her

  28. Anonymous2/26/2013

    My dearest. Send me ur email add. Will forward u somethings. Bola

  29. Anonymous2/26/2013

    Don't worry when she sees d 4 walls of a labor room in future she will call u and beg 4 ur forgivnessssssss so 4 now just keep praying 4 her and do more of talking than scolding so she dose not think ur always attaking her.

  30. Anonymous2/27/2013


  31. Anonymous2/27/2013

    Growing up ws hard 4 me,my mum didn't go 2 sch,my dad died wen I ws 2yrs n we were left 2 suffer,I ws exposed early 2 all sorts of things(good n bad). I xpectd too much attention frm my mum who neva had any attention..ma grandma left her wen she ws 10 n she ws raised by her wicked step mom who treated her like a slave n bkos of dat my mom got married 2 my dad early,she ws jst 13 n my dads last child (frm my step mum) ws 26 n my step mum has 5 children so we neva knew luv plus my mom was too busy n she neva asked certain questions n dat med me(if nt all of us) seek 4 various types of attentions frm various places,I began 2 hv dis attraction 2 older women arnd my mom's age,jst 2 b arnd dem bt dey introduced me 2 so many things,to my mum,she ws doing evrything 2 raise us well bt she left d most important part out,she wsnt dia n she wsnt our friends(esp 2 ma sis n I)u were wrong wen u tot girl childs r easier 2 raise bkos dats d most difficult part of being a parent..being able 2 attend 2 d emotional nids of ur kids n woteva vaccum u leave out(wether knowing or otherwise)it'll b dia 4eva,so pls dnt think u've given ur best untl u see d best in dem bkos if u dnt,u'll daint a whole generation of women frm ur daughter....Gud luck

  32. Queen Bee2/27/2013

    I just add that since her Dad as bona rightly said isn't cautioning her,that makes it difficult for u,but not impossible!
    Ma'am its at this point in her life she needs all the moulding dat she will need for her future and she will hate u leta if u let her be now,so its better she hates you now.
    Be very firm with ur instructions and make sure she Does them!
    Apart from beating (which ofcourse she's not too big for),u can ground her (stop her from going out)for a while depending on the offence,take away some priviledges eg Phones,IPAds things that she loves etc but basically any luxury thing you know she likes or is obsessed with,use it to discipline her.
    she might seem to revolt more at first but over time if u insist,she will humble herself.
    Also if u keep taking sh*t from this one,the younger ones will do the same to you knowing that their big sis did it and nothing happened!be the 'Lion of the tribe'of ur house for now,never mind cos teenegars will always need a lion'!!
    This was the scenario while I was growing up:my mum couldn't hurt a fly,so when my dad who was the lion passed on,it was almost impossible for her cos we all started following suit our elder sis (the chief rebel),cos we noticed she misbehaves and nothing happens,infact my mum will rather cry!.....it went on till my mumsie woke up one day and decided to be a terrorist,every rebel temperature come down na'!!and we lived happily ever after!

  33. Anonymous2/27/2013

    the best is to pray for her. i had that attitude in my in my early days with my mum,always remind her that her own children will do it back to her. everything would be fine..trust me my mum still flogs me till now and if that would also help,pls do.

  34. First thing is this; how close were you to her before and how closer are you to her now? Do you feel closer to your sons than to your daughter? We know that mothers take preference to sons over their female kids, its natural but do you make it obvious? Take this scenario as an instance; you ask her to wash the plates and she refuses then you decide to ask your sons and they do it. Do you praise them in her presence? Thus making her feel incompetent. Drop the subject of how you left your job to take care of your kids, a lot of mothers do this and believe me, its for their best interest and not for their kids most of the time. Training your kids by yourself helps you understand them better and draws you closer to them. I will not disregard the fact that some kids hit their teenage years and grow stubborn, it is common... most kids feel they know more than their parents ( I used to be like that) but lets try to understand these kids. Yes, pray for her but have you called her to you and spoken to her? She is a grown up and she really needs to listen to you and also needs to be heard. How much of the time do you let her speak? I feel, she is trying to fight back for something you said or did which you cannot remember but being a child, she doesn't know how to tell you. Believe me, that girl loves you more than ever but if only you could look for that little child in her which you used to connect with before now and draw it out of its shell. My advice to you is this; choose a day for her, maybe a weekend, start the day in prayer, then go to her and tell her you want her to go out with you. Take enough money from your savings and buy her whatever she wants (within your limit) take her to the salon and give her a hair treat, make your hair too and joke about hairstyles, this would bond the two of you. After that, treat her to some fast food or something she likes, at this point, talk to her. Tell her how you feel and how it hurts you when she tells you hurtful words, tell her how much you waited for her birth and how much joy she brought to you the first time you heard her cry, let the words flow and give her a chance to tell you how she feels deep within. You will be surprised by the outcome. No child is a problem, they are all blessings, open your mouth and prophesy greatness into their lives and they will make you proud with their achievements. This is the link to my blog http://lifeofaveryfunkynaijateenager.blogspot.com/ it's a story on different Nigerian teenagers and how each of them expresses themselves and the little mistakes they make. Click and read, you should have her read it too.... i believe it will help. God bless.

