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Tuesday, August 01, 2017

"Am I supposed to relate with my husband like an employee? he says I have no right to be angry at him or tell him that I feel insulted"

Is a wife wrong to be angry at her husband?

Good morning Aunt Eya:
I was wondering if you could help post on your blog or respond to me personally.
Hope your family is great. Firstly, I want to thank you for this opportunity to reach out to you via this means. I have this little problem that won't make me sleep well. please I need your advise on this one.
My name is Bekky (you may change the name for privacy concern) and I have been married for four years now. I don't know...but is it wrong for me to be angry at something that upsets me? 
Anytime I have a slight fracas with my hubby and it has to do with money or something else and i get angry, it becomes a problem. I will try to very detailed by using an instance that recently happened. 
I'm a stay-home mum but I freelance for a living. I have known my husband for 10 years. During the period we dated, he supported financially even though I never asked for a dime. But then, anytime we had a misunderstanding, he was quick to calling me a gold-digger and this used to hurt that i almost quit the relationship because using that term was so demeaning and insulting. Before we wedded, I made sure to end the part of him calling me  gold-digger by asking him to stop rendering help to me. 

We are married now and things are really cool with us but for this one part. I was jobless for a long while but because i didn't want the gold-digger name to resurface, i maintained my lane and i'm that contented and i'm a sucker for living an independent life. I took on freelancing and it's been really cool. I just started freelancing full time barely a month ago and every dime i made, i used in offsetting some debts. So, hubby complained that i don't use cream and it's not good for his public image that "people will be talking" and i was like "do i really care about what people say?" I'm not looking hungry and so i don't have to be a slay mama. i'm not kidding but i look 18 when in fact i'm 9 years older. The issue is this: It's not as if i don't like to rub cream and do fine geh o or i don't know how to buy cloth and be slaying o but I have more pressing issues.

I'm really lucky not be bother about those things because my in-laws are super nice. Now, i have other things to bother about. My skin is extra sensitive so i'm tired of jumping from cream to cream and thank goodness, i have a dark skin. So, as i was saying, i have a younger sister in school who is my responsibility. I have parents too who are looking up to me, so i cant't go and buy buy cream pf 15k na when I have a sister who hasn't eating or my mum who's waiting on me.

He asked why i don't rub cream and i responded that i don't have money yet for the one i like. He asked for the name and i said i had no idea that it's an organic product and once I have the money, I will get it. Hubby got angry that i don't care about his public image and i really don't understand why i will be worried about people's opinion of me. I do my best not to complain of whatever he gives for the upkeep. This year has seen the worst of prices in the market and i have never complained or asked for more. I told him that i didn't want to bother him with my issues and that I won't be happy if someone calls me a gold digger. he got angry asking me who gave me the right to be angry? He said: " I'm your husband. You have no right to say that i'm insulting you. Do you know the insults i receive at work"? 

I'm quite confused. Was I really wrong to be angry or to express my concerns on how I feel?  How can i navigate through this one? I don't understand why I should be like an an employee.

PS: Please i will appreciate constructive criticisms from the married.  Mbok, no cussing. Na advice i dey find. 

Thanks all.

13 comments:

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    ReplyDelete
  2. Vera MbakweAugust 01, 2017

    Employee ke? Even if he is paying u to be a stay-at- home mom, you are still his wife and partner. Ofcourse you have a right to get angry and express how you feel and when you do that, its up to him to try and see things from your point of view, apologise, change what he can or explain why he did or does what he did or does; simple. He is either not educated or reasonable enough to see life and marriage like that or he is having complex issues or problems at work and trying to take it out on you. Try to reason with him when he is less edgy, when he is in a relaxed mood and remind him why you do not want to ask him for money. Every woman should know the right moment to discuss serious issies with her hubby. Good luck

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hilda NwezeAugust 01, 2017

    Mehn I understand dat situation. I am nt married bt dis is hw my father acts.wen u ask for money he ll use it to insult u..Wen u don't ask he feels insulted...And u av no right to feel insulted ,u re nt supposed to feel dat way..Its very painful.For me u av to really talk to him.Its his responsibility u can't do it all on ur own.Dis one no b independence matter..Ure his wife and he has a role to play.And he really needs to do his part.And d next Tym he calls u a gold digger ..Tell him ure digging ur husband's gold.Abi na who wan dig am bfor?If u don't eat his money who will?

    ReplyDelete
  4. NO. A wife is not wrong to be angry at oga at the top when she is upset. Getting married doesn't remove feelings/emotions from your system. Before you got married, there was a little problem that wasn't addressed properly. Telling him to stop rendering help to you? A man you are going to spend the rest of your life with? That wasn't a solution. Now you are married and that little mistake lingers, he doesn't think it's his responsibility, more like you 2 live together, raise kids and parent them,I don't know how to explain this in a way that makes sense oh.... His head controls much more than heart maybe and in this case it will look like of like employer/ employee or Lord/ servant relationship.

    It seems to me like his understanding of marriage is different from most people. Men sometimes think and calculate more than they feel and some people naturally hardly feel anything, so, it's the brain that controls. It's difficult for some people to look at you and read how you feel, especially men. I'm trying hard not to talk much about the foundation; the very beginning before you two got married but I can't because that is where your marriage structure stands. A boyfriend called you a gold digger? He opened his mouth and called you that? Then, you made stop using those words on you. How? Did he apologize to you or he didn't care much perhaps because you were already pregnant or he had seen that you cannot end the relationship? Using those words on a woman you want to make your wife is unacceptable.
    Well, now you are married and to be honest with you, I feel like you will be happy if you do not expect much and do not try to change the formula. It is what it is unless you want to leave. If you want to stay, THAT is who your husband is and it will take the grace of God Almighty. Being independent and suffering like a married single will not make him realize anything, he is happy you told him to stop rendering help and will not care what you go through trying to prove that you can take care of yourself. Maybe you said that because you had a job at the time and now you like every wife atleast expect him to know that you are in need of money and his support but he may not see things your way.

