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| Certified Sex Therapist and sexologist Funmi Akingbade. |
When wives want to be honest about their lack of interest in sexual relationship with their husbands, one thing they often say that discourages them is the way their husbands have failed to measure up sexually. Apart from complaining about not knowing how to treat them at day time, they accuse them of neglecting foreplay and eventually making a mess of the sexual act itself. Many husbands tend to
get a bad rap when it comes to understanding women’s bodies; what turns women on generally and their own wife’s specific turn on, making them easy targets in the blame game when sexual satisfaction starts to wane. And sure, they make their fair share of bedroom errors. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. As it turns out, top sex and relationship experts say that women make plenty of sex mistakes of their own. Here’s what they have to say about the six most common mistakes women make in the bedroom and what they can do to get the satisfaction their union so rightly deserves.
Wives find it difficult to initiate sex with their husbands and just conclude that well, if he wants it, let him tell me; after all, I am not denying him. This is actually partly traditional upbringing and partly female ego. Many wives worry about well-mannered behaviour. Such wives don’t want to appear pushy or come on too strong for fear of being labelled aggressive. But failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes wives make but call girls are experts in it.
Most husbands are tired of the fact that they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship. Generally, husbands desire to be pursued by their wives just as much as the wives too.
Holding onto outdated ideas about sex roles also inhibits satisfaction with our sexual relationships. Outdated ideas give a mirage that women are less interested in sexual activity; that is not true anymore. As a certified sex therapist and a sexologist, I think there are wives who are as interested in sex as men if not more, because I have come in contact with countless of such. So, wives show your interest by taking the first step from time to time. Your husband will likely appreciate it and you may find a new level of satisfaction in taking responsibility for your sexual experience. Let your husband know that even though his penis is embedded in his body, that it is actually your own tool of sexual satisfaction. You have a right to that penis at any given time and you have the backing of the Federal Government law of Nigeria to that effect since you have been legally joined together as husband and wife.
The truth of the matter is, wives must come to term with the fact that there will be alterations in their bodies as they grow old, as they give birth and as they nurse babies, so do not get disturbed by your body changes. Undue dwelling on how you look on bed is a mistake you make that does not so much bother your husband. Thinking about how you look during sex stops you from enjoying yourself and ruins your chances of achieving an orgasm. Don’t think about the fat on your belly or the makeup on your face; just concentrate on the pleasure of the act. You must give yourself permission to have an orgasm. Men want their wives to abandon themselves in sex play, and that’s not likely if she is anxious about her physical concerns. It’s amazing many things a sex starved husband doesn’t notice especially when their wives are eager, enthusiastic, energetic and interested in them. It is great when you are flexible minded with various seductive, erotic sexual positions and you are doing all in your power to give them sex that will render them powerless for few hours thereafter. They are actually seeing the sexual intelligence you are displaying rather than your body contours. Scientifically, husbands are temporarily and selectively blinded to any body flaw during sex. They are much more attracted to women who show signs of healthy sexual life and youthfulness of mindset and fertility. Rather than worry about the shape of your waist and hips, worry about your sexual updates of positions, style, fantasies, energy level and enthusiasm and interest in him.
Married wives should never think sex is just a casual thing for their husbands, no. It is a thing that binds both of you together; it connects and makes your husband love you more. Especially when the sexual act is satisfactory to them, they can get to the moon and back for you. Married women should all let go of old-fashioned notions, such as women are not sexual or that sex is just sex to men. For majority of men, sex is a very important act, so don’t trivialise it at all. As a matter of fact, both men and women find sexual intimacy in the context of a committed relationship to be more satisfying. Numerous research studies make it very clear that the people who have the best quality and most frequent sex are married couples in committed relationship. That says a lot about the inadequacies of “casual sex”. Never assume that a man is not romantic. Two huge mistakes in this culture are that women are not sexual and that men are not as romantic [as women].