  35. Anonymous2/27/2013

    My dear lady, some things went wrong from the beginning but it may not be too late.
    1. you do not have a relationship with your daughter. There was no time for mother and daughter talk. Its really not too late. Sit down with her, talk with her, laugh with her then she can hardly keep secrets from you and there would be a relationship.
    2. When you are in the kitchen, let her stay with you. do the cooking together. if you started this way then she won't find such stressful. I have a 5year old daughter who initially did not love to work. so now we cook together while she serves her food and her brothers' on the dinning. when they come back from school she fills their water bottles with water and put in d freezer and puts snacks in their bags for the next day. i applaud her so much when she does this so she looks forward to doing this. i equally have work for the boys even my 2yr old.
    3. i do not believe in flogging. i am an example of a child that was not flogged by her parents and turned out well. No rebellion what so ever. i started flogging my boys and i noticed they became very stubborn and daring so i stopped and we are closer now. i tell them what i feel they didn't do well and make them understand the consequence and we are good. That is not to say that i/we do not face the daily challenges of parenting, but we dialogue more. i was a teacher and we were propagating the "Say No to Flogging" in Nigerian Schools.
    4. Prayer Prayer Prayer. I pray for my kids more than anything else so that where and when i do it wrongly, God's mercy takes over. Bible reading is essential. also Pray with her.
    5. Tell her stories or watch films together that shows where people failed as a result of disobedience and general misbehavior.
    6. Never get tired or give up on your child. If you as a mother give up on the child, trust me No one will do other wise. that is where your success or failure is rated by humans and even God.Thanks. Meg O.
    i used my self as example because i was a teacher and i saw many things so i made up my mind early to put some things in place. raising children is not a joke but God is also there for people who believe and call on him
    God bless you as u try harder.

  36. Anonymous2/28/2013

    I feel compelled to comment bc my dad is exactly like ur hubby. While growing up the house would be dirty and my dad won't even say anytg or scold us. Then my mom was a TIGER. She would scold @ EVERYBODY including her husband. Eg my youngest sibling spills water on the floor and nobody cleans.
    1. Who spilled d water? Youngest - get ur own scolding 4 spilling water and leaving it there.
    2. Who saw the water on the floor? Middle siblings - so it didn't occur 2u 2clean it?
    3. Me - eldest, so u don't know that as the eldest u have to keep an eye and direct everytg.
    4. Daddy - bc ur children never do wrong that Y u won't scold them abi. "One day they ll spoil and we ll all bear the consequences"
    My point is talk and scream abt it to ur hubby, so that God ll vindicate U when anytg happens.

    To ur daughter,
    She is undergoing teen troubles right but any day she talks back @ U and even points fingers - SLAP the hell out of her.
    If she doesn't like cooking, that is not a bad thing. The bad one is not KNOWING how to cook. Personally too, I don't like cooking. I wld r'd go hungry than cook. But my mom made sure I was in the kitchen anytime she is cooking, so I grudgingly learnt. (2day, I'm married to a man that can't even boil water. So I cook)

    Another technique, my mom used that worked miracles with us was telling us her teen stories. This is a pathway to becoming ur child's friend. If she had started with asking us abt ours we wld have bulged. But she started with telling us hers - how beatiful she was, how she met dad, her parents, school, WAEC experience, she was even expelled in second sch. The result was that we knew so much abt her, and with time we began telling her our own story and seeking her advice. My siblings and I see that my 'HARD' mom as our best friend 2day. Unlike my harmless dad. Infact, we do joke that left 4 us and our dad, we wld hv bn spoilt rotten.

    And don't forget praying 2gether. The family that prays 2gether stays 2gether. Me, I'm yet to fully that one in my household now. But U can and shld. Watching my parents pray 4us did lots of good 2us.

    Good luck dear

  37. Anonymous2/28/2013

    For a second, I tot my mom wrote dz.. Tho am over 21. Hmmm..I don't hate my mom, buh jx lyk ur daughter, I don't get along well with her. And am d only daughter and eldest.
    She iz very hardworking to a fault while am not. So if u r found sittin down, watchin tv u r automatically labeled lazy. And I feel dat am lazy today is partly her fault. My people will say "adighi amu aka ekpe na nka" (u don't learn how to use ur left hand at old age) wen we were younger she prefers doing doz fins on her own, sometimes she shoos me outta d kitchen then if it seems I will waste her tym. So how can she eXpect me to learn doz fins nw dat am older. Same tin is appenin now wif d last born of d house who is in jss 2, instead of shoutin at d boy to go wash her clothes, she washes dem herself wic I don't lyk. He can't learn unless he starts now.

    So woman u r obviously d workaholic and d "difficult to please" fault finder type kinda lyk mom. And obviously u don't respect d head of d house, calling him stingy husband, wic is unnecessary in dz write-up attests to dat. And u show dz disrespect in d presence of ur kids n expect dem (esp d gal who loves her dad more-daz natural by d way) to respect u? Same problem I av wif my mum.