    It will break the hearts of readers of your mail, the fact that you were in debt, started working and using every dime to settle debts? You don't seem like a materialistic person to me, those debts you may have incurred on basic needs while oga maybe only expects you perform his duties, set the table for dinner, work hard in the other room, take good care of him and still take care of yourself all by yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hubby complains that you don't rub cream and he thinks that you do not love your self and do not want to pamper yourself? You see what I'm saying, he doesn't really know that you and the kids are his responsibility, he may just be feeling like you are supposed to take care of your needs while he takes care of his and then you both contribute for the kids. I think it's a good thing you took your mind off materialistic things and other things that women love because if not, you'll be really miserable and depressed. His expectations are high but doesn't seem like he wants to bear the load with you. If your skin is good and not dry, please try and use deodorants in your armpits atleast before you go to bed let it not be that he is trying to send a message but you don't understand. If you are dark skinned and he complains about cream, does it mean that he wants you to start bleaching now? Why start complaining about cream after 10 years of knowing someone? Well, if you applied cream on your body before but stopped maybe because of funds, please start again, try using his cream with him if it's good on your skin, just continue as that way you won't have to bother when it's getting exhausted.

    You are carrying a whole lot of burden alone while you are married and living with someone. If you can survive these 10 years, then you can survive forever if you do not try to change things from what they have always been. You can only bend you, change you, advise you, and try your best but that is not how marriage should be.

    ReplyDelete
  6. There are a few wives in similar situations as you and truth is, they're not really happy but managing and taking one day at a time because of their kids and telling themselves that there's no perfect marriage, which is true. While your own doesn't like to release money, he isn't violent and some men like that can be very faithful and loyal in marriage. You have a right to be angry but I'll advise that you be smart when angry, because you may end up apologizing all the time for the things said in anger while he never apologizes to you.

    The age difference too. Some men, if the gap is much, they see you as a small girl who should respect them not only as husbands but as seniors too. Some may even try to parent you without realizing what they are doing. The home, the family is not an office and shouldn't be managed like an office. The respect a wife gives her husband is not the same as employees at work, it's different.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Maybe you try being official, like addressing him as sir and standing with arms in front or behind your back when he speaks, curtseying when you serve him to see if he won't get uncomfortable and complain. Don't expect it to be easy, don't expect any drastic change, don't kill yourself fasting daily to change your husband but continue to pray for him and for your marriage and ask God to show you the way and what works in this situation.
    Congratulations, now you have a job and very soon you'll see that most things don't matter to you anymore as you earn your own money.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks a lot everyone and Madam Eeya. I probably didn't set things his right from the onset. He's not going to apologize and that's what hurts the most. I sincerely wish he would read these comments. As for me, I have made up my mind to fight my way to the top, no matter what it takes. I really don't know how to change his notion. The relationship with your wife should be different from the home front in my opinion. He feels that because i don't work in an office, I don't know what he goes through. I'm tempted to take this issue to his elder brother but i don't know if it's the right thing to do.

    Why I don't like him spending on me is this: he robs it on me each time we have a slight misunderstanding. He takes record and keeps screaming "How many men do what I do?" It's disheartening.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nne, first stop letting everything he says get to you. Once he understands that anything he says does not affect u, he will cool down.
      If he is not broke, please ask him for money for cream(after all he said u should tell him). Ask for whatever u need for u and your kids. And don't be miserable for nothing. And you have a right to be angry. Don't let anyone tell u otherwise. But not that u will both be shouting at the same time o.

      Delete
  9. I think you guys should sit down and talk. Thank God you are self sufficient. You have every right to express your feelings. Let him know exactly how you feel. Also know men like to feel needed sometimes so they can assert their manliness. so I think you should not do everything yourself. ask him to do somethings for you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can't stop laughing oh,gold digger ke,my dear listen dere is no perfect marriage anywhere ad every marriage has his own name calling, ur own is even better aftall is gold digger and dere is gold to dig,wht about others DAT has no gold to dig BT stil faces worst Dan u cn imagine al in d name of marriage so tank God ur case is diff ad jut try to manage d situation until he change ad lik dere say two wrongs can not make a rit,jut b use to his kind of person, understand him ad lik my fellow commentors hav said before hav an heart to heart talk wit him wen he is in a good mood,,,everything in dis life is all about understanding ad prayers...may God help u.gud luck

    ReplyDelete
  11. Talking won't help this matter as the man already has a mind set. If he asks you to use cream say ok, if he asks you to bark like a dog say ok. Don't argue, don't talk back, when you are together speak when spoken to and be polite. Make sure you take your job seriously, live within your means. If you do this for a month and he doesn't feel uncomfortable then you know that you have a real problem on your hands

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've tried this scope before and it always works. He feels bad and tries to get me talking like before. He never apologizes which is why it's tiring and I'm don't wish to apologize for getting angry and expressing my concerns. I've had enough of that. My headache is the mindset he already has. I don't know how else to make him understand that i have blood running through my veins and that I get hurt too. I can't understand how someone will just be happy to be lording over everything. I don't joke with my job too. Thank you. I appreciate this

      Delete

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