As opposed to what you may think or the picture of me that my write-ups have created in your hearts, I’m no saint at all, c’mon; what were you thinking? I’m only a product of grace. I have literarily been there, done that (YES! that) and also gotten a crest on my T-Shirt for it. *biko, if you’re less than 18, don’t read this and I really can’t handle judgmental folks*
‘Back to da marrer peeps’; my first relationship was sweet (or so I thought) until we had to break up due to certain issues (permit me to leave the break up issue out of this piece because that’s one long story for another day).
I ended up being hungup on him for 6 years of my life after the break up. I kept hoping after hope that we’d get back together, kept praying and matters weren’t even any easier as some of my friends told me ‘I think you guys will still get back together’.
I held on to him for so long, took a lot of B***S*** from him, like he took from me as well just because I believed the lie that we were going to get back together. I slept over at his place severally while telling my mum that I had to stay over with a friend. I had Sex with him a lot of times hoping that would make us get back together. A blind man could see that I was crazy about him and he also said/claimed that he liked me in return. Just what else could I have done if all I had done wasn’t enough?
*Where is all this confession heading?*
This EX of mine got married in December, 2011 and at that point, my eyes opened wide; I attended the wedding because I felt I was over him. I made sure I looked really good so that people who knew us together wouldn’t look at me funny/with pity. I put up a front and didn’t stay long at the reception and I know I did well, but on my way home that day, I parked somewhere far from the venue and cried real bad.
OK FolaShade, why are you sharing this much with people you’re not familiar with?
I quite understand I may be castigated by some people but as a matter of fact, I can’t be bothered. I understand we are in a society where sharing this can be perceived with mixed feelings. I had this typed since June and had been putting away sharing until I was lead to ‘coz ‘this may help just someone’…
I have come to understand that whatever experience I go through serves as a lesson for someone else and vice versa.
I got into 2 other relationships after then and now I can honestly say ‘some of these guys we date are better off as friends than as lovers’. Wasn’t I just silly to have wasted my precious feelings on someone I wouldn’t end up with? C’mon, I should’ve known to consult my manufacturer; after all, I didn’t create myself.
Oh and Yes! I asked for forgiveness from God several times and still went back to fornicate and did He forgive me each time? Yes! I know He did despite knowing that I’d delve right back into it the next minute. I knew the scripture that ‘should we continue in sin and ask that grace abound’ but I really still expected that grace abound to me while continuing in that same sin. Quite painful…
Until I found out I couldn’t continue this way and that Sex has never and will never really make a relationship work if it’s not meant to, I didn’t stop. I rededicated my life and trust me, it hasn’t been easy at all but it has been worth it. I sincerely understand that you’ve been trying but the truth is you have to keep trying with God’s help only.
I kept wishing I never did such and while I’m not proud of it, I have since found peace with myself hence, this piece. If you’re still holding on sister, I’m proud of you, I know you can make it through, just keep holding on and if you; just like me have erred and want a turnaround, it only starts with going back to your source-God. He is always willing to accept you with arms wide open.
Honestly sex before marriage is a sin irrespective of how you choose to look at it+ it complicates things.
Let’s share our thoughts on this…