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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

STEP PARENTING: WHAT CAN I DO TO MIND MY BUSINESS WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY?



Hello Aunty Eya, plese help me post on the blog. I am writing you this early because I need help with step parenting. My husband has a 16 year old daughter who just moved in with us last year just before Christmas. She is supposed to have left secondary school but it seems her mum  couldn't afford further education and could not register her for WAEC or NECO. Now, Hubby cares only about himself and, me seeing the type of man that my husband is, I stopped after two children so that in case push comes to shove, I'll be able to sponsor my two kids without having to crawl and beg.

So, both my boys are still in Primary school but when my step daughter moved in, I asked her to go back to school so she can be useful to herself instead of just cleaning and watching TV, I have a house help so her cleaning is basically her own wears and dishes. Tried to discuss with my husband about her Education but he doesn't seem too interested, I quietly told myself that I'll do the best I can to help her. With my civil servant salary, I managed to buy school supplies and got her Registered while hubby only managed to pay her School fees after many reminders from me. She started school
and all the while it's been me providing school supplies from Sandals to school uniform to bags and books and I wasn't complaining until now.

With all my sacrifices, all I demand from my step daughter is respect but am not getting it. I see respect for a few days after she receives money or school supplies from me, after that we go back to disobedience and rebellion. Like yesterday, I told her am on sick leave and need rest from any kind of noise, then she comes home with a friend and starts watching loud TV, when I called her aside and complained, expecting she'll either turn it off or turn down the volume, nothing happened and she could't even say sorry. The loud noise continued until they ended their movie and her classmate left. I complained to my husband and all he could say to me was that when he refused her coming to stay with us, that I insisted and begged  and that now she is her I should manage. This is not the first time I feel disrespected by her and I really am no longer interested in supporting her financially. Last night I took a decision to not spend my hard earned money on an ingrate and I'm feeling guilty already. What can I do to mind my business without feeling this guilt?

7 comments:

  1. Tell her sorry. But that you don't have any more money to waste on her. She is not our responsibility and should go get money and school books from her mother and father, they brought her to this earth not you. Tell her and walk away at once. If you finish all your money just because you want to be called "a good wife" who will help your own kids tomorrow? Be wise and honest to yourself madam.

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  2. AnonymousJuly 12, 2016

    Even if you are not supporting her financially she should respect you. You have really tried. Please face yourself and your children. People wey born her nor care na you wey dey do good samaritan she wan use clean yansh? rubbish. Do heaven and earth, with this attitude she will still look for how to tarnish you. When there is food give her to eat thats all. No more school supplies or anything else from your personal income. Save ti look after your children and your goodself. Shikena

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  3. See eh, Your step daughter's age is in that age bracket when most kids go astray, get pregnant, drop out of school, taste cigarettes, drugs and so on if there is no proper guidance. They may not even know that their actions are harmful to their future until the future arrives and they find themselves in the gutter.

    This teenage girl is exhibiting that rebellion that you see in many other teenagers like herself feeling like they are adults already. In this case, you owe her nothing and she needs to respect and show appreciation for the privileges. For the love of God, please, think about, ...if she was your child, sit her down, have a conversation where you let her know that if she continues behaving like that, you'll have no dime to spend on her henceforth. Let her know that you don't owe her and if she is one of those kids who really want to get an Education, she'll think again and adjust. If you two become systematic enemies, you will surely conquer her but the energy in your home will be negative, tensed and unhealthy. Even after you kick her out, you'll still encounter her because you two share the same man for life.

    If she drops out, your children may feel the pinch because she is their sister. You won't be here when she'll direct her kids to their uncle (your children) because she cannot afford to take care of them. They'll depend on your children and continue to scrape from them, try your best like you have started, help her become someone and you would have helped your sons too from having to provide for, sponsor and take care of future dependent relatives.

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  4. Where is her mother? What happened to make her live with you guys? Did her mother remarry? I'm asking these questions because you didn't state this in your narrative.
    Well, I'm naturally strict and honestly, if it were me, I couldn't care less if she's my daughter or not, I'll call her and give her the talk of her life. C'mon! If you were her biological mom, won't she respect you?
    I mean, you should talk to her and make her understand that she needs to show you some level of respect, step mom or not. I hope you're pointing out to her that you're the one footing most of her bills and I hope she knows she's being very ungrateful.
    Please, call her, sit her down and honestly talk to her. Also, limit her friend-visit days, her friends can only visit on Saturdays and you have to know the kinds of friends she's bringing home for the sake of your younger kids. This girl wasn't trained by you from her childhood so, her orientation is very different from the one you're impacting on your sons.

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  5. AnonymousJuly 12, 2016

    Ok ma I understand where you are coming from. However I was raised by my stepmother and I was also rebellious she took everything and still saw me through university and even supported me in business. Right now I would give everything for her. She is my rock, I call her my mother aside from some very visible difference you won't believe I am not her daughter cos of the way she treated me.
    Please don't give up on the girl, you are the one going to reap the benefits. Even if she goes astray as long as you did your best. God is going to reward you.

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  6. AnonymousJuly 12, 2016

    Well spoken eya and anon

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  7. AnonymousJuly 13, 2016

    Pls madam be patient with her it's just teenage hormones and we have all experienced it I see u are a great woman with kind heart pls don't give up and God will continue to increase u in wealth sit her down and talk sense into her assume she was ur daughter,the funny thing is she may grow up to love u just like her mum and u never knw which child will care for u in d future.

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