Now, there are cases when a wife wonders why her husband is not interested in sex as she is and she immediately concludes he is having an affair. No! This is a gross mistake. The point is that, at the teenage stage of a man’s life, they are ready and willing just about any time you ask, but as they grow old in the relationship and the pressure of responsibilities overweighs them, the tide may change and a paradigm shift may occur. The pressures of everyday life — family, work, bills — can zap a man’s libido. This comes as a big surprise to many wives and often this could be wisely handled and not taken personally.
When you hear your husband say he is not in the mood for sex, it is not an indication that they are no longer in love with you. They are just weighed down with responsibilities they may not be able to explain to you either. They know themselves that they are not always interested in sex but they still love their wives. But when a wife discovers her husband doesn’t want to have sex, they think, ‘he doesn’t love me.’ Not true. He just doesn’t want to have sex and that is the truth of the matter.
Many wives mistakenly think because their husbands like sex, they should be able to figure out what they (the wives) want sexually without guidelines or red light. What wives like and don’t like can make them feel uncomfortable, even when the marriage has been for a while. But the only and best way to achieve a satisfying sexual relationship with your husband is to talk during sex. Do not keep quiet; tell him exactly, accurately, specifically and precisely how you feel. Never assume they should know. No, they might not, because we all have different preferences and no two sessions of sex are exactly the same at any time. The truth is, a good wife wanting a good sexual relationship must take responsibility for her sexual encounter. No man can bring any woman to orgasm if she doesn’t take responsibility for her sexual experience. Even the best lover can’t know what you need without you letting him know. So, the idea of just lying down on the bed like a log of wood expecting him to figure you out will frustrate both of you. Show him, lead him, give him example, make a sound, open your legs wide; point to the location of your clitoris, give him a go-ahead to repeat after you how it should be caressed. Surprisingly, many wives do not know that all men very much want to please their women. But I would plead with wives to watch out how they address their husbands. If you can tell them in a way that doesn’t kill their ego, they will appreciate it. I would appreciate if you can sandwich what you don’t like in-between five things your husband has done- because he’s not only listening. he is reading in-between the lines. You won’t find out until the next time you’re in bed with him. But I can categorically say that good and sensitive husbands do listen to their wives, particularly if such wives are quite wisely clear, romantic and respectful about it. And if your husband happens to suggest some sexual act that is not within your familiarity zone, please rather than get upset and say no to sex until further notice, do kindly deliberate over such. This is so because when a married couple have been together for a while, it’s natural to want to spice things up with a little variety [the joy of novelty is still winning at all times]. Just because your husband wants to try something new doesn’t mean he’s unhappy with you or he has tasted some call girls outside and they did it better or he is no longer excited with your sex life. In short, don’t take it personal. However, nobody should ever feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do in the personal and intimate area of sexuality. If your husband asks you about trying something that’s outside of your morals, make it clear that it’s off limits for you and explain why, and if possible, you could compromise and see if it is what you can enjoy as well. Of course, do this in a loving way as best as you can. If it is something that is not really a moral issue for you but you still don’t want to, again explain why. If it is a simple request and you’re initially uneasy about it, try not to overreact. Instead, let him know you need some time to adjust to such and you are willing to try to. But remember, many marriages would have been the best in terms of sex if many wives are very sensitive to the sexual mistakes and ignorance coming from them. Until next week, I still remain your loyal bedroom instructor.
Funmi Akingbade
Culled: Punch
I have read a couple of Funmi Akingbade books and can say she’s an authority in this subject…
On the 2nd point, “Undue dwelling on how you look on bed”, husbands can help out by telling their wife how ‘sexy’ they look and how her new frame make u go ‘gaga’. Women want assurance that they still look attractive after years of marriage with all the after baby shapes – the truth is that they do!
Aunty Eya, can we have a weekly article on sex for married couples? I believe it would be helpful. Sex is the only thing that is exclusive to marriage and many marriages are failing because of it. Pls consider it. Many thanks.
drop funmi's phone number please, she need to be reached