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Saturday, December 19, 2015

I Have Not Been In Love With My Husband For At Least 8 Years

Hello Aunty Eya, how are you, your family and your cute Chairman. I found this blog in 2014 and became extremely addicted. Now it's something I can pass the day without doing. I love all the comments I have not been in love with my husband for at least 8 years (since about our 2nd year in marriage). I love him, but the love has morphed into a more brotherly-type love. I'm not attracted or connected to him anymore. And we've been in financial crisis for a few years, so that hasn't helped matters. Especially when he is largely responsible for it.
Things have just been really bad for the past few weeks. I've gotten to where I don't even want to be around him. And of course he asked me what was wrong with me. So I told him. I told him that I
wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wasn't happy with our marriage and that I hadn't been happy in a very long time.
I had been so dead set that that was it. After that conversation, it was going to be over between us. But to see the look on his face when I told him, it was so completely heartbreaking. He asked me to try to make it work, at least for the next few months not just because he couldn't bear the thought of losing me, but because the thought of not being able to see his son everyday absolutely crushes him.
If I had only one wish in the world, it would be to love him passionately the way I need to love and be loved.  I don't want to break his heart. But I also know that deep down that my feelings aren't going to change. I just can't foresee him being able to make my heart skip a beat when I see him, or feel the wanting to talk to him when he comes home from work. I can't see us having fun on a date or holding each other late into the night. But most of all, I can never see him understanding me.
I'm going to try, as he has asked me. I am truly going to try to put my heart and soul into it, but I am so doubtful. How can 8 years of falling out of love be fixed? How can I bury feelings of resentment that have been building year after year?
But if after several months of trying, and nothing has changed, I have this fear that I am not going to be able to leave him. I have a feeling that I will not be able to break his heart. I will not be able to take his son from him. I am fairly certain that I will continue to live in unhappiness simply because I cannot bear the heartbreak of hurting him this way.
I am so scared of what the future holds. I am scared to still be in this same situation with these same feelings 5 or 10 years down the road. I am scared that I won't be able to do what is right. I am scared for my son's future because neither broken parents nor unhappy parents are healthy for him. I think daily about so many things. I wish I can make the lost love rekindle.

8 comments:

  1. Dear poster, I have been unhappy for years. This is my second marriage. I was married at 18 the first time and had 2 children. I divorced when the kids were 1 and 3 because my first husband was mentally emotionally and physically abusive. I met my current husband 3 years later when I was 23. He was a couple of years younger than me and was never around children. He treated my sons like they could do nothing right. I almost left him several times over the years for this reason. 10 years later, he is better with them (only in the last year because they move to their dad's which I also blame him for) but I hold so much resentment for the years he never gave them praise and always yelled at them. He thought he was teaching them but really he was always knocking them down. He is a bully. He is loving to me, as much as he knows how. Although, he does try to control me. He treats me like he is my father and we argue about it often. We have a daughter together and she is now 8. I can already see the changes in the way he treats her. He's not mean to her but he gets annoyed with her very quickly. When I tell him I'm not happy, he tells me I'm his best friend and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But, that is the only time he shows emotion!! Only when I tell him I want to leave! He isn't affectionate even though he used to be. He says he doesn't know how to show affection and it doesn't come natural. He says I am overreacting or nothing he does is ever good enough, when I tell him I need more. The only time he shows affection is sex. And we're not really sexually compatible. In the beginning, I looked past that. I didn't see the flaws because I was blinded by the great time we had together. We get along like friends most of the time when we're out or alcohol is involved. Everyone always says we have the best relationship. His friend recently told me he wants to find a relationship like ours because we're best friends. Just goes to show, you never know until you're on the inside of a relationship. Nothing is perfect! I would really like to be alone but I do have love for him. I don't want to hurt him. I am just wondering how long I can be unhappy. He makes all of these plans for our future and I feel horrible because I don't see much of a future. I know I will leave one day. I also believe life is too short and I should have the right to be happy and to truly love some one.

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  2. Dear poster, please dont conclude so soon. Since he is willing to make the necessary changes to put your marriage back on track, you will have to work together to make it happen.
    For this to work, you have to seat and discuss what is missing, the things you did together that made you both feel loved and appreciated. Bring back affection and romance into your marriage together as a team.
    I believe every marriage goes through this phase after many years of being together. Other commitments such as work, finances, children and bills seems to be a priority over our spouses. Before it escalates its down to either the husband or wife or both to figure out how to bring back the missing spark.
    It seems deep down you still love him because you are willing to give it a try. Please dont be negative, if you sincerely put the required effort in, it might just work. All the best

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  3. Don't leave ur marriage bcos of dis please. Check d net on how to add flavors to your marriage. Pray about it together. Go out together, bring back dt youth in u

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  4. This is a bit deep... The only way this marriage will not work is when there's a third party involved - I mean, you are getting involved with another man. I can tell you that the other man outside tend to be so nice that you wish you were never married before meeting him. If this is your case, I tell you that you are dinning with the devil outside!
    I don't know the foundation to your marriage but if both of you got married for the right reasons, things can work out if you work it. However, you sound too negative like someone who has made up her mind. Be careful bcos the wrong decision will bring so much sorrow that you'll wish someone had told you earlier. It took 8years for both of you to talk about this... well, it's better late than never.
    I beg, don't only try to make it work but work it together bring God into the equation. God is interested in seeing a happy home and you have everything to gain for it. I tell you - there is nothing out there!

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  5. Sweetheart u are not alone. A lot of marriages are not perfect. For me it's been seven months and am already unhappy. Even though he trys to make me

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    Replies
    1. Talk to your husband about.Before children are involved.Before he sees your comment here:-)

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  6. My dear sister, I understand exactly what u are going through. D major reason why u are feeling this way is d lack of income from d man.I can tell u this because i have experienced something like that.U start to reaĺise that d man u use to love gradually when d presures of life starts setting in u begin to fall out of love. This might not be ur intension but a subconscious act.Pls stand by ur man no matter what. Don’t let situation define u. Be a strong woman. I assure u he will never forget u when things get better. Above all pray together and more spiritually minded. Pls don't throw away d beautiful gift God has given to u for many are looking for it.Alway remember is not about u anymore.God has entrusted ur son to u pls don't disapiont him.Do everything to bring him up togther.God bless u

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    Replies
    1. It's a lie. He can forget when u stood by him, only godly men never forget. When I got married my husband used to earn 40K, today as I speak he earns multiples of that STILL he prefers to spend on side checks, he na never given me long to make my hair let alone taking me out or gifts even on my birthday! Allowance na wahala ne doesn't givE anything except take care of d house. I am working and that's what I use to take care of myself and younger siblings. Men. Well, give it a try and let's hope he will remember the days of humble beginnings

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