Thursday, September 14, 2017

My Periods

I went to a male friend's house who is a newly qualified doctor.
We have always liked each other but never dated and we have been friends for years.
The day I went to his house, I was emotionally down, broken inside and seeking comfort so when I was offered alcoholic drink, I drank so much of it.
Normally, I'm a person that can handle some percentage of alcohol but I took a whole lot more and Charles was surprised.
Later, I wanted to go, but staggered to the door and even to wear shoes seemed impossible for me. Charles had to make me stay; he carried me and went to drop me on his bed since I could not even walk.
In that state, we made out on his bed. Kissed but no clothes were removed. I pushed him away, fell into that drunken sleep and slept for so many hours. Later, I woke up to see him working on his laptop as if nothing happened.
It suddenly seemed like all Facebook posts were about being a single mom.
I was expecting my periods even on the day I went to his house but it didn't come that day. Two weeks later, my periods still didn't come. I started googling pregnancy whatever. At first, I laughed cause I was sure I didn't have sex. Then with each passing day, fear set in.
I began to shake. I considered all I didn't think of before:
After two weeks of no period, I panicked because I was not even dating this guy. I started consoling myself that he's very handsome so at least my child will not be woh woh. I was no more sure of what I witnessed in his apartment. My mind tormented me. I heard voices in my head. I started asking Google "can just kiss and romance get a girl who was fully clothed pregnant?" Google scared me. Tribal differences. Child out of wedlock
How will his future wife treat my daughter later (I was already sure it was a girl and Mirabella was the name I picked in my subconscious).
How I'm just a law student. My father will die of shame. My neighbors will laugh and probably nickname my child 'Degree' for that's the Degree I brought back from school. But No, I tell myself. I can't abort my own child. All these with no pregnancy test done. What if he touched me when I was sleeping? But Charles is not like that. I will kill him if he's gotten me pregnant! What if this young man did not actually touch me in my sleep?
Please don't let Satan win this battle. That little voice asked me "was it Satan that pushed you to that house Or Satan poured the drink in your mouth?"
How do I convince him that I got pregnant? At times my mind will just laugh and tell me not to be stupid, that pregnancy can never happen like that. Then after, panic attacks come again. God please send me my period. Remember the promises you made. God I know Satan is trying to kill me by making me pregnant. I thought of suicide, I weighed the options of rat poison and drowning. At least, they'll have no choice than to pity me if I die. Pregnancy test have I done?
I panicked and texted a friend who is a final year medical student. I begged him to come and see me. He asked why and I started crying. He asked if it's money so he could just transfer then come see me later. I screamed no, that money was not my problem.
No. I can't imagine going to a doctor. Why should I go to a doctor when Charles is there living comfortably? I didn't even want to know the result. I crossed my fingers until they ached. God please I'll never go to anyone's house again. Forgive me, you know I'm just 20. For the sake of my parents who deserve better, please forgive and let this pass by me. I started speaking to myself and nobody understood what was going on.
Suddenly I realized I was just a child.
The guy had to shut down all his plans and planned how travel down from another state to see me the next day. This is a guy that has been asking me on dates and I've been rejecting. That same day.. I'd look at my breast in the mirror and say "Jesus. Was my breasts this size before?" Google responses kept drumming in my mind. Many times I picked up the phone to call my sister but lacked courage. Two weeks only. I wondered how I'll survive 9 months. Thoughts of ante natal made me shudder. That night I knelt down and dusted my Bible. I said God please don't do this. Please send my period.
While sitting there on my urine container, I swore that if I was pregnant, I'd go to Charles and hold his shirt. I would scream "what did you do
That same night, I stayed awake planning that I had to buy test strip the next day before my friend enters into town. Then he'll probably examine me. If I eat, a voice tells me "see how you're eating like a pregnant woman". I had to play loud gospel music like "we're waging war" to shut out the voices in my head. I started waging war even in my dreams. The next morning, I tried to pee that first morning urine into a container and test later only for me to mistakenly kick the container down. See me running after my pee and even sat second round to see if I could induce urine.

what did you do when I fell asleep?" His Neighbors must gather.
I deleted all the numbers of chykers on my phone. Devil from the village is a liar.
I swore never to visit a man again.
After sitting for minutes thinking, I decided to wipe myself since no pee came again and I saw blood stains.
Imagine the joy. That joy that is beyond human understanding. Someone needed to see how I welcomed my cramps with joy.
The next morning, my calendar reminder rang and showed me that was when I was expecting my period that day.
Imagine the happiness I had from stain on my dress. My period had not delayed at all. I just forgot that the cycle changed two months back.
Excerpts from the book "Diary of a Nigerian Girl" by Toiyoabasi Ekong.

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