    Another reason y am angry wif my mom is cos I expected much more frm her. My mom neva bought PAD for me or give me dat tutorial mothers giv daughters wen dey see dia ist menses... Wot of buyin bra n pant? Or doz b mindful of urself talks. I got doz infos on my own and being someone dat wants to turn out a decent person, I advised myself to keep myself at dat early age. If not...

    She iz d self righteous one n complains alwz of how she suffers n suffers more dan evryone in d house.

    And seems u v so much anger in u(mayb cos u r yet to find happiness or fufillemnt), wic u let out esp wen u scold dem or lash at dem. I so hate dat. And den she lyks embarrasing ppl outside then. One tin I hate. So, I don't like going out wit her
    Anoda is dat u can't ask her for 5 naira n she oblige u dat. She will either say I don't v or d one I av is for dz, dat bla bla. Now I rather ask our last born for money dan ask her.
    And yes I too look so gentle n respectful outwardly, I can handle insults, embarrasment outside buh nt inside d house.
    So ol I'm tryin to point out from my own experince is, u v many shortcomings u need to deal with.

    Well avin grown up, I came to understand dat is d upbringing she had, lost mum at a very early stage, she barely knows her, raised by a wicked step-moda n strict workaholic dad. So its rily nt her fault.

    1. Anonymous3/07/2013

      This is exactly my story. However, i'm single, 29, still in my mother's house and now, i'm getting ready to leave the house and start my own life. Call it stupidity, call it rebellion, whatever, i call it freedom from years and years of slavery and no appreciation.

      Madam, shouting will never cut it. Ever. Spanking won't either. Always try and understand the child. Talk with her, not to her! She has a mind of her own. Be careful what u say to that child..words go far and they don't die. As a parent, we need to be extra sensitive to our kids.

      That's my 2 kobo... ciao

  38. Anonymous4/12/2013

    Honey @Single 29 Anonymuos. You will come to appreciate your mom later and you will love her like never before . Just wait until you get married. Just wait.

  39. Anonymous6/21/2013

    I'm 17 too xo i understand, complain less, question her less....she jus doesn't wanna be disturbed...nd try being her frnd....If u can get so close dat she gists wit u about her frnds nd about Boys, beleive me u'v already succeeded

  40. Anonymous6/21/2013

    I'm 17 too xo i understand, complain less, question her less....she jus doesn't wanna be disturbed...nd try being her frnd....If u can get so close dat she gists wit u about her frnds nd about Boys, beleive me u'v already succeeded

  41. There's an African proverb that says that Okro can never grow more than the owner because even when it does the owner will have to bend it to pluck it. At 17 your daughter is not too big to handle. I agree that your hubby has failed in his role as a father, you would have to sit him down and let him know the consequences of his action and that he should realize that his failure to live up to his responsibility as a father will tell on his kids turn out in future. Just like someone advised, try and be close to your daughter, however you need to be firm. If she crosses the line don't fail to enforce discipline. I remember that as even as a young man in the university I dare not talk back to my mother so please learn to be firm and to exert your authority. I wish you good luck.

  42. Anonymous12/23/2013

    I'm a 15 year old girl and understand I have no experience as a mother, however, maybe it would be helpful to see from a similar point of view, because to be honest, this post reminded me of myself. I wasn't like this before but when I felt nothing was enough anymore (vague description, I know, I don't want to share details.) I became depressed and began to not want to do anything but sit in my room, play on my phone, and waych Netflix. People being in my room bothered me and when people told me what to do I got upset with myself and felt overwhelmed even though the only thing i had planned was playing on my phone. So I just didn't want to do them at all. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you but that could possibly just be a phase for me. Although from my depression, anxiety stimulate soon after. I didn't like to talk to people. I didnt want to be around anyone not even the people I was closest to. Its hard as an outsider looking in to understand exactly why this is happening. I seen some people said to have a heart to heart talk with her but if she is feeling this way because she is depressed or anxious like me, which may not be the case, keep in mind, that this may make her feel anxious and scared. Yes you are her mother and she should feel comfortable with you, try not to be to upset if she is not, I have always been close with my mom, but I wasn't anymore. Maybe be more subtle about figuring out the root of the problem. I think mine was insecurities and pety things. And as a teen the insecurities just seem so much worse. If yiu directly ask her what is wrong chances are she will say she is fine. I did not want to talk to people simply because I was so embarrassed, which was from my social anxiety, that I just blew them off. Try to be calm with her. No yelling. Dont tell her what she is doing wrong because she probably knows and will become defensive and turn the conversation back on you. Yiu need to figure out the root of the problem and determine how and which way would ve best to fix it. Understand your daughter will bot participate if she did not accept the way you have chosen so you will need to compromise with her. Also keep in mind this may not be what is actually wrong but you could still try to fix the problem the same way.

  43. Anonymous3/03/2017

    She is just going through a phase. Just be firm and continue to pray for her. As she grows older she will understand the foolishness in her ways and change.


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